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How do people do this immediately post break-up and in the weeks that follow??


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I don't understand how an ex can happily sit there and still have your number and still have you as a contact on WhatsApp and Skype, yet resist the temptation to talk, if they are as miserable as they claim to be and still love you. Especially after a 3 year relationship in which you were their first, it makes no sense...

 

In my opinion, if someone doesn't think the relationship can be repaired, they cut all ties because having accessible contact with each other only prolongs the pain and strings the other person along.

 

Why would they ask you to keep their contact details? I find this a bit presumptuous and cheeky.

 

Did the relationship ever mean anything to them?!

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People who are like this after a break-up are the ones who were emotionally already checked out but feel bad hurting their ex.

 

They might also suggest staying in touch because they truly don't have hard feelings and are capable of being friends; they don't have romantic feelings anymore so it doesn't have the same significance as it does for the person who was dumped.

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People who are like this after a break-up are the ones who were emotionally already checked out but feel bad hurting their ex.

 

They might also suggest staying in touch because they truly don't have hard feelings and are capable of being friends; they don't have romantic feelings anymore so it doesn't have the same significance as it does for the person who was dumped.

 

But I was the one who initiated the break-up, which he then agreed to?

 

Neither of us have ever suggested being friends, he said he was open to meeting up in the future and trying again.

 

Also, he is the one who said post break-up that I was the light of his life and that I was the best thing that ever happened to him, not me.

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But I was the one who initiated the break-up, which he then agreed to?

 

Neither of us have ever suggested being friends, he said he was open to meeting up in the future and trying again.

 

Also, he is the one who said post break-up that I was the light of his life and that I was the best thing that ever happened to him, not me.

 

Well, then, he apparently wanted this break-up too.

 

I am not sure why you're upset that he's not contacting you when you were the one who ended it. Most people aren't going to go out of their way to communicate with someone who broke off the relationship, so I am unclear what you expect from him.

 

Why did you break up?

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Well, then, he apparently wanted this break-up too.

 

I am not sure why you're upset that he's not contacting you when you were the one who ended it. Most people aren't going to go out of their way to communicate with someone who broke off the relationship, so I am unclear what you expect from him.

 

Why did you break up?

 

He was not emotionally mature, or able to commit to me fully and give me the stability and security I needed in a relationship.

 

You hear of a lot of dumpees constantly checking profiles, experiencing anxiety and contacting the dumper. Even if the break-up was mutual, I would expect some of that, since I find it odd that after a 3 year relationship he hasn't asked if I am dead or alive.

 

Even if someone doesn't want to go out of their way to communicate with someone who ended the relationship, then why keep their number and specifically ask them to keep theirs too? Why bother with any of that, why not block them altogether and move on?

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He can resist the temptation to break up with you because he was not as emotionally invested as you were, hence his inability to commit fully.

 

He may secretly want you back but as the dumpee won't reach out because we all say all the time on here that only the dumper can reach out otherwise the dumpee is simply clingy, weak & looks like a beggar.

 

Here you want him to chase you as proof that you were wrong & he does love you & is willing to fight for you & commit. He doesn't know that nor is his willing to do that. If he was you would not have broken up in the first place.

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He can resist the temptation to break up with you because he was not as emotionally invested as you were, hence his inability to commit fully.

 

He may secretly want you back but as the dumpee won't reach out because we all say all the time on here that only the dumper can reach out otherwise the dumpee is simply clingy, weak & looks like a beggar.

 

Here you want him to chase you as proof that you were wrong & he does love you & is willing to fight for you & commit. He doesn't know that nor is his willing to do that. If he was you would not have broken up in the first place.

 

Exactly, all of this.

 

You're hoping for sign he still has feelings, after you broke up with him for lack of commitment and security. You're barking up the wrong tree OP, so to speak.

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Start learning to get over this. He is not good for you or your sanity.

 

Also, if he decides to show up in the future and you are with someone else at that time, what are you going to do?

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He was not emotionally mature, or able to commit to me fully and give me the stability and security I needed in a relationship.

 

You hear of a lot of dumpees constantly checking profiles, experiencing anxiety and contacting the dumper. Even if the break-up was mutual, I would expect some of that, since I find it odd that after a 3 year relationship he hasn't asked if I am dead or alive.

 

Even if someone doesn't want to go out of their way to communicate with someone who ended the relationship, then why keep their number and specifically ask them to keep theirs too? Why bother with any of that, why not block them altogether and move on?

 

Theres your answer. He just wasnt into the relationship as much as you might have thought he was. When you broke up with him, you gave him an easy out.

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Theres your answer. He just wasnt into the relationship as much as you might have thought he was. When you broke up with him, you gave him an easy out.

 

In our previous break-up a year ago, where he broke up with me, it was HIM that initiated contact after not hearing from me for 2 weeks in NC. That was when HE no longer wanted to be in the relationship, yet still flirted with me and told me how much he missed me. When we broke-up he told me it was final and there wouldn't be another time, yet still continued to talk and meet up with me, then turned up at my door 2 months after the BU wanting to reconcile. That was during a situation that I never thought could be salvaged and that I never thought he would want to work on again. I never expected reconciliation.

 

This time, where it is me who initiated the break-up, we communicated 3 times during the 2 weeks following the break-up, but have now been in NC for 16 days. This had been a more amicable BU done on very good terms, where we still love each other and miss each other. He hinted at reconciliation in the future this time.

 

The bit I don't understand (and which forms my question) is why he would contact me when angry, resentful and not wanting to reconcile (the first break-up), but not contact me after a very calm and respectful break-up where both of us have left the door open and lines of communication open.

 

I would argue that he was more emotionally invested than me for several reasons, looking at our relationship and its history. Although I experience more anxiety and panic than him in situations like these (his response is more along the lines of anger), I wouldn't say that indicates signs of greater emotional investment necessarily.

 

Links to my original threads:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/638716-mutual-break-up-after-3-year-relationship-need

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/640353-can-someone-explain-message-me

Edited by TheOnlyOne73
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It's called will power. Some of us have it. While I don't do social media, if I did I wouldn't have a problem not contacting a woman who broke up with me even if there were those online ties. I am a stubborn mofo. :laugh:

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Start learning to get over this. He is not good for you or your sanity.

 

Also, if he decides to show up in the future and you are with someone else at that time, what are you going to do?

 

 

That would depend on his reasons for returning and the nature of my relationship with the new person, and how happy I was in it. I've met a lot of people despite being quite young but never felt any intense chemistry or love for any of them until I met my most recent ex.

 

I don't believe I am romanticising when I say this (whether you believe me or not haha), but I do think we would both struggle to find a relationship like ours again anywhere else. He agreed with me on that himself during the relationship since he believes there are very few genuine and sincere people of our age range (20-30 years old) left who aren't consumed with living in today's shallow society. He said post break-up that there was no one else like me, and stated that as being one of the reasons why he returned after the last break-up.

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If you genuinely still love each other, then you should still be together The fact that you have now broken up twice indicates to me that there is a serious dysfunction in your relationship.

 

I said this to someone else today. I don't get this break up / make up cycle. I was with a guy for 10 years. We broke up once, that last time. Between dating & 9 years of marriage, DH & I have been together 11 years. We have never broken up. When there were disagreements we yelled & screamed like everybody else but then we talked about the situation & worked to fix whatever the issue was.

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If you genuinely still love each other, then you should still be together The fact that you have now broken up twice indicates to me that there is a serious dysfunction in your relationship.

 

I said this to someone else today. I don't get this break up / make up cycle. I was with a guy for 10 years. We broke up once, that last time. Between dating & 9 years of marriage, DH & I have been together 11 years. We have never broken up. When there were disagreements we yelled & screamed like everybody else but then we talked about the situation & worked to fix whatever the issue was.

 

 

I think it was partly due to his inexperience and also his fear of commitment, which meant he would often rather bow out than work on any issues, then miss me too much and realise his mistake and come back. He would sometimes say that every relationship he has witnessed (his parents', his grandparents', his sister's) has failed and led to divorce so he doesn't see the point in bothering with his own relationships if it's going to end anyway (which was quite alarming to hear from a 30 year old).

 

It was also difficult to resolve conflict with him because it would end up being me doing all the talking and apologising (even if I hadn't done anything wrong) and me coming up with solutions to the problems. He lacked initiative. He was a very reserved and closed-off person who couldn't handle conflict and would give me the silent treatment after arguments instead of talking about it.

 

However, when I asked him about this a week before we broke up, he said he wanted to work on the issues because it is worth it for the positive aspects of our relationship. He said: "sometimes we don't gel when we argue like this, but when we do connect it's amazing." But then a few days later he decided to agree to the break-up and leave instead.

Edited by TheOnlyOne73
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If you genuinely still love each other, then you should still be together The fact that you have now broken up twice indicates to me that there is a serious dysfunction in your relationship.

 

I said this to someone else today. I don't get this break up / make up cycle. I was with a guy for 10 years. We broke up once, that last time. Between dating & 9 years of marriage, DH & I have been together 11 years. We have never broken up. When there were disagreements we yelled & screamed like everybody else but then we talked about the situation & worked to fix whatever the issue was.

 

I never understood it either, until I met my ex. She is one of those people who uses the threat of breaking up, and even storming out, for manipulation and control. I found out that she has a history of recycling relationships multiple times, apparently never fully moving on from any man. Creepy, in hindsight.

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OP, some day, when you're healed and past this, you will be glad he isn't contacting you. This relationship wasn't working anymore and it really is for the best that you two don't try to beat the proverbial dead horse.

 

What would him contacting you now do for you?

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OP, some day, when you're healed and past this, you will be glad he isn't contacting you. This relationship wasn't working anymore and it really is for the best that you two don't try to beat the proverbial dead horse.

 

What would him contacting you now do for you?

 

 

I am glad in some respects that he hasn't contacted me as I know it would prolong my healing and give me false hope that we could work things out some day.

 

In other respects, him not contacting me in a way devalues our relationship and makes me question if it ever meant anything, so I think that's why I want him to, but it's also a familiarity/emotional attachment thing. It's going to take me a while to completely detach from a 3 year relationship. The longest NC we've ever had before was 3 weeks long (the previous break-up). I'd be intrigued to know what will happen once more time than that passes this time round (it will be 3 weeks NC this Friday).

 

I suppose I want to know whether all of the compliments he paid me as we were breaking up were true or not, and him contacting me would prove that they were as he wouldn't be able to just let go that easily if what he was saying were true. It would reassure me that I actually meant something to him.

Edited by TheOnlyOne73
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The ironic thing is that on the day of the break-up he said he was shaking, his heart was pounding, he was in a lot of pain and wrestling with whether to stay together as he sorts through his commitment fears or whether to break-up whilst he does so, and the tears on his face had turned into rivers (didn't actually see him as the BU was done over WhatsApp; we live just under 2 hours apart during term-time), whereas I felt ok, I shed a tear or two.

 

But now, a month since the break-up, I seem to be the one getting a bit anxious whilst he is seemingly ok (he may not be, he may just be good at hiding it since he is keeping quiet).

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Nothingtolose

I can relate to you, OP.

 

I'm going through a very similar situation. Broke up with my ex-boyfriend of 3 years, close to 2 months ago. I initiated the break up because he wasn't working on the issues he promised me he would (like going to counselling for his addictions to pot and booze, getting his financial **** together etc).

 

He knew exactly why I ended it, knew what had to be done, and has done nothing to try and repair things. He claimed he did not want the break up, but promptly accepted it, and made no effort to do the things that could save us.

 

He has reached out to me only to sort out things we still needed to sort out (like giving me my keys back, and a couple other things), and once those things were sorted, he only reached out once to see how I was doing - but very coldly, no mention of missing me, or being sad - at all. I poured my heart out to him a couple of times in the first month and got very cold responses, so decided it wasn't worth it and I just had to move on.

 

I know it hurts, it makes you feel like the person never loved you, if they could let go so easily. 3 years is not 3 days - how can they be home, on a cold rainy night, and resist the urge to contact the one they love, knowing it's within their power to try something? The answer is clear: they just do not love us the way we deserve to be loved. Them not contacting us, is the universe's way of helping us dodge this bullet and move on to be able to meet the person who can give us the love we need. That's what I'm trying to believe.

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I can relate to you, OP.

 

I'm going through a very similar situation. Broke up with my ex-boyfriend of 3 years, close to 2 months ago. I initiated the break up because he wasn't working on the issues he promised me he would (like going to counselling for his addictions to pot and booze, getting his financial **** together etc).

 

He knew exactly why I ended it, knew what had to be done, and has done nothing to try and repair things. He claimed he did not want the break up, but promptly accepted it, and made no effort to do the things that could save us.

 

He has reached out to me only to sort out things we still needed to sort out (like giving me my keys back, and a couple other things), and once those things were sorted, he only reached out once to see how I was doing - but very coldly, no mention of missing me, or being sad - at all. I poured my heart out to him a couple of times in the first month and got very cold responses, so decided it wasn't worth it and I just had to move on.

 

I know it hurts, it makes you feel like the person never loved you, if they could let go so easily. 3 years is not 3 days - how can they be home, on a cold rainy night, and resist the urge to contact the one they love, knowing it's within their power to try something? The answer is clear: they just do not love us the way we deserve to be loved. Them not contacting us, is the universe's way of helping us dodge this bullet and move on to be able to meet the person who can give us the love we need. That's what I'm trying to believe.

 

Very well-said Nothingtolose, so sorry to hear you are in a similar situation. My ex also had addictions to pot, aswell as smoking, alcohol and porn (but lied a lot about the last one on that list which was the final straw for me as I wouldn't tolerate being lied to by someone who apparently "loved" me and who also made empty promises). I felt like in the end he gave up on the relationship because porn was more important to him than me, so he chose that over me.

 

I feel that men (and women) like this demonstrate a combination of laziness, ignorance, cowardice, selfishness, immaturity, and a sense of self-entitlement. They only care about their own needs and wants, with no mental capacity to accommodate those of the one they love, which isn't what "love" is. My ex would often use the excuse that this was his first relationship so he's never had to think about anyone else before. They are emotionally unavailable but won't admit it (I tried to explain to him that he was but it fell on deaf ears).

 

I even said to my ex a few times that I didn't think he truly loved me or even knew what love is (not that I necessarily know myself exactly what love is), yet he would refuse to believe it and claim his love for me was true. When we spoke post break-up he would tell me he loved me. It seemed a bit warped to me; if our exes truly loved us then where are they now?! When it came to committing and adapting to suit both our needs and theirs in the relationship they didn't even try, they just left.

 

I don't really see what he is trying to achieve by running away from the relationship, surely that will only make his commitment fears worse and make him even more self-centred, instead of actually learning anything about relationships. But oh well, I guess it isn't my problem anymore.

 

My ex said he was miserable before he met me, and last time I spoke to him after the break-up said he was feeling miserable again, like how he used to be before he met me. All I can do is leave him to be miserable, because that was the path he chose instead of choosing to work on the relationship and to be responsible and in charge of his own happiness.

Edited by TheOnlyOne73
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fireflyingaway
Very well-said Nothingtolose, so sorry to hear you are in a similar situation. My ex also had addictions to pot, aswell as smoking, alcohol and porn (but lied a lot about the last one on that list which was the final straw for me as I wouldn't tolerate being lied to by someone who apparently "loved" me and who also made empty promises). I felt like in the end he gave up on the relationship because porn was more important to him than me, so he chose that over me.

 

I feel that men (and women) like this demonstrate a combination of laziness, ignorance, cowardice, selfishness, immaturity, and a sense of self-entitlement. They only care about their own needs and wants, with no mental capacity to accommodate those of the one they love, which isn't what "love" is. My ex would often use the excuse that this was his first relationship so he's never had to think about anyone else before. They are emotionally unavailable but won't admit it (I tried to explain to him that he was but it fell on deaf ears).

 

I even said to my ex a few times that I didn't think he truly loved me or even knew what love is (not that I necessarily know myself exactly what love is), yet he would refuse to believe it and claim his love for me was true. When we spoke post break-up he would tell me he loved me. It seemed a bit warped to me; if our exes truly loved us then where are they now?! When it came to committing and adapting to suit both our needs and theirs in the relationship they didn't even try, they just left.

 

I don't really see what he is trying to achieve by running away from the relationship, surely that will only make his commitment fears worse and make him even more self-centred, instead of actually learning anything about relationships. But oh well, I guess it isn't my problem anymore.

 

My ex said he was miserable before he met me, and last time I spoke to him after the break-up said he was feeling miserable again, like how he used to be before he met me. All I can do is leave him to be miserable, because that was the path he chose instead of choosing to work on the relationship and to be responsible and in charge of his own happiness.

 

Wow, the TheOnlyOne73, I felt like that was something I could have written. I went through something similar too, but I was the dumpee. I relate so much.

 

My ex told me a few times that he "never wanted me to do anything that I didn't want to do or made me uncomfortable". I never did, but I did go outside of my comfort zone on somethings, because when you love someone, sometimes you have to do things to be there and support them. You want to integrate yourself into their life. I did that, but he had no true understanding of what it was to be a partner. To appreciate someone else. Looking back the most loving and kind thing he did was end it with me.

 

Its a hard pill to shallow when someone just CANT love you. When they are emotionally incapable of being there for you. They say they "love you" but can't show it or the relationship becomes too much and its easier just to be alone and living in a little bubble. You have to realize its just not meant to be.

 

I'm finally understanding that I never got the love I needed or deserved. That its okay to let him go. He's never gonna change. Running away is just easier for him. Commitment is too scary. He had no idea what it meant to be my boyfriend.

Edited by fireflyingaway
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Nothingtolose

 

I feel that men (and women) like this demonstrate a combination of laziness, ignorance, cowardice, selfishness, immaturity, and a sense of self-entitlement. They only care about their own needs and wants, with no mental capacity to accommodate those of the one they love, which isn't what "love" is. My ex would often use the excuse that this was his first relationship so he's never had to think about anyone else before. They are emotionally unavailable but won't admit it (I tried to explain to him that he was but it fell on deaf ears).

 

I even said to my ex a few times that I didn't think he truly loved me or even knew what love is (not that I necessarily know myself exactly what love is), yet he would refuse to believe it and claim his love for me was true. When we spoke post break-up he would tell me he loved me. It seemed a bit warped to me; if our exes truly loved us then where are they now?! When it came to committing and adapting to suit both our needs and theirs in the relationship they didn't even try, they just left.

 

I don't really see what he is trying to achieve by running away from the relationship, surely that will only make his commitment fears worse and make him even more self-centred, instead of actually learning anything about relationships. But oh well, I guess it isn't my problem anymore.

 

My ex said he was miserable before he met me, and last time I spoke to him after the break-up said he was feeling miserable again, like how he used to be before he met me. All I can do is leave him to be miserable, because that was the path he chose instead of choosing to work on the relationship and to be responsible and in charge of his own happiness.

 

My ex was into porn as well. He was used to getting off to it every morning before work, it was like a ritual to him. He was shocked when we moved in together, to find out that it made me uncomfortable. He thought it was such a normal thing to do, and could not understand why I'd be upset about it. I told him I had no problem with him masturbating (as long as it didn't affect our sex life), but the fact that he NEEDED porn to do it, was an issue for me. He said he was so used to it, that he basically couldn't really do it without it. I also asked him to try and change his habits, and only do that when I wasn't home, since I did not want to have to avoid going to certain areas of the house, and being told to not come into our shared office for 15 mins so he could jerk off made me extremely uncomfortable (yes, he did try to do this on a couple of occasions when I wasn't up for morning sex). I told him he should get used to going a day or two without busting his nuts, like a normal adult (or I don't know, do it in the shower without porn?), and it made him angry.

 

I completely agree with your comment about self-entitlement. I also realized my ex was completely self-indulgent, and only wanted to engage in activities that provided pleasure, avoiding adult responsibilities at all cost: getting stoned, drunk, porn, playing video games, watching cartoons, etc. All adult responsibilities were left "for tomorrow" (tomorrow often never came). Unlike your ex, mine had two long term relationships before me, and both left him due to him being a man child, and moved on to more mature men. Now with me, he's lost 3 relationships, and still hasn't changed.

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Nothingtolose

 

Its a hard pill to shallow when someone just CANT love you. When they are emotionally incapable of being there for you. They say they "love you" but can't show it or the relationship becomes too much and its easier just to be alone and living in a little bubble. You have to realize its just not meant to be.

 

Yup, can relate as well. I lost my grandpa very suddenly last year from a heart attack, and since we were super close as he was one of the people who helped raise me, I was a mess. My bf (now ex) was supportive for the first 2 days, but then went drinking with his friends after work on the Monday (day 3) at 5 pm, and when I asked him to come home (at 9 pm) as I was feeling sad at home on my own and could really use some company, he came home begrudgingly and started fighting with me, saying that the last 2 days had been "emotionally draining" for him and he just wanted to relax and have some drinks with his friend (he'd been out for 4 hours already), and that I was selfish, and that I needed to stop relying on him for all my emotional support (it was the first time anything like that had happened). He was cruel and mean, screaming, shouting and calling me names, regardless of the fact that I was grieving a huge loss. Everything was always about him.

 

I kept a lot of his behaviours out of conversations with my friends, because I knew they'd tell me to get out, and that I deserved better, and it was embarassing that I wasn't strong enough to do it. Now I've started sharing some of those stories and how he treated me, and my friends are horrified that I put up with this crap for 3 years.

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Nothingtolose

Also, reading some of these responses and seeing how many of us share similar experiences, makes me wonder why it is that so many men are emotionally closed off and unavailable, unable/unwilling to deal with emotions (their own or their partner's), completely unaware of what it means to really be a team, a real partner to somebody else.

 

I know a lot of guys will say some women are like that also, but since I've never dated women, I can only speak for the guys. This no doubt goes back to some sort of childhood trauma, how they were raised, the example they had at home with their parents etc etc. It's sad because unless the person is able to recognize this in themselves, they'll spend their entire lives being emotionally avoidant, which I guess protects them from pain, but also from feeling the true joy of completely loving someone and giving your all to that person.

 

I may have gone through a lot of pain and grief in my life because I wear my heart on my sleeve, but at least I know how to be a partner and friend, how to provide emotional support, be a good listener, love someone and let myself be loved. No matter how many heartbreaks I go through, I do not want to become jaded and have this taken away from me.

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