Ex is upset that I'm avoidin her and confronted me about it. Not sure how to respond?

[backbounce22]

My ex and I broke up about 2 months ago. She 26 and I 24, were together for 2 years, had a strong and stable relationship but was cut short due to the fact that she has never been single for more than a month since her teens (in fact she broke up with her ex to be with me!). She admitted she could not responsibly stay in the relationship feeling like she had never known what its like to be alone. Her heart was clearly not completely in it, so we broke up.

 

It's been a tough couple of months. I've been looking after myself but feeling pretty upset obviously. I'm quite comfortable on my own, but this girl really enhanced my life. I have been NC for 1.5 months and saw her for the first time at separate events twice this week.

She cornered me at both events, looking longingly into my eyes at points, tried to dance with me, sit next to me, touch me. I evaded every attempt at conversation because I'm not ready to catch up for be friends with her.

 

She messaged me at 3am after the event saying 'Hey... ', then again the next morning asking why I was avoiding her.

 

She was very sad and nervous at these events, constantly seeking assurance for her friends, threatening to leave but continuing to hang around. Mutual friends have told me that they think she hasn't realized how real the break up is until now. She partied and hung out with old friends for a month and has only just started to process her feelings.

 

I'm not sure how to respond to her. I don't really think I'm avoiding her, but I think the fact I don't want to talk or interact would be fairly obvious - I'm still hurt! Surely she knows this. I am wondering if she just misses me and wants to be friends, or if seeing me out dancing and having fun has brought back a whole lot of feelings and regret about what she's done.

 

Could she be regretting it? Should I talk to her? Respond to her cry for answers? I guess I would like to be together again, but I do not want to 'catch up' and be friends with her... I know I should continue NC until I get a clear cry for reconciliation, but I'm also wondering if I should take this opportunity fix things. I'm happy if things go either way, but it would be great if she's changed her outlook.....

 

Thanks!

[Yamaha]

Stay the course.

Make her chase you if she wants to make up.

Don't be friends until you feel your ready to see her as just a friend.

Get on with your life and if she wants to get back with you she will let you know.

Don't put your life on hold for her!

[Highndry]

I think you need to be clear with her, something along the lines of:

 

"I do not wish to be friends with you. If you realize you made a mistake and want me back, we can talk about that. Otherwise, please do not contact me anymore."

 

That leaves nothing to the imagination.

 

I don't hold people like her in high regard, who take relationships for granted and end them because they want to see if the grass is greener.

[Been]

She wants her cake and eat it too.

People are funny. She hurts you and wonders why you don't want to be around her.

Its common sense for someone who is hurt by someone to avoid contact with that person for however how long it takes that person to heal.

For her not to realize that is just plain stupid.

[backbounce22]

"I do not wish to be friends with you. If you realize you made a mistake and want me back, we can talk about that. Otherwise, please do not contact me anymore."

 

 

I messaged her something along these lines. Her response was that seeing me brought a lot of things up that she wasn't expecting, but she might still need space.

 

But I am giving her space? I asked her not to talk to me and avoided her all night? How much more space is there to give? I feel like I'm baited into making contact and then pushed away again... she seems quite confused/conflicted.

 

Not sure where to go from here.

Edited November 23, 2017 by backbounce22

[HumanMachine]

If she genuinely regretted it she’d be blowing up your phone/doing everything possible to show how she feels.

 

Not “hey “

[Highndry]

I messaged her something along these lines. Her response was that seeing me brought a lot of things up that she wasn't expecting, but she might still need space.

 

But I am giving her space? I asked her not to talk to me and avoided her all night? How much more space is there to give? I feel like I'm baited into making contact and then pushed away again... she seems quite confused/conflicted.

 

Not sure where to go from here.

 

That's extremely weak. Time to go strict no contact.

[backbounce22]

That's extremely weak. Time to go strict no contact.

 

That's what I think. Why even reach out at all? If she needs space, why is she upset that I avoided her?

 

'I might still need space' seems like code-word for 'I might still need to be single'. But the type of space I'm providing her with is straight no contact and she doesn't like it... Her friends just told me she is feeling regret, but she hasn't said it to me.

 

If she did want to reconcile, I think her ego would be so fearful of rejection that she wouldn't dare mention it unless she knew I wanted her back too. I guess that's why I'm hesitant to go back to strict NC..... I guess the only way to know is stay quiet and see if she blows up my phone in the coming weeks.

[HumanMachine]

Why don’t you block her?

[PegNosePete]

'I might still need space' seems like code-word for 'I might still need to be single'.

No, it is code for "I want to be single so I can check out other options and date other guys. But if, after trying others, I don't find anyone better then I want you to be there, waiting like a little puppy dog, for me to bat my eyelids and take me back without me having to do any work whatsoever".

 

Don't be that puppy dog.

 

If she did want to reconcile, I think her ego would be so fearful of rejection that she wouldn't dare mention it unless she knew I wanted her back too.

Rubbish. If she wanted to reconcile then she wouldn't give a damn about her ego, she would be on her knees begging for you to take her back. If she places her ego above her feelings for you, then she obviously doesn't love you properly!

 

Sorry to say I agree with the others. This is over. You have drawn the line in the sand, you have told her you don't want to be friends, and that if she doesn't want you back then you will not be contacting her again. And she has made her choice. Now you need to block her, and begin the process of moving on.

[d0nnivain]

If you genuinely think she's that bloody dim that she can't figure out why you -- her EX -- are avoiding her, tell her.

 

Don't "hey" me. We broke up. You hurt me. Seeing you, talking to you, thinking about you upsets me. If you ever cared one whit about me, leave me alone while I heel. Some day -- soon I hope -- I will become indifferent to you but until then, go away.

 

People who act like her are selfish. They don't understand that they can't ease their guilty conscious by offering you crumbs.

[stillafool]

I messaged her something along these lines. Her response was that seeing me brought a lot of things up that she wasn't expecting, but she might still need space.

 

But I am giving her space? I asked her not to talk to me and avoided her all night? How much more space is there to give? I feel like I'm baited into making contact and then pushed away again... she seems quite confused/conflicted.

 

Not sure where to go from here.

 

She wants to date other guys and still keep you as a friend and possible sex partner. The fact that she "might still need space" = "I'm trying to see how I feel about these other guys who are pursuing me." Like someone else said block her and make her chase you if she wants you. She isn't confused/conflicted she's selfish.

[Vivir]

I messaged her something along these lines. Her response was that seeing me brought a lot of things up that she wasn't expecting, but she might still need space.

 

Wow! She needs to sort herself out on her time, not on yours. Those words needed to go in her journal; they should not have been directed at you at all. When you two broke up, your obligation to her ended. Now, you are obligated to yourself.

 

If you genuinely think she's that bloody dim that she can't figure out why you -- her EX -- are avoiding her, tell her.

 

Don't "hey" me. We broke up. You hurt me. Seeing you, talking to you, thinking about you upsets me. If you ever cared one whit about me, leave me alone while I heel. Some day -- soon I hope -- I will become indifferent to you but until then, go away.

 

People who act like her are selfish. They don't understand that they can't ease their guilty conscious by offering you crumbs.

 

d0nnivain, THANK YOU so much! It would've taken me several paragraphs to convey what you did in just a few sentences. GREAT advice and inspiring wisdom for all of us.

[d0nnivain]

d0nnivain, THANK YOU so much! It would've taken me several paragraphs to convey what you did in just a few sentences. GREAT advice and inspiring wisdom for all of us.

 

You're welcome but I wrote that without comprehending your other post about her spewing BS about needing space. I'd add something in there about

 

You need space -- take it. Leave me alone. If you want to get back together we can talk about what went wrong but if you don't want to be all in please just stay away.

[backbounce22]

My ex and I broke up 3 months ago. After being together for 2 years, She just turned 25 and had a moment of panic when she realised she's never known what it's like to be single in her 20s. We broke up and I went strict NC for 2 months.

 

I saw her twice at events this week and she has been messaging me constantly ever since. Very long messages saying she misses me, that she regrets moving so quickly, that she's extremely upset by what's happened. Every day I get long messages like this but I do not reply. I'm confused because her internet persona made it look like ses enjoying her single life, but this week she seems to have done a complete 180. I'm curious, but suspiciousi that it's just breadcrumbs.

 

I pretty much avoided her at these events but I was feeling confident and good about myself. Could seeing me have given her a taste of life without me? Is she finally realising she made a mistake? Should I even reply to these messages or wait until I get a clear cry for reconciliation?

 

I do love her, but if she's just feeling upset and guilty, I don't want her to talk to me. At the same time, I don't want to miss an opportunity to work this out.

 

Thoughts? Thanks!

[Marc878]

She needs to grow up. You need to stay no contact.

 

You're way to young to waste any time on a fickle girl who doesn't know who or what she wants. That doesn't change in two months.

 

Now if you like drama and merry go rounds by all means go for it.

[Beachead]

My ex and I broke up 3 months ago. After being together for 2 years, She just turned 25 and had a moment of panic when she realised she's never known what it's like to be single in her 20s. We broke up and I went strict NC for 2 months.

 

I saw her twice at events this week and she has been messaging me constantly ever since. Very long messages saying she misses me, that she regrets moving so quickly, that she's extremely upset by what's happened. Every day I get long messages like this but I do not reply. I'm confused because her internet persona made it look like ses enjoying her single life, but this week she seems to have done a complete 180. I'm curious, but suspiciousi that it's just breadcrumbs.

 

I pretty much avoided her at these events but I was feeling confident and good about myself. Could seeing me have given her a taste of life without me? Is she finally realising she made a mistake? Should I even reply to these messages or wait until I get a clear cry for reconciliation?

 

I do love her, but if she's just feeling upset and guilty, I don't want her to talk to me. At the same time, I don't want to miss an opportunity to work this out.

 

Thoughts? Thanks!

 

I think a lot of people struggle with this dilemma including myself. Unfortunately I don't have a clear cut answer for you.

 

It depends. If you are fine never speaking to her again, then no need to respond.

 

But if you are curious then know that it can go either way. Relationships are always about risks.

 

It could breadcrumbs or it could be genuine. Personally, I don't think it's genuine being that she left you to see what was out there. Not cool.

 

But, should you choose to respond, I would tell her exactly what you told us. Cut straight to the point:

 

You love her but if this is just her being upset and feeling guilty, she will have to deal with it on her own as you are also trying heal and she is making hard. But if she is interested in trying again, then something is possible. See what she says then and if she is interested, proceed from there slowly.

 

No games, no fluff, no bs. Straight to the point.

 

That's what I would probably do.

Edited November 25, 2017 by Beachead

[basil67]

If you want to have another try, then play hardball with her.

 

Respond to her messages with: Why are you messaging me? If she says she wants to get back together, press her on why you should trust that she won't do this to you again. Thing is, the odds of breaking up if you give it another try are really strong. If she wants you back she needs to WORK for it and prove herself.

 

However, if she just says something about wanting you to know that she's hurting too, then tell you you are moving on and will block her.

[backbounce22]

My ex an I broke up 3 months ago. She has been in two long term relationships since she was 18, and never been single. We were together for almost two years, but on her 26th birthday she had a bit of a crisis, afraid that she has never known what its like to be alone and would spend her entire 20s in a relationship. It didn't feel right to stay in together when she felt like that, so we broke up.

 

I have kept NC for 2 months, but saw her for the first time twice at events this week. She was shaken by my presence and very emotional, trying to corner me, dance with me, talk to me lovingly/nostalgically, and sending me messages for days following about how much she misses me and regrets what happened. I did not reply to anything and she grew increasingly desperate and dramatic, which made me feel very emotional.

 

I miss her a lot and love her, but it felt like she was trying to see if I was still hurting and wanted attention. I felt upset by these messages, and started entertaining the idea of giving it another shot, but I didn't reply for a few days because I felt like I needed to approach with caution. In response to her emotional outpouring, last night I told her that 'I think we need to talk', but noticed this morning she has unfollowed me on instagram today. She has not replied to my message. Now I'm very confused.

 

Perhaps the high from being newly-single is running out and she now knows how real it is? Is she regretting what happened but still wants to be single? I am getting so many mixed signals. I really want to talk about what's going on with her, but now I'm afraid I left it too long and I will never hear from her again. Could she just be hurting more than I thought she was? Were all those messages breadcrumbs or does she want to try again? We had a great relationship and I can see myself being with her for a long time if she has changed her outlook. I'm worried I will be wondering what could have been if I stay NC.... but at this point I feel okay about it going either way.... How should I move forward?

[Frostedflake]

If you have to bank it all on the other person changing: Don't do it.

If you're stating her emotions first (ie. Your title): Don't do it.

If you can walk away in the moment after she approached you repetitively: Don't do it.

 

It seems like you are legs ahead in healing and that you're ready to throw it all away on the slim chance she changed.

[266696687]

“We need to talk” usually implies a negative conversation is on its way. If you ignored all her previous messages and then replied with simply “I think we need to talk” then she may have been expecting you to want to talk to her about something negative. I’m simply guessing here but she probably thought (I know I would) that you want to tell her how her contacting you is not good and to stop. In order to avoid the conversation she blocked you.

 

Replying with such a negative thought inducing statement it probably scared her off. It would have been better to have replied directly something more like “Do you want to discuss getting back together or are you simply interested in friendship?” You can even elaborate and say if it is the latter then I don’t feel ready for that right now.

 

If she is really interested in getting back together she will reach out again. Next time though be direct there’s no point beating around the bush. At least if you’d have been direct you would have found out what her intentions were rather than wasting time now trying to figure out what she may have wanted.

[basil67]

I agree that "we need to talk" has negative connotations and she's not wanting to hear it. That said, I am also firm in the belief that a dumper really has to earn a second chance if they want it.

[Chi townD]

Okay, then be completely honest with her. Text her that you have been avoiding her and will continue to avoid her. Tell her that you are not friends but you don't hate her. You need to end contact because you still have feelings for her and to communicate wouldn't be fair to either you or her. So, for the time being, you need to stop all contact with her until all romantic feelings for her go away.

 

Hard and sharp truth, but then she'll understand why you will not answer when she texts and maybe she'll buy a clue.

[HumanMachine]

She’s playing games OP, she’s having fun with you. She’s not interested in giving it another go, she wants you to want her.. when you finally ‘give in’, where is she to be seen? If her messages were genuine then she’d jump at the chance of ‘talking’ regardless of if it were negative/positive. I’d block her completely. All the best.

[Blanco]

The cynical part of me thinks that she feels uncomfortable in such an unfamiliar situation (being single) and is looking for some sense of familiarity. (you)

 

The more optimistic part of me thinks that she's had time to see what life without you is like. And she doesn't like it. You mentioned having a stable, quality relationship for two years before she ended it. If that's how she saw it, then there's a chance she's now feeling the true effect of letting go of such a relationship.

 

In the end, I lean toward my first sentence. People don't end good relationships that they're happy with unless they've got some deep issues. Single life for her is unfamiliar and uncomfortable. At the risk of sounding like a jerk, I really doubt she'd be messaging you like this if someone of interest had come through her life since she ended things. Right now, she might feel like the tide is washing over her and she just needs to grab on to something/someone to keep her afloat.