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Complex Friendship and Possible Relationship don't want to screw up


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Hello Everybody, I have a very interesting situation on my hands. I will try to sum this up as best as I can with the least amount of words. I met a girl through a friend who had a boyfriend for about 6 months. They broke up in August. After she broke she was able to hang out with me and our other friends much more. We like to go raving and clubbing together and basically love electronic music.

 

So throughout the months of September until now I noticed interesting things happening with our friendship. There have been several occasions where she would always point at me to dance with her and no one else. I also noticed whenever I would ignore her she would try to grab my attention on the dance floor. The more parties we were going the more she was getting extremely touchy with me and I have been showing the same amount of touchiness.

 

Whenever we talk or do things we are super nice to each other and have a **** ton in common its not even funny. She sends me direct messages on snapchat, facebook and Instagram of just random cute stuff. Every time I pick her up for an event or just meet up with her she talks to me a lot about her life like what she is up to and just drama out of no where and talks to no one else about it. I never ask certain things she always brings it up and always wants my help and someone to talk to regarding things in her life including her ex. I try to give her the best advice and support I can in terms of her ex especially. He was an ass and a douche and she got screwed over pretty bad.

 

This past weekend she invited me to go out with her shopping and to also hangout at her place. We went for a long stroll and just talked a lot. We went shopping and she wanted me to try things on and she wanted to basically dress me up. It felt like we were in a relationship. We are always complimenting each other and really shooting the **** all the time as if we were in a relationship. We went to dinner and everything was good and she started talking about how her ex messaged her that day and she was so pissed about it because she can't block him because her ex is her best friends brother. Its a rough situation but you can see its really pissing her off.

 

Anyhow after I gave my advice I told her about my ex which she had briefly heard about from her friends and wanted to know the whole story. She was shocked and kept saying i cant believe that happened you are soo nice!. In my head I started to play " the nice guy finishes last" line in my head. I also told her about my parents separating last week and she freaked out and wanted to talk to me about it. We talked for a little and when i got home she poured her heart out to me. She said how this whole situation with my parents is bothering her. I was confused because why would my situation bother her? Anyhow she gave me insight I complimented her and she complimented back and we were doing that steadily for about 3 hours with hearts and stuff and she was calling me so sweet and amazing and just everything nice.

 

She said how she is so comfortable with me and and she loves talking to me and thinks I am the best dude she has ever met and I have only known her for like max 6 months. Okay so here is my dilemma. I really started liking her over the months after all the attention we have been giving each other. I am worried about 3 things here. 1) I hope I am not that nice guy that can just be used as an emotional punching bag, 2) I can tell she likes me by the way she interacts with me but I feel like she is unsure because of everything that has happened in the past. 3) What should I do from here on in, we have been texting much more this week, should I stop texting or back away. I would like a relationship with her and I do not want to ruin a friendship if anything. I am so confused and I am wondering if I should stop texting her to not seem clingy or go with the flow and text her. I am not sure what to do and I am so confused. It is her birthday soon and we keep making plans with each other. On her birthday we are going to a Christmas market which is a super couple thing to do in the winter .

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I can sense your confusion from here. In all of this, two things stand out to me

 

a)"I hope I am not that nice guy that can just be used as an emotional punching bag"

 

b) "I do not want to ruin a friendship if anything".

 

Using you as an emotional punching bag makes it sound kind of like her taking out her bad moods on you. But she doesn't seem to be doing this, so I assume you're talking about her using you to support her in times of need. Thing is though, supporting each other is a big part of friendship. But you don't want to risk the friendship. See how these things conflict with each other?

 

You are going to have to choose between asking her on a proper date or being her BFF. Having it both ways is impossible.

 

My advice is to ask her on a date. I say this for a number of reasons:

 

1. It sounds like you'd rather be her boyfriend than her BFF.

2. If you do settle for BFF, it's going to get really complicated when she gets a boyfriend. Or you get a girlfriend.

3. I think you'll end up pining for your BFF and get really sad and confused.

 

If it all goes pear shaped, you will move on to greener pastures. I promise.

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I can sense your confusion from here. In all of this, two things stand out to me

 

a)"I hope I am not that nice guy that can just be used as an emotional punching bag"

 

b) "I do not want to ruin a friendship if anything".

 

Using you as an emotional punching bag makes it sound kind of like her taking out her bad moods on you. But she doesn't seem to be doing this, so I assume you're talking about her using you to support her in times of need. Thing is though, supporting each other is a big part of friendship. But you don't want to risk the friendship. See how these things conflict with each other?

 

You are going to have to choose between asking her on a proper date or being her BFF. Having it both ways is impossible.

 

My advice is to ask her on a date. I say this for a number of reasons:

 

1. It sounds like you'd rather be her boyfriend than her BFF.

2. If you do settle for BFF, it's going to get really complicated when she gets a boyfriend. Or you get a girlfriend.

3. I think you'll end up pining for your BFF and get really sad and confused.

 

If it all goes pear shaped, you will move on to greener pastures. I promise.

 

Thank you this is very helpful, I greatly appreciate it! Do you have any suggestions on texting or how to be attractive to her?

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Thank you this is very helpful, I greatly appreciate it! Do you have any suggestions on texting or how to be attractive to her?

 

haha sorry, I'm too old to help with texting ideas. And I don't think you can manufacture attraction.

 

However it does sound like you have a good bond going. Is there of that electric feeling running between the two of you? Have you got any mutual friends who you can ask about her possible levels of attraction?

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Hello everybody,

 

I will keep this as simple as possible and some feedback would be amazing. I was in a relationship for 6 years and it ended last February. I did get cheated on with a best friend and that screwed me up real bad. At the beginning I was rebounding hard off other girls. I met new girls and was never sure what I was feeling anymore.

 

I met this one girl in May named Leanna and we met while drunk and we made out and got sexual a week later. A month or two into seeing each other I realized this is not really what I want and she is not my type and I don't love her at tall. I told her about this and she agreed and we both continue to be friends and see each other which is fine.

 

In this process from about June, I met this other girl through a friends friend and noticed an odd connection with this girl. We would go to parties, bars, and clubs together because we had the same social circle. I noticed every time we went out we had an odd connection and it felt good but weird.

 

She was dating someone at the time so I did not jump in and ruin anything and kept it to myself. August she broke up with her ex after an untrustworthy and argument filled relationship that lasted 6 months. Ever since that happened we naturally just gravitated towards each other even more when we went out and always opened up to each other for some reason. 3 months later until about last week her and I started feeling something different and it felt really good. We started texting more going places alone together much more and just getting really close.

 

As of last night we admitted to each other that we do like each other and we are feeling something and talked for 5 hours on the phone just about everything. Once we hung up we were sending hearts and just going off on each other about how much we really like each other. It felt good and gave me butterflies.

 

Okay so where am I going with this, well first and foremost I know I got cheated on in the past and for some reason I worry about that ever happening again which also plays a roll in me liking this new girl whose name is Sabrina by the way. Also the fall out from Leanna after a month of not feeling it made me worry about this one for a bunch of reasons. First being, what if this happens again where I end up not liking her. Second, if things don't workout how will we ever be friends or the same around each other. I am having this emotional anxiety and I feel like I am being so reserved because of past issues.

 

If you are wondering I am about 95% over my ex and will never compare new relationships I just don't want to get hurt that is all. I ended up going to sleep that night and waking up every 10 mins with night sweats and anxiety worrying about how much I really like this girl and not wanting to screw anything up. I also worry that I said I like her but do I really? I honestly don't know what I am thinking and I am worried about instances that happened in the past. Everyone is saying don't treat new relationships like your old one because you are setting yourself up to fail which is true.

 

Live in the moment and have fun and if you feel it go with the flow. How do I get out of this habit of worrying what happened in the past and just living in that moment? I woke up this morning second guessing everything but sitting at this computer screen thinking to myself like I feel really good thinking about Sabrina and it feels different from anyone else. Any tips and suggestions to get out of this mentality of worrying and just enjoying being with Sabrina?

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Your new mantra: Sabrina is not my EX.

 

It's hard because your faith got shattered. You were betrayed not only by your GF but your buddy. Intellectually you have to consistently remind yourself that not everyone is unfaithful as they were.

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Your new mantra: Sabrina is not my EX.

 

It's hard because your faith got shattered. You were betrayed not only by your GF but your buddy. Intellectually you have to consistently remind yourself that not everyone is unfaithful as they were.

 

That is very true and I appreciate your response. Another issue I am facing is that I don't want the **** that happened with Leanna to happen with Sabrina. I know it is a whole new situation and we started out as friends but I have doubts all the time. A bad mentality basically and I do not know how to snap out of it even though I feel so good around Sabrina something I have not felt since I was with me ex who is named Alexa by the way.

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Hello Everybody, as of last February I broke up with my ex after a 6 year relationship and had a tough time coping and getting over her. As of today I feel like I am 95 percent over her which is great because I have been seeing new people.

 

I have been seeing this one girl for about 3 weeks but we were good friends to begin with and decided we wanted something more. We both had issues at the time and still do. I have sexual performance anxiety and she has stress and depression. Basically I couldn't get an erection from sex and she was stressed about life and past break ups and issues as well

 

This is the first girl in awhile I actually started to fall for since my ex. She told me today the sex was a small factor because I could not get an erection but me overwhelming her with affection and basically clingy was the biggest thing for her. She said she realized after this experience she does not want to be with anyone or in a relationship. We are good friends and she wants it to be like that and so do I and maybe down the line stuff will happen but for now I want to get over it. I feel the same as I was when I broke up with my ex but not that extreme because that was a 6 year relationship.

 

We are going to see each other a lot because we have the same social circle. How do i cope with this and be normal and not stress out because I actually loved her? I just want to be around her and show her that i m doing fine and I also want her to realize I am not that guy that was overwhelming and had issues.

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Hello Everybody, as of last February I broke up with my ex after a 6 year relationship and had a tough time coping and getting over her. As of today I feel like I am 95 percent over her which is great because I have been seeing new people.

 

I have been seeing this one girl for about 3 weeks but we were good friends to begin with and decided we wanted something more. We both had issues at the time and still do. I have sexual performance anxiety and she has stress and depression. Basically I couldn't get an erection from sex and she was stressed about life and past break ups and issues as well

 

This is the first girl in awhile I actually started to fall for since my ex. She told me today the sex was a small factor because I could not get an erection but me overwhelming her with affection and basically clingy was the biggest thing for her. She said she realized after this experience she does not want to be with anyone or in a relationship. We are good friends and she wants it to be like that and so do I and maybe down the line stuff will happen but for now I want to get over it. I feel the same as I was when I broke up with my ex but not that extreme because that was a 6 year relationship.

 

We are going to see each other a lot because we have the same social circle. How do i cope with this and be normal and not stress out because I actually loved her? I just want to be around her and show her that i am doing fine and I also want her to realize I am not that guy that was overwhelming and had issues.

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Why do you think this is your fault? Cause she said so isn't a real good way of internalizing things. Sometimes subtitles and hints let people know you wants and needs and sometimes those get mixed up in the world of human interaction. Just because someone told you something doesn't always make it 100 percent true.

Try not to take it personally because it's usually not. You might like her now but think of the possibilities that you may have dodged a bullet.

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Why do you think this is your fault? Cause she said so isn't a real good way of internalizing things. Sometimes subtitles and hints let people know you wants and needs and sometimes those get mixed up in the world of human interaction. Just because someone told you something doesn't always make it 100 percent true.

Try not to take it personally because it's usually not. You might like her now but think of the possibilities that you may have dodged a bullet.

 

Thats true thank you!

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Hello Everybody,

 

I was seeing a girl for about 3 weeks now but before we started seeing each other romantically we were friends. I played my cards right and got her out of the friend zone and we did sexual stuff and kissed and thought about the future.

 

Eventually seeing her made me clingy and I will admit I was being the typical nice guy because I actually started to fall for her. 3 issues happened. 1 being I was clingy and overwhelmed her which she told me, 2 she said my sexual performance anxiety annoyed her and basically not being able to get an erection pushed her away a little, 3 she said she is suffering from anxiety and depression and just got out of a relationship in August and says she wants to fix herself.

 

I am of course really upset about it because I genuinely like her a lot and I went though a break up in February. So we went from friends to dating to friends again. This happened yesterday going back to friends. Things are a little weird but we both promised we are not going to be awkward because we have the same social circle and friends, which I am cool with.

 

Now how in the hell or heavens do I slowly win her back and want me. Basically I know I have issues and this was a slap in the face to get myself fixed which I am doing as we speak. But how do I show her I have changed and get back into dating her. She said it herself maybe down the line we can be together. What do I do to get her interested again? Text me? Call me? Be like she was when we were dating? We have a party to go to tomorrow at a rave and its going to be me, my best friend and his girlfriend, and this girl that I dated. She texted me earlier today asking if she should still come and I said of course and she replied instantly saying okay cool

 

She said she still wants to be there for me and basically do what we were doing before we started dating for about 3 weeks. HELP!?!?

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1st, 2nd, 3rd, and home run. We did everything together.

 

ok mr. nice guy. first, you should have told her she can't come to the rave. less is more in this situation. stand up for yourself and grow a pair. she has no respect for you right now. do the exact opposite of what you did when you were a couple. start treating her like sh*t sometimes.

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ok mr. nice guy. first, you should have told her she can't come to the rave. less is more in this situation. stand up for yourself and grow a pair. she has no respect for you right now. do the exact opposite of what you did when you were a couple. start treating her like sh*t sometimes.

 

I agree with you and I know I have to kind of 180 the situation but I kind of bought the ticket for her I know I said yes now but what should I do for the future. Basically I want to keep her interested somehow whether its social media or texting but I do not want to initiate anything. From nice guy talking all the time to not available guy who doesn't want to talk to her without pushing her away. What should I do? Also how should I act around her tomorrow at the rave?

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Also how should I act around her tomorrow at the rave?

 

you should be scoping out/talking to other chicks

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you should be scoping out/talking to other chicks

 

What if she thinks I am doing this on purpose to piss her off?

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What if she thinks I am doing this on purpose to piss her off?

well, you are. who cares what she thinks

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well, you are. who cares what she thinks

 

Ya but my goal is to keep her interested and maybe eventually come back. Basically how do I become attractive to her again after being friends then being in a relationship then being friends again (which is where I am right now).

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You have known each other for a while & tried something romantic which didn't work. Now you will be thrown together & want to be friends & not have things be awkward. That's not going to be easy but ignoring it, & kind of faking it until things get back to normal will help.

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You have known each other for a while & tried something romantic which didn't work. Now you will be thrown together & want to be friends & not have things be awkward. That's not going to be easy but ignoring it, & kind of faking it until things get back to normal will help.

 

 

That is true and I will do whatever it takes to get back to normal but should I avoid any behaviours. How do I keep her interested as well for maybe the future. I have a function with her tomorrow and I am not sure how to treat it. People say to 180 dont be that nice guy anymore dont be available dont follow her around.

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You don't keep her interested. You simply be polite, warm if you can manage it but interested is not in the cards.

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You don't keep her interested. You simply be polite, warm if you can manage it but interested is not in the cards.

 

But eventually I want to date her again or get her to like me again romantically.

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The only way she will ever be interested is if you are ready willing and ABLE to consummate the relationship. If she gives you a 2nd chance & that doesn't happen, all bets are off.

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