Girlfriend of 17 months has feelings for another guy? What do I do?

[Dazedandlost]

So my girlfriend and I have been together for 17 months after 4 months she said I love you first then I said it a month later. 7 months in and she started talking about marriage and our future and she even picked out a first song for us that told our story. 1 month ago she told me she can't wait till the day she says I do, and told me how much she loves me. For our 1 year in the summer she made 365 hand written notes for me to read 1 each day up untill our 2 year.

 

Writing 365 hand written notes you just don't do that for anyone that's real love. Now I spoil her rotten love her more then anyone or anything tell her all the time how beautiful she is and how much she means to me. Now we haven't been perfect, she hates that I work 3rd shift cause I can't see her as much or be there for her when she needs me. Also she has a very stressful life and job. She can be very moody, gets upset easily and has told me 100 times any other guy would of let by now.

 

Also I buried all our problems under the rug and never wanted to talk about them and she hates that. So there was this other guy at her church who's in her bible study that she had feelings for and he had feelings back but they lost them a while ago and then she started daiting me and things were love at first sight we have so much in common I mean alot but recently they both regained thoes feelings cause I wasant there when she needed me and he was cause I was working. And now she's torn who to choose.

 

She says she thinks of me first she loves me so much she's taken by me but needs time to think but she has a very important test in 3weeks on December 16th and won't think about it till after then even tho she has all the evidence from both side. She also works 7 days a week. She means everything to me and I've been fighting for my love and now we both have to leave her alone till after her test. I don't know what to do or how I'm gonna pass time for 3 weeks. I have no clue who she's gonna choose.

 

Someone tell me something cause I thought let her go see if it's real love and she will come back but I know this test means everything to her to pass and I can't cloud her mind anymore. Also if she really loves me and wants a future with me why would she be thinking so hard about this decision. I accept all of her and this other guy dosent know all of her. I believe she is the one but I'm so lost and confused I don't want my heartbroken.

Edited November 28, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs and merge threads

[Highndry]

You only have one choice in my opinion, and that is to end this relationship immediately. She has devalued you and is treating you like an option, probably the 2nd option if things go well with him. She's cheating.

[Art Vandelay]

You only have one choice in my opinion, and that is to end this relationship immediately. She has devalued you and is treating you like an option, probably the 2nd option if things go well with him. She's cheating.

 

Me too. If she's doing this now I'd be wary investing more time in this relationship.

[HumanMachine]

She sounds as mad as a box of frogs. Tell her you’ll help her make her decision, then proceed to block her. Only way!

Edited November 25, 2017 by HumanMachine

[Marc878]

You're going to wait hoping she choses you?

 

She sounds childish and immature.

 

Dump her tomorrow. She can easily be replaced.

 

Better get some respect for yourself of no one else will have any for you.

[Art Vandelay]

And not that this is the reason to dump her, but don't be surprised if she chooses you after the fact, apologizing and trying to explain how she f****d up.

[ExpatInItaly]

This girl is the type who loves the idea of being in love, but has a superficial idea of what true love actually is. Sure, she's full of grand romantic gestures and proclamations but she also sounds impulsive and temperamental. You need to be careful building a future with these types, and now you're seeing why.

 

I would not be waiting around for her to choose between you and him. She is testing the waters with her crush and you are almost surely going to get hurt when you find out exactly what she's been up to in this period of space.

[basil67]

Hi Dazedandlost. What she is doing you to is beyond disrespectful. Asking you to wait around while she decides between you and another lad? No way should you be Ok with this.

 

You say that you've loved her and put up with a lot of her bad behaviour over the time you've been together. The fact that you didn't tell her that her request is unacceptable makes me suspect that you've gotten to the stage of accepting the unacceptable from her.

 

I reckon you should aim for better than this treatment she's giving you.

[jjgitties]

OP, sometimes when you are too into and easy going with someone, they take you for granted and think whatever happens, you will always be there. Its actually not that attractive or very sexy.

 

I don't think its wise to offer to be someone elses rug they can walk all over. If she is at a cross roads, make her make her move, and you need to make your move. Don't let her get in this, I will try the new guy out, and it it doesn't work out, I can always go back to my old loser boyfriend. It doesn't work that way. Would she do it for you? let you go off an screw around with some hottie and then just come back to her if you get dumped?

Edited November 28, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Merged thread cleanup - remove quote

[NuevoYorko]

Let her go. Don't do it with the idea that she'll come back.

[DKT3]

Cut her off. As the previous poster said, not with the idea that she will come back, but with the idea that you deserve better.

 

Oh BTW, her telling you she doesn't or didn't like all those things about this other guy, supposedly before she had a thing for him is bull. It more likely that she has been into this guy for a long time and he has just recently shown an interest in her.

 

If you allow yourself to wait around for her to choose you it will likely set a template for the relationship in the time that follows. People only do to you what you allow to be done.

[Versacehottie]

Hi Dazedandlost. What she is doing you to is beyond disrespectful. Asking you to wait around while she decides between you and another lad? No way should you be Ok with this.

 

You say that you've loved her and put up with a lot of her bad behaviour over the time you've been together. The fact that you didn't tell her that her request is unacceptable makes me suspect that you've gotten to the stage of accepting the unacceptable from her.

 

I reckon you should aim for better than this treatment she's giving you.

 

Wow I agree with basil. This is so disrespectful. She has been your gf for 17 months. Her moment to choose between you and "other guys" was 17 months ago. How do things get to a moment where she needs to choose between you and some other guy??? She has been cheating, at least emotionally, if not more.

 

YOU should walk away. This is a woman you cannot trust. Sounds like she will always do what is best for herself in an indulgent way with no regard to loyalty or her own personal integrity. There is not a good future with someone like this--well at least not for you. She will continue to steamroll you, walk all over you, etc. She has irretrievably broken trust, IMO. You definitely deserve better. Walking away is your ONLY chance (with her). If you wait around until she decides she will never appreciate you. Walk away now and if she comes back on her knees then maybe. But a huge maybe, I personally would not risk investing further with a person who does this. The audacity! Seriously, good luck

[Dazedandlost]

But I love her I think she's the one. Were both Christians she strong in her faith. She's a virgin she dosent believe in moving in with some one till marriage she dosent want to be proposed to till she dates a guy for at least 2 years. She's a rule follower she loves to follow rules. I mean if she dose choose me and goes all in with me I do have the small problem of this other guy goes to her church and is in her bible study group. But I love her so so much. I feel if I push her she will hate me if I let her go and see if she comes back it will backfire and she wont. My heart says wait for the 16th to see if she chooses you my heart wants her so bad.

[Buriall]

Mans extremity is god's opportunity..

[Jdoublenn]

Yes, let her go. The disrespect here is disgusting and you most definitely deserve better.

[hercules22]

love makes us blind it doesnt matter if we love the other person alot if they dont feel the same way there is no point and for her to only come up with that conclusion after you been together for 17 months is so sad .

[LoverOfDance]

I am quite surprised at everyone's replies on this thread. If I was this girl I would be contemplating letting you go as well no matter how much I loved you. From what I have read, you weren't really there for her when she needed you. You didn't spend a lot of time with her. Whenever she tried to discuss the issues in your relationship, you refused and chose to sweep it under the rug. Now the feelings she had for someone else before you are coming back. IT IS NOT HER FAULT that these feelings are coming back. You neglected your relationship and refused to deal with your issues.

 

I don't think she has cheated on you. She is contemplating leaving your relationship because things haven't been working out for a while. After her test, I think you should finally have the talk she has been trying to have with you. Don't run away from your problems. Talk to her. Address your issues and see if you can come up with some solutions. Don't think about this other guy. I believe her feelings for him only came back because you neglected her and neglected your relationship. You both need to take responsibility and try to work through this.

Edited November 28, 2017 by LoverOfDance

[kgcolonel]

I am quite surprised at everyone's replies on this thread. If I was this girl I would be contemplating letting you go as well no matter how much I loved you. From what I have read, you weren't really there for her when she needed you. You didn't spend a lot of time with her. Whenever she tried to discuss the issues in your relationship, you refused and chose to sweep it under the rug. Now the feelings she had for someone else before you are coming back. IT IS NOT HER FAULT that these feelings are coming back. You neglected your relationship and refused to deal with your issues.

 

I don't think she has cheated on you. She is contemplating leaving your relationship because things haven't been working out for a while. After her test, I think you should finally have the talk she has been trying to have with you. Don't run away from your problems. Talk to her. Address your issues and see if you can come up with some solutions. Don't think about this other guy. I believe her feelings for him only came back because you neglected her and neglected your relationship. You both need to take responsibility and try to work through this.

 

 

This exactly!!^^^^^^^^^

[stillafool]

OP, do you want a wife who the minute you have to go out of town for business or a forced separation, she gets needy, and the closest man to her can pull her attention off of you? That what it seems like to me. She's inconsistent and fickle at best.

[Chi townD]

I don't think she has cheated on you. She is contemplating leaving your relationship because things haven't been working out for a while. After her test, I think you should finally have the talk she has been trying to have with you. Don't run away from your problems. Talk to her. Address your issues and see if you can come up with some solutions. Don't think about this other guy. I believe her feelings for him only came back because you neglected her and neglected your relationship. You both need to take responsibility and try to work through this.

 

 

No, dude. She has cheated on you. Physically cheated? Maybe. Not intercourse, but you don't know if she's kissing on this guy or heavy petting after these bible studies. But, emotionally cheating? DEFINITELY!!!! She is emotionally invested in this other dude so much so, that she's almost willing to throw you to the curb over this guy.

 

So, yes. You have a cheating girlfriend. Question is, do you deserve that? The person I quoted is putting the entire blame on you and that's not fair (sorry, Loverofdance) You can be blamed for 50% of the problems in this relationship. But, she needs to own up to the other 50%. But, her cheating on you, getting involved with another dude is 100% on her.

 

I don't know, dude. If I were you, I would want to be with a girl that wants to be with ME because there's no other place in the world she would rather be. Your girlfriend can't say that.....as a matter of fact, she's already got on foot out the door. And don't be kidding yourself, she's still talking to this other dude regardless of your feelings. Here's the rub dude. Currently, you're not in a relationship. It stopped being a relationship the moment the two of you became three.

 

You got some thinking to do, dude.

Edited November 28, 2017 by Chi townD

[Dazedandlost]

Even if it was my fault is she was in love with me and wanted marriage and a future with me shouldn't she see I realized the mistakes I made and I'm willing to fix them? Also isint it better have loved then to have lost?

[Chi townD]

Even if it was my fault is she was in love with me and wanted marriage and a future with me shouldn't she see I realized the mistakes I made and I'm willing to fix them? Also isint it better have loved then to have lost?

 

Yeah, you're kind of off with that quote. It goes, "It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all".

 

Meaning that even though you lost, you still experienced love and you will always remember and cherish those moments because you had them.

 

 

But, what they don't tell you with that quote is that it still hurts like a BITCH!

[LoverOfDance]

@Dazedandconfused

 

If I was in a relationship with you and I felt unsupported and neglected, I would break up with you too, even if I was in love. It would be a very hard decision but it doesn't make sense to remain in a relationship when you feel alone - you might as well be alone.

 

I feel like you're removing the focus on your relationship and placing it on this guy - once more avoiding the issues in the relationship. IT IS NOT ABOUT HIM. It is about you and her. I do not believe she has cheated on you because you have no evidence that she has been hanging out with this guy more than she should and nurturing feelings for him. The feelings she had for him simply resurfaced.

 

As previously said, I do not believe this is her fault. It could happen to anyone. The feelings were already there before you and it's possible that they never completely left. I believe you need to stop focusing on this guy. You are avoiding the real issue. From what you've written, she loves you and her feelings for you are stronger than her feelings for this other guy. She is confused and wants to leave because your relationship is crappy and you don't want to talk and try to improve things. Focus on the issues within your relationship. Stop running away from them and please for God sake, talk to her (when she's done with test of course).

Edited November 28, 2017 by LoverOfDance

[Jsos91]

I've been in your situation a couple of times and have left that person both times never to look back. You know why? because I live by the thought that if you have to choose between me and someone else, please don't choose me.

[Chi townD]

@Dazedandconfused

 

If I was in a relationship with you and I felt unsupported and neglected, I would break up with you too, even if I was in love. It would be a very hard decision but it doesn't make sense to remain in a relationship when you feel alone - you might as well be alone.

 

I feel like you're removing the focus on your relationship and placing it on this guy - once more avoiding the issues in the relationship. IT IS NOT ABOUT HIM. It is about you and her. I do not believe she has cheated on you because you have no evidence that she has been hanging out with this guy more than she should and nurturing feelings for him. The feelings she had for him simply resurfaced.

 

As previously said, I do not believe this is her fault. It could happen to anyone. The feelings were already there before you and it's possible that they never completely left. I believe you need to stop focusing on this guy. You are avoiding the real issue. From what you've written, she loves you and her feelings for you are stronger than her feelings for this other guy. She is confused and wants to leave because your relationship is crappy and you don't want to talk and try to improve things. Focus on the issues within your relationship. Stop running away from them and please for God sake, talk to her (when she's done with test of course).

 

In my opinion and experience....terrible advice.

 

Dude, whether it was your fault or not, she's got one foot out the door and there is another guy involved. There is another guy in the picture and she's "not sure" how she feels. And some on here may suggest that you are a terrible boyfriend as to suggest that this is not her fault. Then, who's fault is it? Oh yeah...all yours. Feeling better now we got that out of the way? But she allowed another guy into her life when she committed herself to this relationship. That is cheating! She's about ready to kick you to the curb FOR THIS GUY! If that isn't an emotional attachment, then I don't know what is. But, remember.....all your fault.

 

So, please point out a perfect couple? Guess what? They don't exist. Every single couple on this planet is going to have fights, or disagreements, or don't spend enough time together. But, couples usually work past these things, NOT SET OUT TO FIND SOMEONE ELSE!!

 

In my opinion, let her go. Learn from your mistakes and apply what not to do in your next relationship. Stop torturing yourself waiting for her to make up her mind. Personally, I would make it up for her......BYE!!!!