Want her back, bad. But Need on Messy Break up

[allgoodthings1]

My ex and I have an interesting story. She is an extremely patient and caring person, but she also likes to live in the moment and has historically retreated from her emotions when they become tough/difficult.

She broke it off around ~2 months ago and this break up has absolutely wrecked me.

 

 

Backdrop to breakup: We returned from an LDR about a year ago and pretty much immediately moved in together. It's important to note that during our LDR, my mother died. I don't have a good father figure, and don't really have an emotional support system that I truly needed to mourn the loss. My ex tried, but I needed serious, ongoing help. When she did broach the topic, I pushed her away (I pushed everyone way bitterly when they tried to talk to me about it).

 

 

After the LDR part ended, symptoms of my depression flourished and our relationship suffered tremendously while we were living together: I played video games all the time as an escape, was tired all the time, had bad memory, and instigated regrettable fights when we were drinking together. It's important to note that I raised my voice during these fights. I did not insult her, but I was controlling and bitter. I am truly regretful and ashamed that I treated someone whom I love with such apathy and anger. I can say our arguments were not healthy and her friends are aware of a lot of this. Before this time our fights were few and far between :/

 

 

Anyway, after a few months of sporadic (alcohol induced) arguments from around June - September, she told me she needed space and was to stay at a friend's house. She told me she sees me differently now, and I understand why. After discussing her issues w the relationship, it became clear to me what I had been doing and how I had been hurting her. I was accepting and understanding of her decisions, and we hugged and cried together when she told me.

 

 

I immediately started going to a counselor who has been extremely helpful with me opening up about my mother's death (and has since helped me with coping with this BU). She informally diagnosed me with depression and in the three months we have made considerable progress (I won't go into detail here, but am happy to if someone replies). I have thrown out the video games, no longer nap after work, controlled my drinking, and have revived my social life since counseling. My ex is aware of all these tangible changes.

 

 

Through the breakup, my ex and I have been in intermittent contact that have given me a lot of hope that we might reconcile. After a few weeks of NC, she would drop in and we would go get a beer together or just hang out. We have kissed/held hands through the break up. When we talk, the chemistry is still there and she says very meaningful things (I miss you/you are my favorite person/etc) that make me think she still considers us a possibility. She says she feels guilty about the break up, and that is why she comes around.

 

 

I instigated our most recent conversation, and us trying again (I mostly keep radio silence but ran into her). After our discussion, she seriously considered trying but then realized it was a false hope: Her big thing is how does she know my changes are sustainable and that she needs space and time to forgive me. We've had meaningful conversations about our communication and insecurity problems and what we could do to improve them if we tried again. She is actively engaged in these conversations and volunteers where she could improve. She also asks about counseling from time to time. I feel like if we had these talks 6 months ago we'd be so happy.

 

 

We agreed to take more space and time from each other, with the idea that we both know "we'll see each other again". I asked her to not speak to me out of guilt again. It is clear she wants to live her life and I am doing my best to do the same.

 

 

Annnnd... I also found out she began seeing someone (casually), but she says she does not like him (meh).

 

 

Can a sympathetic ear lend their opinion on where you think she's at? Is she actually looking for temporary space/time, or is she just moving on from me forever? Is eventually reaching out to her again completely out of the question, or are the events of this relationship/break up too bad for her to ever consider me again? I would truly like to optimize my chances at getting back with her, and I don't see that changing any time soon.

[MsJayne]

This is very similar to my own current situation, except I'm in the position of your ex, so maybe she's experiencing what I am. After a rocky ten months where my ex behaved badly, (drinking too much and instigating stupid fights where he would be very spiteful, his social media addiction - part of which involved discussing our relationship with, and taking advice from, a busybody female friend he chats to online - and behaving so badly on an OS trip that I had to get separate accommodation and the entire trip was a very expensive disaster). We broke up 6 weeks ago and I miss him very badly, but the thing that stops me giving him another chance is the certainty that his behaviour doesn't change, as soon as he feels comfortable and secure the crap would start again. Also, like your ex, all my friends and family know how he treated me so if we got back together there would be some awkwardness there.

The difference is that you're willing to take responsibility for your behaviour and you've done something about it. Kudos to you. If my ex contacted me and told me he was getting help, (he has an anxiety disorder and he conveniently blames it for everything), and he'd stopped drinking so much, and laid off the social media, I would have him back in a heartbeat if I believed they were permanent changes.

I wouldn't give up if I was you, your ex sounds like she's waiting to see if you stick to the changes. Two months isn't a long time, so be prepared for a wait.

[allgoodthings1]

This is very similar to my own current situation, except I'm in the position of your ex, so maybe she's experiencing what I am. After a rocky ten months where my ex behaved badly, (drinking too much and instigating stupid fights where he would be very spiteful, his social media addiction - part of which involved discussing our relationship with, and taking advice from, a busybody female friend he chats to online - and behaving so badly on an OS trip that I had to get separate accommodation and the entire trip was a very expensive disaster). We broke up 6 weeks ago and I miss him very badly, but the thing that stops me giving him another chance is the certainty that his behaviour doesn't change, as soon as he feels comfortable and secure the crap would start again. Also, like your ex, all my friends and family know how he treated me so if we got back together there would be some awkwardness there.

The difference is that you're willing to take responsibility for your behaviour and you've done something about it. Kudos to you. If my ex contacted me and told me he was getting help, (he has an anxiety disorder and he conveniently blames it for everything), and he'd stopped drinking so much, and laid off the social media, I would have him back in a heartbeat if I believed they were permanent changes.

I wouldn't give up if I was you, your ex sounds like she's waiting to see if you stick to the changes. Two months isn't a long time, so be prepared for a wait.

 

 

Hi Ms. Jayne.

 

 

Thank you for your insight.

You're right. I definitely understand why you/she would think that our changes would not be sustainable. It's so unfortunate how a painful wake up call like this is often the driver for these types of healthy changes.

She has requested space, and I need space from her to actually make sustainable/permanent changes. I think it's too soon for both of us and sometimes I even fear that I'd get comfortable again. She also said that "we broke up for a reason", which makes me fear that she'll always have this image of me in her mind. Additionally, when we talk, she will bring up bad memories/fights between us (I gave her a platonic, sincere compliment and she responded with something bad I had said). I know she's hurt and confused because she misses me like hell.

Do I continue absolute NC, or should I check in with her from time to time? I'm not worried about power dynamics with her and all that "get her to come back" stuff tbh. Or maybe I should be?

[MsJayne]

Hi Ms. Jayne.

 

 

Thank you for your insight.

You're right. I definitely understand why you/she would think that our changes would not be sustainable. It's so unfortunate how a painful wake up call like this is often the driver for these types of healthy changes.

She has requested space, and I need space from her to actually make sustainable/permanent changes. I think it's too soon for both of us and sometimes I even fear that I'd get comfortable again. She also said that "we broke up for a reason", which makes me fear that she'll always have this image of me in her mind. Additionally, when we talk, she will bring up bad memories/fights between us (I gave her a platonic, sincere compliment and she responded with something bad I had said). I know she's hurt and confused because she misses me like hell.

Do I continue absolute NC, or should I check in with her from time to time? I'm not worried about power dynamics with her and all that "get her to come back" stuff tbh. Or maybe I should be?

 

I would stay in contact with her. I think it's great that you're able to see things from her point of view, and hopefully she'll come to appreciate that. It is really hard to stop seeing the negatives in someone once they've shown their worst side. I have a mental logbook of all the times my ex behaved like a jerk and when I start missing him the logbook comes out for another airing. I would guess your ex is having the same problem, she probably loves you madly but right now just can't get past the anger. It's just a time thing.

[Highndry]

The fact that she's seeing another guy isn't a good sign at all. It appears she's trying to move on. You're going a great thing working on yourself, but I am at a loss as to what you can do insofar as salvaging the relationship. It seems to be over with by her actions.

[Highndry]

I would stay in contact with her. I think it's great that you're able to see things from her point of view, and hopefully she'll come to appreciate that. It is really hard to stop seeing the negatives in someone once they've shown their worst side. I have a mental logbook of all the times my ex behaved like a jerk and when I start missing him the logbook comes out for another airing. I would guess your ex is having the same problem, she probably loves you madly but right now just can't get past the anger. It's just a time thing.

 

No relationship will ever last with this sort of behavior. Have you ever heard of forgiveness?

[HumanMachine]

She was keeping you as an option until she could see the potential in the new guy. Block and never talk to this woman again.

[chinadiary]

No relationship will ever last with this sort of behavior. Have you ever heard of forgiveness?

 

 

She said EX. She does it to make sure she doesn't go back to a bad relationship.

[DannyCA]

The fact that she's seeing another guy isn't a good sign at all. It appears she's trying to move on. You're going a great thing working on yourself, but I am at a loss as to what you can do insofar as salvaging the relationship. It seems to be over with by her actions.

 

 

I think OP is taking the right steps to a reconciliation, except for outright keeping in contact with his ex. Usually the dumper always starts seeing someone sooner because they had more time to emotionally checkout before the actual BU happens.

 

But for her to see these changes as permanent she needs to do exactly that; see them, not be told them by him. And for her to realize whether or not she wants him back she needs to see other people and have significant time away from him with NC.

 

People say you don't know what you have until it's gone and that goes especially for break ups. If he is always around, she can consider him a friend and have all of the emotional benefits of the RS and get the physical benefits from someone else.

 

And that's how people usually shoot themselves in the foot. They think keeping in contact will help their ex realize how much they still love them. But in reality they are helping them move on from them. The ex is helping them move on emotionally and the new love interest is helping them move on physically.

 

The OP needs to keep working on himself, go NC, and move on. It's not in his hands anymore. All he can do is hope that she realizes how much she still loves him and sees his improvements on her own, but he shouldn't count on that

[allgoodthings1]

I think OP is taking the right steps to a reconciliation, except for outright keeping in contact with his ex. Usually the dumper always starts seeing someone sooner because they had more time to emotionally checkout before the actual BU happens.

 

But for her to see these changes as permanent she needs to do exactly that; see them, not be told them by him. And for her to realize whether or not she wants him back she needs to see other people and have significant time away from him with NC.

 

People say you don't know what you have until it's gone and that goes especially for break ups. If he is always around, she can consider him a friend and have all of the emotional benefits of the RS and get the physical benefits from someone else.

 

And that's how people usually shoot themselves in the foot. They think keeping in contact will help their ex realize how much they still love them. But in reality they are helping them move on from them. The ex is helping them move on emotionally and the new love interest is helping them move on physically.

 

The OP needs to keep working on himself, go NC, and move on. It's not in his hands anymore. All he can do is hope that she realizes how much she still loves him and sees his improvements on her own, but he shouldn't count on that

 

 

 

This makes a lot of sense. This past Sunday, she came over to drop the rent check off. She also told me she decided to stop seeing that guy, because she didn't want me to have to see that (the guy lives fairly close to me and I would see her often). She also said 'I don't want to give you false hope'. We ended up hanging out at a park for close to 3-4 hours after this, and everything emotionally felt the same. But, there was no physicality or romance to it. Just mild flirting. Afterward, I asked her if she wanted to maybe go to a concert later in the week and she said "let me think about it" and that she may need more time between hang outs....I am waiting on her to send me a cold rejection text later this week.

 

 

I feel like she is using this time to 'fill her meter' of hanging out with her best friend without having to commit anything. I am so confused, because I know I wasn't very attracted to her at the very beginning and spending time with her and having fun together was what caused me to become attracted to her. How is this different than that? I just don't understand.

[Gr8fuln2020]

This makes a lot of sense. This past Sunday, she came over to drop the rent check off. She also told me she decided to stop seeing that guy, because she didn't want me to have to see that (the guy lives fairly close to me and I would see her often). She also said 'I don't want to give you false hope'. We ended up hanging out at a park for close to 3-4 hours after this, and everything emotionally felt the same. But, there was no physicality or romance to it. Just mild flirting. Afterward, I asked her if she wanted to maybe go to a concert later in the week and she said "let me think about it" and that she may need more time between hang outs....I am waiting on her to send me a cold rejection text later this week.

 

 

I feel like she is using this time to 'fill her meter' of hanging out with her best friend without having to commit anything. I am so confused, because I know I wasn't very attracted to her at the very beginning and spending time with her and having fun together was what caused me to become attracted to her. How is this different than that? I just don't understand.

 

I believe that she is being both cautious and somewhat considerate of the circumstances she finds herself. She wasn't really interested in the other guy, but she broke it off b/c she didn't want to make things any more uncomfortable. It's really uncertain how much weight you place on whether it was lack of interest and/or how much she was actually thinking about you.

 

allgoodthings1, the MOST important thing here is for you to continue making progress, but do not do it just to get back together. As she made it clear, she doesn't want to give false hope, but, for now, she is certainly considering things over, right?

 

Make and continue to make progress for yourself and anyone else who is or will become a part of your life. Try to be the best of yourself and that will go a long way regardless of whether you succeed in getting your ex back or not. A better you makes you more attractive to everyone, including your ex, right? The old you is non-negotiable, right? Do it for yourself most of all. Good luck.

[allgoodthings1]

I believe that she is being both cautious and somewhat considerate of the circumstances she finds herself. She wasn't really interested in the other guy, but she broke it off b/c she didn't want to make things any more uncomfortable. It's really uncertain how much weight you place on whether it was lack of interest and/or how much she was actually thinking about you.

 

allgoodthings1, the MOST important thing here is for you to continue making progress, but do not do it just to get back together. As she made it clear, she doesn't want to give false hope, but, for now, she is certainly considering things over, right?

 

Make and continue to make progress for yourself and anyone else who is or will become a part of your life. Try to be the best of yourself and that will go a long way regardless of whether you succeed in getting your ex back or not. A better you makes you more attractive to everyone, including your ex, right? The old you is non-negotiable, right? Do it for yourself most of all. Good luck.

 

 

 

You're right, and thank you for taking the time to read my story. I definitely started counseling as a reaction to the break up. I believe now I'm continuing to do it for myself. I guess having it in the back of my mind that it may get her or other great people in my life is a good thing to think.

 

The night I found out she was seeing another guy, she told me 'I'm realizing that no one can fill the void of you'. This is the same night where she really considered getting back together but coming to the 'false hope' conclusion. She doesn't believe my change is sustainable, and that's perfectly fair. That was an emotional evening though, and those emotions settled to not wanting to get back with me after she thought about it. Part of me thinks this was purely a physical relationship (my ex is pretty sexual), and she ended it for me so that I wouldn't go crazy thinking I'd see her leaving his apartment.

 

I have a lot of progress to make about my insecurity and being proud of myself. I've never looked inward for gratification and I've always used external validation. A lot of that, mixed with the depression, led to the slippery slope that brought me to the valley of where I'm at now. I will continue to go to counseling until I can honestly tell myself that I'm proud of myself.

 

However, it is very hard to just outright ignore my situation with her as I continue to work on myself...Especially because she's still 'part' of my life, and I want her to be part of my life. I've realized she takes up a lot of my head space, though, and the ongoing situation causes me a lot of anxiety. My plan with her is to simply let her come and go, and to not pressure her into anything. I feel like anything else invariably will push her away.

Edited December 7, 2017 by allgoodthings1

[Highndry]

She's using you for emotional support as she weans herself from the relationship, while looking for a new guy. If you're fine with that and want to just be her friend from here on out you're in a great position. She'll continue contact with you until she becomes serious with another guy, then you'll become a distant memory.

 

None of the above is going to do anything to help your cause if you want her back. She needs to feel the loss of you entirely, and you're not allowing for that. You're still providing the emotional support of the relationship that she enjoyed, but you're getting nothing insofar as your own needs are concerned.

 

I don't know about you, but that's about the last position I ever want to be in as a guy. If it were me I'd call her briefly and tell her that we're either working towards reconciliation or it's time to say goodbye and go no contact period. Only when she experiences life without so much as a hint of you will she be forced to make a choice. Right now she can have her cake and eat it to - screwing other guys while having you as her emotional tampon.

[allgoodthings1]

She's using you for emotional support as she weans herself from the relationship, while looking for a new guy. If you're fine with that and want to just be her friend from here on out you're in a great position. She'll continue contact with you until she becomes serious with another guy, then you'll become a distant memory.

 

None of the above is going to do anything to help your cause if you want her back. She needs to feel the loss of you entirely, and you're not allowing for that. You're still providing the emotional support of the relationship that she enjoyed, but you're getting nothing insofar as your own needs are concerned.

 

I don't know about you, but that's about the last position I ever want to be in as a guy. If it were me I'd call her briefly and tell her that we're either working towards reconciliation or it's time to say goodbye and go no contact period. Only when she experiences life without so much as a hint of you will she be forced to make a choice. Right now she can have her cake and eat it to - screwing other guys while having you as her emotional tampon.

 

 

I understand your point. So please don't think I'm disagreeing with it. I just have questions.

 

 

I was the main driver of our break up. I understand she didn't put her foot down or communicate things, but I objectively mistreated her. My ex is simply not attracted to me right now, and protects herself with bad memories of me

 

If I ghost her completely, is it crazy to suggest that when she does think about me, she will immediately put up those 'bad memories' wall to justify 'there was a reason we broke up'. I feel like this will make me a stranger to her in 6-12 months. Don't I need to establish with her the trust that was lost, so that she can begin to see me differently? When we first started hanging out, we just had fun together with no pressure. Why is this different?

 

I'm all for the 'emotional tampon' argument, but when my ex and I are hanging out, we are not talking like only friends. She knows what I want, and knows that I'm trying to change.

 

I don't know. What do you think?

[Highndry]

I understand your point. So please don't think I'm disagreeing with it. I just have questions.

 

 

I was the main driver of our break up. I understand she didn't put her foot down or communicate things, but I objectively mistreated her. My ex is simply not attracted to me right now, and protects herself with bad memories of me

 

If I ghost her completely, is it crazy to suggest that when she does think about me, she will immediately put up those 'bad memories' wall to justify 'there was a reason we broke up'. I feel like this will make me a stranger to her in 6-12 months. Don't I need to establish with her the trust that was lost, so that she can begin to see me differently? When we first started hanging out, we just had fun together with no pressure. Why is this different?

 

I'm all for the 'emotional tampon' argument, but when my ex and I are hanging out, we are not talking like only friends. She knows what I want, and knows that I'm trying to change.

 

I don't know. What do you think?

 

No two relationships are identical, and you know better than any of us here the dynamics of your relationship. I was speaking in general terms, and there is never a one size fits all.

 

Whenever there's a breakup, that's a serious wound which most couples and relationships can not endure. Getting back together requires a lot of work, from both parties. If indeed you initiated the breakup and treated her poorly, then the ball is completely in her court (aside from you apologizing and working on yourself to change those negative behaviors). How you go about reconciling is going to be up to her. Communication is the only thing that matters.

 

I don't believe hard no contact is conducive to reconciliation, much to the disappointment of all of those who believe in that "go no contact and magically get your ex back" garbage that's posted all over the web. No contact is for healing and moving on. I believe very limited contact is a better route if you want to keep that door open. But she needs to understand that your sole intention is to get her back, and that you are not interested whatsoever in being friends. And if I were you I would make sure that any contact I had with her was in that vein. Just being her friend is only going to help her get over you as she finds somebody else. Good luck.

Edited December 9, 2017 by Highndry

[MsJayne]

No relationship will ever last with this sort of behavior. Have you ever heard of forgiveness?

 

How many times should you forgive someone when they behave hatefully towards you? Some people think forgiveness is the answer, I see it as enabling the abuse.

[allgoodthings1]

How many times should you forgive someone when they behave hatefully towards you? Some people think forgiveness is the answer, I see it as enabling the abuse.

 

 

 

Hi Ms. Jayne,

I think you have a really good point. My ex gave me a chance a long time ago in our relationship and I completely blew it, mostly because there were no consequences. I know I screwed up and her leaving was what actually gave me my wake up call. It sucks.

 

But, do you believe that people can really change? What would it take from your ex to start believing/reconsidering a relationship with him? When would you start rebuilding your trust with him? Do you think you'll even be curious about him in a few months to reach out to him, or do you consider him only a thing of your past?

Whenever I spend time with my ex, we have such a good time. She says things like 'I am happy your are changing', but when I ask her to hang out again she will say things like 'Let me think about it'. I know this is her telling me no without wanting to wanting to hurt me, as I haven't heard from her since I asked her to the concert (it's been over a week now). I also think she's kind of keeping me on her back burner so the door isn't closed on me permanently. She has told me she hates that we have to move on and it always sounds like she doesn't want me to move on.

 

 

I know it's best for me emotionally and for my mental health to move on from her for good. But, my thing is that I miss everything about her. Also, a part of me knows that because I'm one of the big reasons we broke up that we could be so happy again as I continue to improve myself.

[d0nnivain]

allgoodthings

 

I'm sorry about the death of your mom. Please accept my condolences.

 

I do believe people can change but grief & depression do not resolve in 2 months. This stuff takes years.

 

I suspect your relationship was on life support before you & your EX called it quits. I honestly don't get this dance you're doing: push pull, talk, spend, time drop off rent checks, try to date others then break up. I agree with Highndry that she's weaning herself off you.

 

The back & forth makes little sense to me but I don't work like that. If you want to reconcile you have to get back together & work together to resolve the issues. If you can't or won't do that, you need to just be apart.

[allgoodthings1]

allgoodthings

 

I'm sorry about the death of your mom. Please accept my condolences.

 

I do believe people can change but grief & depression do not resolve in 2 months. This stuff takes years.

 

I suspect your relationship was on life support before you & your EX called it quits. I honestly don't get this dance you're doing: push pull, talk, spend, time drop off rent checks, try to date others then break up. I agree with Highndry that she's weaning herself off you.

 

The back & forth makes little sense to me but I don't work like that. If you want to reconcile you have to get back together & work together to resolve the issues. If you can't or won't do that, you need to just be apart.

 

 

 

Thanks for your input d0nnivain. You are right. I have made a lot of self respect sacrifices with her after this break up because I know I was the one who did a large part of the screwing up (I know, I know, it takes 2 to ruin a relationship). I'm extremely regretful and ashamed, and I guess I just can't forgive myself yet. I'm also familiar with 'oneitis' and its repercussions. It's just weird, because she and I have talked about our problems and how we could fix them, and she's actively engaged in those conversations. In these conversations, we agree the problems we had were definitely fixable. It's just so bizarre.

 

 

I keep telling myself that if I got back with her in the end this suffering would be worth it. My rational self just doesn't understand how a girl can tell someone I miss you, you're my favorite person, I never get tired of you, without eventually wanting to try again. If I thought those things about anybody, I'd want to see them and put faith into them that they mean what they say.

 

 

I suppose the ultimate thing I need to focus on is that she is absolutely keeping me on her backburner and that will never be what I want. It keeps me in an anxiety roller coaster. I have asked her to try again and she seriously considered it, but said no. Every time we get close after hanging out, she pulls away. It's embarrassing to say, but at this point I just miss my best friend.

 

 

Bleh.