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Why is my ex so mean to me?


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I met a man at work who works as a manager in an office in another city in the US (I work abroad). We had a great one night together and really had a lot of chemistry, and then he had to go.

 

For six months we kept in touch, though I knew that he had been divorced 3 times and had a bad record in terms of past trials for adultery and other things. He also has a major temper and anger management problem and when he doesn't like something he blocked me and then apologized.

 

His Facebook also says he is married but he swore to me it was not actualized and he was really divorced...he even introduced me to his kids when we talked on line. Most of his pictures were of him alone everywhere and for six months he was counting the days until he got here, telling me how much he wanted to be near me, how much he desired me, etc. He sent me his itinerary when he came on business and I waited for him at the airport, he even said he wanted to spend every night with me.

 

When we met it was great, but he said he had not slept from excitement the whole night. The minute we got to the hotel we had sex and then he went to sleep and when we went to dinner his energy was off, he was antsy, nervous, constantly texting, saying he had a lot to do at the hotel. He was getting very nervous. So I did not spend the night. Then after that I told him it was unfair that he had made me make plans only to say he was "busy" when he knew he was coming for 6 months.

 

He blatantly told me to f off for calling out his character and blocked me. I tried to reach out to calm him down and saw him at work. He got very intimidated because I was sitting in a room behind him going through an audit and wrote me an email saying "Why are you there? what if others see? I need this job to feed my family" I got freaked out because the message came at 2 am on my phone (on his screen he said it was 9 am and that I was crazy, insane, etc). I told him I was in that room because that is my office and I told him that his behavior was worrisome. He then sent multiple all caps texts "YOU are worried by MY behavior? That is RICH" "LEAVE. ME. ALONE" and not to contact him etc and threatening to expose our texts to HR.

 

I have not heard from him since. WTF did I do wrong and what can I do now? Did he just use me for sex and I cannot stop crying since we broke up.

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Yes he just used you for sex. He lied about not being married. Stop trying to communicate with him and leave him alone before you end up in trouble. You should have stopped yourself from pursuing him when you saw that his FB status still said married.

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Broke up? Were you ever even together?

 

No we were not "together" as such. But he would contact me all the time telling me how he missed me, how he wanted me, could not wait to hold me, would count the days....we had arguments and I said I was done and he would ALWAYS ask for a "reset".

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Yes he just used you for sex. He lied about not being married. Stop trying to communicate with him and leave him alone before you end up in trouble. You should have stopped yourself from pursuing him when you saw that his FB status still said married.

 

 

Not much trouble I could get into. I really did not contact him as much as he contacted me. I simply would contact him with normal stuff and affectionate stuff and he would contact me with all these passionate texts and pictures of himself (not vile or anything). After the "break up" (I cannot think of a better word) I found out that despite his illustrious career, he has a strange past where he was convicted in the military of adultery with a woman he was also talking to via electronic means while married and that he drank too much and grabbed a woman by the throat and pushed her and that he sat on another's face.

 

 

He also swore to me when I confronted him about his married status that it is not actualized, that he had just reactivated his account for his reunion and introduced me to his son to prove it to me. The thing is he was born Jewish and when I mentioned a beautiful book I bought in Jerusalem, he said incredibly anti-Semitic things and I told him it's offensive and he had a major temper meltdown and blocked me and again asked for a reset.

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No we were not "together" as such. But he would contact me all the time telling me how he missed me, how he wanted me, could not wait to hold me, would count the days....we had arguments and I said I was done and he would ALWAYS ask for a "reset".

 

Of course he would because you were an easy lay whenever he came back.

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The man was waving all kinds of red flags and you chose to walk right in -- eyes open. You need to have better standards and boundaries. Don't settle just because you're desperate to have a relationship/someone in your life.

 

Yes, he used you for sex and asking for a reset was his way of just returning to someone that he knew he could get benefits from.

 

All this is pretty clear. I'm not sure why you're expecting decent behavior from a man that has such a bad track record.

 

You stay absolute NO CONTACT with him. Stay out of his way. Don't even look at him. Have a little to do with him unless it is about work.

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I will stay no contact because now that I found out that he has this track record and his temper tantrum scared me and I almost felt safe that I was not in the same room with him.

 

 

I had dates with other men in this country but for some reason the first time I saw this man I felt like lightning strike me and I had no clue about his past. Objectively speaking, I guess he is a very average looking guy but to me he was the sexiest man on earth and I told him so. Objectively speaking, I am considered pretty good looking as the women who are from my parents country are what society deems as "lookers" though I personally grew up in a different place and don't buy the stereotypes, not to mention I am 40 and getting old. He always said he could not believe I had chosen him and swore he cared about my intelligence not just looks and would NEVER brag to anyone about me.

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He's mean because he's not a balanced well adjusted person. He already had 3 divorces & an admitted anger management program. He'd block you. What he told you did not match with other info available to you.

 

 

You picked a bad guy. Be happy he's being mean to you because that alone is giving you the impetus you need to stay away. If he wasn't being an absolute horror you'd be trying to excuse & justify his behavior which would only expose you to more heartache.

 

 

Lick your wounds but put this guy in your rear view mirror.

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He then sent multiple all caps texts "YOU are worried by MY behavior? That is RICH" "LEAVE. ME. ALONE" and not to contact him etc and threatening to expose our texts to HR.

 

Not much trouble I could get into.

 

I wouldn't call his threat to expose your texts to HR "not much trouble". If nothing else it will give you a bad reputation. You don't want to go there.

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True. I wouldn't but he has more to lose because he was always writing about sex and what an amazing body I had and how he had not had sex in 6 months and all this sexting. He has 4 kids and is too management while I am on contract and have relative financial security.

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Goodness me, this man did you a favour. He is a disaster! Forget him and run for the hills. Bock him on everything.

 

What you did wrong was picking him in the first place.

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Based on what you wrote it very much sounds like you were played, and I would bet that his marriage isn't over yet, or he is hiding something else.

 

If you knew of his character, why did you get involved in the first place?

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I met a man at work who works as a manager in an office in another city in the US (I work abroad). We had a great one night together and really had a lot of chemistry, and then he had to go.

 

For six months we kept in touch, though I knew that he had been divorced 3 times and had a bad record in terms of past trials for adultery and other things. He also has a major temper and anger management problem and when he doesn't like something he blocked me and then apologized.

 

His Facebook also says he is married but he swore to me it was not actualized and he was really divorced...he even introduced me to his kids when we talked on line. Most of his pictures were of him alone everywhere and for six months he was counting the days until he got here, telling me how much he wanted to be near me, how much he desired me, etc. He sent me his itinerary when he came on business and I waited for him at the airport, he even said he wanted to spend every night with me.

 

When we met it was great, but he said he had not slept from excitement the whole night. The minute we got to the hotel we had sex and then he went to sleep and when we went to dinner his energy was off, he was antsy, nervous, constantly texting, saying he had a lot to do at the hotel. He was getting very nervous. So I did not spend the night. Then after that I told him it was unfair that he had made me make plans only to say he was "busy" when he knew he was coming for 6 months.

 

He blatantly told me to f off for calling out his character and blocked me. I tried to reach out to calm him down and saw him at work. He got very intimidated because I was sitting in a room behind him going through an audit and wrote me an email saying "Why are you there? what if others see? I need this job to feed my family" I got freaked out because the message came at 2 am on my phone (on his screen he said it was 9 am and that I was crazy, insane, etc). I told him I was in that room because that is my office and I told him that his behavior was worrisome. He then sent multiple all caps texts "YOU are worried by MY behavior? That is RICH" "LEAVE. ME. ALONE" and not to contact him etc and threatening to expose our texts to HR.

 

I have not heard from him since. WTF did I do wrong and what can I do now? Did he just use me for sex and I cannot stop crying since we broke up.

 

First of all, he did not use you. You allowed yourself to be used by a man you barely knew. You have to take accountability for your own actions in order to be able to leave this experience behind you and learn from it. You slept with each other and apparently without any discussions about dating goals and expectations.

 

Nevertheless, he had no intentions of having anything beyond sex with you. But you did not do enough to properly screen and evaluate his suitability for having a relationship let alone taking your own safety into account.

 

I cannot stop crying since we broke up -- There was no "break up". You have to have been in a declared relationship in order to break up.

 

Put your big girl pants on and move forward. You should be able to do that given the fact that this man became abusive and threatening.

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What did you do wrong? You avoided the obvious red flags because you went for the chemistry instead. Bites you in the butt every time.

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he had been divorced 3 times and had a bad record in terms of past trials for adultery and other things. He also has a major temper and anger management problem and when he doesn't like something he blocked me and then apologized. -

 

You really want to date (or even interact with) somebody like this??????

 

He'd have probably beaten you up and given you a bouquet of STDs if you stayed in a 'relationship' with him :sick::sick::sick:

 

He didn't use you, that's his character. Thank your lucky stars he removed himself from his life without major consequences...

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The sooner you accept your responsibility in all of this, the sooner you will be able to let go.

 

You keep focusing on everything he's done to you -- BUT there were red flags literally slapping you in the face but you chose to engage with him. And you're still surprised at his behavior when it was/is expected. Did you think he was suddenly going to be Prince Charming for you? Start focusing on the reality as to who he is.

 

The question shouldn't be if he used you, but why you allowed yourself to be used.

 

There was no break-up. There was a brief and casual encounter that turned out to be a disaster. Count your lucky starts that this is over.

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I met a man at work who works as a manager in an office in another city in the US (I work abroad). We had a great one night together and really had a lot of chemistry, and then he had to go.

 

For six months we kept in touch, though I knew that he had been divorced 3 times and had a bad record in terms of past trials for adultery and other things. He also has a major temper and anger management problem and when he doesn't like something he blocked me and then apologized.

 

His Facebook also says he is married but he swore to me it was not actualized and he was really divorced...he even introduced me to his kids when we talked on line. Most of his pictures were of him alone everywhere and for six months he was counting the days until he got here, telling me how much he wanted to be near me, how much he desired me, etc. He sent me his itinerary when he came on business and I waited for him at the airport, he even said he wanted to spend every night with me.

 

When we met it was great, but he said he had not slept from excitement the whole night. The minute we got to the hotel we had sex and then he went to sleep and when we went to dinner his energy was off, he was antsy, nervous, constantly texting, saying he had a lot to do at the hotel. He was getting very nervous. So I did not spend the night. Then after that I told him it was unfair that he had made me make plans only to say he was "busy" when he knew he was coming for 6 months.

 

He blatantly told me to f off for calling out his character and blocked me. I tried to reach out to calm him down and saw him at work. He got very intimidated because I was sitting in a room behind him going through an audit and wrote me an email saying "Why are you there? what if others see? I need this job to feed my family" I got freaked out because the message came at 2 am on my phone (on his screen he said it was 9 am and that I was crazy, insane, etc). I told him I was in that room because that is my office and I told him that his behavior was worrisome. He then sent multiple all caps texts "YOU are worried by MY behavior? That is RICH" "LEAVE. ME. ALONE" and not to contact him etc and threatening to expose our texts to HR.

 

I have not heard from him since. WTF did I do wrong and what can I do now? Did he just use me for sex and I cannot stop crying since we broke up.


 

My dear he's married and having extramarital affairs with you. You were lied too by him. He was just using you when he was out of town and was able to see you when he could. Even though you met the kids that doesn't mean anything. You knew what you was getting involved with. I met someone from my job as well I had made sure she wasn't married, never take their word for it just so some checking. Anyway just don't have anything to do with this jerk he's not worth your time and effort. Next time find someone else who doesn't have so much temper anger issues this guy is classic example to one. He called you F-word right there do not even see or talk to him ever again. Disrespectful to you and doesn't appreciate the fact you put so much time into this relationship (more like casual sex to me without any attachments. You really not around him 24/7 he can haven any women he wants to be with when he's not with you. Just have to remember this something you never know how it will turn out or end. Let him go to HR he had sex with you knowing he wasn't single. He verbal abuse you mentally and emotionally. He's the one to blame not you remember that. Your the victim here not him.

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mortensorchid

Don't spend too much time worried about what you did or didn't do, just MOVE ON. He sounds like a nutcase.

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I am sorry you had this experience. You sound young and are still learning.

 

This guy is a user and a liar. You have found out his true character now, so please cut him off and keep away from him. He is a whole load of trouble.

 

There were two major warning signs that are worth paying attention to next time you find yourself getting interested in someone:

 

1. Uncertain marital status - best not to believe but wait until you have evidence. If he is honest, he will take you to meet his family and friends (do not go anywhere with a stranger until you know him well).

 

2. Anger problem. This is a serious matter. Guys with anger problems can only try to 'manage' them. The underlying anger is still there and ready to surface at any point. If you see any evidence that a guy has flashes of anger that cause him to behave rudely (e.g. cutting you off or blocking you when he should be able to control himself and reply rationally), then do not get involved with him. He cannot (or is unwilling to) control his angry impulses.

 

The guy you met lied to get you into bed. Then he did not care about you. This is no reflection on you. It is only a reflection on his behaviour. Learn from the experience and make sure you only spend time with guys who are caring and respectful in future.

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Based on what you wrote it very much sounds like you were played, and I would bet that his marriage isn't over yet, or he is hiding something else.

 

If you knew of his character, why did you get involved in the first place?

 

 

 

I did not know all the stuff I found out later at the time. This was my misfortune and a good lesson to find out more about a person before diving in.

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he had been divorced 3 times and had a bad record in terms of past trials for adultery and other things. He also has a major temper and anger management problem and when he doesn't like something he blocked me and then apologized. -

 

You really want to date (or even interact with) somebody like this??????

 

He'd have probably beaten you up and given you a bouquet of STDs if you stayed in a 'relationship' with him :sick::sick::sick:

 

He didn't use you, that's his character. Thank your lucky stars he removed himself from his life without major consequences...

 

 

 

You are right, I found out later that in the military he grabbed a woman by the throat and pushed her down to the ground and sat on another one, so maybe he could have been violent. Yes, he may have been young then, but hitting once....I am lucky I got away form him for good.

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