joanavarelamaia Posted October 30, 2017 Share Posted October 30, 2017 me and my ex dated for 1.6 years. 1 year long distance and 6 months together. I moved to his city i had a vacation house there. he broke up with me on a thursday, then took me to lunch, and when we got home (we lived together in my house there) he asked me if i wanted to see a movie. i asked him what the f*** was he thinking and if he was sure he wanted to break up. he agreed to think over the weekend and we agreed not to talk during it. sunday night he sends me cute texts, but always asking me where i went out, with whom, until what hours. then on monday, he broke up with me and i immediately returned to my hometown, despite him asking me why i wouldnt stay there. I had no friends of my own there, and he lives in a small town, so it wasnt good for me to be there, the whole city reminded me of him (i think he was very confused about being with me or not, because the breakup was the strangest thing that has happened to me). right after the break up he liked every single status on my facebook and pics on instagram, he even put up a photo and a memory of me. after a week (on a thursday) he sent me a text saying that he wanted to send me videos and photos and calling me by our cute name (little girl). after two hours (i didnt reply) he sent me another text, and after two hours another saying "you must be busy, thats okay, i understand, i will send you the pictures anyway". and he sent me the pictures on wetransfer. i didnt download it and on sunday he sent me a text "i cant believe you didnt even download the pictures". The next day he proceeds to call me 3 times, and send me two texts, "baby tell me anything please" and then "i think i dont deserve the way you're treating me, i feel so bad". i called him after three hours and said that his behaviour was not normal, and that we needed time to heal and move on". he sounded really bummered and said "okay i wont text you again" i was so shocked by his behaviour that i was somewhat cold when i was saying that. and now i regret it.. what can I do? what about his behaviour post breakup? was he trying to get back together and i ruined it? I've never been through a situation like this when being dumped. i would understand his behaviour if i was the one who dumped him... Link to post Share on other sites
NopeNah Posted October 30, 2017 Share Posted October 30, 2017 Who wouldn't respond cold to that behavior? I'd just let it stay as is and get to moving on. Link to post Share on other sites
NopeNah Posted October 30, 2017 Share Posted October 30, 2017 In response to his behaviour; I have no clue. I'd guess that since it was long distance at first you may have missed some tendencies on his part. Then when you guys were living together things got 'real' for him and he bolted. There's also the possibility of addiction,mental health issues,ect.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author joanavarelamaia Posted October 30, 2017 Author Share Posted October 30, 2017 (edited) He was a bit controlling and possessive. when i told him i didnt want to be his friend during the breakup he was really angry. i think he is also scared of commitment. he was single for 5 years before me and his last relationship ended really badly, she was controlling, money addict and didnt accept him for who he was (his sister told me that, we had a good relationship). but yes, probably didnt love me enough to commit. I think i was the best girlfriend he ever had. i really accepted him for who he is, and he said that things with me were different, that i was different from the other girls. I accepted his strange friendships, his need to go out and go to parties, and his dark sense of humor because im like that also. Most of his friends adored me, and thought he had found the one. I was always by his side and never gave up on him. and he knows that because he has told me so. but he tried to bolt other times. he would shut me out and i would fight for him. this time i have no strenght to fight anymore. I have my dignity. i moved to another city because of him. maybe he wasnt prepared for a real thing. Btw he smokes weed everyday after dinner, and is a bit of a control freak. And i saw some narcissistic tendencies. Mommas boy, selfish, big big baby, silent treatment when he didnt get his way, and somewhat manipulative. Edited October 30, 2017 by joanavarelamaia Link to post Share on other sites
Highndry Posted October 30, 2017 Share Posted October 30, 2017 This guy sounds like a narcissistic a-hole. Why are you allowing yourself to be treated like this? Link to post Share on other sites
Author joanavarelamaia Posted October 30, 2017 Author Share Posted October 30, 2017 He was sweet and caring but three months ago I went through some serious personal problems, i gained some weight and didnt feel good about myself, so i became cold and didnt like to go out as much and started being "needy" because i was so sad and i needed him more than ever. then after some fightings he suddenly said his feelings have changed and changed completely. I was stunned, it was like all the feelings he had, died. he knew what my problems were and why i was acting that way. with this i became even more depressed. I asked for his help, i told him several times that my self esteem was on the rut, and that i didnt feel good about myself, to give him some justification for why i was behaving that way. in the last month i even though about suicide.. he stopped caring, but would like to have sex anyways, he would treat me bad but expect me to be there when he wanted to bed me.. i became really submissive cause i just wanted him to go back to what he was, and because i needed his help and caring. I became obsessed with his approval and he was always saying that it was my fault he was that way. In the week prior to the breakup he said "you have to change your ways if you want someone to like you"... Link to post Share on other sites
Author joanavarelamaia Posted October 31, 2017 Author Share Posted October 31, 2017 he liked my photos again. really struggling to make sense of what happened. its been 3 weeks and i feel really depressed. dont know what to do.. Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted October 31, 2017 Share Posted October 31, 2017 he liked my photos again. really struggling to make sense of what happened. its been 3 weeks and i feel really depressed. dont know what to do.. Block him. Stop breaking your brain. If you said he is all the things below, then it shouldn't matter what he's doing but what should matter is that you chose not to be with someone like him. If he's manipulative then what he's doing now isn't surprising. Btw he smokes weed everyday after dinner, and is a bit of a control freak. And i saw some narcissistic tendencies. Mommas boy, selfish, big big baby, silent treatment when he didnt get his way, and somewhat manipulative. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author joanavarelamaia Posted November 17, 2017 Author Share Posted November 17, 2017 In response to his behaviour; I have no clue. I'd guess that since it was long distance at first you may have missed some tendencies on his part. Then when you guys were living together things got 'real' for him and he bolted. There's also the possibility of addiction,mental health issues,ect.. It was long distance but we would see each other every weekend anyways. long distance during the week only. Link to post Share on other sites
SpecialJ Posted November 17, 2017 Share Posted November 17, 2017 My ex I was with for a year kind of did this to me, and it seemed bizarre. He was trying to force me to be insta-friends. I also suspected it meant he was a covert narcissist because he had seemed to devalue me suddenly and then refused to respect my boundaries. I blocked him 4 months later because I couldn't take it. It took so long because we were also still pretty emotionally attached and my MO is not to block people. (You can read about it in massive detail in my old coping thread.) I did tell him leading up to the blocking that I needed space, and I also told him I was blocking him and why before I did it. He eventually said he understood and then acted a bit like it was his good idea for us not to be in touch, because he now understood I was in a bad place but still cared about me so much as a person. (Whatever.) It took another 3 months to start feeling better, but once I did, it was a huge difference. I knew I had to and that blocking him would hurt, but not as much as staying in touch. Our relationship had seemed great until I had some health problems the last couple months, and he withdrew from me (especially physically) and really did a number on my self-esteem. I worked on that and now am back to my normal headspace, with stronger boundaries. We didn't talk for 8 months, but now we are again. He didn't really try to reach out during that time and actually respected my space. He's been thrilled that I'm willing to speak to him at all, and he's been enthusiastic about initiating contact and making in-person plans. Really sweet, like he was the first 9 months we dated. Because I'm in a good space now and we were close friends (he was terrible at the end but extremely selfish, never malicious), I am seeing how I feel about being JUST friends now. But I must admit that my biggest fear is he really IS a covert narcissist and he's just reidealizing me after I "rejected" him by blocking him. Our friendship immediately rebounded to where it was, and we're both single, so if he is a narc then he'd be doing this because he likes the attention and is low on supply. I'm really hoping he just was incredibly immature and handled a tough situation badly and learned from it, but I'm basically letting him take the lead and not reading into things (other than if I'm feeling emotionally stable around him, so far so good) until I see more evidence in his behavior one way or the other. My friends are all annoyed I'm speaking to him again at all, and don't think I should be after how he treated me toward the end and right after. It's a tough situation. But my point is, just withdraw as fully as possible now and take the space. Don't worry about how he feels about it. Learn how to focus on and prioritize yourself. You can always decide if you're ready to deal with him later on, and now you've got a window into seeing how my situation evolved a year later. Link to post Share on other sites
Author joanavarelamaia Posted February 6, 2018 Author Share Posted February 6, 2018 Hello. it's been a little over three months since we broke up. I managed to remain no contact and I'm feeling quite better. I got a better job, im starting to feel good about myself again. During this 3months he continues to like my photos. he posts my photos. he tags me in comments in photos i Took of him (i'm a photographer and i took really nice photos of him, and when someone comments the photos on his profile he proceeds to tag me in the comments, like saying the copyright of the photo belongs to me, and what an amazing photographer i am.. meanwhile while we were dating he was "jealous" cause i got to much attention on instagram and spent too many times taking photos and not giving him attention ). he has never tried to reach out but continues posting stuff on our special days (day 20) with indirect messages. He posts photos I took while dating him with his phone, he added some of my friends on social media, and he even told my bestfriend that he didnt want to lose me completely, that he wanted to be my friend. I continue to be completely shocked and amazed by his behaviour. I didn't delete him from social media because ive never done that with someone i've been but im really considering because im tired of all this ****. this is not normal behaviour. i'm still stunned buy this.. wtf?? Link to post Share on other sites
HumanMachine Posted February 6, 2018 Share Posted February 6, 2018 Why don’t you block him? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author joanavarelamaia Posted February 6, 2018 Author Share Posted February 6, 2018 I've never had to block anyone.. maybe I was still attached.. I had panic attacks until recently when I thought about him.. I think I somewhat remained under his control for all this time.. Blocking seems so agressive, I don't know. we have friends in common.. it's not like me to block someone.. I always try to find a reason or try to understand why people are behaving the way they do.. but yes, i'm fed up. Link to post Share on other sites
HumanMachine Posted February 6, 2018 Share Posted February 6, 2018 If you can’t handle his interactions on social media then block him, easily solved. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
1fish2fish Posted February 6, 2018 Share Posted February 6, 2018 Blocking him is your only solution. Otherwise, every time he "likes" or "tags" you in a post it's going to f*ck with your head. Your emotional health is and should be your priority right not. Link to post Share on other sites
Author joanavarelamaia Posted February 6, 2018 Author Share Posted February 6, 2018 I guess i'm trying to understand why he does and did this.. he was the one who dumped me.. that's what keeps me hooked Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted February 6, 2018 Share Posted February 6, 2018 Because he is crazy / stupid / evil (delete as applicable) Now you have your explanation for his behaviour you can BLOCK him and move on. Why on earth would you want to keep him in your life??? Link to post Share on other sites
HumanMachine Posted February 6, 2018 Share Posted February 6, 2018 I guess i'm trying to understand why he does and did this.. he was the one who dumped me.. that's what keeps me hooked Because you allow him to do it. Link to post Share on other sites
ardeerd Posted February 6, 2018 Share Posted February 6, 2018 So he can keep you around in case he changes his mind and wants you as a backup. I don't mean to sound callous, but that is what it seems like to me - he wants the opportunity of you, without regard to how it affects you. Link to post Share on other sites
1fish2fish Posted February 6, 2018 Share Posted February 6, 2018 He does this to keep you hooked. And it's working, in a sense, because you're giving him headspace. Otherwise, you wouldn't be here asking "why". He doesn't want you to forget about him, just in case, one day, he's lonely and needs an ego boost and wants a fallback plan, which would be you. By blocking him, it tells him that you don't care what he does or who he tags or what's going on in his life. It also tells him you've moved on and he's in the past, where he needs to stay. Out of sight, out of mind, which is the last thing he wants from you. Link to post Share on other sites
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