GiGS & LDR Male Dumpers HELP PLEASE. Is his email worth breaking NC?

[shastaa]

Please say something. Please? Do you hate me now? I'd understand if you do. But please don't just totally go blank and not say a word. I'm really worried about you to be honest. Kind of going out of my mind a bit.

 

I'm sorry for everything and hurting you. You don't realise how highly I think of you and what you meant to me. I didn't mean to sound cold.

 

Please just say something

 

Please help me. He's been sending 3 emails this week now since I have implemented NC on him. I feel a bit rude totally ignoring him etc. But he chose to lose me over 2mos ago to try and date someone else. This email was sent last night.

 

Is this just breadcrumbs? Alleviate his guilt for leaving and hurting me or does it mean he's regretful for losing me? I am really confused if I should respond or not. After BU there was LC very LC and then by 3rd Nov, I decided to stop responding and block him on all social media sites and chat apps bec I felt it was pointless and I have came into terms that he left already for someone else. I was not playing any games, I just don't want to be waiting for a message that will never come etc. I hate that feeling and I wanted to lose my attachment on him.

 

He told me that He doesn't know why he told me he love me and his feelings for me is not really clear to him,

he also mentioned that he thinks that if he really did loved me the situation (LDR and me separated but not legally annulled) should not matter and won't make him feel weird about our RS

 

Should I just ignore him or respond? Help please.

Edited November 26, 2017 by shastaa

[AT15]

Oh, now he needs you to say something? Screw that whining man child. What did he think would happen after he broke up with you for ANOTHER woman? Did he think you would be best friends, drinking buddies?

 

His actions say " wait, you're supposed to be all about me! Where did you go? I need to feed off your good loving energy."

 

Screw that selfish prick. Don't answer him. If you do, just say "Apology accepted, stop contacting me please."

 

Let him live with his decision. What a jerk for emailing you and expecting you to respond.

[rubyjuly]

Please say something. Please? Do you hate me now? I'd understand if you do. But please don't just totally go blank and not say a word. I'm really worried about you to be honest. Kind of going out of my mind a bit.

 

I'm sorry for everything and hurting you. You don't realise how highly I think of you and what you meant to me. I didn't mean to sound cold.

 

Please just say something

 

Please help me. He's been sending 3 emails this week now since I have implemented NC on him. I feel a bit rude totally ignoring him etc. But he chose to lose me over 2mos ago to try and date someone else. This email was sent last night.

 

Is this just breadcrumbs? Alleviate his guilt for leaving and hurting me or does it mean he's regretful for losing me? I am really confused if I should respond or not. After BU there was LC very LC and then by 3rd Nov, I decided to stop responding and block him on all social media sites and chat apps bec I felt it was pointless and I have came into terms that he left already for someone else. I was not playing any games, I just don't want to be waiting for a message that will never come etc. I hate that feeling and I wanted to lose my attachment on him.

 

He told me that He doesn't know why he told me he love me and his feelings for me is not really clear to him,

he also mentioned that he thinks that if he really did loved me the situation (LDR and me separated but not legally annulled) should not matter and won't make him feel weird about our RS

 

Should I just ignore him or respond? Help please.

 

 

That email to me doesn't sound right, it strikes me as being more about him needing some reassurance so he can feel better aka less guilty. I would either not respond at all or simply say something like "You know what you did. Please don't contact me again. Thanks."

[shastaa]

Thank you all si much for the reply. I really needed that. After almost a month of NC he does this. It's just f**k**g confusing. His last email just basically made it clear that everything was fake so I just chose to stay quiet bec didn't want to regret things I would've said if I did respond.

 

I don't really get why'd he say i mean so much to him when he can't even pinpoint what he felt for me. WTF is that?! During BU he said he he knows and very much aware that it might be a big a mistake and he might regret it and that he knows he will lose me, but he was so sure to BU to pursue other people bec LDR.

Edited November 26, 2017 by shastaa

[Highndry]

It's a selfish, pathetic email from a dumper, not even worth a response unless it's of the "please don't contact me again" variety.

[shastaa]

I actually told him during BU that i never wanna speak to him again while im breathing. It was as a result of the pain I was feeling. He gave me tons of wishy washy reasons during BU so after a month, I asked him for closure and clarity.

 

This was his response.

 

Hope you're OK.

 

* have you tried to find yourself by now? do you know now what you want?

1) Yes and no. I like the city a lot. I've realized how much I struggle with distance etc in a relationship. I've never been in a non LDR apart from Jorna when she was at uni for a few years but even then we were an hour apart. I just want to not be so worried about the future. Stress is so bad for people.

 

* when you told me once that you love me did you even mean it? when you told me i was always the one since 2009, did you mean it?

2) That's not an easy question. I didn't say it just for no reason. I don't know. I actually don't really know anything now. Part of me thinks I'm broken and *name* being the first love will always hold something over me with those words.

I did think you were amazing even in 09. I was totally in love with my ex then though. So no, I'd never have been with anyone else at that point.

 

* do you know now if the situation made you weird or is it that you never really had feelings for me?

3) it's not that I never had feelings for you. Letting you go was the hardest thing I've ever done. The situation does make me weird. It complicates everything and just felt like pressure.

 

* somewhere between the argument, i said i thought i found my forever person and you responded with "that's not fair, not leng term" waht does that mean?

4) I don't remember this.

 

* why did you gave up when we're close to getting there? i was ready to move sg, get better job to pay for annulment etc.?

5) Because if I'm not sure,how can I have you move your life here? If I'm confused and thinking shouldn't I have dated others before getting into something serious, how can I be OK with getting you to move your life for me.

 

* whe you said you wanted freedom, does that mean you wanna play the field, gain experiences or you are looking for long term serious relationship with someone you think that best suits your criteria?

6) I don't know. I'm not really a playing person. I know that doesn't add up with everything but like I said it's not all logical and clear.

 

* what did you mean by "i want to see where my head is at, or when you said it's not like i'll replace you"?

7) Huh? See point 1.

 

* what did you mean when you said you should habe been clearer from the start? were we only casually dating from your end?

8) No not casual. I get weird about labels. I don't know. Something changed with me with the 1st love breakup.

 

* what did you mean by bec distance it couod neber be a normal process, was serious from the start?

9) Normal couples slowly get together etc by meeting up. We had to rush into serious as distance was massive so we had to rush when we were together and it led to pressure.

 

* the last time we talked on whatsapp you said you were unhappy about the situation, did you mean our situation? how long have you felt weird? was it something you wanted to tell me months or weeks before?

10) I was just feeling sort of unhappy. I don't like being alone. Especially here in this new place. And like having someone here means can do things and get to know people and etc. I dunno.

 

How can you think I could ask you to wait? I'm an idiot but I'm not totally evil I couldn't do that to you. If I'm wanting freedom to see where my head is at then I could never ask you to wait or give you false hope. That's why.

 

I know this will probably annoy you. But I really don't mean to be. You really are an exceptional person aloe you really are. And i wonder how you are doing all the time.

 

The situation did male things a mess but if my feelings were totally clear then surely situation wouldn't have mattered? Tbh I'm not really sure what I felt and I can't tell you otherwise.

 

You are amazing and you deserve someone who is head over heels in love with you and can't bear to be without you. Really you do.

 

Sorry for the wall of text, but this email convinced me that i shouldn't have asked for it. All that i needed to accept was that he was dead sure to lose me over his freedom hence I just chose to disappear from him. Blocked him on FB but I am still FB friends with his brother, I don't know if that's right or wrong but his brother hasn't done anything bad to me and felt would be too bitter if I removed him too. I wasn't posting anything negative or sentimental things over it, just random funny ones or night outs.

 

I blocked him on whatsapp, I still have him on viber but that's bec it's on another phone and that phone does not go online all the time so i didn't bother doing blocking.

 

I just don't understand, I am dead sure he be flirting and seeing someone else as he said he doesn't wanna be alone in a new country, so why would he still have the need to ask how am i doing???

[Beachead]

Hey OP,

 

You could proceed in 2 directions.

 

If you aren't interested in risking a broken heart again from him, I would say block his email and forget him but if you think you may regret, then I would get straight to the point with him. Ask him what he wants. Tell him how you truly feel. Cut out all the bs and get your answers and go from there.

 

What's going on here is that time has passed since the break up and now the reality of his decision has finally hit him. It brought separation anxiety and that's what you're seeing right now. He's not thinking about what's best for you because all he is thinking about is soothing his anxiety.

 

Unless he comes out and admits his mistake and owns up for what he did, I wouldn't make any assumptions about his intentions to get back together.

 

Protect your heart.

Edited November 26, 2017 by Beachead

[shastaa]

Thank you for the insightful comment beachhead. That's the kind of response I am waiting for I think. I'd admit I am partly hypocrite if I say I don't want him crawling back but my logical self is telling me that if he does, we might end up on the same mess again given my sitch and distance hasn't been resolved.

 

I resorted to ask for advice as I am not used to being a cold person. I am always very welcoming regardless if someone did wrong or not. It kinda feels awful blanking him etc but I wanna make a stand that I wasn't joking when I told him I never wanna speak to him again, I was left severely bruised by the breakup mainly bec he chose to lose me to date someone else and him admitting that he was never sure about me after 1.5y of rs.

 

My dilemma is that how do I ask him straight 'ehat he wants' from me without sending an impression that I'd only speak to him if he wants to get back? He obv didn't want to lose me as a friend bec I treated him very well all throughout the rs and been each others best friend.

 

Also, I don't wanna let him off the hook by relieving his guilt cos what he did wasn't okay. I am not being spiteful tbh, he's the kind of guy that hates leaving things on a bad note, he repeatedly told me during the bu that i should never change bec my mantra has always been to be kind and compassionate. I know what I am saying now is contradictory but I am not yet in that place where I can selflessly wish him happiness with other girls when it was all done in the expense of my emotions.

 

Looking for signs if his email was sincere or he's just being selfish and wants my fix. I am not at all beautiful in comparison to possible girls he might be seeing but i can definitely calm down his demons when it comes down to it.

 

I know I should be selfless by this time. I'm trying to, but I wouldn't want to make things easier for him either while he's enjoying flirting with other girls. Thought of it still killing me.

[AT15]

Please, don't get set up to be used. These types are manipulative and will suck you dry until you are bitter and don't trust the world. Trust me,I've dated a few men like this and it's all about them.

 

Comfort after the break up is always desirable. However, letting go and moving on is always more about growin up and maturing. At this point it's all about you.

 

Breaking up with you for another is the nail in the coffin. I speak from experience. I went back to someone who did that to me and he dumped me again to go back to her. The pain and confusion was 10x worse. If I could go back and do it again, I would go no contact and stay no contact forever, from the moment he decided to stay out all night and not call. I thought I could fix it, so I sacrificed my own love for myself. It was an awful choice on my part.

[Beachead]

Thank you for the insightful comment beachhead. That's the kind of response I am waiting for I think. I'd admit I am partly hypocrite if I say I don't want him crawling back but my logical self is telling me that if he does, we might end up on the same mess again given my sitch and distance hasn't been resolved.

 

I resorted to ask for advice as I am not used to being a cold person. I am always very welcoming regardless if someone did wrong or not. It kinda feels awful blanking him etc but I wanna make a stand that I wasn't joking when I told him I never wanna speak to him again, I was left severely bruised by the breakup mainly bec he chose to lose me to date someone else and him admitting that he was never sure about me after 1.5y of rs.

 

My dilemma is that how do I ask him straight 'ehat he wants' from me without sending an impression that I'd only speak to him if he wants to get back? He obv didn't want to lose me as a friend bec I treated him very well all throughout the rs and been each others best friend.

 

Also, I don't wanna let him off the hook by relieving his guilt cos what he did wasn't okay. I am not being spiteful tbh, he's the kind of guy that hates leaving things on a bad note, he repeatedly told me during the bu that i should never change bec my mantra has always been to be kind and compassionate. I know what I am saying now is contradictory but I am not yet in that place where I can selflessly wish him happiness with other girls when it was all done in the expense of my emotions.

 

Looking for signs if his email was sincere or he's just being selfish and wants my fix. I am not at all beautiful in comparison to possible girls he might be seeing but i can definitely calm down his demons when it comes down to it.

 

I know I should be selfless by this time. I'm trying to, but I wouldn't want to make things easier for him either while he's enjoying flirting with other girls. Thought of it still killing me.

 

Love and relationships are always a risk in my books. From my own experiences and those of friends and many people on forums like this, I've noticed that dumpers who come back after breaking up for these kinds of reasons, don't usually come back out of sincerity. It's typically for a selfish reason. So if you choose to respond to him, be prepared to get hurt and be prepared to accept responsibility for the pain you may end up in.

 

I am direct because my heart can't take games when I am hurting but if you don't prefer this approach, then I would say something along the lines of this:

 

"Hey I'm doing okay. I haven't checked my emails but hope you're doing well too."

 

Do not bring up the past. Do not get emotional. Do not engage in long conversations. Take a day or two for your responses to him. Play it cool. It will drive him nuts. The truth will eventually bleed out of him. If he is serious about getting back together, he'll ask you if you want to meet or he might just flat out confess. Anything less, is unacceptable.

[shastaa]

AT25, Beachhead. I am very thankful for the concern.

 

It has thrown me back to a loop tbh. Ended up crying oceans again last night. I have heard about those approach actually, reading numerous forums and blogs. Thing is, I am usually straightforward and hate playing games, it exhausts me. He knows that. I like open conversations with bleeding honesty whereas looking back, he on the other hand is a bit childish, immature and partly egotistic who gets so flustered when girls pays him attention and he's 33. There's othing wrong about that and it's human bit it gets way over his head for quite some time.

 

That's why messaging him feels tricky. I don't want to give that kind of attention to him. I don't like playing games too nd I don't like to sound so punitive as well.

 

Hate emotions. urgh.

[Highndry]

AT25, Beachhead. I am very thankful for the concern.

 

It has thrown me back to a loop tbh. Ended up crying oceans again last night. I have heard about those approach actually, reading numerous forums and blogs. Thing is, I am usually straightforward and hate playing games, it exhausts me. He knows that. I like open conversations with bleeding honesty whereas looking back, he on the other hand is a bit childish, immature and partly egotistic who gets so flustered when girls pays him attention and he's 33. There's othing wrong about that and it's human bit it gets way over his head for quite some time.

 

That's why messaging him feels tricky. I don't want to give that kind of attention to him. I don't like playing games too nd I don't like to sound so punitive as well.

 

Hate emotions. urgh.

 

You make a lot of excuses for him and, no, it's not typical "human" behavior and there is a lot wrong with it. Case in point: What he did to you. Time to take off the blinders and accept that his behavior is not ok. You have him on a pedestal.

[shastaa]

You make a lot of excuses for him and, no, it's not typical "human" behavior and there is a lot wrong with it. Case in point: What he did to you. Time to take off the blinders and accept that his behavior is not ok. You have him on a pedestal.

I do not know if I do have him on my pedestal or not.

 

Part of me knows he's gone, he's not good for me provided he chose a life without me but annoyingly, at the same time, a part of me wants him somewhere down the line, in far future, after he's done and fed up messing with his life, part of me is also sad thinking about him in another relationship, ego is an evil thing, saddens me that i am no longer the person he messages first and last daily, he used to tell me that i am his world. now it's just words. just nothing.

 

some days i go delusional that he'll be back for me after realizing what we had. reading forums keep me on track tho. keeping NC and treating the bu as final and ex will never come back gives me courage to move on. if only i could read his mind. getting rejected and replaced immediately is so hard, wouldn't even wish it on my orst enemy if i had one.

[shastaa]

WOW. CUTTING NC WHEN YOU'RE HORRIBLY EMOTIONAL AND TRUTHFUL HAS REAL SETBACKS.

THIS IS LONG BUT OLS TAKE TIME TO READ, I REALLY NEED AN OBJECTIVE AND SUBJECTIVE VIEW ON THIS

 

i decided to reply to him and told him that i found solace that the rs was just fake given he never really had feelings etc. i additionally told him that i am giving up on him too.

 

he then replied:

 

Hi. I wouldn't play games. Honestly. I really wouldn't. I'm sorry. It wasn't fake to me. And it didn't come easy. Don't remember how much I was upset too when I told you etc. I'm sorry I don't want to make things worse. But I really do mean it. I don't think of us as being nothing. We were basically together for a year and it meant so much to me. You got me through so much and I really am grateful and just think you're such a genuine and decent person. You're wrong when you think I didn't have feelings or whatever. Obviously that's not true.

 

so i just said, you had already stated it yourself etc. and he said he was sorry, it's not what he meant, he then shifted the convo more casually but took him 1H or more for the response. i got pissed and told him i was going to bed and told him the convo is half ass*d anyway.

 

next morning he replied and was saying sorry, he went out for a bike ride almost til midnight, he had no data on his UK num etc excuses excuses so i got even more oissed as he wanted to speak but instead he went out biking?! and he didn't even told me he won't be replying bec he'd be going out.

 

so the ff eve, i got so annoyed, i gave him a piece of my mind, told him idk what his motives are and if he doesn't let me know what he wants from me, I'd rather not hear from him again esp if he's in a new relationship. i told him i dont want games and i can't read his mind etc and oth sentimental stuff. (i know, im pathetic)

 

so he replied the same night:

 

I'm honestly not playing games. I wouldn't do that honestly I wouldn't do that to you.

 

I wanted to see how you were. I wanted to just speak to you. I don't know. I'm sorry if I messed things up by getting in touch but I just had to know you were ok.

 

I don't know what to say now. I didn't message you out of guilt. I just don't think I made it clear how important you were to me and how much I valued what we had.

 

It's not games. I didn't message you for ego. Or to try and get back with you. Or to hurt you. I just wanted to message you and speak to you.

 

i got even more pissed bec as a female dumpee, you get the gist. we had a mini sort of argument and few exchange of emails, i replied telling him that if thst is his only reason why he messages, then just cut it out as i have already come to terms accepting he left me and for someone else and that i cannot stay as just casual friends, if he's in a new relationship, that's fine but he has to let me live my life without him.

 

he then said:

 

You assume everything. You're so angry at me. I wish you wouldn't say stupid things like better than you. It was never about that. You can be mad at me but the situation was so complicated. Situation and distance but mainly situation really created a mess. As a person you're amazing. So never think silly things like that.

 

I hate it how you just hate me now but I guess that's normal. Sorry.

 

i just said it was no longer my business if he'd be admitting to ne in a new rs or not. that the closure i need was that he left even i was willing to be with him in another country, i said idk if he thinks i am immatire and bitter, bec i straightforwardly told him that i am. told him that being rejected and replaced immediately was f*ck*ng painful obviously.

 

so his response was:

 

I didn't mean it exactly how you think tho. Feelings were strong. Otherwise I wouldn't wonder how you are and it wouldn't make me feel low.

 

I didn't leave you for someone better. I left because I had to just find what i want from life and everything and I didn't want to do that down the line and wreck you and me even more.

 

You say you would never break up with a person for someone else but...you can't know that because how can you. By your logic Bali guy should never have been with you because he should've stayed with the existing one only.

 

Meh I really wanted us to just have a conversation and talk and not have it be an argument. It's my fault. I hurt you and now that's all I am.

 

SG would've helped situation but would still have had to lie. That's the hardest thing. It's the lying to family and everyone about us.

 

Everything was a confused mess. I tried to be clear with you and not mess you around. I'm sorry.

 

You're such a perfect person. I mean that. I don't know what to say now. I didn't want to get into serious talk stuffs.

 

 

 

then i stopped replying, the next morning i felt gutted. so i sent him an email telling him sorry i got my emotions all over me, to give me more space bec i'm still taking it in. that i cannot keep contact while he's with someone new. i will only be toxic and i don't wanna continue to uoset him and that i will reach out to him once i have straightened myself up.

 

and his response was:

 

Hey. You have nothing to be sorry about.

And obviously the idea of you and someone else really bothers me of course it does. But i also want you to be happy as you deserve to be.

 

You don't upset me or cause me bad things. Really. It's not about blame. I don't even think it's about me being totally at fault. Let alone you. I am at fault for hurting you tho to a large degree agreed.

That's really good you have another offer. That's really fast!

 

You never said the other day why dinner was only partly good. Bugged me. Hope it wasn't because I upset you or something.

 

I do eat noodles and soup but also a lot of chicken rice lol. Food here is really good but I should cook really as healthier.

 

Work very hectic at the moment. More so than I thought it would be this early. But it's OK. I like it.

[shastaa]

my dilemma now is.. if he told me he doesn't want to get back, should i take it as face value? i have mentioned lots times about new rs but he never denied nor admitted it, why? is he just being friendly or is he establishing a connection bec he still sees a possibility of us down the road? should i go back to nc now? seize hope? made me all confused bec i thought he never felt something for me based on his closure email, why is he telling me this now?

[basil67]

Why would you even care what he wants? Just block him.

 

He's long distance anyway - not like he's a serious contender.