Really struggling with this breakup!

[Chewbacca1974]

After 2 1/2 years together she decided to call it a day just over a month ago (Oct 6th) something I did see coming.

 

Basically over the last 12 months she become distant, pulling away, not as affectionate as she was when we first met. Me being a Love addiction I kept trying to find out what was wrong which may have led to her feeling a bit smothered.

 

I recently read about a "LOVE AVOIDANT" It's where the person at first can come across all fine and so into the relationship but the minute they realise they are getting to heavy they back away and it turns into a toxic relationship, basically a cycle of addict feeling they have done something wrong and getting closer and the avoidant pulling away/making signs they are not happy (signs I did not see or chose to ignore)

 

 

Now here is my problem...I'm struggling because of the lack of communication, yes we are over, it's been 6 weeks and only recently I contacted her to ask her how shes keeping, this was the message I sent:

 

Sorry if I should not be messaging you! and if if makes things worse (please tell me if it does) - suppose I just wanted to break the ice after having 2 1/2 years together and most important to see how you are with things, not easy losing someone.

I'll be honest I'm having some downs after everything but that's me being honest with you.

 

Reply from her:

 

 

No, it’s good to hear from you. I think about you often, wondering how you are. Yes, I’m having ups & downs too.

First couple of weeks after I felt a weight had been lifted as things had got so heavy but then that settled down leading to ups & downs. It’s hard on your own, & filling your diary every day is impossible, as hard as I try! People have their own lives making it even more prevalent that you’re on your own!

 

I know I'm not the only one going through this, she is too....but I'm shocked it has come to us breaking up, I struggling to move on and accept this breakup..she keeps saying to me, what's meant to be won't pass you by...so I hope that one day we will be back together.

 

My final message back to her (few days ago ) was:

 

I'm conscious I may be talking too much to you (I would like to), look if you ever want to talk please do yeah, don't be shy, you know me you can talk to me about anything, forget about what's happened to us (as difficult as that is I know), obliviously you know I didn't want to breakup but if you feel any different I mean't what I said we can start things at a steady pace.

 

#feelawallysayingthat - But I felt I had too xx

 

No reply to that..............

 

 

It's been 6 weeks as mentioned and I am heart broken!

 

I feel silly I broke the NC but felt I had to, trying to move on but can't..

 

 

What do I do guys & gals? do I take the no comment as it's completely over?

 

I hear that the 2 month mark is when Ex's can reach out if they still have any feelings/want to rekindle things?

 

See I'm hoping and clutching on straws that it's not over and not accepting the breakup.

 

Gutted

 

Chewy

[PegNosePete]

I hear that the 2 month mark is when Ex's can reach out if they still have any feelings/want to rekindle things?

Don't apply other people's breakups to your own. Each one is unique, each one is different. There is no rule book and no script that all dumpers follow.

 

What do I do guys & gals? do I take the no comment as it's completely over?

Yes. You said she could talk to you any time she wanted, and she chose not to. It's over.

[HumanMachine]

What on earth were those messages to her? Did you really send a hashtag?

[Chewbacca1974]

What was wrong with the messages ?

[HumanMachine]

What was wrong with the messages ?

 

They come across as needy, desperate and beta. Not being rude but I can see why she didn’t reply.

[Chewbacca1974]

Thanks for being honest

[sunny-face]

I’m sorry to hear of your breakup. It isn’t easy and it takes time to mend a broken heart. You were together for a good amount of time and this is difficult to bounce back from. Take some time out for yourself and keep your stress level down, if you can. Engage in activities that you enjoy. Find some distractions that will help alleviate some of your pain. Do you have friends and family that you can hang out with or call on the phone. Support and encouragement are most helpful when we are feeling sad and lonely. I hope you are able to find some relief soon!

[chinadiary]

They come across as needy, desperate and beta. Not being rude but I can see why she didn’t reply.

 

 

 

I wouldn't worry about appearing needy. If you've loved someone and it's over, she'll understand. We've all been in pain from a failed relationship. It's nor beta, it's human.

[JimmyNYC]

My advice is that if you want to try again and cannot move on until it's over over over with her, then you need to send less ambiguous and confusing messages to her. Don't beat around the bush fishing around passively and testing to see what SHE does or what she will initiate. Not at this point. It's confusing, submissive and weak. you should have messaged and just been direct with her. I'm a New Yorker. We are direct.

 

Something like:

 

"Hey I miss you. I'm sorry I'm contacting you but I feel like I can't live without you. If you haven't moved on and are having similar feelings can we meet, talk and see if we can work things out?"

 

Even if she rejects that she will at least she respect you being decisive, alpha and going after what you want.

[Captivating]

" sorry if I should not be messaging you " ...

Why are you apologizing for reaching out to her ?

Try to address your self esteem issues before moving on to the next relationship.

Learn and implement standards and boundaries in a healthy relationship.

You are a MAN, you need to convey confidence, need to be self assured.

(Not cocky , not bossy)

Start to go to a gym 2-3 times a week then 4-5 times a week, you will feel so much better because of the accomplishments. Read every night, there are great books out there. Start to learn some healthy veggie recipes You can impress women with your new skills in the kitchen. Look into a hobby you are interested in ... start to occupy yourself !!!

 

She decided that it's over, you have already reached out, told her what you wanted to, let her be.

I know it's hard, but please move on.

[Highndry]

About the only hope a dumpee ever really has to get the dumper back, and it's still a longshot because the dumper has lost interest, is playing their cards right when the breakup happens. This means accepting it immediately, appearing indifferent and not showing any signs of being upset, and going no contact period.

 

When the shocked dumper starts scratching their head wondering what's going on and why this person wasn't even affected, they contact them to find out. The dumpee then says something like "Why are you contacting me? Unless you just realized the huge mistake you made by dumping me and have decided you want to talk to me to see if I'll take you back, I do not EVER want to hear from you again. Now kindly leave me alone so I can move on." While this is certainly uncommon, it's probably the best case scenario because otherwise those feelings the dumper once had are long gone.

Edited November 16, 2017 by Highndry

[HumanMachine]

Start to learn some healthy veggie recipes

 

Or healthy meat/fish recipes..?

[Jdoublenn]

What do I do guys & gals? do I take the no comment as it's completely over?

 

 

I think it doesn't mean anything except she's not ready. Either not ready to get back with you, possibly eve. Or she's just not ready to talk.

 

Take the "no reply" as a sign to go back to NC and stick to it. No more messaging. She will either message when she's ready(if she wants to talk), or she's really just over it and it just wasn't meant to be.

 

Good luck!

[Chewbacca1974]

Thanks for all your replies, it really does help.

 

I did get a reply;

 

 

Basically things are still too fresh to make a balanced decision so it’s not wise to decide anything now. That is for the good of the both of us. I can’t put us through that again.

 

 

 

I totally understand this reply and happier in myself going forward whether which way the road takes me. I’m going to do exactly as I’ve been advised by many, start looking after me, gym etc something which is a no brainier! Why should I let myself get upset/drag me down when i cannot do anything about it. Not my decision and it shouldn’t be really should it.

 

X

[sunny-face]

Excellent...wishing you the best of luck!

[Chewbacca1974]

Hi Guys and gals,

 

The more the replies the better people, I really need some advise right now.

 

Some will have read some of my topics below but to put it together here is my story:

 

2.5 year relationship

 

This year been rocky and been living in a part time relationship, basically step backwards from living with my partner to then seeing her 3/4 times a week.

(I should’ve been happy with that but failed to cope having that huge step backwards)

 

Anyway October we separated, been over 2 months now.

 

Here is my question to you all...

 

She has been in contact but only when things need to changs hands, few bits and bobs at her place still.

 

Text and email messages seem longer, like she wants to get into a convo.

 

Last week she popped round to my new place and dropped off some bit.. 4 hours she was there for! Does this tell you all she has an interest still? Surely drop stuff off, cup of tea and then off!

Last night she messaged me to say what do you think of this, it was a School saying they are closing tomorrow (today) and she wanted my opinion what the school meant, she could’ve messaged anyone, sisters, friends etc but no she chooses me.

 

Am I clutching on straws here, is she just trying to be nice and putting me in friend zone?

 

Tonight she is dropping something else off but states it will be a flying visit.

 

I confronted her on the 4 hour visit and said, is it friends your looking for, her answer was; I’m not sure, I need time and be on my own. She said she cannot put us both through this again and needs to be 100% sure.

 

I left it with, you know where I am if you ever want to get together (maybe I should not have said this)

 

Help guys .. and gals... what do I do????

 

Chewy x may the force be with you people x

Edited December 12, 2017 by Chewbacca1974

[d0nnivain]

Change is hard especially at the holidays. I think it's more like a long good bye / ripping the bandaid off slowly then a full on desire to get back together. You are safe & she knows what to expect. She can spend 4 hours with you, not be lonely & it all feels familiar so she's not quite as alone. If it's keeping you from moving on, finalize the exchange of stuff & go NC.