Detaching from emotional abuse - journaling

[donotmicrowave]

Been a while.

 

I can't even look at my older threads. I remember them, but I'm too embarrassed to reread.

 

Here's a quick summary:

 

It's been over 4 and a half years with him, on and off, long distance. And I have just realized how emotionally abusive he is. He is about to hit 21 (while I am 19), his dad died when he was just 7 years old, so he grew up with a very controlling and manipulative mother, + a borderline crazy sister (the cherry on top). Last months he has been struggling financially - he currently has no job, no real opportunities that would make him happy, his football career (he played pro) has failed 90%, he doesn't even have real friends anymore.

 

I was only 14 when I met him. Meeting him prevented my second, perfectly planned suicide attempt. I have struggled with depression for 8 years now, was recently diagnosed with PTSD.

 

We are both somewhat struggling, as you might see.

 

It's just that I have started to pick myself up. I've been traveling, meeting new people, art, I'm changing. I know I am. I don't have a supportive family, but I have a few amazing friends that really do love me.

 

He's just spinning. Whenever he starts struggling, he goes back to hurting me. He ignores me, he dumps me, strings me along, he "doesn't know", he lies, bails, so on. He knows he's hurting me, and he likes it. I don't know what kind of sick power he gets from it. He promises me the world to then later absolutely destroy me.

 

We were "somewhat together" a little while ago. We haven't seen each other for almost a year, and were planning to meet up. Then suddenly, the empty excuses start. "He feels bad as I'm running away from my family" (I intended to move out as my mother is literally bullying me), "It's complicated for him" (I had been earning money to get myself plane tickets and book the hotel, he just had to show up) and so on. I gave up on it, he continued to string me along, giving me pointless hope about the meetup. Fast forward a little bit, NC for 8 days, contacted him, it's over. He "wants to stay friends", at least "follow my life on social media, as he cares".

 

I don't have the energy to put up with his crap anymore, though I am willing to stay friends. I gave him very specific points that need to be met (communication, honesty and respect) in order for him to get a chance. "I understand then" is his magnificent response. Nothing for over a day, and I just told him to either step up and cut any bs, or I'm bailing. No response yet, as he's been asleep..

 

No one here would really recommend staying in contact, not to even mention being friends with an ex. But I don't really mind at this point. Yes, I hurt quite a bit sometimes. I hurt when he seems distant. But he really is a damn mess. He hides it, but I know him. I care still.

 

He will most likely come back in a few months, to "charm me back in". I think I've finally reached my limit. Though I must say, even though he is struggling now, a part of me still wants to hurt him back for what he's done to me. I'm not proud of that, but I intend to be honest on this forum.

 

I have found myself a, as he calls himself, distraction on the side (M23). We're not from the same country (DAMMIT), but we Skype crazy amounts at nights and talk. He's interested in me, I'm interested in him, but there are no feelings attached, as that's what we decided, and I like that. I can't wait to fall in love again, as I have so much love to give. But I want it to be at the right time with the right person. That ain't my guy, I know that!

 

We'll see what's going on with Mr. Crazy.

[donotmicrowave]

Oh piss off, you.

 

He doesn't really share his life with me anyway. He also knows that his half-booty (aka half-a55 but I don't swear as I'm adorable) responses and excuses make me pissed. Trust me, he is perfectly aware.

 

If he wants to talk to me, he will find any excuse to do so, as he's done it before. He's not interested in it now, that's his problem. So, he either steps up a tad or I'll abandon ship.

 

I'm feeling salty as I haven't had coffee today.

 

-Microwave

The most depressed one in town!

Edited November 21, 2017 by donotmicrowave

[sdraw108]

I'm not hearing any good reasons why you should stay in contact with this guy. He's emotionally abusive, he's keeping you attached instead of fully moving on, and you've improved as a person and are young and ready to experience good things. He's just holding you back from that.

 

If you block him permanently, I promise you won't regret it when you look back on it later in your life. On the other hand, if you keep him around you won't gain anything out of it and will probably lose out emotionally in some way. I get that you care about him, but he doesn't care about you (people who care don't mistreat you). He doesn't deserve your caring.

[amaysngrace]

Don't concern yourself with "if he talks to you' when the question should be "why are you still talking to him?"

 

You're not beneath him.

[donotmicrowave]

I'm not hearing any good reasons why you should stay in contact with this guy. He's emotionally abusive, he's keeping you attached instead of fully moving on, and you've improved as a person and are young and ready to experience good things. He's just holding you back from that.

 

If you block him permanently, I promise you won't regret it when you look back on it later in your life. On the other hand, if you keep him around you won't gain anything out of it and will probably lose out emotionally in some way. I get that you care about him, but he doesn't care about you (people who care don't mistreat you). He doesn't deserve your caring.

 

You are 100% right.

 

It all comes down to me making extremely dumb decisions out of love and care for people. It takes a LOT for me to leave.

 

So far I've just decided to not really care. I made sure he told me he was serious about the friendship, it's all up to him now. I don't even know what his friendship would give me, besides it being familiar and "safe" in a way.

 

I'll go abroad to visit some friends in a few days. Probably won't really have time to think about it, which is good, as I'm not ready to make the final decision yet. He'll act as he chooses to. I just don't want to care right now, not sure if that's immature or not.

 

-Microwave

[donotmicrowave]

Don't concern yourself with "if he talks to you' when the question should be "why are you still talking to him?"

 

You're not beneath him.

 

I'm still attached.

 

I'm not heartbroken per se, I'm not obsessed, just attached. He treated me like garbage whenever his life turned to garbage, which is terrible. We all know that.

 

I still can't help but feel proud of myself though. I think I did so damn good at loving him.

 

I just want to do my own thing right now (travel, meet people and be a 19 year old). He'll do whatever.

 

*OFF TOPIC: I was scrolling through some really old threads here on LS, saw your posts from years ago. Really surprised to see you still on, I think it's awesome that people stick to this place*

 

-Microwave

[donotmicrowave]

We've been texting a bit here and there today. Kept the conversation light. Started talking about my newest sketchbook, told him about some of my drawings there. The "happy" drawings, the "lonely" drawings, the "horny" drawings (sue me), and so on.

 

He said "It sounds good! Are you happy?"

 

Now.

 

I just gave him a very cryptic answer. I stated that if I choose to be happy, then I am just that.

 

Was that just another form of manipulation? Considering the backstory to this?..

 

-Confused Microwave

[donotmicrowave]

My "distraction" decided to let me know today, after weeks of talking, that he actually has feelings for some other girl. That someone else didn't want to continue dating him, as he wasn't "good enough" for her. He now wants to change, in order to get a chance with her again. That is most likely going to burn.

 

So, that's that. I don't know how I feel about that yet. We'll see.

 

It keeps getting better!

 

 

-Microwave

[donotmicrowave]

The short trip to the Netherlands went fine.

 

Ex has been trying to flirt with me here and there. He is now also pulling the "You dumped me, I did nothing" crap. I personally feel like if you tell someone that you don't want things to work out with that person, that is dumping. I just said "so it's over"

 

Feeling fairly lonely. I'm going back home to parents who are mad at me most of the time and then get into my usual routine again.

 

I don't really have anything to bring me real joy in life right now. I don't know how to find it either.

 

The distraction and I cut contact nearly a week ago.

 

-Microwave

[Vanity1]

Attachment is so annoying.

[donotmicrowave]

I'm not feeling good at all. It's 3AM, I'm just spending time in an airport, waiting for my bus home.

 

Stupidly asked for my ex to visit me in my country, after feeling like I got rejected by someone else. He said it'd be difficult as we have "done so much" and being in the same room with me and not getting to hold hands would be "hard for him". So I was just like screw it, let's f**k. More excuses. I pushed him, as I don't want him to string me along, so he just said that he's gonna spare me the ride and say no.

 

I don't understand why I keep hurting myself like this. My ex has been flirting with me and everything. I hoped he'd say yes and come.

 

This is so stupid. Why do I want to spend time with someone like that. I'm messed up.

 

-Microwave

[donotmicrowave]

I just deleted him from my social media. Can't stop crying.

[donotmicrowave]

I'm really struggling. It's almost midnight, I'm getting back into my usual routine tomorrow (home-work-home).

 

I hate it. I'm 19, the people who I work with are much older, so I don't necessarily have friends there. I don't really have friends anyway, except for a few from foreign countries.

 

Though I deleted my ex from social media yesterday, tonight I realized that he had simply ignored my last fairly pathetic message. That set me off in a way, as he hadn't realized I'd unfriended him.

 

I added him back for a minute. Told him that I'm moving on. That I can't stick by his side, as he lies and hurts me still. I even had to mention that I like somebody else, for some reason. Said he knows my number, if he happened to need anything, and said that I don't know if I'll be back. I probably will. Why, I don't know. Then I casually asked him not to reply to that message. And I unfriended him again.

 

I'm in such a bad place right now. I feel so lonely and pathetic. I'm hurting and feel betrayed. I gave so much. He just got off on destroying me.

 

My family doesn't really support me, I don't have friends here. I work all day, then go home to watch videos and do a bunch of random stuff.

 

I don't know what to do. I'm alone.

 

-Microwave

[donotmicrowave]

GOOD

 

We've known each other for so long

We are both silly and weird with each other

He didn't want me to walk on that side of the sidewalk that's next to the road as he wanted me to be safe

Our kisses were perfect

We're each other's first

His hug made me feel safe

He knows me, I know him

He's made me feel very special and appreciated

He has brought so much joy into my life

I'm used to him

Loyal (to me)

 

BAD

 

Whenever things get for difficult for him, he would hurt me on purpose

He manipulates

He lies

Gaslighting

He ignores

He has lied about his social media "habits" with other girls

He cheated on his ex with me, pretty much the entire time

He got together with that ex twice, after leaving me

He used her

He used her to hurt me

He acts as if he doesn't care

He promises so much, just to take it all back

His life is a mess

He is a mess

He "doesn't know"

He has/has tried breaking up with me multiple times

He hurts me

 

All of the negative happens when things in his life get difficult. When I start to not care, he comes back to me. But it hurts so so much.

[donotmicrowave]

Been around 2 weeks since starting NC.

 

I'm doing alright. Some nights I miss him, but that ends the next day.

 

I've been traveling, meeting up with friends, I went clubbing, actually have a date for tonight. I'm allowing guys to be interested in me and, truth me told, I quite like it.

 

I've deleted him from everywhere, but a week or so into NC, I saw that he still has me on his Snapchat, and he's actually contacted me twice. About completely random stuff, to lure me in again, I guess. He had sent me a pic of his oatmeal 2 days after I cut ties, as I always mocked him for making it with water only.. A few days after that, he had messaged me and said something like this: "When you contact me again, you should totally check this out *link to an American football team in my country, he had randomly searched it up himself*, you should totally let me move in with you and drive me to work with a fancy car and make me smoothies!*. He has no shame whatsoever.

 

I didn't respond.

 

-Microwave

[HumanMachine]

You may have deleted but why haven’t you blocked?

[donotmicrowave]

You may have deleted but why haven’t you blocked?

 

Honestly, I like seeing that he's still there. I still think about contact with him in the future, though I don't plan it per se. It's wrong anyway.

 

I don't receive his messages unless I check them specifically, as I've set my profile that way. I just keep hoping I'll be "ready" to actually block him soon.

 

-Microwave

[HumanMachine]

Honestly, I like seeing that he's still there. I still think about contact with him in the future, though I don't plan it per se. It's wrong anyway.

 

I don't receive his messages unless I check them specifically, as I've set my profile that way. I just keep hoping I'll be "ready" to actually block him soon.

 

-Microwave

 

You won’t truly move on until you lose these feelings. All the best.

[Jdoublenn]

You know the drill. BLOCK from everything. Thats the only way he'll stop having a hold on you, bc you know you enjoy getting those random snaps. *eye roll*

 

His act is working bc he can still message you little things when he wants. Be strong and block everything.

[donotmicrowave]

You know the drill. BLOCK from everything. Thats the only way he'll stop having a hold on you, bc you know you enjoy getting those random snaps. *eye roll*

 

His act is working bc he can still message you little things when he wants. Be strong and block everything.

 

You're right. I honestly doubt anyone could be ready any time soon while still attached like this, you just do it.

 

So, that's what I did, I just blocked him. Will regret it later, but that doesn't matter.

 

Thanks. Putting it out like that really made it clear to me how pitiful it really is/was to keep him in a way.

 

-Microwave

[Ginger123]

I so get where your at. I understand how difficult it is for you.

 

Would you say that for you he is someone who is always there even if the relationship isn't right.

 

It's nice to know that there is always someone there. He isn't the right one for you though.

 

You wont find it within you to connect to someone else who will be right for you while you are connected to him.

 

Find the strength from somewhere to get over him. Not just blocking him from contacting you but also from invading your thoughts. Find fulfilling things to occupy your thoughts. Learn something new.

 

Life's too short to waste on things not good for us.

[donotmicrowave]

I so get where your at. I understand how difficult it is for you.

 

Would you say that for you he is someone who is always there even if the relationship isn't right.

 

It's nice to know that there is always someone there. He isn't the right one for you though.

 

You wont find it within you to connect to someone else who will be right for you while you are connected to him.

 

Find the strength from somewhere to get over him. Not just blocking him from contacting you but also from invading your thoughts. Find fulfilling things to occupy your thoughts. Learn something new.

 

Life's too short to waste on things not good for us.

 

I'm so grateful for your response. Of course every Loveshacker knows how to do it - block, delete everything, move on. Simple, but so darn difficult at the same time. It is so comforting to hear from people who understand this weird attachment.

 

I was starting to feel down again, your post really cheered me up.

 

-A thankful Microwave

[donotmicrowave]

I haven't actually had a day quite like this since I started NC. Sure, I've been sad and hurt. But today, I keep wondering if he's already looking for someone else. Is someone else already getting his attention, is he trying to "woo" some girl.

 

It hurts. I hate not knowing.

 

3 weeks in a few days. Why am I like this.

 

-Microwave