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Was with him over 3 yrs... we were friends first, after couple months he asked me to be his girlfriend...I never loved someone as much as him and he started talking about us in the future married..said I was the best gf he ever had... shared the same profession/ passion too, so we bonded even more doing projects sometimes together..I'm so devastated and heartbroken and have serious depression and ptsd since what happened..

 

After we were together a while (we met in 2014 in late march) he started to get a bit controlling, asking me if I for example could please make sure to always answer when he called so he wouldn't worry.. he also began to show temper issues, becoming really angry over minor things,... I really loved him and everything had been so good I overlooked it..then before the holidays 2014 I almost broke it off bc of his temper, he didn't hit me (yet, at that point) but would when angry yell and scream and a couple times broke stuff... well out of empathy I held off on breaking it off because of the holidays I felt bad..but, what ended up happening was over the next few weeks he was so loving and everything was sooo great that I had changed my mind and decided to stay e him.

Over next few months it was good overall.. then he started showing temper issues and for the first time hit me in the face. I was stunned and cause of ptsd I can't remember exactly what he/I did or said next. I just know I was in shock. Later he said he was sorry but I shouldn't have pissed him off...

 

Fast forward-- over the months >years the verbal and physical abuse got worse, and eventually so bad I had to go to the ER twice...his mom came down to visit us in the spring of this year and a few days before she arrived he gave me a black eye. It makes me so sad to think I lived that way-- he kept insisting I hold ice on it trying to make it go away before she came but it didn't go away, just faded a little bit -- he considered asking her not to come w some excuse but she then said she really wanted to see us so he said ok. He told her I had had a fall and not to ask me questions about a "mark on my face".... I was so humiliated and didn't want her to see me w a black eye which I told him... he just told me to keep icing it and put makeup on and reassured me that she thought I had a fall but I knew she's pretty smart and might probably see thru that. And she did. She came and it still feels sad remembering the look she had when she saw me was kind of shock and pity.. she had a talk w him and told him if that's what he's doing he needs to go to anger management.

 

Less than a month after her visit he assaulted me so bad one day, held me in the car for a long time threatening to break my jaw and I couldn't leave he said or I would end up in intensive care... he finally went off on me and started physically attacking me, a woman saw and called police- he got busted for it and now incarcerated

 

The effect of all that-- things he said to me that no man would be happy w me, messed me up in the head. He also said he loved me more than anyone he was ever with and how he was sorry and we could work it out after he called me from jail.

 

I feel like I'll never be healthy to have a relationship again nor do I want one. I got a cat I adopted and she's my best friend

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Wow, I can't begin to imagine what you went through. Being alone is probably a really good idea for now. But if you're not already doing so, please consider therapy. Not only to help you heal but to dig through why you didn't walk away from him and to make you stronger for if and when you do decide that you're ready to get out and find love.

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I just started recently w a therapist who mostly treats patients w trauma due to abuse, violence etc. She's excellent, yet the damage I have in my goes so deep worries me will be with me to a large extent through my life-- I was basically held hostage that day by him in the car and wouldn't let me leave, while he screamed at and threatened to break my jaw and many other things . I try not to think what could've ended up happening to me if that woman didn't call 911..my doctor prescribed anti anxiety meds for me that I only use when I really need them, but I carry them with me when I go out because you can't predict when severe anxiety/ flashback or ptsd triggers will come up..I have been triggered a few times for very non- eventful things, that I wouldn't have been able to ever imagine would trigger my ptsd-- so I have to take the medication with me wherever I go.

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He was in the past before we got together, he would oddly enough go to aa meetings the whole time we were together (I say oddly because the whole thing is about being honest w yourself and humble and admitting you need help , but the whole time he was beating me behind closed doors.

 

There was even those times he would actually go to a meeting, talk about those steps and then smack me around in the car on the way home...??

 

I went to the AA meetings with him as his support person and god I went to more than I can count, I did it because he appreciated knowing I supported him..I guess the support went one way it was all about him

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I got a cat I adopted and she's my best friend

 

This bit brought a little smile along with a tear to my eye.

That is one lucky little cat having found you - you have a lot of love to give and it sounds like she is giving it right back to you.

 

I've experienced abuse - not anywhere near the degree that you have - it began very subtly just about the point where I was falling in love with the guy - I never did fall. I felt left in limbo sometimes liking him, sometimes frustrated with what appeared at the time to be bizarre behaviour and what I initially thought was a lot of totally unserious comments and statements.

Things got worse - as is standard with this type of person. I had never experienced abuse before - jerk behaviour yes but not actual abuse and I can honestly say that even when I could see what was happening it was so difficult to get out of the situation. I was so busy with work at the time but also so exhausted from his behaviour that I didn't have the energy to break free and make it stick.

Eventually I reached my 'last straw' after numerous attempts at breaking up and in the end after only 7 months I badly needed it to end and needed to find a clear simple way to do it without him having any ability to talk me around again. It took me a week to figure out how - stupid - but I was that exhausted! I sent him a text, that was the break up. I promised to myself not to take his calls, not to answer the door if he turned up, not to answer mails.

He took it as is, simply and very quickly with no fighting, no talking me around. Later - a few months later he got back in touch - I was in the wrong again - this time for telling a mutual friend that he had isolated me from whilst we were together by telling me he and her were close friends and that she was the one he went to talk to about our relationship (there were in fact many more than I can count coffee, drinks, dinner, weekend meets with this woman and her fiancé which were completely made up by him). I got back in touch with her post break up and told her I had ended it. That's when all his lies about their closeness came out. It took a while for her to tell me as I didn't tell her why we had split - then one day I said to her that I felt it wasn't fair to tell her the reason as I knew she was close to him - she was stunned and called me right there and then.

After he said I was in the wrong again he then went on to say 'you were not meant to tell anyone, our relationship is private and no one else's business and it was not part of the plan'. Once he said that I realised why he accepted it so quick - in his mind it wasn't over and his plan was to bide his time and worm his way back.

 

It totally incenses me that men (and women - though the majority is men) do this to people they claim to love.

 

What you've experienced is horrific. There is no other way to explain it and

Thanks to that woman and no doubt your strength in seeing through the prosecution even if it was taken out of your hands in the main you're - alive.

It sounds like you have found yourself a great therapist too.

Please give yourself time, a lot of love and remember that if the best you can do some days is sit and cuddle that new best friend then that's fine. Sometimes doing your best for you is completely simple things.

 

I did a lot of research and reading after my experience - around 6 months later - I wanted to know what the hell happened.

It taught me a lot and I have read some not so good and some great books that have really helped. One rings out as being one I will always keep and refer to as it's got simple checklists of signs and signals to watch out for in someone when you're getting to know them and dating.

You are not at all at the point where you would be ready to date yet but along the way, whilst you heal and get help doing a bit of reading may well help you as it did me.

I have a whole thread on here of book suggestions which I could link for you if you are interested - let me know - I don't want you to feel overwhelmed.

 

Talking also helps and you have free reign here - please use it to full advantage. There's a lot of great folk on LS who can and will add to the support you need right now.

 

You have endured a truly dreadful experience, I am so glad you're away from it. Those after effects will take time to deal with - which you are fully aware of.

Be proud of yourself - you have every reason to be. You have sought help, posted on here and also have that new little friend to love. These all feel like baby steps to you - but they are all quite significant. Why?

Because you are learning to love yourself - all these things are just for you - that is a massive step. :)

You have got this and you have the capacity to recover from it. It'll take some work but the biggest step is always the first step.

 

Sending you a virtual and huge (((HUG))) and some chin rubs to your little furry friend - please pass them on to her for me. xx

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todreaminblue

animals are the best therapy........they love you unconditionally and when i say love i mean that what real love is ...unconditional....

 

i have ptsd among other mental issues i have been beaten to an inch of my life...never prosecuted anyone.....never laid charges.......you are brave to have gone through that.....with me couldnt do it.....i have a disassociative disorder.....undiagnosed ....unrecognised...but turning up to court as a child or into a child like state in court........not really an option.....maybe that is why i have never .....pressed charges against anyone.....my justice will come.....its in gods hands ......

 

i can tell you if you will have a relationship again all i can say is i did and the way i moved on ...is with my animals my family my close friends who have stuck by me believe in me and love me... and the biggest thing i know of..... forgiveness in my heart for the people who have hurt and abused me.....

 

when you forgive those or the person who has hurt you....you will find peace.....that doesnt mean feeling sorry for him .....it means simply forgiving him.....and you moving on without him.....best wishes to you...deb

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When is he due out of prison?

I think it is great you got a little cat for your own health, but make sure you never let him anywhere near it.

Animals often get caught up in domestic abuse and abusers will use animals to lever control over their victims either by actually abusing/killing the animal or threatening to do so.

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animals are the best therapy........they love you unconditionally and when i say love i mean that what real love is ...unconditional....

 

i have ptsd among other mental issues i have been beaten to an inch of my life...never prosecuted anyone.....never laid charges.......you are brave to have gone through that.....with me couldnt do it.....i have a disassociative disorder.....undiagnosed ....unrecognised...but turning up to court as a child or into a child like state in court........not really an option.....maybe that is why i have never .....pressed charges against anyone.....my justice will come.....its in gods hands ......

 

i can tell you if you will have a relationship again all i can say is i did and the way i moved on ...is with my animals my family my close friends who have stuck by me believe in me and love me... and the biggest thing i know of..... forgiveness in my heart for the people who have hurt and abused me.....

 

when you forgive those or the person who has hurt you....you will find peace.....that doesnt mean feeling sorry for him .....it means simply forgiving him.....and you moving on without him.....best wishes to you...deb

 

I'm really sorry what you went through and your pain..somewhere along the way during all the abuse the ptsd came into play, because I was living in a state of not knowing for certain when he might go off and what little thing or nothing at all would end with him starting to get mad which quickly turned into threats and abuse.

Just to clarify something I didn't have the strength to report him or file charges ever--the only reason he got busted was that day when he was holding me in the car, that ended in him threatening me and physically attacking me a stranger called 911--- so she herself was a witness and the first one the police took their report from, also 911 saves the recorded call--it was pretty much done for him then.. also even though I had always kept all the abuse to myself, and even in the ER had covered for him the times I was treated there in the past-- this time since it actually got called in and even more so by a stranger it was not in my hands... so what I'm saying is once that stranger called 911 that day and gave an account of what she saw happening and then stuck around to give a report to the police etc it was not something I had any say in at all, is that legally it wasn't me vs him, it was the state vs him. The district attorney picked it up and filed it as 2 felony counts and 1 misdemeanor. I was contacted by the district attorney who informed me that she was assigned to the case as the prosecutor and that she represents the state, not me personally.

 

It was very stressful and traumatizing the whole legal thing in itself--for one thing the d.a. was not the warmest or kindest person, a couple times when I tried to ask her a question she would mostly in a business type tone tell me she wasn't my personal attorney and that because she represents the state, she can't assist me with those things and I was for the most part kept in the dark about so much of what to expect etc. She gave me just basic information such as date he was going to be arraigned, and that I could attend if I wanted (I didn't) and that she would subpoena me for the court case.

She said I was now automatically a witness for the state, along with the woman who had called 911 that day. We were both going to be subpoenaed she did let me know that which made me sick and terrified the idea of going to a court where he would be there and having to talk caused me more anxiety than I could handle.

 

I'm sorry you have dissociative episodes from the abuse and know how it's like, after all of that I experienced episodes of dissociation from ptsd.

I have to carry meds with me my doctor prescribes me, they kick in pretty quickly as they are intended to quickly relieve anxiety or panic.

 

I didn't have a choice legally re court, I even met with an attorney a couple months before for a consultation to find out if there was any way I could skip court and she said that a subpoena is not an invitation- it's a legal command basically from the court for a witness to show up, she said the only way I could "get out of it" is if my depression was bad and I had to be hospitalized but in that case she explained since it was a felony case the judge would not just drop the whole case, he would postpone the proceedings until I was out of the hospital. So I bit the bullet and decided I would just try to go and get it over with.

 

During the summer I almost committed suicide over the weekend of my birthday, I hit rock bottom and hope to God I never get to that place again where I had lost all hope and was in despair, it was really all too much. I wouldn't wish that kind of pain on anyone..I called a suicide hotline and the guy was really kind and stayed on the phone with me, just letting me talk about all of that and how I felt and he asked if I would make a safety agreement with him so I did, and that kindness helped pull me through..

 

I would recommend animals to anyone for the addition of Ruby my cat has really helped me at times pull me over a hard spot. She is sensitive and smart, she's a Siamese cat and seems to sense when I'm feeling intense emotions even if I don't show it and she will either give me this look like "it's okay, your ok" or come over and rub up to me. She's like my little girl I love her so much. I took her to get a Halloween picture taken at this pet store, she is sort of like my partner in life now. I realize I have a long uphill battle and just tell myself I will try to do my best and see where that takes me because it's all I can do, I do sometimes worry about not hitting that rock bottom again of despair that I did back in the summer.

 

Hope the best for your healing too

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Thank you so much Gemma for your very kind and thoughtful words... it means a lot to me. Yes I love my cat, she's really a gem I found one day in a animal pound, I asked to see her and they brought her in the little visiting area, after ten minutes sitting there with her, she walked up and rubbed her head against my forehead a few times and started purring..she seemed really sweet so I was like yea, I'll take her! I don't know her story since all the pound had written about her was her previous owner left her at the pound a few weeks before I came along to adopt her. I was curious to know a little of her history but all they said is her owner dropped her off to relinquish her at the pound. I love her personality, she is sensitive and gentle, even though the vet said she has a lot of Siamese in her she isn't very vocal most of the time she's quiet however I can see how she's Siamese because when she does vocalize it doesn't sound like a meow, like a cat I had a long time ago. It's not a regular meow it sounds more like a baby cry, "wah - wah " when she tries to tell me something, and if I put on music she will start to vocalize a lot to the music it's very funny.

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hi Elaine,

 

Oh my gosh I wouldn't let him touch her ( my cat)...she's my little girl is how I feel and I'm very protective of her --- in answer your question he is not due out for four years but the victim services person told me he could get out early and they would notify me. It's really triggering to my emotions hearing anything about him at all-- a couple times I got a automated call from victim services updating me about a change in his status (when he was transferred from county to state and then another time re an update of his sentence etc) Because my priority is to not hit rock bottom and get suicidal like I did in July I am considering asking victim services to not contact me with updates anymore because it is very very re- traumatizing to even hear his name or anything regarding him, brings it all back to me and I'm trying to heal and move ahead. There's nothing I can do about any change in his status anyways and since it's so triggering to me, and I am still emotionally pretty fragile I don't know if it's good for me to know anything re him anymore-- I would in a way just rather not have to be reminded of him in the middle of me trying to do something nice. One day I got one of those notifications was late on a Friday afternoon-- it sucked because I had been feeling ok and out of the blue I get this automated call about HIM and it got me all upset and since it was late Friday I wasn't able to talk to my therapist and had a long weekend dealing with all that emotional upheaval reliving the events all over again..so I'm thinking of asking victim services if they can unenroll me so I don't get announcements about him anymore. I want to not know anything about him or ever hear his name

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Ruby, welcome back to LoveShack after a six-year absence. I'm glad to see you back but am sorry that it is under such awful circumstances. The behaviors you describe are symptoms for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Specifically, the irrational anger, verbal and physical abuse, controlling attitude, easily triggered temper tantrums, lack of impulse control, black-white thinking, always being "The Victim," and rapid flips between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (hating you) -- are classic warning signs for BPD.

 

Importantly, I'm not suggesting your exBF has full-blown BPD. Only a professional can determine whether his symptoms are so severe as to constitute a full-blown disorder. Rather, I'm suggesting he may be a "BPDer" -- i.e., may exhibit strong BPD symptoms regardless of whether they are so severe as to meet the diagnostic threshold.

 

He started showing temper issues and for the first time hit me in the face.... eventually got so bad I had to go to the ER twice.
The repeated physical battering of a partner or spouse is strongly associated with having strong traits of a personality disorder, particularly BPD. This is why "Intense, inappropriate anger" is one of the nine defining traits for BPD. Indeed, 3 of the 9 defining symptoms contain the terms "anger" or "dangerous behaviors."

 

If your exBF is a BPDer (i.e., has strong BPD traits), he carries enormous anger inside from early childhood. You therefore don't have to do a thing to CREATE the anger. Rather, you only have to do or say some minor thing that triggers a release of the anger that is already there. This is why a BPDer can burst into a rage in less than a minute -- oftentimes in only ten seconds. Moreover, BPDers have very weak control over their emotions. Indeed, the key defining characteristic of BPD is the inability to regulate one's own emotions.

 

For these reasons, the physical abuse of a spouse or partner has been found to be strongly associated with BPD. One of the first studies showing that link is a 1993 hospital study of spousal batterers. It found that nearly all of them have a personality disorder and half of them have BPD. See Roger Melton's summary of that study at 50% of Batterers are BPDers. Similarly, a 2008 study and a 2012 study find a strong association between violence and BPD.

 

The effect of all that-- things he said to me that no man would be happy w me, messed me up in the head.
If you really have been dating a BPDer for 3 years, it is not surprising that you feel "messed up in the head." Because BPDers typically are convinced that the absurd allegations coming out of their mouths are absolutely true -- they generally have a greater "crazy-making" effect than can ever be achieved by narcissists or sociopaths.

 

This is why that, of the 157 mental disorders listed in the APA's diagnostic manual, BPD is the one most notorious for making the abused partners feel like they may be losing their minds. And this is largely why therapists typically see far more of those abused partners -- coming in to find out if they are going insane -- than they ever see of the BPDers themselves.

 

Nothing will drive you crazier sooner than being repeatedly abused by a partner whom you know, to a certainty, must really love you. The reason is that you will be mistakenly convinced that, if only you can figure out what YOU are doing wrong, you can restore your partner to that wonderful human being you saw at the very beginning.

 

He also said he loved me more than anyone he was ever with.
If he is a BPDer, he likely did love you -- albeit in the very immature way that a young child is able to love. Because a BPDer typically has the emotional development of a four year old, his feelings can go from one polar extreme to the other in just a few seconds. It will be so quick that it will seem like he has flipped a switch in his mind. BPDers can instantly flip from Jekyll (adoring you) to Hyde (devaluing or hating you). And, five hours or a week later, they can flip back again just as quickly.

 

These rapid flips arise from "black-white thinking." Like a young child, a BPDer is too emotionally immature to be able to handle strong conflicting feelings (e.g., love and hate). A BPDer therefore has great difficulty tolerating ambiguities, uncertainties, and the other gray areas of close interpersonal relationships. His subconscious solves this problem by "splitting off" the strong conflicting feeling, putting it far out of reach of his conscious mind. This way, he only has to deal with one intense feeling at a time.

 

He therefore will categorize everyone close to him as "all good" (i.e., "white" or "with me") or "all bad" (i.e., "black" or "against me"). And he will recategorize someone from one polar extreme to the other -- in just ten seconds -- based solely on a minor comment or action. Because a BPDer's close friends eventually will be "split black," it is unusual for a BPDer to have really close long-term friends (unless they live a long distance away). This B-W thinking also will be evident in the frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions such as "You NEVER..." and "You ALWAYS...."

 

Later he said he was sorry but I shouldn't have pissed him off.
When a BPDer experiences intense feelings, his perceptions of your intentions and motivations are severely distorted. This is largely why BPD symptoms almost always are invisible to the person exhibiting them. Moreover, a BPDer's subconscious mind works 24/7 to protect his fragile ego by projecting all the painful feelings and bad thoughts onto his partner.

 

That pain is much easier to bear when the BPDer believes it is originating from outside his body. Significantly, because this projection occurs entirely at the subconscious level, the BPDer is convinced -- at a conscious level -- that YOU are the source of the pain and misfortunes. The result is that a BPDer almost always is convinced that he is "The Victim."

 

I was living in a state of not knowing for certain when he might go off and what little thing or nothing at all would end with him starting to get mad which quickly turned into threats and abuse.
If he is a BPDer, it is not surprising that you often felt like you were walking on eggshells around him. That's why the best-selling BPD book is titled, Stop Walking on Eggshells.

 

I feel like I'll never be healthy to have a relationship again nor do I want one.
You made a wise decision when choosing to see a trauma therapist on a regular basis. You may also benefit from learning to spot the red flags for BPD. Of course, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your exBF's issues. Although strong BPD symptoms are easy to spot, only a professional can determine whether they are so severe as to constitute full-blown BPD. Yet, like learning warning signs for breast cancer or heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., avoid taking him back and avoid running into the arms of another man just like him.

 

I caution that BPD is not something -- like chickenpox -- that a person either "has" or "doesn't have." Instead, it is a spectrum disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your exBF exhibits BPD traits. Of course he does. We all do.

 

Rather, at issue is whether he exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper third of the BPD spectrum). Not having met him, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are easy to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as physical abuse and temper tantrums.

 

I therefore suggest you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs to see if most sound very familiar. If so, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. And Sal provides a concise and insightful account of what it's like to live with a BPDer for 23 years in his 3/16 post. If those descriptions ring many bells and raise questions, I would be glad to join the other respondents in discussing them with you. Take care, Ruby.

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That's possible he has that.. I would say for sure he does have narcissistic personality disorder, I'm not a therapist but from what I understand npd is the worst one because the main trait is not being able to feel any empathy which can allow a person to do really bad things without feeling bad about it or having any empathy with others feelings..he did very classic npd stuff like triangulating and gas lighting big time, he also had a need for a lot of attention/ adoration from women, his needs were what mattered and was not able to ever hear any criticism or feedback from others, of course I know without a psychiatrist or therapist evaluating him it's an educated guess but the more important part is the abuse- probably a lot of domestic abusers do have npd and/ or bpd or are sociopathic types

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Siamese are some of the sweetest little cats I've met. I've never yet known one to be aloof like some cats can be. They will be happy on their own when they need to be but if you're around they want to be right by your side.

'Wah wah wah' is that Siamese sound though! Made me giggle!

 

My brother got a kitten when I was 3 years old and she was part Siamese.

She was one of the aloof ones but she had the Siamese meow. She had kittens - just once but I was then allowed to choose one to keep as mine.

I picked a real pretty little girl with a white chest and a ginger diamond shape on her chest. She didn't have the meow but she did have the 'right by my side' trait' She would do her own thing but at home, in the house she would need to be near me. My Mum said my little cat even figured out what time I would be home from school and she would go sit on the windowsill on the dot, ten minutes before I was due home and meow and wait for me.

I still think of her often, she was my little sweetheart. :)

 

I think too that changes with your ex like a change of location etc. I wouldn't want or need to know those either. That would just be a reminder - especially bad if you get them late on a Friday - I totally understand.

I think you should ask that they stop letting you know - but absolutely stress that if he gets out or if his situation changes and there is a possibility he will get out early - those are the things I'd want to know.(I have another thought on this right near the end of this post though - please read on before you choose to stop these calls - it's really important).

 

I don't know if you have open prisons where you are but a move to somewhere like that too I would want to know. (these are prisons where they can get weekends away and can work in the community - we have them in the UK and there have been incidents where someone has been moved to one of these facilities and easily escaped by just not returning).

 

Have you moved since this all happened? Are you in the same area (maybe you will have stayed because your family are nearby).

With 4 years or potentially less of his sentence to go it might be worth thinking about re-locating if you have the opportunity and also even just asking what kind of things you would get in the way of support when he gets released.

Forewarned is forearmed and a person like him may well want to get back in touch with you.

 

As for diagnosing someone or looking for traits of someone with a mental disorder - I am not one to diagnose or self diagnose and I know that for me doing something like that will only create empathy in me for their situation.. That for me would be a bad road to take. I just know it.

Right now you still fear him.

I hope you feel angry at this stage too - if not it will come.

Anger and fear are both stressful, need to happen (much like a grieving process) but forgiving without forgetting is one of the last steps.

 

Forgiving his behaviour relieves the anger and takes away a lot of stress. Fear, this is something that will improve over time. you need to give it time and you are by no means far enough down the line to be OK just yet - understandably.

But again, this ^^^ is why I don't like to give my ex a diagnosis of my own as I needed - very much needed to go through the anger stage and the anger stage would have become softened in me if I were to have labelled him as anything - even just a narcissist.

 

I think I will suggest a couple of books to you - then you have the links for them and can refer back here as and when or if ever you decide to give them a go. I do recommend that you do read them at some point.

 

I read a stack of books but two have always shined out as the best ones for me - one because it was blunt, honest, funny even. It's really hard to describe this book but the best way to put it is like having an aunt or a sister who totally understands the guy but is able to support you, through bluntness, knowledge that can feel like mind reading and humour too.

The one unfortunate thing is that 'narc' is a word in the title and used in the book. I chose not to focus on that but to focus on the descriptions of behaviour in the book instead.

I'm getting a tiny glimpse of your personality from yur posts and I think it will suit you as it did me.

https://www.amazon.com/Toads-Women-Them-Alexs-Manual/dp/1475236972/ref=sr_1_fkmr0_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1511682880&sr=8-1-fkmr0&keywords=aunty+alex%27s+army+manual

 

The other book is very different and has sections about different types of men.

Each section is titled with the 'type' and then at the back of each section there is a checklist of traits - a ally simple to read list of traits.

If you get this book go straight to the last chapter and read that checklist, there's 27 traits in that list. my abusive ex scored 21 of the 27. Your ex will score higher - of that I have no doubt.

Then read that chapter first.

The other chapters are where your future comes into play as and when you get to the point of just beginning to think about possibly dating again.

Those checklists are a really simple way to use this as a reference guide and will help you assert your boundaries and know what to look for. I use it to this day (5 years after my experience).

https://www.amazon.com/How-Spot-Dangerous-Before-Involved/dp/0897934474/ref=sr_1_fkmr1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1511683845&sr=1-1-fkmr1&keywords=how+to+avoid+a+dangerous+man+before+getting+involved

 

One more thing on books - if you click on my user name, then 'view profile' then click on the 'statistics' tab and in the top section there you will see a red link saying 'all posts started by Gemma UK' there is one titled Book Suggestions in which I did reviews of many of the books I read - you might want to take a look to see if you find any others which you feel might help - some were good for me, some not so good but there are plenty of different reviews on Amazon so you can take a look to see what others think of the ones I read.

 

It can be difficult to know what signs to look for and also to remember that it takes more than one sign - it's a multiple of little signs that make an abuser of any type - too many to remember for different types though some are pretty standard!

 

I have no doubt this ex of yours swept you off your feet in the beginning - felt like a breath of fresh air. He was love bombing you at that point.

If you think back I suspect you hadn't 'earned' that type of attention - of this you should be curious at least.

A normal guy, a good man, will not be perfect right from the start. He will just be human. Self proclaimed 'nice guys' tend to be the ones to keep an eye on in my experience.

There is one trait that is very common though and pretty easy to spot just from talking and it's a lack of responsibility for all the bad stuff that has happened in their lives.

I have bolded the above as it's really important to watch out for and can be spotted so very early on too.

Things like - all or most of their exes are psychos/bitches/insert nasty label here or were to blame completely for previous break ups. (and yes, I will never ever shush a man from openly talking about exes when on a first meet or first date or before even meeting them - I want to hear their attitude towards their exes)

Also, their boss is to blame for xyz, or multiple bosses are to blame.

Parents and friends will also be to blame for things.

He is never to blame, nothing was ever his fault.

 

While we are talking responsibility....

Another one of the steps you will take is to realise you had some responsibility, perhaps you were at a low point when you met the guy, perhaps sick of dating, perhaps you were 'too ready' to date so let him in too soon and too freely and before he had earned things like trust, love etc.

It's important to recognise your own element of responsibility as if you meet someone at a low point you are much more likely in future to be honest with yourself, take the past for what it is and not let this happen again.

 

This can however, happen to anyone, male or female. Quite often those you would least expect - someone kind, considerate, self confident, strong.

Just as equally they can happen to someone vulnerable.

From your actions since this I can see you are the first type - as am I.

Don't beat yourself up over your element of responsibility in getting too involved too soon with this guy but accepting your actual part of the responsibility is healthy, will actually increase your confidence and will make you think faster and more logically next time you do meet someone.

 

Something else to take away is that you are by no means worthless - I am not getting this to any great degree from your posts but you did say that none of the action taken against your ex was down to you and also it is a thought that can come to mind - and often.

You need to turn this thought on it's head.

That woman, a total stranger thought you were worth it to speak up.

Her life changed when she did speak up, she could have taken the dead easy route and done nothing. She didn't.

You too could have taken the easier route by not telling the authorities what happened - I don't believe you did - he is in prison. He wouldn't be if you had taken the easy route. You might think you didn't have a choice to open up about how he was with the authorities - but you did - and that is being strong.

The authorities took notice and acted - they didn't think you were worthless either. Sadly in some cases, too many cases they don't follow through.

Even down to these phone calls you get to report a change in his circumstances - they have not dropped the ball on you - they think you are worth it to keep letting you know. If you ask them not to continue with these calls there is a chance that you might also not find out the info you really will want to know - his release date, a parole hearing. Seriously think about that because this is crucial information for you. If you are able to change your attitude about these intermittent calls and see them as continuing support rather than a stark reminder you might find strength in them simply due to the fact the authorities are not dropping the ball on you - if you see what I mean?

A change in attitude promotes a change in behaviour. If you can open up to these calls, change your attitude about them and realise that all of these people behind the scenes see you as important enough to let you know everything and keep you informed then your current feeling of feeling fear all over again could be eliminated completely. Have a really good think about it before you decide what to do.

 

Just on a side note I am wondering whether your thread here would be better moved to the abuse section. No offense to you at all OP but I think you might get more responses in there. The mods could move it for you if you ask them, I would be happy to ask them for you if you like - totally your choice though. :)

 

Sorry for this long long long long post but you're worth it enough for me to spend a couple of hours if I can be of any help at all - so suck it up sweetheart! :) xx

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I would say for sure he does have narcissistic personality disorder.... of course I know without a psychiatrist or therapist evaluating him it's an educated guess.
For the purpose of choosing a compatible mate, it is important to be able to spot strong warning signs of NPD and BPD. It does not really matter, however, whether your exBF has the full-blown disorder (i.e., meets 100% of the diagnostic criteria for "having BPD" or "having NPD"). That criteria is set at such a high threshold that it primarily serves only the interests of the courts (who don't want to institutionalize people) and insurance companies (who don't want to pay for treatment).

 

Some people confuse "spotting symptoms" with "making a diagnosis" even though there is a world of difference between the two. They don't realize that the psychiatric community wants them to learn how to spot these behavioral symptoms -- i.e., the warning signs associated with each disorder. This is why hundreds of mental health institutions describe these behavioral symptoms to laymen on their public websites. Hence, you need not fear that your discussion BPD/NPD traits implies that you're trying to diagnose your exBF.

 

Of course, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your exBF's issues. Although strong NPD/BPD symptoms are easy to spot, only a professional can determine whether they are so severe as to constitute a full-blown disorder. Yet, like learning warning signs for a stroke or heart attack, learning those for BPD and NPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., avoid taking your exBF back and avoid running into the arms of another man just like him.

 

Moreover, by learning to spot NPD and BPD warning signs, we learn far more than how to avoid marrying the wrong person. We also learn how to better understand our own dysfunctional behaviors at various points in our lives. At different life stages, we all exhibit behavior that sometimes is on the upper third of the BPD spectrum.

 

During early childhood, for example, we all behave like BPDers 24/7. And when the hormones surge during the early teens, many of us start behaving like BPDers all over again. Indeed, any hormone change can cause intense feelings, resulting in the same thought distortions. This is why, at various points in our lives (e.g., puberty, pregnancy, postpartum, perimenopause, menopause, menstruation, and times of great stress), we all can start temporarily behaving like BPDers again and again.

 

Unfortunately, many folks are unaware of the power of this BPD information to cast a bright light on our own occasional behaviors. They mistakenly think that BPD traits are only useful for diagnosing whether a person has full-blown lifetime BPD.

 

Probably a lot of domestic abusers do have npd and/ or bpd or are sociopathic types.
Yes, that is what academic studies have found. Moreover, a recent large-scale study found that the vast majority of people having one PD also suffer from one or two other PDs as well. Of the men having full-blown BPD, 47% were found to also have full-blown NPD.
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Downtown...

 

for sure you make some good points just to be aware of red flags.. from what I understand of npd, it is the worst one because the primary trait is an inability to empathize with others feelings and that is what makes them able to be so cruel or abusive. For me I don't feel it helpful for me to focus on a possible disorder because as Gemma said it can (and for me will) tend to draw away responsibility from him for his actions if I look at it as he had some disorder. And since I am an empath that already sometimes is a huge weakness of mine, feeling sorry for people -- heck come to think of it, I just kind of put the two together that me feeling sorry for him before the holidays in 2014 is what eventually nearly got me killed---

 

Feeling bad for him before the upcoming holidays prevented me from doing what I felt was wise- to break it off due to his emerging more serious temper issues that had surfaced in the month prior-- it had gone from him sometimes yelling to him screaming, swearing and breaking things. I had already started to really distance myself from him early December thatbyear and was getting ready to go ahead and break it off and then-- my empathy for not wanting to hurt him right before the holidays stopped me and I told myself I would be with him for the holidays and then in early or mid January wane off and break it off.

Literally my empathy almost got me killed-- because that critical point where I decided to hold off on breaking up w him because I didn't want to hurt his feelings right before Christmas did not play out that way-- I was going to just delay breaking up with him until January after the holidays but in that time he was so loving and gentle that I had a change of heart and decided in myself to stay w him ( to be clear I never told him that I was thinking to break it off w him)....

 

I felt bad and delayed breaking it off w him until after Christmas but then during those few weeks everything went so good I changed my mind and decided I wanted to stay with him after all. Then a little ways down the road his temper began to show again and by then I was deep in

 

I need to not let my empathy get me near killed

Edited by rubyjuly
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Gemma

Thank you soooo much! Very kind and helpful... as I posted above I know one thing is I made the mistake of letting my compassion steer me off course from breaking it off before the holidays that year.. I didn't want to hurt him with Christmas and New Years approaching around the corner and decided I would just delay breaking it off until after the new year. That was a critical point..because then, things went so so good over the holidays, and since I had not told him I was thinking of breaking it off, his "good" behavior was not because he was trying to hold onto me... but it was just happened to go so good over those weeks between early December and all the holidays that by that time I had decided to stay with him.

But then.... his temper re-emerged and I was already so bonded and so deep in.. and I think the effects of subtle mental abuse had made me have lower self esteem.

 

I will check out your book referrals, thanks again

 

That's so sweet aboutbyour cat you had.. yes it seems like my cat does like to be involved with sometimes what I'm doing, and will come round to check on me or sit with me a lot more than my cat I had before who was a tabby.

 

She is really sweet and also has a lot of personality and intelligence... she seems to sense when I start having a flashback or intense grief etc, she will look at me holding her gaze making eye contact that is more fixed than usual like she's trying to tell me "it's ok.. your ok"

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For me I don't feel it helpful for me to focus on a possible disorder because as Gemma said it can (and for me will) tend to draw away responsibility from him for his actions if I look at it as he had some disorder.
Ruby, I agree it is important to hold your exBF fully accountable for his bad choices and bad behavior. This means he must be allowed to suffer the logical consequences his own actions and bad decisions. The purpose of learning warning signs is to help you understand the behavior -- not EXCUSE it. Even if your exBF were to have a full-blown disorder, it would not give him a free pass to abuse you or other people.
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After all this happened I started to therapy with someone who mainly treats trauma patients many of whom were assaulted or raped and many of those are from domestic violence. I learned some about abusers don't abuse due to drinking, drugs, a mental disorder or a bad childhood but because they wanna have power and control over you, and there's a domestic violence wheel anyone can look up, shows behavior warning signs and the way it all works. Good for any woman especially young daughter niece etc to be taught about

I'm not sure if having a disorder could exacerbate an already entitled need to control and possess their partner and be abusing but it probably doesn't help I'm not sure. I was just told that it comes from a desire to control their partner and that it's a choice they make, true because he didn't go around beating up other people he felt frustrated or annoyed at-- he kept himself in check but with me he felt he had a right to, he completely 100% felt entitled to do or say what he wanted to me

I don't know about idea of forgiveness yet-- maybe I leave it between him and his reflection in the mirror, or him and God but I think for him to ask for it would most likely be him just wanting to feel he's off the hook for what he did and can feel less guilty and move on or whatever-- rather than a true broken realization of what he did

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I'm not sure if having a disorder could exacerbate an already entitled need to control and possess their partner and be abusing but it probably doesn't help I'm not sure.
The American and European diagnostic manuals describe only the behavioral symptoms that are assumed to be caused by an underlying disorder. Significantly, they say nothing about the characteristics of the disorder itself. This is because scientists have not yet proven what causes any of the 157 "disorders." The result is that nobody yet knows whether the 157 disorders (which are really only groups of symptoms) are actually caused by only 5 disorders or, rather, by 5,000 disorders.

 

When you are seeing strong symptoms of BPD or NPD behavior, you are seeing a well-known pattern of human behavior called "BPD" or "NPD." You cannot separate this pattern of behavior from the disorder itself because nobody on the planet knows what the underlying cause is. This is why, when psychologists speak of a BPD or NPD "disorder," they are only referring to the pattern of behavior, i.e., to the behavioral symptoms.

 

Hence, when you say "having a disorder could exacerbate an already entitled need to control," you are mistakenly implying that the need to control and other symptoms can be separated from -- or exacerbated by -- the disorders listed in the diagnostic manual. They are not separate. Those symptoms and the "disorders" listed there are one and the same thing. They will be different only when scientists learn how to identify the actual disorders that cause those behavioral patterns to occur.

 

He kept himself in check but with me he felt he had a right to, he completely 100% felt entitled to do or say what he wanted to me.

Yes, that seems likely if he exhibits strong NPD traits, as you suspect. If he were to exhibit strong BPD traits, however, that would be unlikely. Most BPDers are abusive to their loved ones (and anyone else who tries to draw close in a long-term friendship) because a person will start triggering their two fears (abandonment and engulfment) only after drawing close. This is why most BPDers can be kind and considerate all day long to casual friends and strangers but will go home at night to abuse the very people who love them.

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I agree with you Ruby. Empathy kept me with my abusive guy too - just the same as with you, at Christmas. Empathy got me raped on Boxing Day.

 

I did have a bit of a look at disorders during my own recovery but I'm not a medic, not a scientist, I'm an accountant, and honestly reading about the disorders he could have in different levels wasn't beneficial to me at all and wasn't what I needed.

For one thing, none of the descriptions or checklists for disorders ever really fitted my ex's particular behaviours.

This is why I chose to read about abuse - abuse I what I had been through and what I needed to recover from.

There was too much going on in my mind - flashbacks - just like you have, nightmares, plus going back to living a normal life. I also had a major flood in my house shortly after ending it due to old pipework so I just didn't have head space for thinking did he have a disorder.

 

When I read that second book - How to Spot a Dangerous Man - that Is when things started to fall into place for me.

I have suggested for you that you go straight to the final chapter of that book if you decide to go for it. I started at chapter one, read it, saw my ex in there, read the checklist at the end and my ex scored 100% of that checklist.

I thought he would only be in that chapter before I bought the book but that wasn't the case at all.

The lists in there are all encompassing for abuse, whether or not you think your abuser might have a disorder.

For me personally, I didn't care and didn't need to know if he had a disorder, I needed to know I wasn't alone in what I had been through so that I knew I hadn't lost the plot, I needed reassurance, I needed tips and tricks to deal with the thoughts going on in my mind, I also knew I needed ways to spot people who may be or become abusive in future.

 

How to Spot a Dangerous Man gave me 'some reassurance but it most definitely gave me the tools to spot someone like this in future.

Aunty Alex's Army Manual gave me the level of reassurance I really needed though - it was just a human book, down to earth. Reassurance in turn boosted my confidence.

I didn't have therapy, I would have had to wait at least 18 months, probably much longer to get therapy and it wouldn't have been anything specialised either. This is why I went for books to help - and they have helped me hugely.

I'm by no means attempting to push you to get them at all - but they could be good as a side line later down the line or as an accompaniment to your therapy.

You have found a therapist who deals precisely with what you are dealing with right now - it sounds like you get on well which is fantastic. Definitely stick with it.

 

Your little girl will sense when you're upset, animals do and in the timing that you got her you absolutely deserve some unconditional love so that bond you have now is going to grow - big time!

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It seems like my cat she is truly a gem I found in the animal pound -- she really in some unexpected way and as gently as a whisper teaching me that I deserve to be loved, that I'm not the horrible names he called me... she is very gentle and has always had a tendency to if anyone including me go to reach for her to pick her up or pet her she tends to step back and prefers to come to me and then snuggles . So I tell her when she doesn't want to be picked up or petted "that's ok, you can feel how you feel , " and I respect in her little kitten mind she has her own personality and prefers to approach me when she wants to be petted... it's like a very tender lesson on how if her cat needs should be respected then mine count too--- it might sound like a trivial thing but since my ex treated me like an object that my needs or desires were secondary that I was more of his thing to order around and he would tell me to shut up whenever he didn't want me to express myself, or wear my hair a way or be myself--- let me tell you that this 7 lb cat is expertly naturally showing me day by day that my needs matter as do hers. I tell her " ok darling, you can do what you want to do" when she wants to explore rather than cuddle and she extends this living lesson in the basic understanding of we respect others needs and mine included.

 

I wish my ex would've had that respect and understanding towards me when I was wanting to tell him about something I read or an idea I had or some feeling, wish he could've been as honoring of me as an individual person that I have my own needs or voice, rather than controlling me and shutting me down to fit in what he wanted at any given time and if I didn't shut down and do exactly as he wanted he would use force to make me-- and to tell the truth in the last half of the abuse period I had become a shell of who I was-- my own personality and likes/ dislikes, needs, opinions, even my voice became all shut down in a survival mode of needing to shut my whole self down to accommodate his demands and he still would beat me up anyways. That's maybe the saddest part that I wasn't me anymore, I was a shell of who I was and had become basically like a thing to him - how sad like a punching bag and what I might sometimes want or like to do or talk about were all shut down---

So having to gradually re-learn that I'm not a thing, I'm a real individual human it's very hard to believe that, to believe I'm ok how I am- and maybe even have aspects of myself that are really positive, maybe I'm a pretty good person worthy of respect and love, these are like things very hard for me to believe because for so long I lived in a world where I was more of a thing. So my cat demonstrates the idea that just like I recognize she has her own individuality - likes and dislikes, personality traits, needs and wants hat I respect and even sometimes are very endearing, that maybe I also do. It's like going back to kindergarten to learn this basic truth.

I can see even my cat does and I totally appreciate how she is with her own preferences, likes and dislikes, needs etc

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She's a sweetheart!

 

She is teaching you more than that.

 

She is teaching you that everyone has boundaries - and has every right to have them.

She is teaching you trust needs to be earned over time.

This is going to sound dumb but it is very easy for a human to try to love bomb a kitten - shower it, want constant cuddles. She is telling you that no, back off a bit, let me come to you and I will fall for you in my own time.

She is teaching you that we all need space sometimes and that t's healthy.

And, if she could speak can you imagine how she would feel if you asked her her every movement whilst you were out or at work?

 

I've heard people say that they learn an awful lot about humans from working and being with animals - and it's so true.

 

You sound like you're in a far better place actually than I would imagine at this point so what you're doing is definitely helping and is all positive.

 

I fully believe you can move on from this - you're a survivor, not a victim - even the adoption of the use of the word 'survivor' makes a big difference from 'victim'.

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Oh no, here it is again-- overwhelming despair and feeling hopeless, feeling such low self worth and like there will just be ongoing pain and constant painful memories... have to always carry headphones (earbuds) with me when I go into any store because sometimes certain songs, the lyrics, can trigger me, and so after getting hugely triggered a few months ago in a cafe I was trying to enjoy a bowl of soup and this song the words were very triggering and my ptsd kicked in, had to grab my keys and leave right away without even getting a to go container for the food I bought-- went to my car so fast broke down crying and trembling, totally overwhelmed... what a way to live... took a anxiety med...after that I thought of idea that damm I need a survival kit sort of to take with me everywhere-- it's not a kit really it's just a few survival items-- always my anxiety meds, an ice bag to hold on my forehead to ground me and bring me back to the present if I have a flashback and start panicking-- and earbuds to wear in stores or restaurants so I can block out any songs that trigger me.

 

I was talking to someone yesterday, I told her I don't know if I can really make it through all this-- it's like a literal mountain of pain and obstacles to overcome... my cats great and does help-- yet with holidays approaching I'm reminded of a time of year that should be happy, when most people want more than ever to feel deeply loved and connected to someone-- damm it's just so much and frankly I am more aware sadly it may be TOO much for me to get through. I'm only human, and the pain imprinted on my mind and heart and soul it's crushing, horribly sad... when I think of how painful it is when any normal or healthy relationship ends, let's be real--- many people have a damm hard time going through a "regular" breakup where there wasn't even any abuse. So how does God expect me to get through this massive mess of pain? Yesterday afternoon just brought me down more--- it's exhausting because some days are sort of ok but then a day like yesterday and I'm feeling like ok here I am back at the bottom again, now I have to start trying to climb up again but I'm getting friggin tired of all the weariness and the amount of energy it takes just to make it through a day and be ok is just I dunno maybe too hard to do over the long run.

 

I'm not sure what if anything can really help pull me through-- once a week therapy even though she's excellent and does in that moment help me feel better but it's once a week and what I feel I need is an intensive type of wrap around program , I don't know almost like a residential or inpatient program for dv victims for at least 30 days where you have therapy, groups, things that calm ptsd like art or yoga or dog therapy etc daily, ----

 

It might sound extreme but damm what I went through is extreme-- and maybe calls for extreme measures because once a week therapy appointment even tho she's excellent is still, only about an hour a week- what about the other days, the weekend, and now the holidays-- she won't be available to meet with me if I get in a bad place over the weekend of Christmas or New Years

 

Anyways just being real-- I don't know how I'll pull through all this -- once a week therapy is like a bandaid on a gaping wound or like giving orange juice for a heart attack.

 

I don't know what it will take , what that could be to really give me a foot hold into recovery so I don't slip and lose my way

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Just a few quick questions.

Are you currently prescribed anti-anxiety meds at a daily dosage (if so what and at what dosage?).

Or, are they for as and when you feel you need them with a recommended maximum for the day?

 

I hope by the time you see this you're feeling a bit better as I see you posted a while ago - how are you doing now Ruby?

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