Did I do the right thing breaking up with her? ***Updated***

[JimmyNYC]

Hi everyone its Jimmy from NYC. I broke up last week with this girl I was seeing for 3 months because I wasn't getting what I needed and some of her behavior was making me anxious and suspicious. Now I am really struggling psychologically because I love her and miss her. Did I do the right thing by breaking up and how do I cope with the pain? Here is the brief story:

 

Met this girl off a dating website. We are both mid 40s. First time we saw each other it seemed love at first site for both of us. I never had that feeling before. We really hit off on our first date. We both seemed to be totally smitten. She was so into me that after our second date she sent me her work schedule for the next 2 months and said "Im so smitten with you please let me know when you can see me. Here is my schedule. I only want to be with you!" It was so sweet and touching. 2 weeks of dating was like 2 months for normal people. We were just so close and connected and just perfect for each other. It was amazing. She would text me "can't wait to see you". "miss you" etc. We began talking of the future. I told her I loved her. She said I'm falling in love with you too.

 

However, from almost the beginning I noticed that she may have Aspergers (my diagnosis). Basically these are people with a lack of emotional intelligence. They don't have the same needs for conversation and emotional connection that most people do. It was there from the beginning but I thought it was a minor issue and I could get used to it.

 

But then, even though there was some great times and we were so connected when intimate and kissing, a lot was missing. She never needed to "talk" to me. Her texting would be inconsistent. She never needed "conversation" when we were together. She would come over and just sit there. I was so bored. I felt awkward a lot of the time. I'm creative and intellectual and she has no interests. I had to literally dumb myself down and change who I am to be around her. It was difficult. But she was so cute and nice and innocent (so I thought) and the intimacy was great. I thought no one is going to be perfect, I can make this work somehow!

 

Then there was this constant odd and inconsistent behavior with her that was triggering my anxiety and suspicions.. I attributed most of it to her possible Aspergers. On one hand she was so down to earth, nice, sweet, unassuming and yet I still felt something was not so innocent about her. For example:

 

She came over one night and we were sitting on the couch and she tells me that next Wednesday she is going to have a "gay male friend" stay over. He was a "friend" who was coming into town for an interview on Thursday and she offered to have him and his son (he adopted with his partner) stay at her place the night before. This seemed really odd plus the fact she lives in a small studio apartment. No second bedroom, not ever a first bedroom! Just a room with bed against a wall and bathroom. Very odd to me. I asked where they would sleep. She said on air mattresses. Then, a few days after, when I talked to her about it because it was bothering me and asked why she didn't introduce to him she lied to me. I knew she lied. She said that I was busy that night with my reading group (I wasn't and she knew it was that night but another night). She also tells during my questioning that she gave him and his son her bed. So she let them sleep on her twin bed and she slept on an air mattress in the kitchen. I felt violated. It felt really odd. She began getting quiet and shut down. I said, "why are you so quiet". She says well part of me feels bad that you feel bad and part of me feels like you are admonishing me. Then she goes on to say she had an ex-boyfriend who would berate her and was very jealous. So now I'm made to feel like some crazy ex-boyfriend who is just being a jealous a-hole. The whole thing seemed really odd to me. I never felt right with it. Could it have been legit? Maybe, I don't know. It was just odd. Why would a grown man with a small child WANT to sleep on her twin bed when he could get a hotel and be comfortable and provide for the kid? ODD. But I was thinking if she was cheating on me Why would she use that as a cover story? Why not just say she was working that evening? She is a nurse. Or say she was having a girlfriend stay over. Again, odd. Then the week before I had a work event one night and she said she had a guy friend in town and was going to have dinner with him. She scheduled it when I had my work event one evening. Could it have been legit? yes. but weird things are adding up. One day she was over laying on my couch on her phone. I walked by and she got a shocked look on her face. she minimized something on her phone then quickly said "hey look it's 80 degrees out". obviously she was covering something up. Could it have been innocent? Maybe she was looking for my Xmas gift. Who knows. But again it's another oddity.

 

I really can't confirm she was cheating on me or seeing anyone else but there was this constant odd behavior. I didn't feel connected to her, Didn't feel I could trust her, could never really "talk" to her. I never knew her real thoughts and feelings. She always had this superficial fake air about her. Again, a lot can also be attributed to the possible Aspergers but I just don't know. I could go on and on.

 

The end came a few weeks ago. We had this great weekend together. Then she abruptly left early Sunday evening. I felt so empty and lonely. It was odd. Then I barely heard from her for two days. she sent me one text on Monday evening "just got off work. hope your day was good." Really? The next day I heard nothing from her. I texted her in the evening and she said she was out with a girlfriend and had just got home. That was it. I broke up with her that minute. I just couldn't take it anymore. Her behavior made no sense and it was causing me anxiety and suspicion.

 

After we broke up I sent her a long email telling her how madly in love with her I am and always will be. I just couldn't take the odd behavior and didn't know if it came from indifference, lack of emotional intelligence or if she was seeing someone else. She replied with a long email saying the whole problem was not her but my lack of trust. She claimed she was never seeing anyone else and that she had thought she met a wonderful man who she could possibly have a future. But my lack of trust and anxiety were not healthy for a relationship. Apparently she did nothing wrong. It was all me.

 

Any advice?

 

The problem I'm having is I can't stop replaying everything and analyzing it. I wake up at 4am and begin to analyze her behavior, what she said, what she did etc for inconsistencies. I get angry. I can't sleep. I try to find answers. It was all so odd. I miss her. I love her. How did everything go so wrong?

[Been]

That feeling you had? That was your GUT telling you something isn't right.

ALWAYS listen to your gut.

[Been]

I had a similar experience- I never physically saw her chest but my gut kept telling me something wasn't right.

Turns out my gut was right.

[SpecialJ]

Whether she was doing anything wrong or not, you two had a lot of physically chemistry but not mental. She bored you, she didn't give you the level of attention you wanted, and something was off enough about your interaction that you tried to diagnose her with something. You two don't communicate well. You weren't happy, so this isn't the right person for you.

 

I'm willing to believe her on the houseguest thing. Do you know how expensive NYC hotels are? It's insane. And you can't save money staying in a rat hole if you are traveling with a child because, no. You don't know what that financial situation was, and I don't think it is weird that an out of town guest wanted to stay in a free studio for just a night.

 

Do trust your gut if you felt she was otherwise lying to you or hiding things. But you sound like you have an unusual amount of anxiety and possibly an anxious attachment style? If so, try looking up anxious-avoidant trap. The summary version is, if you date someone with an avoidant style (she doesn't need to communicate much or want as much attention), that can trigger discomfort and strong emotions in you that eventually get toxic. I may be wrong, but I've been there. So I think yes, listen to your gut about her, something was off (maybe she was lying) and it wasn't working -- but it was probably due to both of you together being incompatible, not just one or the other.

[SpecialJ]

Also, it isn't a healthy sign to change yourself for someone else. It almost definitely won't stick, unless it was a catalyst for changes you were intending to make for yourself anyway, and after you start showing the "real" you, it can get to be a disaster.

[HumanMachine]

Hi Jimmy from NYC

 

Trust your instinct. Something was going on, you made the right decision.

 

Find someone that doesn’t give you that gutting feeling that something isn’t quite right..

 

All the best.

[JimmyNYC]

SpecialJ. your information on the anxious avoidant trap was super helpful. OMG. You nailed it. I think that was a big part of our problem. However I don't think I really fit completely into the anxious. I think i'm more on the secure end of the spectrum. But her behavior and avoidant relationship attachment MADE me go fully into the anxious area. That is what was going on. Very helpful!

[JimmyNYC]

In light of my recent discovery and understanding that my ex and I we were in an anxious-avoidant relationship I have now been thinking maybe I should contact her and explain all this. Is this crazy? I broke up with her a few weeks ago to restore my sanity. But I miss her and love her and didn't understand this dynamic that was going on (nor would she have).

 

Maybe if I explain how she is avoidant which caused me to become anxious which then caused a lot of the issues we could work on things? I mean i did breakup with HER. Does anyone think this could work if she agreed to listen and try. Or is it doomed either way? I mean if she is avoidant and I am secure/anxious are we just going to never be happy and compatible? I was not getting what I needed in the relationship and her avoidant behavior which was unpredictable and inconsistent triggered a lot of confusion, anxiety, and distrust in me. Is this fixable or no?

[cocoa342]

Hello...just dropped by your thread after you had stopped by mine and left some very helpful and thoughtful comments.

I am really sorry for what you're going through. This is not easy at all by any means. Try not to beat yourself up over it.

From what you describe she sounds like she was on a different wave length to you. A little scattered and not grounded, where as you seem to have your head in the right place.

[]

Edited October 28, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Topical content

[SpecialJ]

If she is indeed avoident, then that is her issue to deal with IF she even wants to or is ready to. She shouldn't have to change for you any more than you have to change for her. People should change because they want to for themselves, and there's no indication she doesn't like the way she is.

 

If you want to better communicate around YOUR needs and YOUR role in the breakup because you desire reconciliation, you can try. But do not criticize her about how she is or try to share a diagnosis (you've got aspergers, you're avoident), especially after you've already broken up and broken down trust. She can conclude these things on her own or bring them up in response if she wants, but she could also write you two off as incompatible and not worth the effort at this point.

 

Which, is what it sounds like from your posts. You don't even like her personality very much, you feel on edge around her, this points to feelings of infatuation and addiction to her more than you're both in a healthy situation and just had a misunderstanding. Focus on yourself and take time away from her. Not pining, working on you... maybe talk to a therapist. It sounds like there are reasons you're clinging to her that aren't about her, as you primarily loved the chemistry between you two but not the personality fit or situation. That doesn't make a good partnership long-term, and healing would be a more productive use of your time than dragging her in to your analysis when things just weren't working.

 

Sorry if this sounds harsh. I know you're hurting, which is OK and normal, but you're also cycling through the mourning stages. Just because you feel triggers from that doesn't mean it will help to act and reach out to her about it. Be patient and compassionate with yourself. It's okay to feel hurt and confused and take it one day at a time from there.

[dumbass2]

After reading the whole thread, I think you should work on your anxiety and not contact her to tell her what you think her issues might be. You're both in your 40's so change may not come easy or at all. It's not like a bad habit, its part of the personality. You have to be willing to change for yourself, not because someone wants you to. Not everyone has good self awareness. It's been only 3 months so you both know enough about each other to make a decision to go forward or not and I think you correct decision. I would suggest leaving her be and find someone that is a better fit and doesn't have an issue like this that needs to be addressed.

[JimmyNYC]

Really struggling today. The good news is that I've gone No Contact and am sticking to it. Almost emailed her some sappy email this weekend about how much I miss her. Thank god I didn't send it. The next day I started thinking of all the neglect and shady things she did. I keep reminding myself of the bad things and that has helped me stay no contact. But today just feeling sad and hopeless.

 

Also does anyone know why I can't get private messages on here? Do I have to pay to get that feature?

[Buriall]

You have to be an established member to my knowledge in order for you to send/get private messaging feature

[JimmyNYC]

I don't know what an "established member" is. Is that a paid member?

[NopeNah]

I don't know what an "established member" is. Is that a paid member?

 

Certain number of posts. Can't remember exactly what that number is though.

[JimmyNYC]

Hi I'm curious about something that happened with a girl I was dating recently. We broke up after 3 months and are no longer together. But this incident still puzzles my mind to this day. I'm posting to get some opinions on it, like as we were dating. I should have posted when it happened but did not find this site until recently.

First a little background then I will explain the incident i need advice on.

 

Met this woman this summer from a dating app this summer. We are both are mid 40s. No kids. no baggage. First time we met each other in person it seemed love at first site for both of us. I never had that feeling before. We really hit off on our first date. We both seemed to be totally smitten. She was so into me that after our second date she sent me her work schedule for the next 2 months and said "Im so smitten with you please let me know when you can see me. Here is my schedule. I only want to be with you!" It was so sweet and touching.

 

2 weeks of dating was like 2 months for normal people. We went exclusive after about 4 dates. We were just so close and connected and just perfect for each other. It was amazing. She would text me "can't wait to see you". "miss you" etc. We began talking of the future. I told her I loved her. She said I'm falling in love with you too. I did notice she lacked emotional intelligence though. Like she had aspergers or something (my diagnoses). very quiet. Not much conversation. She didn't have really any emotional needs that most women do nor did she have much empathy. She was kind of blank. No interests. Never asked me much about me or my life.

 

So one night she comes over. She's at my place for about 10 minutes sitting on the couch as I am in the kitchen getting some beer. She tells me that coming up next Wednesday night she has a guy friend coming to town for a job interview on Thursday and he's going to stay with her in her apartment on Wednesday night. She goes on to tell me that he's gay and is bringing his young son (7 years old) that his partner and him adopted. This is just what she is telling. I have never heard of this guy before (but then she never talked about anyone or any friends. nothing), never met him, never confirmed it was as she said it was. I ask if this guy has a job. She says yes a good job, he has a Phd. She tells me she invited him and not the other way around. Then she kinds of blows it off and says "I don't even know if it will even happen".

 

I thought it all seemed very odd but didn't want to question too hard so I kind of dropped it. But it made me suspicious because it was so odd. If he is gay and bringing his son, why would she invite him to stay in her little studio apartment? Why would he WANT to stay in that environment when he could get a hotel and be comfortable? Why the need to be in close quarters like that? Why not just get a hotel and meet that night and talk? Or she could go visit him at his hotel? Very odd to me.

 

It started bothering me. For example, she never asked me how I felt about it or if that would make me feel uncomfortable. Nothing. Just told me about it very quickly three or four sentences and then I didn't ask many questions and let it drop. But it started to get to me because it seems really odd because she lives in a small studio apartment with no second bedroom, not even a first bedroom! It's just a room with a bed against a wall and a bathroom and small kitchen. I asked where they would sleep and she said on air mattresses.

 

A few days after it happened I was with her and she was talking about some exhibit at one of museums and I said, how do you know about that exhibit? She said she took that guys son the day he was at the interview. I thought it odd that she never told me she was going to do that. I started asking her questions about that night. I asked again where he slept and she said she gave them HER bed and she slept on an air mattress in the kitchen. I felt violated. She has a full sized bed which is slightly smaller than a Queen. Odd. Also, I knew she was working that day until about 8pm or so. So I asked how he got in? I was assuming he didn't just come over at 8 or 9 in the evening. She said she gave him a key. wow. That blindsided me. Not sure if she saw him that day and gave him a key or left it with the front desk in her building. I didn't ask. Also, as I was questioning her about it, she got real quiet and kind of like shut down. I asked her why she was so quiet. She said "Well part of me feels bad you feel bad and part of me feels like your are admonishing me". Huh? She also said I didn't want to have to ask your "permission". She then went on to explain that she had a ex boyfriend that use to "berate" her about things she did. So now I'm being painted as a jealous possessive boyfriend?

 

This was all just so odd to me. All i know for a fact is that she had a guy stay with her that night otherwise why tell me about it. I also started thinking that if she was lying to me and had an ex-boyfriend or straight guy staying there why use the story she did as a cover story? I mean if she was cheating on me or having some other guy stay there, why not just say she was going out with a friend that evening or having a girl friend stay over. Or she could have even said she was working that evening as she frequently works nights. I would have never questioned her on any of those things.

 

What do you think? Do you think her whole story is odd? Normal and consistent? Was I lied to? Do you think it was legitimate? Would you have lost trust in this person? A dealbreaker? Was I making a big deal over nothing? Should I have not been suspicious? Was it inappropriate for her to do that? How would you have felt? what would you think? It just blindsided me and the circumstance so odd I didn't know what to think.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

The guy wanted to save some money so he stayed with a friend for free. She was nice to give up her bed so two of them (his son and him) wouldn't have to sleep on the air mattress.

[smackie9]

You two only knew each other for a few weeks. She doesn't have to tell you where she is or what she is doing 24/7. If it was something fishy, she wouldn't have told you jack. IMO she was above board, told you she was helping this friend out....obviously she would have mentioned him if you knew her for longer than a few weeks...seriously how the hell can you really know someone even after 6 months?

 

I don't think any of it is odd. The dude, with a child, looking for a job, probably doesn't have enough income to get a hotel. And since it was for like a day or two, why wouldn't she offer up some help? If she wants to help out a friend, then that is her business. I feel you did make her feel real uncomfortable, her response sounded legit.

[JimmyNYC]

We had been dating about 6 weeks when this happened. We had been exclusive since week one.

[JimmyNYC]

You two only knew each other for a few weeks.

 

The dude, with a child, looking for a job, probably doesn't have enough income to get a hotel. And since it was for like a day or two, why wouldn't she offer up some help?

 

Thanks for the response. just some clarification. we had been dating 6 weeks and were exclusive. Also she said he had a good job and Phd. So clearly it wasn't a money issue for him.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

We had been dating about 6 weeks when this happened. We had been exclusive since week one.

 

Doesn't change anything. She did nothing wrong.

[BarbedFenceRider]

Forget the supposed gay dude and son thing...Why and what, no how? How does one go for 4 "dates" and decide I'm going to say " I love you"? Not sniping at you. I just think someone jumped out of the airplane with no chute. So to speak.

[JimmyNYC]

sorry that was not communicated correctly by me in the original story. I said I loved her after about 2 months not 4 dates. we went exclusive dating after 4 dates.

[Space Ritual]

Quick Question:

 

What was the official reason you two broke up after 6 months?

AND

What is the real reason you broke up after 6 months?

 

IMO If you are both playing games like this in your 40's you probably should be hanging out on Broadway because that is the only place that will match the Drama Factor you got yourself into.

 

Glad you are out of it, but attempting to really figure out Motivations for acting like that is like closure...it is fleeting at best, and you won't like the answers you seek.

 

So get her out of your head and let her be somebody else's problem when she has a another Studio Sleepover.

 

 

I thought by your post that you were about 19 or 20 until you revealed your age(s).

[RecentChange]

The whole story sounds weird. You were in love - but she didn't really communicate, you didn't know anything about her friends or interest.....

 

As for the story about that night.

 

She didn't need your permission.

 

Sounds like she knew that guy longer than she has known you - I don't need know why you took the key thing so personally.

 

Making the whole story up to cover cheating doesn't make any sense.

 

Sounds like everything was rushed and you got very serious about a girl you hardly knew.