It's over and I keep blaming me

[Travel87]

Long story short we have broken up and my heart feels shattered. There has been a number of issues in our relationship lately and yesterday for example felt like the final straw. I didn't feel respected or appreciated anymore and 1 day to the next she would be hot then extremely cold with me where i might not hear from her all day and she would seem off.

 

I understand people have good and bad days but npw im regretting my decision yesterday. Basically we had arranged to meet after work to fetch my car from the garage as she finishes at 5. I'd text her earlier to say I'm leaving the garage now and will be glad when it's picked up later. She replied 'get home safe' which was lovely. Then I replied to her about how k love her and how I was back ok and had no reply. Later that night I heard nothing. It got to 5.30... Then 6 and so on. I didn't want to text her so I decided to get a friend to take me. Later that evening about 6.30 I drove to her house and said 'did you forget we had plans tonight' she said 'no and don't start today please ive had a horrible day at work' i then did something j now regret... I sat her down and said 'this isn't working is it for you' she said nothing is wrong and I wouldn't accept it an said 'if nothing is wrong how was I sat waiting and didn't even get a text to say you're not meeting anymore or that I should fetch my car myself? It always seems to be hot and cold' she then told me how she didn't think it would come back and that it's over between us.

 

I know i may me feeling how I am due to the breakup being raw but I have woken up devastated and wishing now that I just never went down. I'm over thinking that she has ended this because I went down to say something's wrong rather than just leaving her. I understand people have bad days at work but am i way off the mark to have complained about it? I feel horrendous today and with Xmas around the corner I'm gutted

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm sorry to hear this, OP.

 

This break-up was coming. Maybe she wouldn't have broken up with you yesterday, but it would have happened sooner or later. She has clearly checked out of your relationship. Something is definitely wrong when your own girlfriend doesn't even have the basic courtesy to let you know that your plans together were canceled. Anyone would have felt dismissed and disrespected by her behaviour. This wasn't just a bad day, in my opinion. This was a pattern of cold and distant behaviour, according to what you wrote, which indicated she was heading toward ending it regardless.

 

Please don't be too hard on yourself. I know you are kicking yourself now, but I feel this break-up was inevitable. She just didn't know how to tell you it was over for her.

[HumanMachine]

Did you enjoy that feeling of waking up and not knowing whether the person you love is even going to bother contacting you? Did you enjoy her taking her ‘bad day’ out on you?

 

I was in the same boat and I certainly didn’t. I am now free and whilst I still miss her, not having to deal with her mood swings and being her emotional punching bag is a bloody good feeling.

 

No you’re not off the mark to complain about it. You’re supposed to be in a relationship, where communication is key. If your partner is not interested in contacting you or is letting you down, you have the right to question her commitment.

[BluesPower]

Brother, get a grip...

 

She is not in to you. Maybe she wants to be, thus the hot and cold but she is not.

 

You should have broken up with her already. You are being kind of weak in this situation, to start with.

 

If you have to track down a girl to find out why she did not text or show up, then you have no reason to track her down. You should already know the reason, at the very least you should have enough self-respect to not go chasing her.

 

What she did was wrong, you should have been pissed, and she should have had enough ball to tell you she is done.

 

Let this one go...

[Travel87]

She did confess when we spoke that she has been thinking something is missing and I know i have to work on myself and what I do wrong to cause this also but it's such a horrible feeling especially at this time of year to wake up knowing your relationship is over for good. This was our 2nd chance which I now know is 100% over as I did say to her just last week that for me this is the last shot.

 

Yesterday she said she wasn't sure how she feels, we had just returned from a lovely holiday where she said she was falling all over again for me. I then suggested yesterday that maybe it's due to all the travel she's doing for work that we are distant so I gave her 2 options. Meet me more this weekend and see if it comes back or walk away... She looked me in the eyes and said 'I think it's best we leave it now' game over. I feel sorry for her also as I know she didn't do any of this on purpose and has been trying but for me whenever she tried its came across hot.. Then the moment her doubts crept back in it was cold and for me it felt like emotional torture trying to keep my mouth shut as not to pressure her or cause an argument but the past 3 months I've felt this horrible doubt everyday that today is the final day. For the record she did end this relationship 3 times in the past 3 months. I knew deep down 3 months ago that the girl who used to text me when she woke up, the girl who couldn't stand going a few hours without talking to me, the girl who'd go out her way to see me, the girl who used to ring me to say she hates being alone in the house... that girl was long gone

[Travel87]

Can I ask everyone's opinion on moving on... friends have suggested blocking her on everything but I feel thsts petty and shows her im struggling to get over her. I have come to terms already that it's over because knew it was 3 months ago in all honesty.

 

I kind of feel for me it would be best to just get on and carry on as I would normally but friends are all saying blocking her is a must.

[HumanMachine]

She did confess when we spoke that she has been thinking something is missing and I know i have to work on myself and what I do wrong to cause this also but it's such a horrible feeling especially at this time of year to wake up knowing your relationship is over for good. This was our 2nd chance which I now know is 100% over as I did say to her just last week that for me this is the last shot.

 

Yesterday she said she wasn't sure how she feels, we had just returned from a lovely holiday where she said she was falling all over again for me. I then suggested yesterday that maybe it's due to all the travel she's doing for work that we are distant so I gave her 2 options. Meet me more this weekend and see if it comes back or walk away... She looked me in the eyes and said 'I think it's best we leave it now' game over. I feel sorry for her also as I know she didn't do any of this on purpose and has been trying but for me whenever she tried its came across hot.. Then the moment her doubts crept back in it was cold and for me it felt like emotional torture trying to keep my mouth shut as not to pressure her or cause an argument but the past 3 months I've felt this horrible doubt everyday that today is the final day. For the record she did end this relationship 3 times in the past 3 months. I knew deep down 3 months ago that the girl who used to text me when she woke up, the girl who couldn't stand going a few hours without talking to me, the girl who'd go out her way to see me, the girl who used to ring me to say she hates being alone in the house... that girl was long gone

 

Yep long gone. 3 months is enough time for her to realise that you aren’t for her. The spark simply isn’t there.

 

Now stop feeling sorry for her and concentrate on yourself.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, blocking someone isn't being petty, it's self-preservation.

 

And I hate to tell you, but if she wanted this break-up, she won't be paying extra close attention to what you're doing in terms of blocking or not. The same goes for her knowing you're struggling; she already knows that. What difference does it make?

 

Your priority now needs to be looking after yourself, not worrying about you look to her.

[Beachead]

Long story short we have broken up and my heart feels shattered. There has been a number of issues in our relationship lately and yesterday for example felt like the final straw. I didn't feel respected or appreciated anymore and 1 day to the next she would be hot then extremely cold with me where i might not hear from her all day and she would seem off.

 

I understand people have good and bad days but npw im regretting my decision yesterday. Basically we had arranged to meet after work to fetch my car from the garage as she finishes at 5. I'd text her earlier to say I'm leaving the garage now and will be glad when it's picked up later. She replied 'get home safe' which was lovely. Then I replied to her about how k love her and how I was back ok and had no reply. Later that night I heard nothing. It got to 5.30... Then 6 and so on. I didn't want to text her so I decided to get a friend to take me. Later that evening about 6.30 I drove to her house and said 'did you forget we had plans tonight' she said 'no and don't start today please ive had a horrible day at work' i then did something j now regret... I sat her down and said 'this isn't working is it for you' she said nothing is wrong and I wouldn't accept it an said 'if nothing is wrong how was I sat waiting and didn't even get a text to say you're not meeting anymore or that I should fetch my car myself? It always seems to be hot and cold' she then told me how she didn't think it would come back and that it's over between us.

 

I know i may me feeling how I am due to the breakup being raw but I have woken up devastated and wishing now that I just never went down. I'm over thinking that she has ended this because I went down to say something's wrong rather than just leaving her. I understand people have bad days at work but am i way off the mark to have complained about it? I feel horrendous today and with Xmas around the corner I'm gutted

 

I feel your ex treated you the same way as mine did before I chose to finally end it with her.

 

Again, it seems these days, people like to use other peoples hearts as play things. They don't seem mindful of someone elses emotions or the fact that they have the power to really destroy a person who's invested in them. Being someone's girlfriend/boyriend isn't to be taken lightly. It means someone has chosen you to be number 1. They see potential for a future with you. They want you to meet the most important people in the world to them which is their family and eventually become a part of it. They have chosen you to receive the best of them. All their love. Time. Energy. Resources. They're invested.

 

So you have every right to feel disrespected and unappreciated. She stood her boyfriend up. Felt no remorse for it and then when you were rightfully upset, she made it about her. She should have called you but she didn't because she already had one foot out the door and had been planning to leave for quite sometime. I assume she had been behaving in this manner for awhile. The way someone treats you is a reflection of whats going on in their mind. If she's hot and cold in her actions, it's because she feels hot and cold about you. Now, if she didn't want to be in this, she should have showed you the respect and put an end to it instead of dragging your heart through the mud with her bs behaviour. Even if you two get back together, the relationship will have the same problems. Whatever was turning her off will continue to be that way.

 

Don't try to work it out. Don't try to be friends. Right now, you need to be as far away from this toxic woman as possible so that you can heal your mind, heart and soul. Block her social media so you don't see her activity online and block her number so you don't receive any meaningless texts or calls from her. The only thing staying in contact with her will accomplish is mess with your head and disrupt your healing. You don't need that.

 

Goodluck

Edited November 3, 2017 by Beachead

[Travel87]

I've blocked her on everything and my god... this feels horrendous I know I won't hear from her and shouldn't want to but I hate that I'm missing her this much.

[Coffeeguy]

Yep, sounds like my ex. Love bombed you then put up her little wall because she has mental issues.

 

Keep her blocked.

[Travel87]

That's the thing though we had amazing memories and the 1 time we broke up before she actually contacted me. It's not like the whole relationship was terrible but this past 3 months haven't been easy.

 

I know I'll get over it but all im seeing right now are the amazing times not the ones where I would feel anxious waiting to see if she's cancel or decide to not give it another go. She was the 1 who text me to make up and since then I've been the one anxious that it's going down the sink again.

 

Has anyone noticed that however strong you think you are a breakup can make the hardest person feel unbelievably weak. I've handled loads in my life losing loved ones etc and this is probably worse and I dont know why. Im trting to watch a film but deciding between a comedy (When I don't feel like laughing) or another film that will have a love scene in it isn't nice haha

 

I'd just like to state the relationship wasn't 3 month long that was just the 2nd attempt after we hit a wall after some amazing times together even living together

[Coffeeguy]

That's the thing though we had amazing memories and the 1 time we broke up before she actually contacted me. It's not like the whole relationship was terrible but this past 3 months haven't been easy.

 

I know I'll get over it but all im seeing right now are the amazing times not the ones where I would feel anxious waiting to see if she's cancel or decide to not give it another go. She was the 1 who text me to make up and since then I've been the one anxious that it's going down the sink again.

 

Has anyone noticed that however strong you think you are a breakup can make the hardest person feel unbelievably weak. I've handled loads in my life losing loved ones etc and this is probably worse and I dont know why. Im trting to watch a film but deciding between a comedy (When I don't feel like laughing) or another film that will have a love scene in it isn't nice haha

 

I'd just like to state the relationship wasn't 3 month long that was just the 2nd attempt after we hit a wall after some amazing times together even living together

 

I was emotionally abused to utter ***** by someone for almost two years. I could have walked away on day three when she texted "I love you" but of course, I didn't. After all, I'm such a forgiving guy and all.

 

I haven't talked to her in a month and I'm still feeling the lingering effects. I keep remembering all the "I love you" and "please don't ever leave me" in between the long stretches of her starting fights on purpose to anger me so she could block me and say "Look at all the mean things you say!"

 

My mind tricks me by putting the wretched little witch in good light despite the fact she started an argument via text pretending to be her own mother. I obviously never think of her constant lying and two-faced backstabbing. I thought I was special because we kept getting back together. Now I see I was just a bag of meat for her to take her stuff out on.

 

I completely hate her. I wish the worst. I hope she ends up with a wife beater who treats her like garbage.

 

This is where you'll be if you don't keep the no contact going. Sounds fun, right?

[StephenV]

Hey,

 

Please try not to blame yourself. Your confidence and self-esteem is very low right now due to the way she's treated you throughout the relationship and at the break up; none of this is your fault. You sound like a very kind, decent person.

 

The comment, "please don't start today, I've had a long day" is the typical kinds of comments emotional/psychological abusers will tell you, to make you confused and to make you think you're being too sensitive/too demanding/too needy; but it's not the case.

 

The constant break ups and getting back together - this is all part of a cycle of abuse and is not normal behaviour (I think you know that, anyway)

 

I would advise you to go to the Good Therapy blog, the BPD Family website and also read about emotional abuse - it's very likely you'll find a lot of resources that will ring true for you, and also help you.

 

Please do not blame yourself, here. The problem is her, not you.

[Travel87]

My main worry is time now. This time last year I was planning to attend xmas markets, fireworks doos, had my own house, a good job and was trying for a baby.

 

Roll the clock forward a year I've no plans, girlfriend leaves, I've had to move into a friends house and rent a room as couldn't afford the house alone and I'm mid 30s. I feel a bit like my chances are coming and going. I can't believe how low I feel and stupidly I looked at the girlfriends snap chat story last night 24 hours after ending it and she was out guys kissing her cheek an so on. I dont care if it's a friend or if she moves on its more the fact that I couldn't believe this woman I loved to bits and said she did me could be that insensitive 24 hours after knowing she's broke my heart. It's true that you only get the respect you demand and I need to work on that big time as being the nice guy hasn't got me anywhere. I'm a good looking lad without sounding big headed and woman seem to act like they can't believe their luck when they get with me... move forward a few months and I feel like I'm either meeting the wrong people or I'm far too soft. I just can't stand seeing people upset or down but then I look like a pushover.

Edited November 4, 2017 by Travel87

[StephenV]

"women seem to act like they can't believe their luck when they get with me..."

 

This interested me; in what ways do they act, what do you mean? Do they show you a lot of affection, want to spend a lot of time with you, etc?

[sandylee1]

She's not ready too tie herself down and is enjoying her new job.

 

The way she left you to pick up your car was awful. That shows her heart wasn't in it anymore .

 

You'll be okay in time. Just take it one day at a time.

[Travel87]

"women seem to act like they can't believe their luck when they get with me..."

 

This interested me; in what ways do they act, what do you mean? Do they show you a lot of affection, want to spend a lot of time with you, etc?

 

They actually tell me 'I can't believe my luck' I don't tend to read into this I wait to hear it.

[Travel87]

She's not ready too tie herself down and is enjoying her new job.

 

The way she left you to pick up your car was awful. That shows her heart wasn't in it anymore .

 

You'll be okay in time. Just take it one day at a time.

 

This sums it up in the easiest way possible thankyou. I knew it deep down too but my stomach turned everytime I thought this

[sandylee1]

This sums it up in the easiest way possible thankyou. I knew it deep down too but my stomach turned everytime I thought this

 

Your welcome.

 

There's just no way anyone would do what she did, without profusely apologising.

 

You only do that when you no longer care.

 

Actually one of the places you mentioned that she was away working in is my home town.

 

You will be okay. It hurts a lot initially .... but it's much better to know now that she's not the one for you.

 

You sound like a nice person and when you're ready... I'm sure you'll make someone very happy.