The situation with my ex-girlfriend.

[Driedourlettuce]

We’re both 32 and been together for 6 years.

 

We both committed many mistakes during the last period of the relationship, and we lived together.

She broke up with me 2 months ago, and moved out.

I went no contact for more than a month during which we talked via text a couple of times about apartment related things and about her picking up her stuff.

She still has a couple of belongings she should come and pick up in a month or so, since I’m moving out of that apartment.

 

Over the last week we texted each other more frequently about more personal things and out lives.

She seemed warm and interested in speaking with me, but when I’ve asked to meet her for a coffee she declined and said the relationship is in the past and I should look towards the future.

She means a lot me, and she knows that, I wasn’t needy or clingy on the phone with her (we talked yesterday) but I did try to make her feel that I’ve changed a lot during the no contact period, but I don’t think that worked.

She did seem to be jealous when the topic of dating came up, i went on a couple of dates since we broke up but I’ve tried to change the topic, and i think she thinks I didn’t go on dates. I’m pretty sure she is not seeing anyone by the way.

 

There was no cheating involved in out breakup, just lots of fighting and miss communication, and loss of respect for each other in a way.

 

I feel like she had feelings for me but she’s saying that she decided for herself that she doesn’t want to go back to the relationship , to meet or just to be in touch.

 

She said that she will be willing to have a coffee with me when she comes to pick her stuff (in a month or so).

 

Should I give up and move on? Or is there anything else I could do to re-attract her back?

 

 

Your help and opinions on the matter will be highly appreciated.

Thanks in advance!

[Jdoublenn]

It sounds like there was plenty of reasons you guys decided to end the relationship and she's trying to move on by keeping space. Honestly, I think you should do the same. After she gets her stuff next month, you should resume NC and just get on with your life.Good luck!

[Driedourlettuce]

Thanks for your reply!

[Highndry]

She's not interested, and the fact that she broke up with you but you're pushing to get back together or at least exploring doing so is the wrong move for you. I think you are making a huge mistake even talking to her. The best move in my opinion, especially since you appear interested in rekindling, is telling her straight up that you are going complete no contact to move on from her because you have absolutely no interest in friendship, and she can contact you if she realizes she made a mistake dumping you, but otherwise to never contact you again. Have a nice life.

[Driedourlettuce]

Yep I did all those things. She seems content with not being in contact.

Thanks for your reply.

[HumanMachine]

Ship her stuff out ASAP even if it’s at your own expense. Cut all ties with her and move on, for your own sanity.

[Driedourlettuce]

So without a doubt, it is definitely over?

[PegNosePete]

So without a doubt, it is definitely over?

Yes. She even said so herself:

when I’ve asked to meet her for a coffee she declined and said the relationship is in the past and I should look towards the future.

 

Don't go for coffee when she comes to get her stuff. Don't let her in for a chat or a sit down or even to use the loo. Just open the door, give her her stuff in a box, and say goodbye. Tell her to come collect it tonight or you're going to throw it out. Don't wait a month. And after that, you can do NC. PROPERLY THIS TIME. For someone who is supposedly in NC you certainly seem to be having a lot of contact with her! Do you know what NC means?

[Driedourlettuce]

Yes. She even said so herself:

 

 

Don't go for coffee when she comes to get her stuff. Don't let her in for a chat or a sit down or even to use the loo. Just open the door, give her her stuff in a box, and say goodbye. Tell her to come collect it tonight or you're going to throw it out. Don't wait a month. And after that, you can do NC. PROPERLY THIS TIME. For someone who is supposedly in NC you certainly seem to be having a lot of contact with her! Do you know what NC means?

 

 

 

First of all, thanks for your reply.

I did go no contact for about a month, butthe. She weote me a text about her stuff.

Problem with her picking her stuff, is that, the sofa is hers and I kinda need it until I move out. It is also not something I can just pack in a box you know?

You are saying I should be kinda mean to her?

[PegNosePete]

I did go no contact for about a month

Really? Well you said this:

I went no contact for more than a month during which we talked via text a couple of times

If you talked via text a couple of times then it is not NC. It is C. That is why I asked if you know what NC means? It means NO contact.

 

Problem with her picking her stuff, is that, the sofa is hers and I kinda need it until I move out. It is also not something I can just pack in a box you know?

You are saying I should be kinda mean to her?

Well, okay, wait for the month then. So how is she planning to get it back? You can't put a sofa in a box, but you can tell her to bring someone to help her carry it. Let them in, lift the sofa out, and go. Make plans to be somewhere afterwards, if you need an excuse to not let her in for a nice cup of tea or whatever.

 

It is not mean at all. You are giving her back her stuff in a business-like manner. There is nothing mean about that. "Mean" would be setting fire to it or infesting her sofa with lice before giving it back to her.

[Driedourlettuce]

Really? Well you said this:

 

If you talked via text a couple of times then it is not NC. It is C. That is why I asked if you know what NC means? It means NO contact.

 

 

Well, okay, wait for the month then. So how is she planning to get it back? You can't put a sofa in a box, but you can tell her to bring someone to help her carry it. Let them in, lift the sofa out, and go. Make plans to be somewhere afterwards, if you need an excuse to not let her in for a nice cup of tea or whatever.

 

It is not mean at all. You are giving her back her stuff in a business-like manner. There is nothing mean about that. "Mean" would be setting fire to it or infesting her sofa with lice before giving it back to her.

 

Are there any other benefits to No contact other than me getting over her?

It did help until she texted me about her stuff.

 

Yea she’s foing to hire a moving service I guess, and they’ll take the sofa.

[elaine567]

I would give her sofa back asap and buy one of your own. surely you will need a sofa for your next place no?

 

If not, then buy a cheap second hand one from ads, or go to a discount store and you can sell it again when you move out.

 

It is really not worth having this "visit" hanging over you for months, she has made it perfectly clear she does not want you back.

[PegNosePete]

Are there any other benefits to No contact other than me getting over her?

Yes absolutely! Improved self esteem, self respect, and self worth. Building confidence. The respect of your peers. Learning how to deal with women, without compromising your values. Less stress and drama in your life, lower risk of heart attack etc. Increased happiness. More time to find your perfect partner rather than wasting your life dwelling on the past.

 

It did help until she texted me about her stuff.

There you go, it works. If you stick to it!

 

Yea she’s foing to hire a moving service I guess, and they’ll take the sofa.

Great, she won't be able to talk about the relationship even if she wants to, with removals guys there. But if she does ask, you need to be ready to say "no I don't want to". Having something else planned can make that easier, and less confrontational.

[Driedourlettuce]

I would give her sofa back asap and buy one of your own. surely you will need a sofa for your next place no?

 

If not, then buy a cheap second hand one from ads, or go to a discount store and you can sell it again when you move out.

 

It is really not worth having this "visit" hanging over you for months, she has made it perfectly clear she does not want you back.

 

Thanks, I’ll definitely consider doing that.

Do you think I should call her or text should be enough?

[Driedourlettuce]

Yes absolutely! Improved self esteem, self respect, and self worth. Building confidence. The respect of your peers. Learning how to deal with women, without compromising your values. Less stress and drama in your life, lower risk of heart attack etc. Increased happiness. More time to find your perfect partner rather than wasting your life dwelling on the past.

 

 

There you go, it works. If you stick to it!

 

 

Great, she won't be able to talk about the relationship even if she wants to, with removals guys there. But if she does ask, you need to be ready to say "no I don't want to". Having something else planned can make that easier, and less confrontational.

that made me laugh for some reason.

 

To be honest, she still has her key to the apartment so we don’t even have to meet when she comes to get the sofa.

[Driedourlettuce]

Will appreciate more opinions on that matter.

[HumanMachine]

Will appreciate more opinions on that matter.

 

I’m not a fan of leather sofas, easier to clean but too sticky when it’s hot.

[PegNosePete]

she still has her key to the apartment so we don’t even have to meet when she comes to get the sofa.

Why on earth would you be OK with your EX coming into your apartment on her own, or with her new boyfriend, or some bloke she just met down the pub, or whatever??? Who knows what would happen or what would go missing. And your insurance wouldn't want to know because she used a key to enter. Man... if that was me I would have changed the locks, like yesterday.

[Beachead]

Hey OP,

 

Sorry you're going through this. As of right now, it looks like things are over on her end. She told you she wants you to move on. She knows what she said and she's knows how she feels at the moment. No point in trying to win her over because it's pointless and it will only drive her away.

 

Like the other peepz said on here, I would have kept contact minimal and avoided coffee. You can do it if you want but don't expect you two will get back together and live happily ever after. The worst case scenerio is you both slip up and have one night together and I say worst case because you will be in pain when she goes back to the way she is now and vanishes, after all that.

 

You still carry hope and that will take a long time to break. I just hope you are not following that stupid "30 day Contact Rule" that's plastered all over the internet. It's a load of crap. Proper no contact takes a long time and is about giving yourself space from the source that caused you pain and using that time to heal and rebuild yourself.

 

If I were you, I would tell her to pick up what she needs as soon as possible and let her be on her way so you can start up on your healing. She doesn't want to get back together? Fine. No need for you two to needlessly drag this out then. Resolve it on good terms and be done with her.

 

Whatever she feels and does afterwards is for her to go through.

[Driedourlettuce]

Thank you both for your input.

[Beachead]

OP, the good news is this.

 

The terms seem to be pretty good between you both which is a good way to end.

 

Leave it as that. Who knows what may happen in the future. Just because she feels this way now, doesn't mean she may in the future. I have heard of many cases as as well situations of my own where the person who didn't want anything to do with a relationship at the time ended up contacting the person a few months later. It most certainly happened to me. And we got into some really bad arguments so I thought I'd never hear from her again. Another example is one of the first girls I truly liked in my life (For like a decade) didn't feel the same way about me when I told her how I felt. I was about 18 at the time so I was quite sloppy in the way I approached her about it. Anyway, as I was saying, she wasn't interested at the time. About 5 years later, she confessed her feelings at a mutual friend's wedding but by then I was over her.

 

I've also had cases where girls have simply vanished out of my life never to speak to me again.

 

So you never know. Life is a twist like that.

 

For now, the distance and time apart do what it needs to. In time, the truth shall reveal itself. Don't hope, don't wait, but leave that door open.

[Driedourlettuce]

A little update:

 

So, two days ago we've met, I gave her a little package with notes (containing really romantic and honest stuff, it was a 3 chapter thing), we talked for a while, she said she's seeing someone, then she said she doesn't (I've asked her mom, and she said she's not seeing anyone), I suppose it was her way to let me know she's not interested, and it doesn't really matter, she's going to see someone whether its now or in a month. I guess she tried to find something to tell me to help me to move on.

I've told her I've dated a couple of girls, but all it did was to make me realise how much I love her.

My ex said during the meeting, a couple of times, that she can't get back together "now".

To me it seemed like she is definitely not interested in getting back together, that's the vibe I got out of meeting her.

Then the next morning (yesterday) I get a message from her, she said how she is sorry about everything and she is sorry she is texting me now (to be honest, she is not the type of person for whom its easy to apologise she is very proud) and that she wants me to have her sofa and to keep her updated on the apartment and things I'm taking. Why is she doing this? why does she sent me a text the day after we met, and why does she wants me to keep her updated on the apartment? it makes absolutely not sense.

I told her that she can keep her sofa, and that there's nothing new about the apartment or the things I'm taking and there won't be.

Later I texted her that I'm sorry about everything but I guess its all for the best.

I'm kind of a mess, I really want to move on, but I love her a lot. I feel like I did pretty much anything I could to get her back, and it didn't work.

I guess I'm reading to much into things and over analysing everything.

 

Your opinions and advice on this matter will be very welcomed.

Thanks in advance!

[PegNosePete]

that she wants me to have her sofa and to keep her updated on the apartment and things I'm taking. Why is she doing this?

Look you need to stop asking WHY she is doing what she is doing. She has made it 100% crystal clear that she does not want to reconcile this relationship.

 

Asking "why is she doing X, Y or Z" is only going to keep you in pain! You need to stop asking these questions. Instead, you need to ask yourself, "what is the best way to move forward?".

 

She said you can have the sofa. Great. Keep that email/text in case she tries to sue you at some point in the future. Then put the sofa on craigslist, take it to the dump, leave it in the flat when you move out, use it for target practice, whatever. She said she doesn't want it back so there is no need to talk to her about it ever again.

 

The sofa was the only tie you had to her right? So now that is resolved, you have no reason to talk to her ever again. This relationship is dead as a dodo. Staying in contact with her will just bring you pain.

[HumanMachine]

She’s letting you have the sofa because she wants to cut all ties with you ASAP. Why on earth are you asking her Mother if she’s seeing anybody? I guarantee she is seeing someone else, you come across as a bit crazy so that’s why she is withholding this information.

[Driedourlettuce]

She’s letting you have the sofa because she wants to cut all ties with you ASAP. Why on earth are you asking her Mother if she’s seeing anybody? I guarantee she is seeing someone else, you come across as a bit crazy so that’s why she is withholding this information.

 

Yeah, you're not over the top at all.

If she wants cut all ties with me, then why she asked me to keep her updated?

I've been 6 years with her, her mother always treated me really good, she told me herself that if you want to talk, don't hesitate to call.