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Why her and not me?


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Just curious of everyone's thoughts on when a guy (an emotionally unavailable one, at that!) says he's not looking or not ready for a commitment and wants to keep things casual for months of you hanging out...only to discover he met someone else in the meantime and only a few months in, is declared to be "in a relationship" now. Boy, does that sting like a b***h, huh?! lol.

 

Just curious of anyone's input that has gone through this and if you agree that it's just as plain and simple as that he just never wanted anything more with ME the entire time...

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Been through it more times than I would like to count.

 

From the information you have given, it seems he didn't really indicate he had feelings. So based on that my advice is as follows. It's as simple as they're not interested in you or their feelings weren't strong enough to consider a relationship with you.

 

There's 2 ways you can go with it.

 

1. Be okay with it, remain on good terms and date others.

 

2. Stop talking to them and date others.

 

Either way, the next move is the same. Date others.

Edited by Beachead
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HarmonyDriven

Just curious of anyone's input that has gone through this and if you agree that it's just as plain and simple as that he just never wanted anything more with ME the entire time...

 

Yep, I agree with you - plain and simple. He made it known to you his intent of nothing serious/no commitment. If you hung out with him for a few months, then this was a waste of YOUR time not his, especially if you are seeking a relationship.

 

Clearly, this guy found a girl who "did it" for him. This doesn't reflect negatively on you. Don't think twice about it. Bottom line - he is not the right guy for you.

 

If a guy tells you something......believe him. If unacceptable, move on. Live and learn.

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They should make the science of love and sex mandatory in schools rather than thing our feelings come from our heart. :) You cannot will yourself to love or not love someone. It is a chemical reaction set off by your genetic programming. It happens when your genes decide that the person is a good mate. In the past that was someone strong enough to protect and provide as nature always favors anything that results in higher odds of passing on your genes. Obviously we are all here because our distant ancestors chose mates wisely.

 

It is no mystery or surprise that love just happens. I saw my wife on a train and 3 weeks later we were engaged and last month was our 45th year of marriage. So far so great. My point is that you cannot just fall in love. It has to happen organically and no one should get bent out of shape if they are not the object of anyone else's love. Our genes are in charge of who we love, not our brains.

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Hi.. I'm sorry you had to go through this..

Life hurts sometimes, take it from me...

I always ask God why he lets people hurt, but the truth is is that there are no real answers to that question...

I guess God puts obstacles in our lives to help us grow and find something even more better

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Nothingtolose

Yep, been in that exact position and know how you feel. I have also been on the other end of the spectrum, where I could not commit to someone I was seeing for a couple of months, because there was something missing.

 

In a nutshell, you were not the right woman for him. I know it sucks, but think of it this way: finding the right person for us, is not that easy. There are many, many factors at play, including physical attraction, mutual interests, alignment on core values, etc...and the truth is, sometimes you'll meet someone who has all these things on paper and you're still not feeling it, and sometimes you'll meet someone who doesn't have half of the things you wanted, but you are inexplicably drawn to them. Hard to tell why it happens, but it happens. And just as you were not the woman for him, there are many men out there who are not the men for you either.

 

It's very hard not to take it personally, but there are guys out there who'd turn other women down (who are not 'the one'/ right woman for them), but would not hesitate to date you, because you're the right person. It's the circle of life :)

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Thanks for the replies!

 

Steve, you're right! They should come out with some kind of class or book about love and the science behind it. It's quite interesting. Nice story about how you met your wife, by the way :)

 

I agree 100% that you can't force things- it just has to be there and happen naturally. I'd never want to be with someone anyway that has to talk themselves into being with me. I'm not mad at the guy at all! I totally accept that this is what it is and obviously it was just never "there" for him. At some point, I'll be happy that he's found his happiness too. Perhaps I just wish he was clearer with his feelings instead of being so "wishy washy" about it, but maybe he himself didn't even realize that something was just not there. Who knows! There is much more to this story, but the bottom line is what my original post is about.

 

The funny thing is like you said, Nothingtolose, it's NOT easy to find someone and I too need to make sure the man fills MY needs and wants. When I take a step back and look at "him", he really DIDN'T fill those needs!!! I was drawn to him and extremely attracted to him (like I've never felt before) and that took over! But when I think of long term, it truly wasn't there. Hell, he was so shady with so much that after time of knowing him, I had/have no trust in him. So where am I even going?! lol.

 

It certainly IS just life and I now have the closure to move on and really find what I'm looking for!

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It's proof of what we try to tell people all the time on here. When somebody is really into you, they make the time & they want a relationship. For whatever reason this guy didn't feel that spark with you so he gave you the line about keeping things casual & not wanting a relationship. As soon as somebody he felt more connected to came along, he was ready for the relationship.

 

Although it's pop psychology & not a true guide, read a book called He's Just Not That Into You. It will give you some insight into this behavior.

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Yes, Donnivain- it IS such a simple concept but I often wonder why women (including myself) make it so much more complex! If he was into you, you'd know it.

 

Some say it's not so black and white though and that men themselves these days are so much more complex, making it hard to apply that standard "rule". I've read some articles that say there could be reasons for his behavior: he's scared, he's emotionally unavailable, he's confused, timing isn't right, etc.. I've read so many articles, I could write a book! :laugh:

 

Speaking of books, I've read that one you suggested. It IS very simply put. The movie was good too!

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Yes it is both simple & complex. Nothing is ever as easy as pop psychology books make it seem. Those arm chair psychiatrists are the beginning point of any analysis not the end.

 

I lived with a guy for almost 10 years. He said he "didn't believe in marriage". When I finally broke up with him I was terrified that the next woman he dated he would marry. We've been apart for almost 2 decades & I have been married for 9 happy years. That guy does live with another woman & now has a dog. But that dog is the deepest commitment he's ever made. My fears were unfounded & rooted in my ego but they were real to me. Just like yours are to you.

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Yes, Donnivain- it IS such a simple concept but I often wonder why women (including myself) make it so much more complex! If he was into you, you'd know it.

 

Some say it's not so black and white though and that men themselves these days are so much more complex, making it hard to apply that standard "rule". I've read some articles that say there could be reasons for his behavior: he's scared, he's emotionally unavailable, he's confused, timing isn't right, etc.. I've read so many articles, I could write a book! :laugh:

 

And I guess all in an effort to sort HIM out.

You twisted and turned, and tied yourself in knots to make excuses for him, to make him "fit".

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They should make the science of love and sex mandatory in schools rather than thing our feelings come from our heart. :) You cannot will yourself to love or not love someone. It is a chemical reaction set off by your genetic programming. It happens when your genes decide that the person is a good mate. In the past that was someone strong enough to protect and provide as nature always favors anything that results in higher odds of passing on your genes. Obviously we are all here because our distant ancestors chose mates wisely.

 

It is no mystery or surprise that love just happens. I saw my wife on a train and 3 weeks later we were engaged and last month was our 45th year of marriage. So far so great. My point is that you cannot just fall in love. It has to happen organically and no one should get bent out of shape if they are not the object of anyone else's love. Our genes are in charge of who we love, not our brains.

 

You *can't*write a book about it or teach it in class. As you said, it just happens. You meet someone and you feel this very strange closeness to them like you have known them for a very long time but you just met them. It's a strange instant closeness and attraction that feels very very different from sexual attraction.

 

@OP.. nothing you can do about it and you got to get the experience out of your head and move on.

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Well I think the psychiatrists have valid points. Personally I think men in today's society are much more screwed up than they were years ago and there are TOO many options with social media, etc. that adds to the craziness if there are issues to begin with. Same applies to women too.

 

I guess I have more confusion than fears...and left to wonder what it was exactly. But then like Elaine pointed out, there were things I was trying to make "fit" as well. Like I kept telling him, I wasn't looking to get married tomorrow- I just wanted to spend MORE time with him and even SEE if things could and would go further. I wasn't completely sold on him either but had enough interest to at least want to pursue more.

 

Yes, JJ- there's nothing I can do. I will take this as validation and closure. I now know to move on, to NEVER contact him again on my own will and just end the chapter. I need to clear the path for the RIGHT one come along...whom I know will enter my life soon. I do believe!

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Well I think the psychiatrists have valid points. Personally I think men in today's society are much more screwed up than they were years ago and there are TOO many options with social media, etc. that adds to the craziness if there are issues to begin with. Same applies to women too.

 

I guess I have more confusion than fears...and left to wonder what it was exactly. But then like Elaine pointed out, there were things I was trying to make "fit" as well. Like I kept telling him, I wasn't looking to get married tomorrow- I just wanted to spend MORE time with him and even SEE if things could and would go further. I wasn't completely sold on him either but had enough interest to at least want to pursue more.

 

Yes, JJ- there's nothing I can do. I will take this as validation and closure. I now know to move on, to NEVER contact him again on my own will and just end the chapter. I need to clear the path for the RIGHT one come along...whom I know will enter my life soon. I do believe!

 

No arguments there.

 

When I think about how someone can be so convincing, saying all the right things and doing all the right things that someone who is interested would do and then suddenly switch their feelings off like a light and vanish..it just makes me feel like I don't know anything at all.

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Yes, Beach! I'm with ya! They say one thing one day and then sing a whole different song and ACT a different way the next! It's puzzling and screwed up.

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Well I think the psychiatrists have valid points. Personally I think men in today's society are much more screwed up than they were years ago and there are TOO many options with social media, etc. that adds to the craziness if there are issues to begin with. Same applies to women too.

 

 

I don't necessarily think this is true. The guy you are talking about still has all of the options you mentioned but chose a relationship when the right woman came along. I don't think people are that much different than previous years when it comes to love and attraction.

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