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4 Year Workplace Affair Ends In Heartbreak


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I am 37 and she is 46. I have never been married and have no kids and she is divorced with 2 kids (one in his early 20's, one in her early teens). We worked together for over 3 years as just regular work colleagues before any of this happened between us. Then, at the end of summer 2013 she texted me about a work issue. She had never texted me before and had always just communicated with me over the office phone line (I work in health care. She is a nurse who works out of the office in the field and I work in the office on the business side). She put :) after almost every sentence, which I guess lightened the mood of the work issues we were texting about, and we then started talking about personal stuff (I found out that she was still married but in the process of getting a divorce and her and her husband were sleeping in separate bedrooms). We started texting each other everyday after that. After a few days, personal conversation turned into flirting, and then that turned into talking about sex. I told her next time she's in the office lets go down to the supply room and make out. 2 days later that is exactly what we did. On 3 different times we made out at work. Then one saturday night (just over one month after we started talking like this) she asked to meet me out at a night club and we ended up having sex in my car. It was a little awkward and probably not the best but I thought it was amazing.

 

We went out again a week later and just had drinks and kissed. That was it. We were still texting each other everyday non stop morning through night (work wise I would only see her maybe one time a week for an hour when she came to the office for something). Like 2 weeks later, she tells me that she enjoyed our time but she does not really feel chemistry and while she does not want a relationship with me.....we can just be "good friends". At the time I was totally ok with that and over the following 10 months we would still text each other every single day all day. Calling each other "honey" and other pet names. She would always send me photos of herself (never any real naughty ones. No nudity) of her out with friends. By Spring 2014 we were talking sexually again and we met out one night and totally went at it in her car (no sex. Just making out). When her birthday was coming up in July, she asked me if I wanted to go grab dinner with her and then go back to her place for dessert. Obviously I said YES. I ended up just going over to her house and we had drinks and had sex on her couch. She did not want to go in her bed. I thought it was good but again she did not seem to like it. The following week we went out for drinks and she again told me she felt no chemistry with me and only wanted to be my friend. I accepted this and we went back to just being good friends.

 

Over the next year, our friendship became one of texting each other constantly morning, noon, night and on weekends and going for drinks maybe once every 2 months. She would still send me photos of herself and I would still flirt with her and she would flirt back and I would always make sure she knew how I still wanted her. Then in summer 2015 she met some guy and I was crushed. It felt like a break up to me. She became cold and when she would text me it was not the same at all. We talked and she knew I was hurt and was actually very caring and sympathetic towards me. This relationship she had only lasted 2 months though and when it ended we went right back to what we had. Me and her texting each other all the time. Flirting, her sending photos, calling each other pet names, going out sometimes (drinks, concerts, movies, dinner). This again went on for a long time. Then in December 2016, me and her went to a movie together. Afterwards we went to a bar, then sat in her car talking, and then ended up kissing and having sex in her car right in the parking lot of the bar. I couldn't believe it was happening and I was soo happy. But again, the next day she sent me a text saying while she does not regret it and she had a great time, we are still only going to be friends. However, later that month she invited me to her house and we drank and watched TV and kissed but did not have sex.

 

Fast forward to summer 2017. Since the start of the year nothing changed between us. We would still text each other ALL THE TIME and flirt, call each other pet names, she would send me kiss emojis once in awhile and we would go out occassionally (nothing intimate would happen though because SHE didn't want that). Then in August 2017 we went to a concert together with friends. Afterwards we got back to her place and sat on the couch (alone at this point) and she starts putting her legs on me while wearing a short skirt and pulling it up and showing me her panties and her bra but not reciprocating my advances or me kissing her. She then went and got her laptop and showed me all these VERY inimate and sexy professional photos she had paid some photographer to take of herself. So I am sitting on the couch next to this woman who I am EXTREMELY attracted too while she is in a short dress, showing me very sexy photos of herself, showing me her panties, but making it clear by not kissing me back that she does not want that. Her son was asleep in his room and she did make the comment "I have a child here" when I kept trying to kiss her but come on!!!! Talk about giving someone major blue balls!!! The next morning we talked of course and she again re-iterated the fact that she only wants friendship from me. As always our communication continued just like it always had with flirting, texting each other all the time, her sending me kiss emoji's once in a while when I would do something nice for her at work, her sending me photos almost like she's seeking my approval for her appearance because she knows how beautiful I think she is....

 

But then one month ago we went for a drink and she told me how she met someone online and she really likes him and she's dating him now. For the past 4 weeks I have been literally a basket case. Barely eat, don't go to the gym, don't want to go out with friends, people at work saying I look like my puppy just died. I'm a mess. She knows how much I hurt. She also knows that I'm in love with her and I admitted it to her, and she has been checking in on me to make sure I'm OK and still talking to me once in a while but obviously it's not the same as before. The other night I got angry at her because I think she was getting fed up with me bothering her and she basically said to me that she does not like the way I kiss her, she does not like it when we had sex, and she did not like the way I touch her. So she had sex with me on 3 different occasions over a four-year period and we made out on about 10 other different occasions but she didn't like any of it apparently?? When we talked on the phone the that night I made comments that I'm sure this man is just perfect and that she's going to be screwing him all weekend (they went away together for this weekend) and other bad stuff. And now I don't think she will talk to me on a personal level ever again. But I will of course be forced to speak to her daily about work issues.

 

And yes.....if you look in my post history on my profile.....you will see that I wrote about this EXACT SAME WOMAN in the summer of 2015 when I was going through this same heartache when she dating another man....which I briefly mentioned in this post today.

 

I know I have 2 options here and I would like advice on how I would go about achieving both.

 

1. Is there ANYTHING I can do to re-attract this woman and get her interested in me again?

 

2. If no.....How am I going to get over her and move on when I am forced to talk to her through text every day and see her once a week?

Edited by Rainmkr555
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She's kind of a hot mess, isn't she?

 

Is she still married? I know you went to her house, and I may have missed it somewhere in your post, but I am unclear as to whether she's actually divorced.

 

Even if she is now divorced, I think you need to let her go. She seems to get off on knowing you are in love with her and she feeds on the attention and praise, but that's about it. Don't worry about re-attracting her. It's time to work on breaking your emotional addiction to her so you can one day meet a woman who's into you and actually worth your time. This woman really isn't.

 

Stop communicating with her on any personal level. You are going to have to keep all interactions strictly professional. Yes, that will be hard. But that's the unfortunate consequence of getting involved with a colleague. It doesn't sound as though you need to keep your personal lines of communication open to her for any work reasons, so I would block her from your own phone. She can use the work line to make necessary work-related contact.

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CautiouslyOptimistic

If you could design your perfect relationship, what would it look like? What are the needs you would want to be met by someone else and what needs would you like to be relied on to meet for that person?

 

Is this woman meeting your needs? Besides sexually on occasion?

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She used you, it's not that complicated. You were her emotional safety net as she was ending her marriage, and while dating and looking for her next "victim" umm partner.

 

You cant attract her or woo her into a relationship, she never saw you as someone she wanted a relationship with.

 

Sorry man, but save yourself from farther pain and disappointment

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She’s longer married now. When we first started this thing back in 2013 she was going through the divorce and it became finalized in 2014.

Luckily for me I do not her in see in the office. Only once a week for like 10 minutes. But unfortunately for me, I still must communicate with her by Phone or through text about work issues every single day.

And I really don’t want to stop talking to her though. Over the past 4 years I’ve become addicted to her attention. And now that I feel it’s been taken away.....all I’m doing is missing her terribly. Even though I know she most likely spent the entire weekend having sex with this man :(

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She’s no longer married now. When we first started this thing back in 2013 she was going through the divorce and it became finalized in 2014.

Luckily for me I do not her in see in the office. Only once a week for like 10 minutes. But unfortunately for me, I still must communicate with her by Phone or through text about work issues every single day.

And I really don’t want to stop talking to her though. Over the past 4 years I’ve become addicted to her attention. And now that I feel it’s been taken away.....all I’m doing is missing her terribly. Even though I know she most likely spent the entire weekend having sex with this man

 

 

 

She's kind of a hot mess, isn't she?

 

Is she still married? I know you went to her house, and I may have missed it somewhere in your post, but I am unclear as to whether she's actually divorced.

 

Even if she is now divorced, I think you need to let her go. She seems to get off on knowing you are in love with her and she feeds on the attention and praise, but that's about it. Don't worry about re-attracting her. It's time to work on breaking your emotional addiction to her so you can one day meet a woman who's into you and actually worth your time. This woman really isn't.

 

Stop communicating with her on any personal level. You are going to have to keep all interactions strictly professional. Yes, that will be hard. But that's the unfortunate consequence of getting involved with a colleague. It doesn't sound as though you need to keep your personal lines of communication open to her for any work reasons, so I would block her from your own phone. She can use the work line to make necessary work-related contact.

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Move on from this mess !

 

Go focus on yourself and do things that will make you forget here, in order for you to feel better you will need to end all communication with this psycho at least for 3-6 months

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Why do you think she’s a “psycho”? Someone else told me she may have borderline personality disorder....

 

But WHY?

 

I mean she did constantly tell me over and over we would only be friends. But I also realize her actions towards me didn’t always match those words.

 

 

Move on from this mess !

 

Go focus on yourself and do things that will make you forget here, in order for you to feel better you will need to end all communication with this psycho at least for 3-6 months

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Fleur de cactus

Sorry to hear what you are going through, It is painful to see her or talk to her over the phone, can you direct her phone calls to someone else. I think you are hurt but please start trying to forget about her.

 

That woman is a player, she used you as a toy and it makes her happy to have your attention. I cannot believe she continues to pretend that she cares about your feelings. From the beginning, she told you that you will be friends only, and kept coming back. she is a player; she did not want to be without attention while she was looking for other guys. Don,t let her manipulate you. Start dating other women.

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I think she likes you, but not in the way you want. She is not attracted to you sexually and that is NOT going to change. I think you were good for her ego and when she didn't have anyone else, she would share her time with you. She is not interested in you and you have allowed her to push and pull on you for years. If she were interested in you, you would have a real relationship.

 

Now, just talk with her about work. Do not continue to try to get her to be attracted to you. She has told you that she is not. Believe her. Pull yourself together and move on. Find other women to date who find you appealing and feel good about yourself again.

 

Talk only about work to her.

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Why do you think she’s a “psycho”? Someone else told me she may have borderline personality disorder....

 

But WHY?

 

I mean she did constantly tell me over and over we would only be friends. But I also realize her actions towards me didn’t always match those words.

 

Why even talk to her about work ?! Let her ask someone else unless it’s part of your job then fine but just keep it civil and that’s it !

 

Because her life was a mess and she dragged you into it. I really think you should let this go and focus on you. There’s no sense in wasting more time on this woman.... who cares if she has a personality disorder it won’t change anything !! Let this go and move on to better things for you

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CautiouslyOptimistic
Because her life was a mess and she dragged you into it. I really think you should let this go and focus on you. There’s no sense in wasting more time on this woman.... who cares if she has a personality disorder it won’t change anything !! Let this go and move on to better things for you

 

I agree.

 

OP, why the obsession with this woman? Surely there must be more, more available, women to pursue?

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She doesn't sound like a very nice woman. Not sure why you would want her back...

 

Either way, you should move on. She has clearly moved on...

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Honestly I don’t know. I mean I am extremely attracted to her and after four years of her constantly showing me attention.....I guess I just don’t want to let that go. I’m like addicted to her.

And I really do feel like I am in love with her.

But you know what? For years, I’ve been totally fine just being her friend and not being in a relationship with her as long as she would talk to me go out with me and give me attention and let me believe I could still have sex with her again one day.......just as long as she was NOT DATING ANYONE. It’s when she starts dating someone that I get crazy like this.

 

 

I agree.

 

OP, why the obsession with this woman? Surely there must be more, more available, women to pursue?

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CautiouslyOptimistic
Honestly I don’t know. I mean I am extremely attracted to her and after four years of her constantly showing me attention.....I guess I just don’t want to let that go. I’m like addicted to her.

And I really do feel like I am in love with her.

But you know what? For years, I’ve been totally fine just being her friend and not being in a relationship with her as long as she would talk to me go out with me and give me attention and let me believe I could still have sex with her again one day.......just as long as she was NOT DATING ANYONE. It’s when she starts dating someone that I get crazy like this.

 

This sounds SO unhealthy. Have you dated anyone else during this timeframe?

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This sounds SO unhealthy. Have you dated anyone else during this timeframe?

 

 

I’ve been on some dates but no.....haven’t really dated anyone else.

 

But of course now that she’s dating someone.....I feel like I really should try to find someone. It’s so crazy cuz I’m 37. She’s 46. I think she’s sooooo beautiful but there are many beautiful women MY AGE or younger I’m sure I could find. But when I go out or go on dating websites.....I always compare every woman to her but I always feel that she is more beautiful.....even if in reality that might not be the case.

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CautiouslyOptimistic
I’ve been on some dates but no.....haven’t really dated anyone else.

 

But of course now that she’s dating someone.....I feel like I really should try to find someone. It’s so crazy cuz I’m 37. She’s 46. I think she’s sooooo beautiful but there are many beautiful women MY AGE or younger I’m sure I could find. But when I go out or go on dating websites.....I always compare every woman to her but I always feel that she is more beautiful.....even if in reality that might not be the case.

 

You have a really unhealthy obsession with this woman. I think you should get some therapy and/or consider finding a new job.

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LivingWaterPlease

This is not the type of person who will be happy with anyone as she is selfish and has made that very clear by her behavior toward you.

 

To sit on your couch with a short skirt on, show her bra and panties, put her legs up on you and show you sexy photos of herself is, imo, narcissistic and also cruel.

 

Could you find another job? If so, I advise you to do it.

 

Also, be advised that the relationship she's now in most likely won't last and even if you cut ties with her, she very likely may reach out to you when this relationship is over. In the meantime, though, get into therapy if you need to, in order to learn how to overcome your propensity to allow her to mistreat you the way she does.

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This is not the type of person who will be happy with anyone as she is selfish and has made that very clear by her behavior toward you.

 

To sit on your couch with a short skirt on, show her bra and panties, put her legs up on you and show you sexy photos of herself is, imo, narcissistic and also cruel.

 

Could you find another job? If so, I advise you to do it.

 

Also, be advised that the relationship she's now in most likely won't last and even if you cut ties with her, she very likely may reach out to you when this relationship is over. In the meantime, though, get into therapy if you need to, in order to learn how to overcome your propensity to allow her to mistreat you the way she does.

 

 

You know what? I never looked at it that way (what she did to me on the couch). And when she made the comment to me a week ago that she is not “physically attracted” to me......I brought up that night to her. Basically asking her why was she all over me that night and teasing me by flashing her panties and torturing me with those photos if she was NOT “physically attracted” to me? Her response was “you’re right. That was a mistake.”

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CautiouslyOptimistic
You know what? I never looked at it that way (what she did to me on the couch). And when she made the comment to me a week ago that she is not “physically attracted” to me......I brought up that night to her. Basically asking her why was she all over me that night and teasing me by flashing her panties and torturing me with those photos if she was NOT “physically attracted” to me? Her response was “you’re right. That was a mistake.”

 

A drunk mistake? This was after a concert, right? As another poster pointed out, this woman is a HOT MESS.

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A drunk mistake? This was after a concert, right? As another poster pointed out, this woman is a HOT MESS.

 

 

Correct. After a concert and alcohol was definitely involved.

 

BTW.....I’ve heard the term “Hot Mess” a bunch in my life but I’ve never really known the exact meaning. What does it mean in regards to this woman?

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OK I dated someone just like your ex. Here's what I learned:

 

1. Your not in love with her like you think. Your used to the intense up and down of the relationship. When its good you feel AWSOME. When its not you feel HORRIBLE. So you crave that.

2. She's ALWAYS looking for an upgrade. Doesn't matter who it is she's always looking down the road for a "better" man.

3.She contradicts everything she says because most of what she says isn't true or only half true.

4.The more attention you give her the less respect she has for you.

5. Almost every relationship she has had SHE screwed up. And yet when she tells how it went down she somehow is the VICTIM.

6. And this one you need to pay attention to: she has no morals. She does what she wants says what she says and does not care who she hurts in the process.

 

The only way to get away from this is to go NC with her. And believe me she will attempt to shower you with attention if you do that because she is the type of person who has to have the last word no matter how she gets it.

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LivingWaterPlease
You know what? I never looked at it that way (what she did to me on the couch). And when she made the comment to me a week ago that she is not “physically attracted” to me......I brought up that night to her. Basically asking her why was she all over me that night and teasing me by flashing her panties and torturing me with those photos if she was NOT “physically attracted” to me? Her response was “you’re right. That was a mistake.”

 

She lied. It was no mistake, my friend. It was all manipulation to boost her ego that she had the power to excite you.

 

Rainmkr555, this is not a person who is capable of having reciprocal relationships. She is needy of validation and attention and, imo, that's what all her posing is about.

 

Right now she's basking in the attention of a new man. At some point she'll feel the need of attention from yet another man. Before that happens, though, when her present relationship ends up souring, she may be back knocking on your door. I hope you don't let her in next time! If you don't let her back in, though, she may have an epiphany! That being you are her one true love! Until you capitulate and open your heart to her again. Then, of course, she'll toss you aside! Her need will have been to prove she's desirable to you and still has the power to reel you back in!

 

She's going to respect you only when you no longer allow her to toy with you!

Edited by LivingWaterPlease
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