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Are these issues reason to breakup or are they small?


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I have been with my girlfriend for 7 months. This is my first relationship. I love her so much, already she has helped me through some really difficult times and has dropped everything and been there in an instant for me. She makes me so happy and makes me feel amazing.

 

However it is not all perfect. As I have no other relationships to compare it to and I am still learning so much about being in love and myself etc, I don't know if these things are cause for concern or not.

 

1. She has a lot on her plate, is under a lot of pressure, struggles with the day-to-day things and often is pessimistic and complains. I try to encourage her to look on the bright side as I just want her to be happy. In other words she is a bit pathetic and finds it hard to deal with some simple things. It makes me sad and I can't explain why, I don't want to feel pity or frustration at her but it is there sometimes.

 

2. She can get easily irritated and sometimes snaps at me in an aggressive way when she's tired or has pms. I find it really hurtful and unattractive. I always tell her this, and she listens, then gets very worried and upset as its the only issue we really have and she cares about us so much she doesn't want it to turn into a problem. She has improved her behaviour and thanks me for helping her see it, but it still happens if she's really hormonal or super tired.

The thing that worries me, is she can also do this to other people, like on the phone if she's frustrated or to a bus driver that won't accept her pass. She has also been abrasive to my friend when they were both drunk. It's an ugly way of behaving in my eyes, and again, not a good way of dealing with things.

 

3. She is quite anxious generally, and introverted. I'm also introverted to an extent but always make such an effort with anyone I meet and love meeting new people. If we're with her friends I make conversation but with mine, if she's in a bad mood she just won't say anything. It takes her a while to be comfortable round new people. It's not necessarily a problem, as our relationship is about us not my friends, but I would love for her to try more.

 

We have so many amazing times together and get on so so well. I can't believe I have found her and finally fallen in love, and she makes my life make sense. Do these issues sound like things to breakup over? I don't think I could be with her forever like this, but if she toughens up a bit and keeps improving her irritability and being open to my opinions on rational ways to act and communicate, which she is and wants to do, then maybe I could.

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How old are you two? She may mature & grow out of some of that. If she's over 25 she may be getting set in her ways. Everybody is kind of a jerk when they are young & trying to figure it out with the pressures of school.

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First rule of relationships...

 

DO NOT GO INTO A RELATIONSHIP EXPECTING THE PERSON TO CHANGE.

 

Yes I am yelling. Here is the deal. If you are with someone, and as you get to know them, don't spend time trying to change them or expecting them to change. YOU CAN'T CHANGE OTHER PEOPLE, AND YOU CAN'T CONTROL OTHER PEOPLE.

 

And I am not saying that you can't have a discussion about things that bother you. I am not saying that you can't tell them about a behavior that bothers you.

 

When you do this and you discuss things, you hope that they will understand that this behavior is really not desirable, but you cannot EXPECT them to change.

 

And if they don't, you have to decide if you can except the person the way that they are. If you cannot, you end it, if you can, then cool all is well.

 

And as young as you are, and this being your first relationship, odds are that it won't last forever. This is a time to grow and figure out what you want out of life and out of a relationship.

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No, they're not small issues. Negative people have away of bringing you down to their level. Best cure for someone who dumps their negativity on you - get them out of your life. If you find yourself criticising someone, or pussyfooting around their moods, pandering to them will just make it worse.

Edited by MsJayne
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I guess when she suffers negative consequences to her mood swings and depressing, pessimistic behavior, she'll make changes, but she won't be able to make those changes if she doesn't know, so you can be free to tell her that these behaviors bother you. Break up if she doesn't improve...no saying she will. She might end things first if you can't accept her for what she is.

 

If it's not working for you, you need to end it. She sounds like she's bringing you down.

 

Her behavior with your friends is bothersome to me. It's a problem that someone can't put a smile on their face and make the best of a situation they are in for a couple hours. She's great with her friends, moody with yours. Not good. At some point your friends will actively avoid inviting you to gatherings because you'll bring her, and she brings the mood down. If they tell you not to bring her, this could create a situation that is irreparable. If you tell your GF about this, it will create unfixable issues between her and them. You may side with your GF and avoid your friends, "we're a couple, take it or leave it," or avoid them because you don't want to tell her she's not invited, and you'll find yourself isolated without your own friends, only her and her friends...harder to leave.

 

As stated, you can't expect her to change, but you can tell her what behaviors bother you. She can make the choice to improve or not, and you make the choice to stay or go. She sounds extremely unpleasant, and it's exhausting trying to constantly build a person up and listening to whining, and the rude behavior is a real turnoff. She bites your head off too. She's old enough to understand her mood issues around her period or if she's tired. People tend to lash out at the people closest to them, they are safe, but that doesn't mean she gets a free ticket to kicking you. There has to be a balance. People get in moods, but she seems over the top.

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Stress and pms are not excuses for rudeness.

 

She wants to be this way because she keeps indulging it--otherwise, she'd be employing strategies to not do it, like counting to 10 or leaving the room before saying something messed up.

 

One day, she's going to do that to someone who is going to unzip the lizard on her and show her what being "stressed" or "pms-y" is really about.

 

You've told her already how her behavior impacts you. How many more times do you feel you need to remind her before you decide that she really doesn't want to change her tack?

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SunnySide0418

How old is she? This is very immature behavior. PM's is not an excuse. She needs to learn to control herself and her moods. She sounds like an angry person.

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We are both 21, so yeah quite young. To clarify, she's only snapped maybe 5 or 6 times, so about once a month. And its not so much biting my head off, more saying something like "urgh stop lying on my hair" in a snappy, nasty tone when I would myself prefer to say "sorry but it hurts my head a bit when you lie on it, hang on let me move a sec". Each time it happens she is devastated at herself as she's working so hard to adjust.

 

She doesn't bring the mood down with my friends, is just a bit shy I guess, she worries a bit to me after that she's making a bad impression and that she just doesn't know what to say sometimes. And I genuinely think she does suffer from really bad pms on just one day a month, as her bad mood is extreme and a huge contrast to her normal.

 

Thank you for all your advice everyone! Perhaps it sounds like I'm making excuses for her, I just don't want to lose her. I'm going to tell her that its beginning to become an issue for me and I'm going to really stop pandering to her moods.

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We are both 21, so yeah quite young. To clarify, she's only snapped maybe 5 or 6 times, so about once a month.

 

Let's crunch these numbers, shall we?

 

I have been with my girlfriend for 7 months.

 

And in 7 months and 6 times losing her mind, not once has she said to you or herself "I've got to figure out how to not lose my ever-loving mind because one day, it's going to push away this guy I really care about.."

 

And its not so much biting my head off, more saying something like "urgh stop lying on my hair" in a snappy, nasty tone when I would myself prefer to say "sorry but it hurts my head a bit when you lie on it, hang on let me move a sec". Each time it happens she is devastated at herself as she's working so hard to adjust.

 

Stop justifying bad behavior. She's grown, not 14. She can't choose how she feels once a month, but she damb sure chooses how to act and lash out.

 

She doesn't bring the mood down with my friends, is just a bit shy I guess, she worries a bit to me after that she's making a bad impression and that she just doesn't know what to say sometimes. And I genuinely think she does suffer from really bad pms on just one day a month, as her bad mood is extreme and a huge contrast to her normal
.

 

and there is medication for that. She's still on her folks' insurance--she needs to go make an appointment and talk to her doctor about her bad mood swings and pms so she can get on some kind of regiment to curb this.

 

Perhaps it sounds like I'm making excuses for her, I just don't want to lose her. I'm going to tell her that its beginning to become an issue for me and I'm going to really stop pandering to her moods.

 

If she makes no move towards finding a solution about this, then she's going to keep pushing you away to the point where you're not going to want to be bothered with her--if you have any thing like an emotionally healthy sense of your own well being.

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Everyone has a right to have a bad day once in awhile, but to be someone's constant whipping post is not good.

 

If you want to try, be there for her. Be her calm, be her support, give her space when she needs it. Offer a massage, offer to pour her a glass of wine and listen to her gripe about her day for about 10 mins to vent. Then turn the conversation onto positive things to give it a rest. PMS....chocolate, and a heated magic bag, snuggle on the couch, rub her feet. If you start to see results, that means she will see you as the escape from her madness of a life and not have a need to lash out to de-stress.

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I think people are overreacting a bit much here. She's hardly "losing her mind" nor is he her "constant whipping post". I mean...

 

To clarify, she's only snapped maybe 5 or 6 times, so about once a month. And its not so much biting my head off, more saying something like "urgh stop lying on my hair" in a snappy, nasty tone

 

Can all of you genuinely say that you have NEVER said something like this??? :confused: You must all live very charmed lives, if you can (and if it is actually true - most people don't tend to realize that they sound grumpy when they are feeling grumpy). I would say a minor snap like that once a month is perfectly NORMAL and an indicator of a 21-yo going through normal stressors of transitioning into adulthood and working. Obviously, if you are having huge raging arguments or she is screaming at you or personally attacking you once a month, or if she is snapping like that on a regular basis, then that would be a huge red flag... but "urgh, stop doing this" once a month? Nah. Admittedly this is slightly worrisome when you're in the honeymoon phase where everything is supposed to be all rosy, though - it may be OK now, but it's possible it may get worse later.

 

On the other hand, her getting moody and completely silent with your friends constantly would be a red flag for me. How often does she do that? Is her pessimism genuinely all-encompassing, or are we talking about the occasional vent about work (which is, again, perfectly normal)?

Edited by Elswyth
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I'm sorry you are experiencing this. Honesty and understanding each other's expectations are very central to an honest and trusting relationship. You should give her a lot of grace since she may under a lot of pressure and stress. I'll pray and stand with you that your future is bright with the woman that fulfills your needs and if your current girlfriend is the one in your future, God bless you both!

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If the OP is being truthful and not just making comments, can anyone really say they've never snapped at someone you spend a lot of time with? So she makes a slightly (and I mean really slightly) harsh comment once a month. And feels dreadful and apologises straight after. Can anyone say they are truly 100% positive and happy and on their best behaviour all the time? If so, that isn't really real life. I can be moody and it's not very pleasant to be honest. But I really try not to snap and remove myself to calm down when necessary. But sometimes it doesn't work out very well, or the person follows or wants to chat. After I've calmed down, I will apologise and I do feel badly about it. But people snap at me too and I understand and forgive. It's what people do.

 

It also sounds like she's trying with your friends but struggling. Not everyone is graced with good social skills, especially with new people. Again, it sounds like she recognises this and is trying to change. You need to try and support her and include her in conversations with your friends. Draw her in and help her participate in a way she is comfortable. I am assuming you aren't already doing this but if you are, maybe she isn't making enough effort.

 

At the end of the day, if you think these are reasons to break up, you're right, regardless of what anyone else says. Everyone has their own tolerances and what they will put up with. It clearly bothers you a lot or you wouldn't have made a post about it. When I was in love with my ex, there were a lot (LOT) of red flags that should have caused me to break up with him. But I was in love and they faded into the background for how much I wanted to be with him. These reasons are causing you to question your whole relationship. They don't sound like big things to me, but I'm not in your relationship. You've already decided you can't live with this long-term so maybe you should draw a line under it and leave. People don't fundamentally change.

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OP,

 

Your original post is quite schizophrenic. She is amazing and wonderful and the woman you've been looking for, BUT.... but she gets upset and snaps when she is tired and experiencing PMS. Snaps at your DRUNK friends. She has a lot on her plate, but struggles with day to day things. What things? Are they significant? Are you helping her like she helped you or are you pretending that her issues are not big, so trying to get her to conform to your view?

 

There are times, many, when spinning something and pushing a 'brighter' side is not what people want nor need. More often than not, people need you to be supportive and realistically involved.

 

Your #3 point is not at all a compelling reason to be concerned about. Provided you are being thorough, I don't see a girls who is out of control. She may be moody at times, but nothing that leads me to believe that there is anything 'off' about her.

 

I don't get it. It sounds to me that you want your gf to be like you. She's not.

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Can all of you genuinely say that you have NEVER said something like this???

 

When it comes to people that I care about, I can and do.

 

If I don't care about you and don't want a relationship in any form with you, I'll still be cordial until provoked, then I'll let it fire away.

 

I have all my life made it a point to never take things out on others because I had a hateful grandmother who would take her meanness out on me as a child. I know what it feels like to be on the receiving end of that mess and any person that I claim I care about, I will not do that to them.

 

You can be direct with someone you care about and still not be nasty. There is a difference that OP's girlfriend hasn't figured out, nor is she owed patience and an audience until she does. She's not a child.

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Sheesh. I am with Els on this. Massive overreactinons here!

 

I feel that some of the things in the original post are cause for concern but knowing that these "lashing out" incidences are along the lines of "urgh stop lying on my hair" makes me wonder if OP is being over sensitive.

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Sheesh. I am with Els on this. Massive overreactinons here!

 

I feel that some of the things in the original post are cause for concern but knowing that these "lashing out" incidences are along the lines of "urgh stop lying on my hair" makes me wonder if OP is being over sensitive.

 

Yeah i thought this too. It doesn't really sound like lashing out that much to me. If she was like this constantly, I'd say get away. But if it really is just a once a month thing...

 

I know a lot of people have suggested things to do for her when she has Pms. Personally. I tend to stay away around that time of the month and not poke the bear.

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Ruby Slippers

You both sound sensitive, making you a good match.

 

No woman wants to be with a man who coddles her too much. Women want a strong man with a backbone and self-respect.

 

When she's being difficult, take whatever space you need to maintain your own good mood.

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When it comes to people that I care about, I can and do.

 

If I don't care about you and don't want a relationship in any form with you, I'll still be cordial until provoked, then I'll let it fire away.

 

I have all my life made it a point to never take things out on others because I had a hateful grandmother who would take her meanness out on me as a child. I know what it feels like to be on the receiving end of that mess and any person that I claim I care about, I will not do that to them.

 

You can be direct with someone you care about and still not be nasty. There is a difference that OP's girlfriend hasn't figured out, nor is she owed patience and an audience until she does. She's not a child.

 

Oh, come on. The example the OP gave wasn't even nasty or mean. "Ugh, stop lying on my hair," is as harmless as snippy remarks go.

 

I can say that I have never been around ANYONE on a regular basis - relatives, classmates, colleagues, partners... who have genuinely made ZERO grumpy comments ever. Of course you try, but seriously, one snippy remark per month is pretty much par by course if you see each other a lot. And that's perfectly fine in my opinion - humans, like life, isn't perfect and doesn't have to be perfect to be wonderful. I used to think I didn't make any, but in my first relationship my partner pointed out to me that I absolutely did on occasion - I just didn't realize it.

 

I honestly think that anyone who thinks they have never done this is either a Saudi Prince who doesn't have to work or cope with anything in life, or (more likely) is just lacking the self-awareness to realize that they have in actual fact done so. You would be surprised how many people don't realize they're being snippy when they are.

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I know a lot of people have suggested things to do for her when she has Pms. Personally. I tend to stay away around that time of the month and not poke the bear.

 

Haha, this could work in the causal dating stage, but would likely make things worse in a long term, established relationship IMO. :laugh: But I agree with the rest of your post!

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