Nearly 30 days not contact with short term relationship

[Hoy]

Hey everyone,

 

So I met a girl and we had this ridiculous connection. I ended up moving to a city near to hers so that we could explore this connection. We then spent around 3 months together and it was amazing. She kept saying to me how she had never felt this way about a person before.

 

Then we spent a few days in a row together on a trip and at the end of it she said she needed space. Admittedly, I reacted butthurt. She wanted space but still wanted to text. Her texts then started to get very cold. I called her up to ask what was wrong and she said that 'She didn't want to lead me on and that she needed space.'

 

I said that we shouldn't text if she needs space and she said 'Ok, if that's what you want.' I told her that isn't what I want and that I want her but she if she needs space then it makes sense. I told her to text me when she is ready.

 

A week went by and nothing. I then saw on facebook that her friend posted her an image saying 'This is you'. The image said:

 

'Him: Why haven't you text me?

Her: Ok experiment number 604, you're not my man, ok?'

 

Her and friend were then laughing about it and she said 'haha loves this.'

 

I then got very confused and text her asking how she was doing.

 

She then blocked my number and on snapchat...but not on facebook and whatsapp etc.

 

A day later I went on Tinder to make myself feel better, she popped up with recent photos. It really broke me.

 

I was left completely alone in this city. Completely ghosted by her. With no one to talk to. And had no idea what had happened.

 

It's been 26 days since she blocked me (so no contact).

I know that I was probably too needy etc which made her lose attraction. But it was incredibly out of the blue.

 

In these 26 days I have decided to learn to love myself and not go on Tinder or pursue rebounds. I felt the most crippling loneliness of my life in the first 2 weeks, not knowing anyone and having no one to talk to. But I just kept focusing on trying to love myself.

 

I joined a salsa class and I love it! I got promoted in my job. And got my website on the side making money. I've hit the gym like crazy and got in the best shape of my life. I've got out of the incredibly dark spot that I was in.

 

And I decided to start dating again as I felt that I had truly started to love myself. But I still am waiting for her to text me again - which I know is stupid.

 

I just can't stop thinking about her. It was the most out of the blue breakup I have ever experienced and the pain and thoughts of her with other people are insane (I did see on her facebook before I went no contact that she had became friends with four guys, most likely from tinder, before I unfriended her) I decided to completely stop checking up on her as it was only bringing more pain.

 

I'm constantly improving, but I still want her to text. I'm still waiting on it even though I fight every day to take my attention away from thoughts of her.

 

Sorry for the long post, but I've not spoken about this properly since it happened. Thanks to anyone who read it.

Edited November 3, 2017 by Hoy

[Trip2TheSky]

Remember that rejection initiates attraction, obsession and rose colored lenses.

 

Rest assured that she is nothing special and I guarantee that she plays with a lot of men's emotions without batting an eye.

 

Don't be so hard on yourself and don't feel rejected, either.

 

It's the "wanting what you can't have" type of thing and when you realize this, the image of her face will start to fade and you will meet someone who makes you wonder why you ever had a taste for this heartless women.

[Highndry]

When she said she wanted space it was over, she was letting you down easy. That's why she wanted to keep texting. She had probably already met somebody else, and at best was keeping you as a backup. When you suggested her not texting you, she was happy to oblige, it gave her the out she wanted and she was done with you for good.

 

 

"'Him: Why haven't you text me?

Her: Ok experiment number 604, you're not my man, ok?'"

 

This, assuming it was directed at you, should have been all you needed to see to understand not only did she not want to talk to you anymore, she was a selfish, petty, rude and mean person. Why you tried to contact her after seeing this I have absolutely no idea, nor do I understand why you'd ever want to talk to her again. She has treated you with blatant disrespect and has told you and shown you she wants nothing to do with you. She has completely devalued you. You can do much better than her.

[Hoy]

Thanks for the replies guys. I do see all of this now. It's just the attachment that is keeping me thinking of her.

 

I contacted her because when she said she wanted space, she said that she didn't want to give up on it and it would be a shame if it was over and that it would be silly not to text.

So I messaged her because I was confused. But yes I do see now that it was all a way just to slip away easily. When I messaged her, she saw that it wasn't going to be easy and blocked me away (why she didn't block me on everything I have no idea, but oh well.)

 

I am making progress. Last night I went to sleep smiling because I had felt a sense of pride in myself for all I have achieved in the last month. A sense of pride I have not felt before.

 

And yet tonight I suddenly feel the pain I felt right at the start of this experience. It's so exhausting picking myself back up every morning, but I've got to keep fighting.

Edited November 4, 2017 by Hoy

[StephenV]

Hello, Hoy.

 

You have done extraordinarily well since the break up - you have done all the right things and you should be very proud of yourself!

 

She, unfortunately, sounds like a nasty piece of work.

 

Just try to remember that this is all temporary; you won't feel like this forever.

[Hoy]

Thank you so much everyone.

 

You have helped me to see how poorly I was treated and how I shouldn't miss such an awful human. It's hard to see that when you don't have anyone to talk to about the situation to but yourself.

 

Last night was the perspective shift I needed. No longer am I living with the idea of 'maybe she will eventually miss me and text'. Now I don't want her to text!

I don't ever want to talk to her again.

 

Now I can really start to heal. I know you shouldn't have a victim mentality...but I didn't deserve this! I deserve better than this!

 

I'm a good person with so much going for me.

 

Thanks guys.

[lostsoul4286]

This sounds similar to my situation. Although her facade almost lasted 5 months. It felt so perfect and was so intense I was going to propose to her on our 5 month anniversary on a bridge she wanted to visit; even had a photographer ready. Then all of a sudden she flipped like a light switch. I lowered my guard down lower than usually would have within this time frame because our families were close and my family knew them for decades. My aunt even vouched for her like she was the most selfless, kindest, person in the world. She even kept threatening me that if I hurt her in any way she'd cut my nuts off and would never speak to me again. Needless to say, I cut her off too for not sticking up for me when sh*t hit the fan and needed her to stay off my back while I healed and was on the floor emotionally. This is one relationship that definitely made me hit my lowest point in life.

 

But fortunately between therapy, a new woman that blows her away, and time, I've been able to move forward. The wound is still there and I'm still mourning, but I'm back almost at full capacity when it comes to my life and professional endeavors. It helps to have this place whenever I have my moments (which sometimes come out of the blue and stay for days), to rant and rave.

 

Just know we're experiencing loss here and we're totally feeling your pain. Sending you e-hugs brother.

[Hoy]

Thanks for the ehugs lostsoul. I'm happy that you were able to move forward.

I'm still hurting pretty bad...which I am ashamed to say.

 

How long did it take for the burn to go away with you?

[lostsoul4286]

Thanks for the ehugs lostsoul. I'm happy that you were able to move forward.

I'm still hurting pretty bad...which I am ashamed to say.

 

How long did it take for the burn to go away with you?

 

 

The burn = wound, and its still there. What helps me moving forward even on the heaviest of days is venting to my cousin who knew her crazy side, my therapist, and this forum. I needed to get a therapist because this took me to a dark, dark place. Plus this has never happened before and I need to dig deep to see what I did to have even my intuition fail me on this one. In a nutshell when someone just ups and leaves you like that you have to sternly tell yourself that you never truly knew her, it was a facade, her maturity is in question, self-reflection is in order, and you have to truly find your self worth. Forget pride or ego, for me also self-respect, dignity is what kept me from contacting her before I got with my new girl, and truly connecting with myself and being skillful is what's always been my happy place, and I just needed to return to that.

 

There's a huge chance she'll come running after you after you initiate a couple of months of NC and truly get her out of your head. Me personally, even if I become single again, I'd never take back my ex, too much of a risk that honestly I can't afford, too much to lose, and people rarely truly change. Even if they do change, it doesn't happen overnight and it takes years. I'm not waiting or holding out, I have a female friend who's pretty much a sociopath and was is now 40 and divorced, still living the same vicious cycle.

Edited November 5, 2017 by lostsoul4286

[Hoy]

What makes you say there is a huge chance? My exes do always contact me but with this one, thinking that she would contact one day is making it hard to move on.

 

I have also decided to not date currently as it was just not making me feel good. So moving on is very tough atm as I don't have any friends in the city and I'm always attending social events like salsa and run club but my energy is just not great atm.

 

It's good that you kept your pride and didn't contact her. I am nearly at 30 days now and proud that I didn't make a fool of myself.

[StephenV]

There's a huge chance she'll come running after you after you initiate a couple of months of NC and truly get her out of your head.

 

Saying things like this is really unhelpful. This may have happened to you, but it is rare, and they often do not come back. You are giving OP false hope and things to cling on to.

 

OP, it's unlikely your ex will contact you - that's a fantasy that you'll want to cling to because it relieves your pain. Please try to get that out of your head.

[JimmyNYC]

Hoy. Sorry to hear about your pain. Got a few comments. But first how long exactly were you two dating before she broke up?

 

I know you have feelings for this girl and there's nothing I or anyone else can say that will change that. However, from what your wrote about her post breakup behavior it sounds like she is a girl "playa", if you know what I mean. Therefore, don't take it personally. I mean don't think she broke up with you because there is something wrong with you. This is her MO. Meet lots of guys, use them, get what she wants, and move on to the next victim. You seem like a great guy looking for a girl for an LTR. You need to screen for and stay away from girl players. and you will eventually find the right fit for you in a woman. Water seeks it's own level. But yes, she burned you and it stings for awhile. How long? I'm not sure. Even though I broke up with this girl I was dating for 3 months, I still feel like I was the one that got burned. It still stings everyday. My story is below if you'd like to read and comment.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/640122-did-i-do-right-thing-breaking-up-her

[Hoy]

Yeah it is only in the last week that I have stopped clinging to that. It's hard because in all of my relationships, they have contacted after no contact. One even came and knocked on my window crying.

 

I do agree that it creates false hope and my fragile state will cling to it. I am working hard to try and rid myself of that hope, as I know how counter productive it is for healing.

[lostsoul4286]

Saying things like this is really unhelpful. This may have happened to you, but it is rare, and they often do not come back. You are giving OP false hope and things to cling on to.

 

OP, it's unlikely your ex will contact you - that's a fantasy that you'll want to cling to because it relieves your pain. Please try to get that out of your head.

 

All the exes that have been like this, and from friends show this behavior. I'm not saying this is a good thing, that means to them this is a game. Its insulting, demoralizing, and that person should be avoided at all costs. That back and forth in relationships is only for RomComs, not for real life.

[lostsoul4286]

What makes you say there is a huge chance? My exes do always contact me but with this one, thinking that she would contact one day is making it hard to move on.

 

I have also decided to not date currently as it was just not making me feel good. So moving on is very tough atm as I don't have any friends in the city and I'm always attending social events like salsa and run club but my energy is just not great atm.

 

It's good that you kept your pride and didn't contact her. I am nearly at 30 days now and proud that I didn't make a fool of myself.

 

 

Its not pride, its self-respect. Plus the new girl I have completely blows my ex away. The pain I'm feeling is just the betrayal and normal emotional mourning one would get when you have a loss after letting someone in that deep. It was an error on my part and I've learned. Now I'm in a better relationship, I'll get over the facade that existed before, and all will be well. You'll get over this too. No matter what happens, remember that no one deserves to be treated this way, and once they do this, chances are it'll happen again.

[Hoy]

Hey guys, sorry I stopped replying on this. It suddenly dawned on me that I needed to get away from anything related to the word 'ex'. I was feeding myself a bad mental diet and it wasn't helping me to move on. So I left the youtube videos and the forum posts behind.

 

But I have come back with a message of hope...and to request a little bit of help.

 

It's been nearly 2 months now of no contact, and I feel so much better! It really does fade. I didn't think it would ever disappear but it did. And I did it the healthy way with no rebounds, no swiping Tinder, nothing...I just focused on me and my mission and purpose.

 

I focused on my job as a teacher, my side business and reaffirmed my goals. I stopped living for chasing after women and relationships and decided to try and bring wealth into my life so I could give my hard-working mother the retirement she deserves...and give myself the life I deserve.

 

It will get better! Trust me. Just focus on you! You will find your inner smile!

 

[]

And I hope that you all can focus on your goals...and most importantly, yourself! Because you are a strong, valuable person! And don't let someone else decide your value.

 

You're awesome!

Edited December 9, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Personal content redacted