I can’t stop replaying everything in my head

[VentiMan]

Girlfriend of 8 months broke up with me 3 weeks ago this Wednesday.

 

I didn’t see it coming, she did a 180 in one week and now here I am.

 

In the beginning everything was great, maybe a month in is when the fights started. When she’s tired/hungry/drunk/buzzed she gets angry and that’s when all the fights would happen. I would keep my cool and not raise my voice but I was fuming inside. She would get mad over things that I think are ridiculous, such as:

 

-She went to hold my hand but fumbled with it. So I tried to be funny and fumbled her hand in mine while making some noises. This caused a huge argument about me not wanting to hold her hand.

-I parked 15 minutes outside the city and took an Uber in to meet her (I drive a big truck and hate parking in the city during the weekend) and this caused a huge huge fight about how I didn’t want to see her, how big of a waste of time it was etc. I admit it was dumb but to yell at me and say she feels uncomfortable around me because of it? She also accused me of cheating that night because she saw me delete a text at 2 in the morning. Which I told her it was a text saying our driver was outside. And it was.

-A huge fight where I slipped and called her crazy because we were hanging with her best friend and her boyfriend at a bonfire. I was talking to him and my girlfriend was taking to her friend. Apparently I wasn’t acting like myself and was ignoring my girlfriend. In my mind it was a group setting and I was chatting to everyone. I just wasn’t attached at my girlfriends hip. So she made us leave early because she felt uncomfortable with me. She later yelled at me accusing me of being gay because of those 2 hours we were with them.

 

These are only some of the fights. She would get pissed if I didn’t show enough PDA which I’m not a big fan of. But I love her so I would always try to be touching her or something just to make her happy. She also said we didn’t Taj enough. Which I think is silly. We saw each other twice a week for hours. We would text throughout the day and maybe even a phone call once or twice a week. My job is hands on so I can’t answer my phone all the time and she is busy with her job and studying.

 

She said we were bad at communicating. She didn’t get my humor. That I was judge mental. And I’m just in awe. The communication part doesn’t make sense. It was all because I didn’t tell her yet that I was starting to be unhappy with my job. I told her everything else about it though but it wasn’t good enough. I asked EVERYONE I know if I was judge mental and they all said no.

 

I’m just confused. I loved her, I showed so much love. Wrote notes. Got gifts. Took her out. I’m a massage therapist so I was always rubbing her feet/hands/arms/legs/neck. I set up private massages outside with candles and everything. Gave her romantic actual massages that lasted 2 hours and I loved it. This is just how I show love but I guess it wasn’t good enough. Our last date I took her to a drive in movie theater. Turned the back of my truck into a bed with lots of pillows/blankets. Food and wine, it was amazing. Only for her to dump me 4 days later. I didn’t see it coming honestly.

 

I guess I’m just looking for validation of her acting wild picking these fights. She has a very dark past relating to family issues, past relationships and death so maybe it’s abandoment issues?

 

I just needed to vent. Hope everyone had a good Sunday.

[Downtown]

I guess I’m just looking for validation of her acting wild picking these fights. She has a very dark past relating to family issues, past relationships and death so maybe it’s abandonment issues?

Venti, perhaps so. The irrational jealousy you mention is a warning sign for a strong abandonment fear. Moreover, several behaviors you describe -- i.e., insecurity, verbal abuse, controlling actions, irrational jealousy, and anger issues -- are some of the warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Importantly, I'm not suggesting that your exGF exhibits full-blown BPD (only a professional can determine that). Rather, I'm suggesting she might be exhibiting moderate to strong symptoms of BPD.

 

Of course, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your exGF's issues. Although strong BPD symptoms are easy to spot, only a professional can determine whether they are so severe as to constitute full-blown BPD. Yet, like learning warning signs for a stroke or heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., avoid taking her back and avoid running into the arms of another woman who is just like her.

 

I therefore suggest you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs to see if most sound very familiar. If so, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If those descriptions ring many bells and raise questions, I would be glad to discuss them with you.

[Highndry]

Downtown nailed it on this one. Run fast and far.

[HumanMachine]

Spot on Downtown

[VentiMan]

Wow. I’ve read that list multiple times and am in awe. She has shown most of those symptoms. But like you said everyone does. But with her it resonates more.

 

I’m going through a weird phase where I’m constantly blaming myself for the fights. I only thought about abandonment/bpd issues after the breakup when a client started talking about it.

 

Even though the fights were ridiculous I’m still blaming myself, like I’m a terrible person for making her have these freak outs. I should have been better. This is my struggle at the moment. I don’t know how to stop this thinking.

 

I would ask to try a certain something in bed (anal) and she would always say “if you’re nice to me then we can try it” so I guess that adds to me feeling like I was really rude to her all the time and all the fights were actually my fault for not being good enough. And I know I wasn’t but I’m thinking like I was.

 

My brain is messing with me.

[elaine567]

... maybe a month in is when the fights started. When she’s tired/hungry/drunk/buzzed she gets angry and that’s when all the fights would happen.

 

That was when you should have ended it, at a month in you should have been super loved up, not trying to defend yourself from her bad moods.

Dating is supposed to be comfortable and easy, nothing easy there.

[ericlongely]

She sounds Narcissistic from over herr. Either way you dodged a bullet. Doesn't sound like anything you could of done to make her happy.

[VentiMan]

That was when you should have ended it, at a month in you should have been super loved up, not trying to defend yourself from her bad moods.

Dating is supposed to be comfortable and easy, nothing easy there.

 

I should have. I was going to but I’m a wimp. I even said that to her one night. I said we shouldn’t be having fights like this early on. Her excuse was that “we don’t know each other, it’s going to take time” when we broke up she mentioned that she talked to all 6 of her best friends about us and she said that the relationship should be getting easier...when in my mind it should have been easier to begin with

[Downtown]

I’m going through a weird phase where I’m constantly blaming myself for the fights.

Venti, if she is a BPDer (i.e., is on the upper third of the BPD spectrum), this self-doubt is to be expected. Indeed, it is common for the abused partners of BPDers to become so utterly confused that they cannot figure out what they seem to be doing wrong. Nothing will drive you crazier sooner than being repeatedly abused by a partner whom you know, to a certainty, must really love you. The reason is that you will be mistakenly convinced that, if only you can figure out what YOU are doing wrong, you can restore your partner to that wonderful human being you saw at the very beginning.

 

My brain is messing with me.

Again, if she is a BPDer, that confusion is to be expected. Because BPDers typically are convinced that the absurd allegations coming out of their mouths are absolutely true -- they generally have a greater "crazy-making" effect than can ever be achieved by narcissists or sociopaths.

 

This is why that, of the 157 mental disorders listed in the APA's diagnostic manual, BPD is the one most notorious for making the abused partners feel like they may be losing their minds. And this is largely why therapists typically see far more of those abused partners -- coming in to find out if they are going insane -- than they ever see of the BPDers themselves.

 

Even though the fights were ridiculous I’m still blaming myself, like I’m a terrible person for making her have these freak outs.

As noted above, it is natural to blame yourself when a loved one is very angry with you. Because you know that she truly loves you, it is clear that she really does believe the accusation coming out of her mouth. The result is that it is common for the abused partners to drive themselves nearly crazy trying to figure out what THEY are doing wrong.

 

I only thought about abandonment/bpd issues after the breakup when a client started talking about it.

Of the nine defining symptoms for BPD, the very first one in the list is "Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment." See 9 BPD Traits at NIMH. If your exGF is a BPDer, her greatest fear is of abandonment. Consequently, a BPDer often sees threats of abandonment in common, every day events that really pose no threat at all. Moreover, a BPDer lives in fear that, even if you really do seem to love her at this moment in time, you will immediately abandon her as soon as you discover how empty and worthless she is on the inside.

 

She also accused me of cheating that night because she saw me delete a text at 2 in the morning.

A great fear of abandonment typically is manifested as irrational jealousy over harmless events -- e.g., your deleting a text to the Uber driver or spending time with friends or close relatives (which she mistakenly interprets as your choosing THEM over HER).

 

She would get mad over things that I think are ridiculous.

"Inappropriate, intense anger or problems controlling anger" is another one of the nine defining symptoms for BPD. If your exGF is a BPDer, she carries enormous anger inside from early childhood. You therefore don't have to do a thing to CREATE the anger. Rather, you only have to do or say some minor thing that will TRIGGER a release of anger that is already there. This is why a BPDer can burst into a hissy fit in only ten seconds over very minor actions or comments. Moreover, BPDers have very weak control over their emotions. Indeed, the key defining characteristic of BPD is the inability to regulate one's own emotions.

 

She said we were bad at communicating.

Perhaps so. Yet, if she is a BPDer, the main problem is not communication but, rather, the position of the BPDer's two great fears -- abandonment and engulfment -- at the opposite ends of the very same spectrum. This means you are always in a lose/lose situation because, as you back away from one fear to avoid triggering it, you will start triggering the fear at the other end of that same spectrum.

 

Hence, as you move close to a BPDer to comfort her and assure her of your love, you will start triggering her engulfment fear, making her feel like she's being suffocated and controlled by you. She therefore will create a fight -- over absolutely nothing at all -- to push you away. Yet, as you back away to give her breathing space, you will find that you've started triggering her abandonment fear. Sadly, there is no midpoints solution (between "too close" and "too far away") where you can safely stand to avoid triggering those two fears. I know because I foolishly spent 15 years searching for that Goldilocks position, which simply does not exist.

 

She has a very dark past relating to family issues.

If she exhibits strong BPD traits, that troubled family history is not unexpected. A recent survey of nearly 35,000 American adults found that 70% of the full-blown BPDers reported they had been abused or abandoned in childhood.

[healing light]

This lady is crazy. You called it like it is. Next!

[VentiMan]

Venti, if she is a BPDer (i.e., is on the upper third of the BPD spectrum), this self-doubt is to be expected. Indeed, it is common for the abused partners of BPDers to become so utterly confused that they cannot figure out what they seem to be doing wrong. Nothing will drive you crazier sooner than being repeatedly abused by a partner whom you know, to a certainty, must really love you. The reason is that you will be mistakenly convinced that, if only you can figure out what YOU are doing wrong, you can restore your partner to that wonderful human being you saw at the very beginning.

 

Of the nine defining symptoms for BPD, the very first one in the list is "Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment." See 9 BPD Traits at NIMH. If your exGF is a BPDer, her greatest fear is of abandonment. Consequently, a BPDer often sees threats of abandonment in common, every day events that really pose no threat at all. Moreover, a BPDer lives in fear that, even if you really do seem to love her at this moment in time, you will immediately abandon her as soon as you discover how empty and worthless she is on the inside.

 

A great fear of abandonment typically is manifested as irrational jealousy over harmless events -- e.g., your deleting a text to the Uber driver or spending time with friends or close relatives (which she mistakenly interprets as your choosing THEM over HER).

 

"Inappropriate, intense anger or problems controlling anger" is another one of the nine defining symptoms for BPD. If your exGF is a BPDer, she carries enormous anger inside from early childhood. You therefore don't have to do a thing to CREATE the anger. Rather, you only have to do or say some minor thing that will TRIGGER a release of anger that is already there. This is why a BPDer can burst into a hissy fit in only ten seconds over very minor actions or comments. Moreover, BPDers have very weak control over their emotions. Indeed, the key defining characteristic of BPD is the inability to regulate one's own emotions.

 

Perhaps so. Yet, if she is a BPDer, the main problem is not communication but, rather, the position of the BPDer's two great fears -- abandonment and engulfment -- at the opposite ends of the very same spectrum. This means you are always in a lose/lose situation because, as you back away from one fear to avoid triggering it, you will start triggering the fear at the other end of that same spectrum.

 

I appreciate your help. It means a lot. I’m still beating myself up but I’m listening to your words and repeating everything to myself.

 

Now I can’t stop but think of the times where I have left after a fight and how it affected her. There was a few times where at the end of the argument she would tell me to leave, or say that she was uncomfortable around me and I would drive away only to come back 5-10 minutes later. In total I think I drove away maybe 3-4 times. Once because she yelled at me saying if I don’t care about her than why the f*ck am I here, to leave. And I couldn’t believe she said that, started to cry and I actually left only to come back.

 

The fights were ridiculous but now I feel completely responsible for making her feel abandoned by leaving after arguments. If only I didn’t do that and stayed with her.

 

This is so incredibly frustrating. I’ll feel better about it for a few days and then bang. I realize something or get stuck on something.

 

I almost just texted her for the first time in 24 days apologizing for those times where I did leave. I still want to do it..

[Downtown]

The fights were ridiculous but now I feel completely responsible for making her feel abandoned by leaving after arguments. If only I didn’t do that and stayed with her.

Venti, if she is a BPDer, you are not harming her by leaving. Rather, you are harming her by staying in the home with her. As I tried to explain above, your presence in the home serves as a continual trigger for her two fears. You cannot avoid triggering a BPDer's two fears. When you draw close, you trigger her engulfment fear. And, when you back off to give space, you trigger the BPDer's abandonment fear. If I'm not explaining this clearly enough, please ask me questions and I'll try to say it more clearly.

 

The bottom line is that, if she is a BPDer, your feeling "completely responsible" for making her feel abandoned or engulfed is ONLY A FEELING. You don't have to believe your own feelings. As a mature man, you are able to intellectually challenge them. Some you will intellectually accept and some you will ignore. Although the feeling hurts badly, you do not have to accept it as reflecting reality.

[VentiMan]

Venti, if she is a BPDer, you are not harming her by leaving. Rather, you are harming her by staying in the home with her. As I tried to explain above, your presence in the home serves as a continual trigger for her two fears. You cannot avoid triggering a BPDer's two fears. When you draw close, you trigger her engulfment fear. And, when you back off to give space, you trigger the BPDer's abandonment fear. If I'm not explaining this clearly enough, please ask me questions and I'll try to say it more clearly.

 

You are explaining it perfectly. The thing holding me back is the word “if”

 

Even though in my mind she fits the criteria of a BPDer there is still a chance that she isn’t. And that is what I can’t get past in my head and that is why I’m having these feelings

[Highndry]

You are explaining it perfectly. The thing holding me back is the word “if”

 

Even though in my mind she fits the criteria of a BPDer there is still a chance that she isn’t. And that is what I can’t get past in my head and that is why I’m having these feelings

 

I look at it this way: I really don't care what my ex has or doesn't have. After reading everything Downtown posted I was able to realize that I was a fool for thinking I could have done anything differently or changed a thing, and that the relationship was doomed from the start.

 

I found a cartoon online about BPD, and it showed a guy standing in front of two doors. The first door said "damned if I do," the second door said "damned if I don't."

[VentiMan]

Thanks guys. I really appreciate it

[Downtown]

Wow. I’ve read that list multiple times and am in awe. She has shown most of those symptoms. But like you said everyone does. But with her it resonates more.

Before you graduated high school, you already could identify the selfish and very grandiose classmates -- without knowing how to diagnose Narcissistic PD. You could identify the class drama queen -- without being able to diagnose Histrionic PD. You could spot the kids having no respect for laws or other peoples' property or feelings -- without diagnosing Antisocial PD. And you could recognize the very shy and over-sensitive classmates -- without diagnosing Avoidant PD. Similarly, you will be able to spot strong BPD symptoms when they occur.

 

Whereas diagnosis is the province of professionals, spotting symptoms is the province of laymen. By definition, a symptom is something that the lay public is able to spot fairly easily. This is why, when laymen are unable to spot the effects of a disease or disorder, it is said to be "asymptomatic," i.e., "without symptoms."

 

The thing holding me back is the word “if.” Even though in my mind she fits the criteria of a BPDer there is still a chance that she isn’t. And that is what I can’t get past in my head and that is why I’m having these feelings.

Venti, you are now realizing that learning about your exGF's problem (BPD) and your own problem (excessive caregiving) is the easy part. What is difficult is internalizing that understanding, i.e., transforming knowledge into wisdom, which requires that your feelings catch up with your intellectual thoughts. Closing that gap will take time.

 

Like you, I faced the same nagging doubts when my BPDer exW betrayed me at the end of our 15-year marriage. Simply stated, I found that I had to persuade the intuitive "child" part of my mind that the intellectual understanding by the logical "adult" part of my mind is correct. I had to close the huge gap between my feelings and rational thoughts so that, at a gut level, I truly believed that my intellectual insights were true.

 

Because I had been in a 15 year relationship, it took me at least a year to bring my child's feelings into close alignment with my adult's understanding. After just two weeks of intense reading on the Internet, I had a pretty good understanding of what I needed to do to get out of the toxic relationship and why I needed to do it. Yet, because my child was over a year behind my adult, the child sabotaged my every effort to break away.

 

It hindered me with nagging doubts, terrible guilt, and a strong feeling of obligation. It kept telling me that the theory floating around in the adult part of my mind was an insufficient basis on which to wholly abandon a loved one. I was having trouble -- as you say -- with the "if" part of "if she is a BPDer." Even after I had left her, I still refused to go No Contact for eight more months, at which point I finally realized she is incapable of ever being my friend.

 

It seems that -- for all healthy adults -- the inner child makes at least 90% (if not 95%) of the important decisions. I was 50 years old before I understood that simple notion. And it took me 12 years to do it. What happened was that, for 12 years, I took my bipolar foster son to a weekly family group meeting with the psychologist who was treating him. Whenever the psych challenged me on something, I always had an elaborate well-thought-out explanation for doing whatever I had chosen to do. Never mind that what I had chosen was not working with my foster son and never mind that I kept repeating the same pattern year after year.

 

The psych was always greatly amused by my explanations. He would laugh and point out, in his kindly fashion, that my elaborate rationalizations could not disguise the fact that my inner child -- not my adult -- was calling all the shots, making nearly all the decisions. In any contest between the adult and child, he claimed, the child would almost always win. But I just could not swallow that concept.

 

Yet, after twelve years of his gentle rebukes, it dawned on me one night -- right as I was about to drift asleep -- why he had to be right. My inner child, I suddenly realized, is the sole judge of what is fun and what is not fun. That decision is all powerful. The adult part of my mind will nearly always conclude that it makes no sense -- indeed, would be preposterous -- to do something, go somewhere, or date someone I do not enjoy. My adult logic thus nearly always has to end up in the lap of my inner child.

 

Simply stated, I had to persuade my child that my adult views of my ex's illness and my own codependency are correct. Had I failed in that effort, I would have remained stuck in a destructive pattern, repeating my past mistakes over and over, because my child will be calling nearly all the shots. This, at least, has been my experience, Venti.

[VentiMan]

I just saw her on bumble. That part didn’t phase me. What did is what she wrote

 

Her profile at the bottom says “looking for someone who is passionate”

 

For some reason I broke and looked at her Instagram. Our picture is still up there but her bio now says

 

“Invest in those who invest with you”

 

And the day she dumped me she liked a photo that said “Be a boss,date a boss, build an empire”

 

I can’t help but feel these are all jabs at me. I literally feel like the biggest piece of sh*t right now. Like everything was my fault. I just want to lay in bed and wait to die......

 

I know what downtown said but I feel like I’m going to crack and send her something. It’s 11pm and I’m physically shaking from anger/sadness/everything.

 

I just needed to vent so I wouldn’t send her a message

[Downtown]

I just needed to vent so I wouldn’t send her a message.

Venting is a good thing. I hope it works for you tonight. Chances are favorable because you're so good at venting! After all, that's how you got your name.

[VentiMan]

Venting is a good thing. I hope it works for you tonight. Chances are favorable because you're so good at venting! After all, that's how you got your name.

 

 

Didn’t contact her. I never thought about my name until you mentioned it lol

 

Did you have self doubts like this? Did you ever feel the urge to apologize when dealing with your peBPD after the split? I’m trying to figure out why I feel this way and what I can do to stop blaming myself. I feel like after spending so much time with her she made me feel like everything really is my fault. During our breakup conversation we only talked about me and what I didn’t do to make the relationship successful. I’m taking blame for my part (walking away during certain fights (but coming right back after cooler heads prevailed)/mentally checking out (I still tried my hardest and even though I was mentally checking out towards the end I didn’t stop courting her or doing the things I’ve always done) and I think taking that blame is a healthy way to move on but I’m still hung up about feeling like everything was my fault.

 

I really appreciate everything you’re writing Downtown, you are one of a kind for taking this time to help others.

[preraph]

She sounds confrontational and unhappy and she's just not a good match for you (or possibly anyone).

 

Better luck next one.

[Downtown]

Did you have self doubts like this? Did you ever feel the urge to apologize when dealing with your peBPD after the split? I’m trying to figure out why I feel this way and what I can do to stop blaming myself.

Venti, yes, I had lots of self doubts. There are several reason why it is so painful and difficult to walk away from a BPDer relationship. First, as I noted in post #16, it took over a year for my intuitive feelings to catch up with my intellectual understanding of what I was dealing with.

 

Second, walking away from a BPDer feels like you are walking away from a sick young child who, despite her periodic tantrums, dearly loves you. It is common to have this feeling of abandoning a young child because a BPDer typically has the emotional development of a four year old. Moreover, whereas a narcissist and a sociopath are unable to love, a BPDer is able to love very intensely. It is an immature form of love, however, and thus falls far short of what is required to sustain a mature adult relationship.

 

Third, whereas narcissists and sociopaths manipulate you with deliberate lies, a BPDer usually believes most of the outrageous allegations coming out of her mouth. Because her feelings are so intense, she is absolutely convinced they MUST be correct. Moreover, that sincerity and conviction usually will be obvious to you (and to the police if she ever calls them to arrest you). Hence, because you know she loves you and truly believes most of her allegations, you mistakenly assume that -- if you can only figure out what YOU are doing wrong -- you can restore the R/S to that wonderful bliss and passion you saw at the beginning.

 

A fourth reason -- especially for excessive caregivers like you and me -- is that a BPDer relationship gives us an opportunity to experience the intoxicating feeling of being the nearly perfect man who has ridden in on a white horse to save the maiden from unhappiness. As we discussed last year, our need to be needed far exceeds our need to be loved. We therefore are strongly attracted to a child-like woman who can project her vulnerability across a crowded room. Indeed, if you ever see a Marilyn Monroe movie, you will see a BPDer woman who could project enormous vulnerability right off of a flat movie screen.

 

Finally, a fifth reason is that, because a BPDer so completely mirrors the best aspects of your personality and your preferences, you both mistakenly believe that you have found your "soulmate." Hence, even we you later start to question that intense feeling intellectually, you still have to fight against the intense feeling that she is somehow perfect for you -- and destined to be your mate.

 

I’m still hung up about feeling like everything was my fault.

Venti, given that you are still feeling so guilty and may be tempted to reconcile with your exGF, I offer several suggestions for reducing your pain and for dealing with the nagging doubts.

 

First, I suggest you see a psychologist -- for just one or two visits -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you've been dealing with over the past year when you dated your exGF. Your best chance of getting a candid opinion regarding a possible BPD diagnosis is to NOT have the BPDer along. Therapists generally are loath to tell a high functioning BPDer the name of her disorder -- for her own protection.

 

This usually is true even when you are paying the bill and attending some of the sessions. Hence, to obtain a candid assessment, it is important to see a psychologist who is ethically bound to protect only your interests, not hers. Relying on your exGF's therapist for advice would be as foolish as relying on her attorney for advice during a divorce.

 

Second, I suggest you read Stop Walking on Eggshells. If your exGF is a BPDer, that book likely will address many of your concerns.

 

Third, I suggest you start participating (or at least lurking) at BPDfamily.com -- the largest and most active BPD forum focused on the spouses and family members of BPDers. It offers a dozen separate message boards on various BPD issues. The one that likely will be most helpful to you is the Detaching from a Failed Relationship board.

 

Fourth, while you are at BPDfamily.com, I suggest you read the excellent articles in their resources section. I suggest you start with Surviving a Breakup with Someone Suffering with BPD and the article, No Contact: The Right Way. Another good article is Pain of Breaking Up at the Psychology Today website.

 

Fifth, for tips on how to establish and enforce strong personal boundaries with a BPDer, I recommend an online blog by a psychiatric nurse. It provides 20 tips to nurses on how they can best deal with obstinate BPDer patients. It is located at BPD on the Behavioral Unit. If you think you have it bad, remember that those psychiatric nurses have to deal with many BPDers for hours every work day.

 

Sixth, I suggest you read an explanation of how we excessive caregivers get to be this way during our childhood. The best explanation I've found is Shari Schreiber's article at Do You Love to be Needed?. Schreiber argues that, due to childhood dynamics with our parents, our desire to be needed (for what we can do) FAR exceeds our desire to be loved (for the men we already are). The last half of her article is the most insightful part it.

 

Finally Venti, please don't forget those of us here on LoveShack. We want to keep trying to answer your questions and providing emotional support as long as you find our shared experiences helpful. Moreover, by sharing your own experiences, you likely are helping numerous other members and lurkers. Indeed, your thread has already attracted over 800 views.

[Nadine123]

I don't really think it's a nice thing for some people here to be calling her crazy and all that if she really is suffering from a mental illness.

[Downtown]

Nadine, I agree with you that Venti is not describing crazy behavior. As used by the lay public, the terms "crazy" and "deranged" generally mean that a person has lost touch with physical reality -- e.g., believing they are being personally addressed by the TV news announcer. This behavior typically is seen only in a small share of mental disorders, e.g., in psychosis and schizophrenia.

 

In contrast, people suffering from a personality disorder like BPD see physical reality just fine. What is distorted is their perception of other peoples' intentions and motivations. If that distortion were to be called "crazy," then we all would have to be called "crazy" because everybody experiences those very same distortions whenever having very intense feelings. BPDers have the burden of dealing with intense feelings (and hence the resulting distortions) more frequently because they are unable to regulate their own emotions.

[Thingsfallapart]

I broke up with my BPD partner who had BPD in September. I only found out after September that she had BPD. I only recently went NC after we both went in and out of each others lives.

 

Downtown I have found a lot of your replies excellent. Thank you very much.

 

The thing about girls with BPD is that you know they are awful but for some reason you are addicted to them.

 

Even nearly 5 months after I’m still thinking about her a lot. Even though she has a bf came back to me and tagged me along as her back up or something. God only knows what she wants.

[Downtown]

The thing about girls with BPD is that you know they are awful but for some reason you are addicted to them.

Things, thanks so much for the kind words. Actually, BPDers are not "awful" people. If they were, nobody would become addicted to them. A BPDer's problem is not being "awful" or "bad" but, rather, emotionally unstable. Like a young child, a BPDer's behavior typically alternates between being splendidly wonderful and downright awful.

 

The vast majority of BPDers are high functioning individuals whose anger and fears are triggered only by loved ones and very close friends. Nobody else poses a threat to their fears of abandonment and intimacy. They therefore typically get along fine with everyone else. Generally, I find most BPDers to be far more fun to be around than the Nons (nonBPDers).

 

If I had to choose between going to a party full of BPDers or Nons, I would choose the BPDers every time. They generally are much more fun to be around. It therefore is not surprising that two of the world's most beloved women -- Marilyn Monroe and Princess Diana -- both exhibited full-blown BPD if their biographers are correct.