Situation with "boyfriend" don't know how to approach it [UPDATE I ended it with him]

[Tweety00]

Hey everyone, I'll try to explain this as best I can without being too confusing! I've had this on and off thing with a guy for a while now. We've known each other 6 months. First 4 months we were in a relationship. I won't go into detail but we broke up a few times after that.

So recently after we decided to leave it (we both decided) he text me saying he wants me back, wants to be with me, says he will change. I previously broke up with him for not treating me right. He will say he loves me and will prove it if I let him. I also remember him texting me he wants to be with me but it never works out and he knows its his fault.

 

Back to recently he text me saying he wants to be with me, misses me etc. To prove this he invited me to the cinema with him and said "I'll hold your hand in public to prove I'm mad about you". This is kind of an inside joke because he never really liked pda from the start! He is sort of a private person.

The cinema date went really well, we had fun it was like the first time we met! We both enjoyed it. He was holding my hand, refering to me as his "girlfriend". I went to pay for my cinema ticket he said he already paid cos I'm his girlfriend. He was cuddling me in the cinema, kissing my hand just being really nice like when we first met. So we had a great time and he wants to do "date night" once a week now.

 

What I don't understand is if I ask him what we are, he will just say let's take things as they go yet he's referring to me as his girlfriend and even referring to us being in a relationship. He makes these jokes about the future as well. Like a family with kids passed us on the street and he said to me oh that will be us in the future. But like it's a joke? I've no idea he is so confusing! A few days ago he said hes joining back to the gym and asked me to come with him.

 

I'm so confused. I want a definite answer on what we are and if this is going anywhere as I have really strong feelings for him at this stage and want us to be in a relationship properly. I don't want to get hurt if actually he doesn't feel the same way and is just messing me around. We have been on 3 cinema dates the past few weeks, he paid for every one. Am I being too needy? Should I just wait?

[warp123]

On the heat of the moment he will be more caring and lovely yes, always happens, you both think the problem is solved, but it will appear again. If he hasnt been caring already, he will never be, hes not that kind.

 

The beginning of a relationship is the peak, you have to hold it after, which is difficult. If he hasnt been treating you properly from the beginning, he will never do it.

Edited November 5, 2017 by warp123

[Tweety00]

On the heat of the moment he will be more caring and lovely yes, always happens, you both think the problem is solved, but it will appear again. If he hasnt been caring already, he will never be, hes not that kind.

 

The beginning of a relationship is the peak, you have to hold it after, which is difficult. If he hasnt been treating you properly from the beginning, he will never do it.

 

That's the thing though. The first few months we were together he was the most caring person ever. He pursued me the whole time and asked me to be his girlfriend. He did treat me right at the start. Then he started a new job that had him working constant hours managing the place. It was a new business set up. Since then it's been different.

[warp123]

That's the thing though. The first few months we were together he was the most caring person ever. He pursued me the whole time and asked me to be his girlfriend. He did treat me right at the start. Then he started a new job that had him working constant hours managing the place. It was a new business set up. Since then it's been different.

 

Well then it seems hes stressed because of this business and you dont know how much time it will take until he relaxes a bit. Being a bit pessimistic for you a business from scratch can take almost a year to start recovering the money that put on to start it, just saying... But maybe once its running he becomes more involved with you.

 

Is he the man of your dreams? if not... its only been 4 months, thats nothing, plays on your favor to recover fast. You know him better, think he will change?

Edited November 5, 2017 by warp123

[Tweety00]

Well then it seems hes stressed because of this business and you dont know how much time it will take until he relaxes a bit. Being a bit pessimistic for you a business from scratch can take almost a year to start recovering the money that put on to start it, just saying... But maybe once its running he becomes more involved with you.

 

Is he the man of your dreams? if not... its only been 4 months, thats nothing, plays on your favor to recover fast. You know him better, think he will change?

 

I don't know if he's the man of my dreams. I'm only 22. But I do really have feelings for him. I want to be with him properly but I'm scared to bring it up again because he is just going to say let's see how things go. But we know each other for 6 months! He does refer to me as his girlfriend randomly so I don't know. I'm just feeling very anxious about the whole thing.

[staggerlee71]

If you like this guy, see where it goes.

 

What I find interesting about your post is you say he stopped treating you right because of work. That he stopped pursuing you. In my book, those are not action of "not treating you right"

 

sounds like your expectations are a little to lofty. Dial it back. The guy has a life and he has to tend to it. the result will be he cannot pursue you all the time and make you feel sense of comfort. I suggest when he has less time to pursue you, you do a little pursuing. suggesting dates, perhaps insist you pay for one etc. You get what you give in the long run.

 

When he talks of the future, and says it in a "joking way", he is testing your reaction to what he says because he is unsure of how you would respond if he said it seriously. Its also a way for him to show you he is thinking that way without progressing the relationship too fast.

 

Don't push this guy to define your relationship. It will push him away a bit, causing pressure. Besides, they are just words. would you rather have great dates, see him on the regular without defining your relationship or se him very little, get mixed signals but he says your his girlfriend.

 

If you want a relationship, you always have a chance of getting hurt. That's the way it is. there are no guarantees, no matter what he says

 

Relax, enjoy your time with him, focus on your own life a bit more, and go slow. his actions are important, not what he says. His actions show he likes you

[warp123]

I don't know if he's the man of my dreams. I'm only 22. But I do really have feelings for him. I want to be with him properly but I'm scared to bring it up again because he is just going to say let's see how things go. But we know each other for 6 months! He does refer to me as his girlfriend randomly so I don't know. I'm just feeling very anxious about the whole thing.

 

What age is he?

 

And what do you mean by "randomly"?

 

Look i know that in some countries people marry sooner than in others. But in my opinion the early twenties are just the start.

 

 

Due to your age i dont think youve had proper serious relationships to learn what you want in life. Maybe now you fall in love with a guy thats just cute and nice, but after a few relationships you will define what you actually want in life and you will learn than cute, fun or nice arent enough.

 

It doesnt mean that i dont wish that it goes well with him, im just saying that you have all your life ahead if it doesnt work.

[Tweety00]

If you like this guy, see where it goes.

 

What I find interesting about your post is you say he stopped treating you right because of work. That he stopped pursuing you. In my book, those are not action of "not treating you right"

 

sounds like your expectations are a little to lofty. Dial it back. The guy has a life and he has to tend to it. the result will be he cannot pursue you all the time and make you feel sense of comfort. I suggest when he has less time to pursue you, you do a little pursuing. suggesting dates, perhaps insist you pay for one etc. You get what you give in the long run.

 

When he talks of the future, and says it in a "joking way", he is testing your reaction to what he says because he is unsure of how you would respond if he said it seriously. Its also a way for him to show you he is thinking that way without progressing the relationship too fast.

 

Don't push this guy to define your relationship. It will push him away a bit, causing pressure. Besides, they are just words. would you rather have great dates, see him on the regular without defining your relationship or se him very little, get mixed signals but he says your his girlfriend.

 

If you want a relationship, you always have a chance of getting hurt. That's the way it is. there are no guarantees, no matter what he says

 

Relax, enjoy your time with him, focus on your own life a bit more, and go slow. his actions are important, not what he says. His actions show he likes you

 

That's exactly why I didn't want to keep bringing up what we are, last time I asked he said I should relax a bit and let things go as they are. I'll admit I'm a very anxious person in general, an over thinker whereas he's so relaxed about things. It fascinates me. He doesn't seem to worry. When I'm with him I do feel like he has a feelings for me and cares about me. With regards to the joking, it's weird cos we're both young enough so not going to have kids anytime soon but he jokes about it! No idea why!

[Tweety00]

What age is he?

 

And what do you mean by "randomly"?

 

Look i know that in some countries people marry sooner than in others. But in my opinion the early twenties are just the start.

 

 

Due to your age i dont think youve had proper serious relationships to learn what you want in life. Maybe now you fall in love with a guy thats just cute and nice, but after a few relationships you will define what you actually want in life and you will learn than cute, fun or nice arent enough.

 

It doesnt mean that i dont wish that it goes well with him, im just saying that you have all your life ahead if it doesnt work.

 

He is 27. Like he will randomly say how does it feel to be in a relationship with me or like at the cinema he paid for my ticket cos I'm his "girlfriend". This is my first proper relationship, I've been with guys for a few months but I've never had feelings for them like I do for this guy.

[warp123]

He is 27. Like he will randomly say how does it feel to be in a relationship with me or like at the cinema he paid for my ticket cos I'm his "girlfriend". This is my first proper relationship, I've been with guys for a few months but I've never had feelings for them like I do for this guy.

 

Sorry about asking again, but by "randomly" would you say that on certain situations he will say something and in others he wont? Like in front of family, friends, co-workers...

[Tweety00]

Sorry about asking again, but by "randomly" would you say that on certain situations he will say something and in others he wont? Like in front of family, friends, co-workers...

 

He only says it to me. I havent met his friends or coworkers. I have met his mother.

[Tweety00]

If you like this guy, see where it goes.

 

What I find interesting about your post is you say he stopped treating you right because of work. That he stopped pursuing you. In my book, those are not action of "not treating you right"

 

sounds like your expectations are a little to lofty. Dial it back. The guy has a life and he has to tend to it. the result will be he cannot pursue you all the time and make you feel sense of comfort. I suggest when he has less time to pursue you, you do a little pursuing. suggesting dates, perhaps insist you pay for one etc. You get what you give in the long run.

 

When he talks of the future, and says it in a "joking way", he is testing your reaction to what he says because he is unsure of how you would respond if he said it seriously. Its also a way for him to show you he is thinking that way without progressing the relationship too fast.

 

Don't push this guy to define your relationship. It will push him away a bit, causing pressure. Besides, they are just words. would you rather have great dates, see him on the regular without defining your relationship or se him very little, get mixed signals but he says your his girlfriend.

 

If you want a relationship, you always have a chance of getting hurt. That's the way it is. there are no guarantees, no matter what he says

 

Relax, enjoy your time with him, focus on your own life a bit more, and go slow. his actions are important, not what he says. His actions show he likes you

 

But another thing that makes me anxious is his texting. He rarely texts me, he can go days without texting me and even now I sent him a message yesterday and he still hasn't replied. He is very affectionate in person but in between seeing each other I don't hear much. He might text me every 2 or 3 days but he does ignore me too even though he's online posting on social media. Bad sign? That's what makes me confused then when he's joking about the future.

[warp123]

But another thing that makes me anxious is his texting. He rarely texts me, he can go days without texting me and even now I sent him a message yesterday and he still hasn't replied. He is very affectionate in person but in between seeing each other I don't hear much. He might text me every 2 or 3 days but he does ignore me too even though he's online posting on social media. Bad sign? That's what makes me confused then when he's joking about the future.

 

Texting takes 10 seconds. If he doesnt message you i would forget about him, like a said, its been only 4 months, forget him, he is still immature.

[Tweety00]

Texting takes 10 seconds. If he doesnt message you i would forget about him, like a said, its been only 4 months, forget him, he is still immature.

 

It's actually been 6 months but I don't understand why he acts so into me in person but then go days without texting me. How can I be his "girlfriend" like he says if he doesn't reply. And why does he make jokes about the future if he doesn't even reply then!

[smackie9]

Sounds to me he's really trying for you.... that can be good and bad. The way I see it he's not putting a label on because he doesn't know if he can keep this up.

 

Hot cold people get bursts of anxiety about things going too well, or getting too smothered, so they distance themselves til it passes.

 

I don't know why you even bother. This is a compatibility issue. You have certain expectations he doesn't feel comfortable with, him being a private person. He is the way he is and it isn't suitable for you. That's why this has been challenging all this time you have been seeing each other.

[Tweety00]

Texting takes 10 seconds. If he doesnt message you i would forget about him, like a said, its been only 4 months, forget him, he is still immature.

 

His behaviour is really odd to me. Like if he isn't into me then why act like he is in person and joke about the future but then when we're not together be really distant. I don't get it at all. Unless I'm really needy and have too much expectations. But I miss him if I don't hear from him in 2 days but he clearly doesn't. I don't know.

[ExpatInItaly]

I would not keep seeing this guy.

 

Whatever his reasons, he is far too inconsistent for a solid and mature relationship. You will constantly feel anxious and like you're on the fringes of his life. In my experience? These types are best avoided because they never really commit to you.

 

Sorry OP, but I don't see a reason to keep trying here. He's not looking for the same things you are.

[Gaeta]

Why are you in a hurry to make it official with a man that has a history of treating you badly? You keep on seeing him casually and see if he can keep it up. I doubt he can, soon he'll revert to his old self and you'll dump him again..

 

You're only 22 and you think people can change for love, they can't. People do not change. What you see is what you get. After 4 months dating he was neglecting you and taking you for granted. That's what you need to remember. It will not be different this time.

[Tweety00]

Sounds to me he's really trying for you.... that can be good and bad. The way I see it he's not putting a label on because he doesn't know if he can keep this up.

 

Hot cold people get bursts of anxiety about things going too well, or getting too smothered, so they distance themselves til it passes.

 

I don't know why you even bother. This is a compatibility issue. You have certain expectations he doesn't feel comfortable with, him being a private person. He is the way he is and it isn't suitable for you. That's why this has been challenging all this time you have been seeing each other.

 

I just texted him. I said how come you don't text me much if I'm your girlfriend (with a laughing face). He text back saying he's been busy and" I'm not his girlfriend we havent agreed on that yet we're just seeing each other there's a difference". Wow I didn't even reply to that I'm so hurt why call me his girlfriend randomly and say how does it feel to be in a relationship with him. I'm so upset. I'm not his girlfriend but he calls me that in person to get a kick out of leading me on? I don't understand!!!

[smackie9]

I just texted him. I said how come you don't text me much if I'm your girlfriend (with a laughing face). He text back saying he's been busy and" I'm not his girlfriend we havent agreed on that yet we're just seeing each other there's a difference". Wow I didn't even reply to that I'm so hurt why call me his girlfriend randomly and say how does it feel to be in a relationship with him. I'm so upset. I'm not his girlfriend but he calls me that in person to get a kick out of leading me on? I don't understand!!!

Dump this chump already!!

[Gaeta]

I just texted him. I said how come you don't text me much if I'm your girlfriend (with a laughing face). He text back saying he's been busy and" I'm not his girlfriend we havent agreed on that yet we're just seeing each other there's a difference". Wow I didn't even reply to that I'm so hurt why call me his girlfriend randomly and say how does it feel to be in a relationship with him. I'm so upset. I'm not his girlfriend but he calls me that in person to get a kick out of leading me on? I don't understand!!!

 

Do you want a boyfriend so bad that you will accept being laught at like this?

 

Block and delete this guy.

[Tweety00]

Why are you in a hurry to make it official with a man that has a history of treating you badly? You keep on seeing him casually and see if he can keep it up. I doubt he can, soon he'll revert to his old self and you'll dump him again..

 

You're only 22 and you think people can change for love, they can't. People do not change. What you see is what you get. After 4 months dating he was neglecting you and taking you for granted. That's what you need to remember. It will not be different this time.

 

Because I know what he's like. I have feelings for him and I don't want to be lead on if this isn't going anywhere. We know each other 6 months, and him making jokes about the future and calling me his girlfriend then actually saying I'm not hurts. He even said on our last cinema date I'm stuck with him forever now. I text him just now to say how come you don't text me much if I'm your girlfriend (with a laughing face) He text back saying he's been busy and" I'm not his girlfriend we havent agreed on that yet we're just seeing each other there's a difference" what the hell?!?! I'm honestly so hurt I haven't even replied. Am I going crazy or is it really wrong of him to do that?

[Tweety00]

Do you want a boyfriend so bad that you will accept being laught at like this?

 

Block and delete this guy.

 

I sent the laughing face when I sent that text to him so it would seem kind of lighthearted.

[smackie9]

It should NOT be your concern as to what and why he is does this. Your concern should be that you are not being treated the way you want to be treated. He hurts you, confuses you, and he up sets you....your only solution is to stop seeing him.

[Tweety00]

Dump this chump already!!

 

I haven't replied to that text yet. But I feel like I want to tell him get lost yet again. I've had to dump this guy so many times at this stage. Is it some sick joke to act like I'm his girlfriend, joke about us having kids in the future, tell me I'm stuck with him forever and call me his girlfriend randomly to then just tell me in text now I'm not his girlfriend after all. What the hell?!?! Is it right of me to assume I was his girlfriend based on what he said to me?