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Is he looking for a rebound?


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Hello. My ex and I broke up in the beginning of September and it was a mutual decision. We were engaged and have a really strong bond. We broke up because we had some stuff to work on to make our relationship better. We still see each other often and talk every day. He told me he is looking for a girlfriend but it doesn't mean he wants to marry her or have a family with her and that he still loves me. He told me he is looking for someone to have sex with because he can't go however long we are apart without sex. (He has a high sex drive.) He also told me we can still see each other when he has a girlfriend. He said it's a GIRL - FRIEND not a relationship...just something in the meantime. He once told a girl that he was trying to use her as a rebound...this was about a month and a half ago. He is now on dating sites trying to meet someone else. I'm afraid he is going to end up getting feelings for someone else. Do you think he is just looking for a rebound and I shouldn't worry about anything? He is a very honest person and has told me multiple times not to overthink everything but just to listen to him. We both have a lot of things to work on and I think he's just afraid of being alone but I am scared. Some people don't understand why he would tell me this but like I said he is honest and I would rather know now than be blindsided by it. Plus I have dating sites too so I would see it anyways.

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This is an absolute mess and highly dysfunctional.

 

How are you both working on yourselves in hopes of making the relationship better when he is talking about having sex with other women, he is on dating sites and you are on dating sites? It's nonsense.

 

If you are going to fix your relationship, stay loyal to each other and focus on working through it together. You can't fix a relationship if both of you are playing these passive and silly games.

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What are the "things" you need to work on that keep you apart?

 

I have to work on being happy with myself and life, being more confident, losing weight, and learning how to react in certain situations.

 

He has to work on saving money, paying off his debt, getting a good job, and getting his life back together.

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I have to work on being happy with myself and life, being more confident, losing weight, and learning how to react in certain situations.

 

He has to work on saving money, paying off his debt, getting a good job, and getting his life back together.

 

OK so basically you are no fun, he doesn't find you sexually attractive and he wants to sleep with other women.

You have no hope in hell of making this work, he is stringing you along and you are letting him.

Cut him off dead.

This is over.

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What is the benefit of stringing me along?

 

He’s keeping you as a backup should he ever need a quick f—k

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I’m sorry but I know him well and I’ve compared what he did with his ex to what he’s doing to me and I know everything he said to me is true. I know he loves me. He’s just really confused and stressed out and maybe just wants to explore someone else in the meantime. I strongly do not think he is stringing me along. He has done multiple things to prove to me he is not stringing me along. He actually doesn’t want to have sex with me because he doesn’t want to hurt me. He has bipolar and is extremely impulsive. I personally think he just needs to fill the void of me not being there all the time and a needs a distraction until we have both achieved our goals.

Edited by mjp
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I’m sorry but I know him well and I’ve compared what he did with his ex to what he’s doing to me and I know everything he said to me is true. I know he loves me. He’s just really confused and stressed out and maybe just wants to explore someone else in the meantime. I strongly do not think he is stringing me along. He has done multiple things to prove to me he is not stringing me along. He actually doesn’t want to have sex with me because he doesn’t want to hurt me. He has bipolar and is extremely impulsive. I personally think he just needs to fill the void of me not being there all the time and a needs a distraction until we have both achieved our goals.

 

Then let him go have his fun with other women. You then need to step away and move on. Going and having sex with other women does not equal working on self-development/the relationship.

 

And if you know him so well, you wouldn't be so confused by his actions.

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I’m sorry but I know him well and I’ve compared what he did with his ex to what he’s doing to me and I know everything he said to me is true. I know he loves me. He’s just really confused and stressed out and maybe just wants to explore someone else in the meantime. I strongly do not think he is stringing me along. He has done multiple things to prove to me he is not stringing me along. He actually doesn’t want to have sex with me because he doesn’t want to hurt me. He has bipolar and is extremely impulsive. I personally think he just needs to fill the void of me not being there all the time and a needs a distraction until we have both achieved our goals.

 

No he isn't trying to fill a void he just wants to move on from you whether it is with another woman or not. He isn't confused about not wanting you anymore. You have to stop making excuses for him to make you feel better and really listen to what he has told you. Until he finds his new love if he's horny and you are right there he will use you to meet his needs. It doesn't mean he loves you.

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You have to stop making excuses for him to make you feel better and really listen to what he has told you.

 

What he has told me is that there is still a chance we will get back together over and over again. And we don't have sex anymore when we see each other.

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Oh my, seriously you need to cut contact with this guy. I'm not trying to sound mean, but I've read about some reeeeaaalllyy toxic people on this site in the past few years, your ex definitely lands in the top like 5 of that list. Literally almost every post you have made in this thread is you making an excuse for him. Please trust what people have been telling you, they are the outsiders looking in. I say with the utmost sincerity I can, this guy is undoubtedly horrible for you.

 

All we can do is try our best to help you with the information you have provided, but in the end it's always up to you. The way I see it, most people ignore the advice they get and let their emotions guide them. They end up getting hurt like people said they would, then hindsight kicks in and they are like "oohhh those people were right..."

 

 

Out of curiosity, you said you guys were engaged? How old are you guys?

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OMG, it doesn't matter how well you know him. This is absolute dysfunction. "I still love you but I'm looking for someone to have sex with because I have a high sex drive"

 

STFU and GTFO.

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I am 25 and he is 28.

 

 

First off what you mentioned he needs to work on, he needs to be self sufficient and single. If he's trying to save money and look for a good job, he can't afford a relationship. He is too old to be acting like a teenager who doesn't know what he wants. It's complete non-sense for him to want to sleep with other people while keeping you on the back burner.

 

When two people break up, it is because one or both people decided that the other is not who they want to spend the rest of their life with, no way around the fact. So with that being said, I do believe that when two people BU there is a possibility of reconciliation. But not until both people have parted ways, gone NC, and fully tried to move on/work on themselves. And it's only with a significant amount of time apart (a few years, less the older you are) can two people honestly reflect upon the relationship and say either "yes I do want to spend my life with them" or "no, we were not compatible."

 

I'm a year older than you, we're young, obviously not as young as we used to be, but still young. I hope you're not worried about losing out on a potential life partner because of your age. Just because we're in our mid 20's doesn't mean we need to get married asap.

 

You wouldn't be making these excuses for him if you didn't really care about him, I can tell you still love him. You deserve someone who doesn't take you for granted. But the things you stated you want to work on, you need to do that on your own before they translate properly into a new relationship

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What are the "things" you need to work on that keep you apart?

 

I have to work on being happy with myself and life, being more confident, losing weight, and learning how to react in certain situations. He has to work on saving money, paying off his debt, getting a good job, and getting his life back together.

 

You were asked what things you need to work on that keep you apart. You listed a bunch of things that you could work on together.

 

You have failed to give a single valid reason why him going off and having sex with other girls, is a good positive step for your relationship.

 

Bottom line: you're deluding yourself. "He says X, and he says Y" doesn't mean those things are true or realistic!

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You were asked what things you need to work on that keep you apart. You listed a bunch of things that you could work on together.

 

You have failed to give a single valid reason why him going off and having sex with other girls, is a good positive step for your relationship.

 

Bottom line: you're deluding yourself. "He says X, and he says Y" doesn't mean those things are true or realistic!

 

Sorry I have to respectfully disagree on those being things they could work on together.

 

Learning to be happy with yourself and gaining confidence doesn't come from having somebody there to coddle you or make you feel good whenever you need a quick ego boost. And losing weight on your own proves to you that you're self-sufficient and that you don't need someone to hold your hand.

 

Saving up money, paying off debt, and finding a good job doesn't come from being in a relationship. Relationships might require love, trust, and communication, but you'd be naive to say it doesn't require spending money. And spending money is completely counter-intuitive to the goals he needs to accomplish.

 

But you are right, he hasn't given a single reason why having sex with other women is a positive step for their relationship

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Learning to be happy with yourself and gaining confidence doesn't come from having somebody there to coddle you or make you feel good whenever you need a quick ego boost. And losing weight on your own proves to you that you're self-sufficient and that you don't need someone to hold your hand.

 

I will have to respectfully disagree in turn! Being coddled is a sign of codependency. You can gain confidence by being independent - going out into the world and doing your own thing. Being independent and being in a relationship aren't mutually exclusive.

 

I've never felt the need in a relationship to prove I'm self-sufficient by breaking up to lose weight. That's a rather odd perspective to me! If you want to lose weight, then lose weight. It's not a complicated proposition, albeit challenging to implement (whether single or not).

 

Saving up money, paying off debt, and finding a good job doesn't come from being in a relationship.
Nor does it come from breaking up! If you want a job, you go out and find one. What difference does it make whether you have a girlfriend or not?

 

Relationships might require love, trust, and communication, but you'd be naive to say it doesn't require spending money. And spending money is completely counter-intuitive to the goals he needs to accomplish.
I can possibly see a point here, but I don't agree that established relationships require money, if the goal is to save. Everyone needs to eat, entertain themselves, travel, etc. It's perfectly possible to live the same budget lifestyle in a relationship as you would solo. The key is that both partners are mature, cooperative, and working to the same goals.

 

Let me put it another way. If you're in a relationship and you suddenly feel a need to increase your confidence, lose weight, get a job, or save money, do you think, "right, I need to break up with my partner!"? I certainly don't. I break up with my partner if there's something wrong with the relationship itself. And that's exactly the point with the OP. The relationship itself is flawed. These so-called "reasons" are just masking the truth for the OP, making it seem normal, and giving false hope.

Edited by sdraw108
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I’m sorry but I know him well and I’ve compared what he did with his ex to what he’s doing to me and I know everything he said to me is true. I know he loves me. He’s just really confused and stressed out and maybe just wants to explore someone else in the meantime. I strongly do not think he is stringing me along. He has done multiple things to prove to me he is not stringing me along. He actually doesn’t want to have sex with me because he doesn’t want to hurt me. He has bipolar and is extremely impulsive. I personally think he just needs to fill the void of me not being there all the time and a needs a distraction until we have both achieved our goals.

 

If you truly feel as you say above, why are you on LS about him? It seems you've already got it figured out. Also no one looks for a rebound relationship. They go into it expecting the relationship to last but sometimes it doesn't and they both move on to someone else.

Edited by stillafool
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I will have to respectfully disagree in turn! Being coddled is a sign of codependency. You can gain confidence by being independent - going out into the world and doing your own thing. Being independent and being in a relationship aren't mutually exclusive.

 

I've never felt the need in a relationship to prove I'm self-sufficient by breaking up to lose weight. That's a rather odd perspective to me! If you want to lose weight, then lose weight. It's not a complicated proposition, albeit challenging to implement (whether single or not).

 

Nor does it come from breaking up! If you want a job, you go out and find one. What difference does it make whether you have a girlfriend or not?

 

I can possibly see a point here, but I don't agree that established relationships require money, if the goal is to save. Everyone needs to eat, entertain themselves, travel, etc. It's perfectly possible to live the same budget lifestyle in a relationship as you would solo. The key is that both partners are mature, cooperative, and working to the same goals.

 

Let me put it another way. If you're in a relationship and you suddenly feel a need to increase your confidence, lose weight, get a job, or save money, do you think, "right, I need to break up with my partner!"? I certainly don't. I break up with my partner if there's something wrong with the relationship itself. And that's exactly the point with the OP. The relationship itself is flawed. These so-called "reasons" are just masking the truth for the OP, making it seem normal, and giving false hope.

 

 

But she stated that the things they need to work on is what keeps them apart. These ideas that she said they need to work on is inherently most of the reasons why they broke up. If they don't fix the personal reasons why they broke up, they can't work properly the second time around.

 

And they are absolutely codependent. She is making excuses for this immature guy so we will tell her "yeah forgive him and get back into the RS! Give it another go!" And this guy is literally trying to fill the codependency void by literally admitting that he wants to sleep with other girls.

 

People let their emotions guide them waaayy too much. People don't understand that when at least one person decides they want to break up, your relationship is over for at least a few years. When someone decides they want a break it's because they are not happy with the current situation. And one of two things can happen from there.

 

Either they spend a few years apart, working on themselves, and later realize each other is exactly what they want. Or they move on with their lives completely. But when two people break up it is because at that moment in time they are not compatible. Only self growth and an extended amount of time will determine whether they are compatible in the future.

 

But like I said, people let their emotions guide them way too much. So they get back together in a matter of weeks or months. Not nearly enough time to grow as a person. And they end up breaking up again

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