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Longterm GF Broke Up and Ghosted.


Breaks and Breaking Up It happens to most everyone at some point in life! Share your experiences!

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Old 2nd November 2017, 9:36 PM   #1
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Longterm GF Broke Up and Ghosted.

This is going to be long, but please read it. This is an entire three year relationship so bare with me.


My girlfriend and I had been together and living with each other for a little over 3 years. I'm 25 she is 24. We met online and had sex the first time we met. She was the first of 4 girls I was going to go on dates with that week. After I met her, however, I cancelled all the other dates. She was a really interesting. After about 2 weeks of dating I got the sickest I have ever been in my life. I was on the verge of death. I lost 40 pounds in two weeks, was coughing up blood and throwing up all the time. It was so bad I had to be taken to the ER one night and hooked up to an IV drip. During this time she would come over as often as she could. I lived by myself and I do not know what I would have done without her at this time, she basically nursed me back to health. She lived outside the city and would spend on average 4 hours a day commuting just to be with me. After a month of being together she came over every day and yes, she was still traveling 4 hours each day to me and back to her work. Everytime she visited me she brought more of her things, eventually I realized she had basically moved in with me.

She came from a broken family. Her father abandoned her and her mother very early on, eventually her mother got remarried. Her step-father was abusive and would often verbally abuse her and hit her. So she moved back to where her grandparents were and lived with them for a year before finding her own place. She was working minimum wage at Burger King. Her two previous boyfriends cheated on her and never told her until she found out. When I met her, she was paying for a room in someone's house, but had her grandparents living nearby.

The honeymoon phase was amazing. I loved this girl with my whole heart and soul. I felt so much empathy and compassion for this girl. I felt that the world had given her a ****ty roll of the dice. I wanted to be there for her. I wanted to help her change things and turn her life around. She loved me too. I was a very confident guy. I was interesting and artistic and had big ambitions. I had a great sense of humor and I could make her laugh. I was smart and I could be very emotionally open with her.

At 5 months in we started having fights. We had an argument about once every 2-3 months. I thought this was a normal part of relationships and blowing off steam. The fights weren't huge and they always would get resolved in a couple of hours.

At this point I had never met her family (except her grandmother). I hadn't mentioned her to my family yet (as girls have burned me before after I introduced them to my family). She started spending more time just laying in bed and sleeping all day. I asked her "Don't you have to be at work?" "I quit" she said with a smirk. I laughed and pushed her playfully, then I kissed her on the cheek and let her sleep. One night I got a call from my Father asking if she was at my apartment. As I hadn't told them about her yet I was pretty stunned. I told him yes and he replied telling me that she hadn't showed up to work and her family hadn't heard from her in a week. The police were looking for her and I was a person of interest!!!

I got off the phone and confronted her. She was agitated and very hostile. To make the story shorter, all the hours of commuting and working an unfulfilling job were stressing her out too much. She started yelling and acting crazy. Her eyes were open too wide. It was very creepy, as though something had taken over her body. Several times she tried to grab a knife form the kitchen and lock herself in the bathroom. I refused and kept having to grab things from her hand and push the door open. She did this all night until the sun came up. At one point I grabbed my phone and called her grandmother. She slapped it out of my hand and rushed over to it and hung up. I felt so alone. It was the scariest night of my entire life.

By morning we were both exhausted. She sat on the bed bawling. I stood there, hand on her shoulder trying to comfort her. My phone started ringing. It was her grandmother. I told her she had to tell her grandmother where she was. I handed her the phone. They talked for a couple of minutes and it was agreed that a family friend was going to drive to us and then take her home. I wouldn't see her again for three weeks.

During the three weeks she was sent to a mental health facility. She was seen as a danger to herself. Those three weeks felt like years. When she got out she was happy to talk to me on the phone. Then one day she sent me a text, saying we were breaking up. "What? Why?" I thought. I loved this girl and cared for he so much. I needed to know. She stopped replying to my texts. So I did the "Grand Gesture". My friend was sitting next to me as I was trying to text her, he said "What would the hero do? Would he just accept this? Or would he go out to her and show her how much he cared?"

It was 1 in the morning and I ordered a cab to her grandma's house. I had the purest intentions in mind. I wanted to love this girl. I wanted her to feel unconditional love for once in her life. I got out of the cab and as I stood there looking at her house with the black sky overhead I called her phone. She answered. "I.. I want to talk...." She was hesitant and ultimately said no. "Look.. I'm outside okay?" "What!? ... Hold on" She said. She opened the door and we stood there for a minute. "I missed you. How could you break up with me over text?" I said "..just...just come in. come inside" she replied.

She took me to her bedroom in her grandma's house (she moved back in with her after her stay at the hospital). We sat on her bed and talked. She had been put on medication for depression. She also went on a date with a guy the night before. I told her I knew how she was feeling, that she didn't need to be embarrassed or push me away, I still loved her, I was strong enough for the both of us. She started tearing up, she said the other guy she went on a date with was just not... me. She flung her arms around me. Asked for forgiveness. "I forgive you" She was beaming. She was so thrilled to know that I cared about her this much. We cried, kissed, and had sex.

We were back. Things started getting back to normal slowly. Although she wasn't working now, she started visiting me again. Eventually most of her things were at my place and she just started living with me (again). We were in love and happy. Things were perfect for about a month. Then her medication started to really take effect. She would spend her days, cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, and baking. It was awesome. I was making money and I had a beautiful girlfriend who was the perfect homemaker. We would have guests over and she was an amazing host! She would make cakes and treats- everybody loved her!

Then she started sleeping in until noon. She wouldn't get out of bed. I noticed she would cry, but try to hide it from me. After a couple days, she would go back to being hyper productive and baking/cleaning. This became a cycle of depression and being extremely active and upbeat. She couldn't find a stable middle-ground.

The cycles started to get shorter and she would be happy one day and sad the next. It was very intense and I was extremely worried about her. We had a talk and we both agreed it would be best if she got off her medication. I promised to help her through this.

She got off the medication slowly and although we would still fight every now and then I had more empathy and understanding so we were able resolve them quickly. She was depressed for a couple of months, but eventually stabilized to the state she was when I met her. She was mostly upbeat and would only get in a bad mood when something outside of her control effected her (looking back now I think she was misdiagnosed and actually has some sort of bipolar disorder.)

Things were great! During the next couple of months we made many memories, spent holidays together, tried new things together. I introduced her to my family. She introduced me to hers. Although she had flaws, she was a truly kind and a beautiful soul. I had already decided I was going to marry her.

It was amazing!! We loved each other and bought each other gifts all the time. I helped her get a new job closer to me. We would still fight every 2 or 3 months, but that would only be for a couple of hours whenever we did. Sometimes when we had arguments she would pack her things to leave. She never left though. It was almost as if she used this as a tool. She would try to push me away to see if I really cared. We had one argument that became a huge blowout where she started to pack her things and leave. I did not chase her. I told her "You want to leave? Fine." When I did she stopped packing and got in my face. It was a huge argument. She was mad about my lack of direction in life and I was mad that she would always threaten to leave whenever there was a problem. When we calmed down we agreed we would both communicate better. We had all these things bottled up inside of us and if we communicated we would avoid these blowouts.

After this, our communication was really good. She would tell me if she felt ignored and I would tell her that she was spending too much time on her phone and she was neglecting me (we both were feeling ignored from time to time). But- it worked out. We didn't have any fights for about 7 months. This was a great time for our relationship. It was pretty much all smiles and good memories. It was the happiest I have ever been in my life. Our relationship was moving forward and I was doing better in school. I got a new job and so did she. Things were looking up for both of us.

So about a month before it ended she started acting differently. Jokes I made that would've made her laugh in the past were not making her laugh anymore. She would act as if she was annoyed by them sometimes. Se had changed. Now, I knew I had changed, between school and working all the time I was always tired. To be honest, I was grumpy all the time. I would wake up go to work, go home do schoolwork. I stopped being creative and making art. I wasn't the carefree guy she fell in love with. I felt it. I hated myself. I needed a break. I casually posted on a website if we should break up. I didn't provide any backstory, but asked what most of them thought about making a longterm relationship work. Those people told me it was better to have casual fun with girls than get serious with them. I loathed that answer. I looked within myself and I knew I loved this girl and wanted to be with her forever. I just needed to get out of this rut. I was sleepwalking through life.

Well one morning she had to open at her job. She woke up about 6 in the morning and she tried to leave our apartment, but she couldn't. She woke me up "The door's locked" she said. "What?" I replied. "I can't get out. It's locked from the outside or something." I got up and tried to open the door. She was right. We were locked in.

"Okay, I'll just call the landlord. Text your boss and tell him your probably going to be late." She technically wasn't allowed to live in the apartment as it's only my name on the lease. We've got a warning before that I'm not allowed to have anyone else living in the apartment except me. So an hour later when the landlord replied I told her to go wait in the bathroom. So she waited while he removed the lock. He told me “I’ll be right back, I have a new one downstairs.” “OK” I replied. As soon as he walked away she poked her head out of the bathroom “Can I leave?” she said. I told her to just wait until the job was done. I was afraid we might get kicked out of the apartment. I had an instinct for survival. She had an instinct to not be late for work. Mind you she works at a minimum wage coffee shop. Not that my job is any better, but her coworkers are late all the time and I told her that her boss wouldn’t mind if she was late for one day. She insisted she leave NOW. I paused…”Alright, just be quick.”

She put her hand on the door to leave and the second she did the landlord put his hand on the other side. They exchange an awkward glance and she left. He repaired my door in silence. I was freaking out. I thought I was about to be homeless. I knew I shouldn’t, but I couldn’t contain my anger. I texted her “Why?? Why the **** did you have to do that? Was it so important for you to be on time that it was worth risking us being homeless?!?! What is wrong with you? Can you never just listen to me???”


She was just as hostile. We both kept texting back and forth. We blew up on each other. Funnily enough, I actually couldn’t go to work that day because the landlord ended up removing all the locks from the door. So I was stuck at home all day thinking about it. At first I was angry at her. Furious at her. Then as I cooled down.. I remembered how much I freakin’ loved her. How stupid this fight was. What? We are going to get red in the face and yell at each other over a stupid jammed lock???? It was so stupid I started to chuckle about it. I was still worried that the landlord would actually kick us out. But all I could think about was how much I wanted to apologize and take her out to dinner when she got home.


When she arrived she was livid. She shoved past me as I opened the door and started packing all her things. I told her that the reason we fought was stupid. It was such a small thing that snowballed out of control. We should calm down and it was actually kind of funny. She did not feel the same way. I started to beg her not to leave (a first for me! and a last! man that was so stupid of me!!!) This was the first time she packed her bags and.. she actually left. She went to her grandmother’s that night. I knew I shouldn’t have sent those texts.


The next day she texted me she was coming over to grab the rest of her things. When she arrived she had that crazy look in her eyes and a giant smile. The fake one, that she show’s to customers all day. Not the real one. I know her. I know when it’s a fake smile. As she was packing I was telling her how much the relationship meant to me and that I didn’t want to lose her over something so stupid. “Don’t give me that fake smile, I’m not some customer at your job. I’m your freakin boyfriend!” She got mad and we started yelling.. “I am half a person.. You are codependent and only want me so you aren’t alone. I haven't wore makeup in two months and you haven't even noticed! I feel neglected. Don't you understand?!” she said (there is some truth in that we are both codependent, however I am happiest alone, unless I’m with her. I can get another girl easy. I genuinely loved this person and I still feel a special connection towards her). I tried explaining logically that I have been busy and didn't mean to neglect her, that we still can have fun, all she needed was to tell me how she was feeling, but she wasn't having any of it.

Eventually she said some really hurtful things to me. I started to cry. When I cried, she cried. We were both just standing there crying. She moved in and hugged me. “I’m sorry” she said “I’m so sorry”.

We stood there hugging and crying for awhile. Then we both sat down and tried to calm ourselves. “You’re the only one… you’re the only one who knows when my smile is fake” she said. We started talking about the relationship, about how we were both stagnating, about how we have been too busy with work and school to spend much quality time together anymore. We kissed. We had sex. It was extremely passionate. We both apologized and agreed to once again, communicate more often.


The next day we had a date night. We went out to dinner and we had so much fun. We talked like it was our first date. The spark was back. I can see her smile in my mind’s eye as I’m writing this. She was beaming and I hadn’t seen her that happy in months. I was happy that she felt happy.


The next day I had to go on a trip to visit my family for one week. It was the break I had been wanting for months. “Will you promise me we won’t fight? Promise you won't leave while I'm gone?” I asked. “I promise” she said, with a kiss on my cheek. So I took a train far away. During that week we texted each other during the day and we talked on the phone each night. I fell asleep on the phone with her twice that week. It was going really well for us, so I thought.

Then one night I called her. When she answered she sounded really angry. “Look if you don’t want talk to me, let’s just hang up” I said. I didn’t want to fight. She hung up. The next day I texted her and got no reply... until later at night. All her texts were one word responses. I could tell something was wrong. I called her. She answered “Oh.. hey. I was hoping I could do this in person when you got back…. I moved out.”
“Umm… okay…. why?” I said. “Because.” "Yeah, but why?" "I'm unhappy" “You promised me we wouldn’t leave while I was gone….” She paused and then said “I changed my mind.”

Sounded to me like she was having another episode. I knew I wasn’t going to get through to her on the phone. I wanted to give her some space for a few days. So I asked her “Well, will you at least meet up with me for a coffee on Monday? It will only be 10 minutes or so if you want, after three years of being together I think that’s fair.” I had spent every night for three years with this person and I was ready to let go if that’s what she honestly wanted. I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with me. I just wanted us to be mature and end on a somewhat good note.


She agreed to the coffee. She said "Okay just don't come to my house or work. Okay?" “Okay I won't. Promise you won’t bail on me?” I said. “I promise” she replied. When I got back to the apartment it looked as if a hurricane had gone through the place. It was a complete disaster that took me an entire week to clean. Trash everywhere. Piles of clothes flung onto the floor. I noticed she cleaned up her cigarettes and ashtray, yet she left the window open (which we always lock). Not only that, but she left her stuff!!!


There was so many of her things. Pairs of pants, shirts, sweaters, hats, sock, over 7 pairs of shoes, scarfs, gloves, makeup, her kindle, her books, one of her suitcases, she left her freaking state I.D. card. This blew my mind because if she really wanted to leave, she had four more days before I came back from my trip. In other words, it was as if she didn’t put much thought into this and just grabbed what she could and left. It must have been an impulsive decision. She left her keys on the table so I knew she wasn’t able to come back.


Well on Monday I got dressed up. Put on good clothes (not too fancy) and did my hair the way she likes it. I believed she was pushing me away as usual, for validation. For me to show her I really care. I got dressed and sat there waiting for her to get out of work. A couple hours after she usually gets out I texted her. “Where are you?” and “Are you coming?” no reply. I sat there in my dark room for hours in nice clothes waiting for her to reply. When it hit 11:00 pm I knew she wasn’t ****ing coming. I was so goddamn hurt. She had never been this cold to me before, she had always shown some compassion. This time there was none.


Like what the ****? You’re going to be so hurtful to me? Last time I saw you we were on amazing terms. She broke her promise, then I would break mine. I obviously knew when she was getting out of work and I decided I would go there. Maybe I’m too romantic. Maybe it’s not realistic.. but it did work before, right? I thought it would be cute. I know it used to be.

Well when she saw me she treated me in a way I’ve never seen her treat anybody. I know from reading this you might think she is a terrible person, but believe me when I say she is the kindest person I have ever known. I am telling you the dramatic parts of our relationship where I think she was having 'bipolar' episodes, but in between those moments, she was extremely loving, gentle, and kind.

So I arrived before she usually get out of work. I wanted to catch her as she was leaving so we could have a talk face to face. Unfortunately, for me she was on break and saw me waiting outside. When she saw me there, she lashed out. Giving me the fake smile and wide eyes. “Go home” she kept repeating “Go home.” With a plastic smile on her face.“I don’t want to see you. I don’t want to talk. Go Home.”

“Listen” I said “you left a lot of your things at the apartment. Like.. A LOT.” “Go home, I’ll be there later” she said. Such a blatant lie, the day after she ditched me. “No.” I said.

“Just throw it out! I don’t need it! What are you doing? Just throw it out. Your acting like a psychopath!” “Why? because I came to your work? After you ditched me? After you promised you’d show? After you move out with no explanation? We’ve spent almost everyday together for years. How many times have I come for you? Now I’m a psycho?” I said.

She returned inside and then texted me minutes later that she had left. I was so hurt. I’m not even worth a 10 minute conversation? How about an explanation as to what the hell is going on? I kept texting her. Saying that she knows what I’m like (persistent) and that I just wanted 10 minutes of her time and then I would go away forever. She kept giving short answers like “Go home” or “I’m not talking to you. I don’t want to do this.” Eventually she said I was “honestly pathetic” It was at this point that I had had enough. “Fine. Thought we were gonna have children and make a family together, but I guess you can flip on a dime and become a different person.” To which she replied “Bye.” “Bye then” I texted back.


I just sat there in awe. Who was this person? I have never seen her treat anyone like this. Even though she has moments in her episodes I have never seen her be disrespectful like this to me. And, because I have a spine and dignity I was done. I know I’m not pathetic. What’s pathetic is acting like a petulant child, breaking promises, ditching people, and then cherry on top, throwing away someone’s love for...What... exactly? I don’t know

Later that night I noticed she deleted/blocked me on all social media, even old apps we stopped using years ago. She even blocked and deleted my two best friends (who she was really close with)! What did they do?? She kept a lot of our mutual friends she made through me, however, which I do find interesting. She changed her main picture, but left the photo of us together up on her Facebook.


Well, it's been 1 month and two days since we last spoke. In all my conversations with people everyone tells me that she is “crazy” and that I “dodged a bullet.” I don’t feel that way. I love this person. Everyone I have spoke with about this has told me.. EVERY SINGLE PERSON has told me I did nothing wrong. Yet, I still rack my brain and question myself. I feel like I failed. I feel like she is going through some deep emotional problems and I wasn’t there for her. I let her down. I feel like this time it’s over. I’m not sure if it’s her condition or if it’s how she actually feels. I’m not sure if she regrets it or if she is happier now.


She would always push me away, but she never actually left (except for when she was institutionalized and medicated... and I do think that was different). But now… it’s been weeks of not talking to this person who I saw everyday for years and then just... vanished. It’s hard. Real hard. Especially when you just want to protect and care for that person. Especially when they haven’t told you why they left, or what you’ve done wrong. I’ve been gathering her things (I find new items of hers each day), but I haven’t thrown them out. I don’t know if she is gone forever, or if maybe she needs time alone. If she wanted time alone she could’ve just asked, right? There was no need to be so hostile. I asked her when I saw her if there was someone else. She said no. If she said yes, I would’ve just left then and there... but she didn’t. I don’t know if she has found someone else. Or if she just felt like a cornered dog, barking angrily to scare me away. I don’t know anything and I am so confused and messed up from this.


I prayed to God about this. I asked for a sign. I was confused and needed to know how she was doing. Well, the very next day after 1 month of no contact I came across her on Bumble (I downloaded some dating apps to talk to girls and get my confidence back. I am NOT going to have sex with ANY of them. When a girl gives me their number I just stop talking to them. I don't want any other girl than my love. I just want to become that guy she fell in love with again that was confident and good with women). Her picture was very weird. It doesn't even look like her. She's holding the camera really close to her face and she's wearing the fake smile. I even showed it to a mutual friend and he said she has the expression of "help me help me" and that her face looked like a mask. It broke my heart, but it was what I was thinking.


She was extremely protective of me, last time we fought before the breakup, when it was all over and we had made up she pushed me on the bed and said "I'm not letting you go off with some other girl... Your mine!!"
Haha, it made me feel special (even though a week later she left me!). So I actually took it as a good sign. Since she blocked me on everything I assume she feels I'm just moping around and not actually getting out there and moving on. Now she will see my new haircut and pictures on this dating app... maybe she will realize I might be gone forever?

I noted she wasn't showing off her body at all in the pics which is different from her pics when we first met online. It makes me think she's talking to people just to distract herself, and not looking for sex, just like I'm doing.


Females especially.. what do you make of this? How should I proceed? Is this how she ends the relationship? I always thought of her as way more mature than this. Or is she pushing me away to find herself? Does she need some time alone to appreciate what we had? I know it’s made me reevaluate everything. Were all those years a waste? Was it all fake? What about all those things she left behind? I have been waiting for her. I have kept faithful. I’m hoping that she is in a manic stage right now and when it wears off she will consider her actions and how they effected me and reach out. But three weeks of no contact… man it seems like she can live without me just fine. Will she ever reach out?


How did it go from us having a great time for that last week to her removing me from her life completely??? I don’t understand how someone who was so nice can flip literally overnight and become some stranger… and the cruelest person in my life.


If you’ve read this far you have done your good deed for the day. Please help me. What should I do? I need someone who can relate to her.
Thank you

Last edited by Moody_Dunrobin; 2nd November 2017 at 10:22 PM..
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Old 3rd November 2017, 3:54 PM   #2
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That was a long read.

The crux of this problem is that you were hoping for a stable relationship with someone who is unstable. She can't offer you consistency and stability when she can't even manage it for herself. That's not a knock at her mental health issues, by the way, but it's clear that she is not getting the help she needs. Unless and until she does - and sticks with it - she is more than likely going to continue experiencing big swings like this. She didn't exactly turn on a dime, either; there is a pattern here. As much you want to be there for her, her problems extend beyond what you are capable of handling, assuming that neither of you has any medical or psychiatric training.

At the end of the day, this break-up might not be entirely the result of her emotional instability either. Perhaps she truly just felt you two had run your course together and wanted out. The way she chose to go about it was cold and disrespectful, and I feel a lot of sympathy for you. But based on your description, this relationship was quite dysfunctional and you two were not very good each other anymore. No, the years you spent together weren't fake. It's evident there was love between you, but things do change when toxic patterns can't seem to be broken. People can and do grow apart when the relationship is full of problems the way yours was, unfortunately.

I think the way to proceed is to focus on moving forward, OP. It's hard to say if she will reach out, but I would strongly encourage you to begin closing this chapter regardless. These types of relationships are utterly draining and generally don't work out in the end.

Last edited by ExpatInItaly; 3rd November 2017 at 4:00 PM..
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Old 3rd November 2017, 4:17 PM   #3
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I'm exhausted reading that. I can't imagine how exhausted you were living it.


Even if her choice was ill advised, it was still her choice. She's out of your life. She is back on OLD looking for something that is not you.


Since you still know where she works, box up all of her stuff & have one of your friends -- the people she unfriended on social media -- drop it all off. Even though she said throw it out, working in a minimum wage job, I don't think she's really in a position to throw away & replace a kindle. At the very least she can sell if for money. You will have the peace of mind knowing you did the right thing.


then lick your wounds & realize she's not coming back. Listen to the people who are telling you that you dodged a bullet.


PS -- she didn't ghost. She told you she was moving out. She told you it was over. Ghosting leaves you wondering. It's more then not getting explanation about why. this is not unclear -- she's gone.

Last edited by d0nnivain; 3rd November 2017 at 4:19 PM..
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Old 3rd November 2017, 8:39 PM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ExpatInItaly View Post
That's not a knock at her mental health issues, by the way, but it's clear that she is not getting the help she needs. Unless and until she does - and sticks with it - she is more than likely going to continue experiencing big swings like this. She didn't exactly turn on a dime, either; there is a pattern here. As much you want to be there for her, her problems extend beyond what you are capable of handling, assuming that neither of you has any medical or psychiatric training.
I'm sorry I'm a bit too close to the situation. What is the pattern exactly? Her pushing me away?

Quote:
Originally Posted by d0nnivain View Post
I'm exhausted reading that. I can't imagine how exhausted you were living it.
It really wasn't as bad as that. I'm focusing on what our problems were so I can try to understand, but the vast majority of the relationship things were very upbeat and happy. It was positive and I felt loved.

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Originally Posted by d0nnivain View Post
then lick your wounds & realize she's not coming back. Listen to the people who are telling you that you dodged a bullet.
How can you say that with such certainty? She is prone to mood swings. Why would she never want to see me again? It's not like I cheated or betrayed her trust. I just got stuck in the routine of worklife and being a grump. Something I've already snapped out of.
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Old 4th November 2017, 1:58 AM   #5
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I'm sorry I'm a bit too close to the situation. What is the pattern exactly? Her pushing me away?



It really wasn't as bad as that. I'm focusing on what our problems were so I can try to understand, but the vast majority of the relationship things were very upbeat and happy. It was positive and I felt loved.



How can you say that with such certainty? She is prone to mood swings. Why would she never want to see me again? It's not like I cheated or betrayed her trust. I just got stuck in the routine of worklife and being a grump. Something I've already snapped out of.
She has a pattern of emotional instability. Unstable people behave, well, unstably. This latest switch in her demeanor is another example of that. There is a history of big ups and downs in your relationship with her. Periods of tranquility were frequently punctuated by fighting, break-up threats, her taking off, you chasing - based on what you've written.

As I said before, even if she is having a manic or even a down period, it's still her prerogative to end the relationship. It might not make a lot of sense to you as the dumpee, but clearly something was not working for her any longer.

I think because you were in the thick of it, you don't see how unhealthy the dynamic was between you too. I don't doubt that you shared a lot of good times too, but there were also some very significant issues that snapping out of grumpy mood can't even begin to resolve.
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Old 10th November 2017, 4:38 AM   #6
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Females especially.. what do you make of this? How should I proceed? Is this how she ends the relationship? I always thought of her as way more mature than this. Or is she pushing me away to find herself? Does she need some time alone to appreciate what we had? I know itís made me reevaluate everything. Were all those years a waste? Was it all fake? What about all those things she left behind? I have been waiting for her. I have kept faithful. Iím hoping that she is in a manic stage right now and when it wears off she will consider her actions and how they effected me and reach out. But three weeks of no contactÖ man it seems like she can live without me just fine. Will she ever reach out?


How did it go from us having a great time for that last week to her removing me from her life completely??? I donít understand how someone who was so nice can flip literally overnight and become some strangerÖ and the cruelest person in my life.
Female here!

I believe so, yes. I think this crazy mess was her way of ending it, and it seems so random and out of the blue because (it sounds like) thats her personality. . Now you really only have one option. Move on and live your life. if something happens later on with you two, maybe it'll be meant to be. However I definitely do not recommend waiting around for her. It certainly seems as if she's ready to move on, so you should too.
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Old 10th November 2017, 10:14 AM   #7
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Originally Posted by ExpatInItaly View Post
She has a pattern of emotional instability. Unstable people behave, well, unstably. This latest switch in her demeanor is another example of that. There is a history of big ups and downs in your relationship with her. Periods of tranquility were frequently punctuated by fighting, break-up threats, her taking off, you chasing - based on what you've written.

I think because you were in the thick of it, you don't see how unhealthy the dynamic was between you too. I don't doubt that you shared a lot of good times too, but there were also some very significant issues that snapping out of grumpy mood can't even begin to resolve.
This concisely summarizes my 18 months with the ex that brought me to LS, and parallels much of what I read in the OP. A point that was made to me several times during the aftermath was that the intensity of the highs and lows cause us to feel alive, no matter how bad the lows are.

I was also reticent to see how unhealthy the RS was for me. I acted so far outside of my normal center that friends and family were amazed and worried about me.

So, you can choose to be consumed by this, or you can learn, grow, and shape the path forward. For me, I hurt considerably for roughly 6 months due to me chasing, and her blowing hot/cold. After no contact for 9 additional, I feel immensely better. I moved, improved my finances, took up hobbies, etc.

Point is, use what you've learned to become better. You know what you won't accept, what works and won't. Let the hurt run its course, be patient, practice acceptance, forgiveness, and loving non-attachment.

By not looking for understanding, or needing her for the comfort and intensity, you can break this cycle for good. You'll be amazed the perspective you'll have in a couple months.

Be safe.
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Old 10th November 2017, 10:41 AM   #8
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Borderline issue, maybe Manic-Depressive. Anyway you slice it. YOU-NEED-TO- GET-OUT-NOW! You can't fix this. You are NOT the knight in Shining armor. Save your sanity, and move on. There will be a new girl in the future and you will chuckle to yourself on how detrimental your behavior was to your well being.
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Old 10th November 2017, 11:23 AM   #9
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I think she was misdiagnosed and actually has some sort of bipolar disorder.
Perhaps so, Moody. The two most common causes of strong mood changes are hormones and drug abuse. Given that your exGF apparently is neither pregnant nor a drug abuser, it seems unlikely they would be a source of her instability. I therefore note that the two remaining common causes of strong mood changes are BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) and Bipolar Disorder. If she does suffer from Bipolar mood swings -- as you suspect -- it likely would be Bipolar-1, not Bipolar-2. With the latter, manic periods are far milder than what you seem to describe.

Quote:
I donít understand how someone who was so nice can flip literally overnight and become some strangerÖ and the cruelest person in my life.
That sudden flip from Jekyll (adoring you) to Hyde (devaluing or hating you) is a hallmark of BPD behavior and also may occur with Bipolar -- but it is less common with Bipolar. Whereas BPD mood flips typically occur in less than a minute, bipolar mood changes usually take a week or two to develop because they generally arise from gradual changes in body chemistry. This is why the moods typically come on slowly and take several weeks to disappear. And this is why four mood cycles a year is considered "rapid cycling" for Bipolar.

The cycling you describe, however, is far more rapid than that -- occurring in only a day. One possibility is Bipolar-1 ultra-rapid cycling (i.e., occurring over several days) or ultra-ultra-rapid cycling (i.e., occurring in just one day). That is very uncommon, however. I therefore note that there is a second possibility: BPD, either in combination with Bipolar or by itself. If she really does suffer from Bipolar-1, there is a 36% chance she also suffers from co-occurring BPD.

Quote:
Were all those years a waste? Was it all fake?
I agree with ExPat that it is very unlikely your exGF's feelings were fake. If she really does suffer from Bipolar or BPD, the outpouring of love and affection you saw almost certainly was genuine. As ExPat observes, that is how emotionally unstable people behave.

Quote:
What should I do?
Moody, if you ever feel tempted to reconcile with this young woman, I would suggest you see a psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you are dealing with. I also would suggest that you protect yourself by learning how to spot the warning signs for both disorders.

Of course, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your exGF's issues. Although strong symptoms of Bipolar and BPD are easy to spot, only a professional can determine whether they are so severe as to constitute a full-blown disorder. Yet, like learning warning signs for a stroke or heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., avoid taking her back and avoid running into the arms of another woman who is just like her.

An easy place to start reading is my post at 12 BPD/Bipolar Differences, which is based on my experiences with a bipolar-1 sufferer (my foster son) and a BPDer (my exW). If that description of BPD traits rings many bells, I would suggest you also check out my list of red flags at 18 BPD Warning Signs. If you have any questions, I would be glad to join ExPat and the other respondents in trying to answer them or referring you to an online resource that may help you do so. Take care, Moody.
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Old 10th November 2017, 12:45 PM   #10
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This whole situation sounds difficult
I would just stay away and not wait for her
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Old 10th November 2017, 12:51 PM   #11
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One of these days one of your fights are going to escalate and your going to find yourself in a bad situation.
You can't fix her. Stop playing with fire. Its always going to be up and down with her no matter what you do.
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