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Broke it off with fiance' last night because I believe he cheated


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I just broke up with my boyfriend because he cheated on me last night. Well, actually he was my fiance'. He never came home and wouldn't tell me where he was after a fight we had. It wasn't even one of the worst fights we have had, but I can't go back to someone that cheats on me out of anger. I have very little support in the way of friends, and my family depends on me instead of the other way around. I know I should believe it, but I'm still in denial about what he did. I saw a video he took of girls dancing on a table at a bar last night. He never came home after the bar, until about 8 the next morning. I know it's so obvious, but I want so badly to believe he didn't ruin our family. His mother in law was at the bar last night as well. I hate to cause drama by contacting her when I know there is only one reason he wouldn't have come home. I keep hoping I can find an excuse for him, but calling her and asking who he went home with won't help. He told me that he slept in his truck which just doesn't make any sense at all, especially considering the other overwhelming evidence. He does drink a lot on the weekends, but he has never slept in his car and often drives drunk, so I don't believe he would suddenly start being mature about that now. Besides, he could have called and I would have picked him up. I need someone to tell me I'm not being paranoid and jumping to conclusions.

 

He also has two kids who I am very close to. Their mother has some issues and is bipolar. The younger one (10) calls me mamma and I am going to miss her SOOO much. It's so much harder dealing with losing a whole family. I have had breakups before, but this feels like divorce. I don't know what to do and I'm hanging on a thread.

 

He is very angry now and won't even apologize, but I know in about a week he will realize his mistake like he always does, and he will sit on my porch all night (like he always does) begging for me to forgive him. I know he will realize how lonely I am without the three of them and I need to stay strong this time. I'm worried I will give in to him again and this horrible cycle will start all over again.

 

I don't really have any friends I can confide in right now. He got so jealous of all my male friends and even would text them back not to talk to me anymore and stuff like that. And I've been so wrapped up in his family that I have neglected many of my female friendships as well.

 

We broke up once before (about a year ago) for about a week. It was over something stupid, and I said horrible things to him, so he slept with another woman. I know I need to admit to myself that relationship probably started before the fight, but I wanted so badly to make it work. And now it has happened again. And if I go back to him it will just keep happening. He texted this same girl on Facebook last night as well. She didn't respond back, but he obviously was looking to cheat and he found a way with someone at the bar. I can't believe he did this to us out of anger and doesn't even have any remorse.

 

I'm really struggling right now because I don't have the active social support system I did when I was younger. I'm afraid I will go back to him to avoid being alone.

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ThorntonMelon

You did the right thing.

 

And you know what you have to do or otherwise it will mess up your life for a long time.

 

I hope that you can at least find a therapist to confide in and get your thoughts out if you don't feel comfortable with friends/family.

 

As bad as it feels, every minute that passes is one minute closer to getting this behind you and into something healthy.

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Thank you for that. : ) I'm trying to get him to block me right now because I have always been so baaaddd at no contact. He isn't biting of course, and says I'm being ridiculous for being so angry. But all of the evidence is there and he is just trying to make me think I am crazy. My best friend is dealing with her father's dementia and the other is dealing with a breakup right now. I don't want to bother them and only call when I have a problem, since I haven't hung out with either of them in awhile. I do appreciate you responding so quickly. : )

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Yeah this is just plain B.S also wtf is up with drinking and driving??? you are BOTH unhealthy. Take this time to better yourself before going into another relationship..

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-We broke up once before (about a year ago) for about a week. It was over something stupid, and I said horrible things to him, so he slept with another woman.

 

-He got so jealous of all my male friends and even would text them back not to talk to me anymore and stuff like that. And I've been so wrapped up in his family that I have neglected many of my female friendships as well.

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So, you think it's ridiculous that I stopped hanging out at bars, stopped drinking with friends, and grew up and started doing kid-friendly activities with his kids that see me as a mother? It's a natural part of life to stop hanging out with your single party friends when you start a family.

 

And you think it's ridiculous that I tried to salvage the relationship (after the first time he cheated) because his kids wanted me to keep trying? It was a mistake, surely. But I wouldn't say it was unhealthy. I was trying to save my family. I know at this point that staying would be doing them more harm than good, because his behavior will obviously continue. But trying to spare children from further loss is not unhealthy. My heart was in the right place.

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I absolutely dont think its ridiculous that you stopped doing those things. It shows that those things are not serving you therefore you picked up more healthier ways that works for you. Dont misunderstand me.. when i say unhealthy you allow these things and i cant help but ask why do you allow these things to happen and im not attacking you here. Just having a discussion

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I try to give people the benefit of the doubt, and I am open minded enough to know that people react to my reactions, and that I carry some of the blame. And, despite the cheating, he was a very loving boyfriend. He would cook me dinner, open my car door (even after 3 years of dating, he still did). He would take shopping list to get my groceries if I was overloaded with work (I work three jobs, all from home). Told me I was beautiful and smart every day and was about as emotionally giving as he could be. I honestly never thought a man could be that doting. Sometimes, I took him for granted and lashed out when I was stressed. I take on too much, taking care of my nephew, 3 jobs, constantly bringing in stray dogs and cats to foster. Cheating is just the one thing I could never forgive and I know I shouldn't have forgiven the first incident. No matter what I may have done, I did not deserve to be cheated on. However, I still see the mistakes I made and can admit that our relationship got to this point from both of us making mistakes. I came on this forum because I know in my head that going back is the dumbest thing I could do, but my heart still misses the life we had together. I've honestly never had a man make me so happy on a day to day basis. I just needed others to confirm that I'm not feeling sorry for myself and over reacting. Because I do often over react and then regret my actions. At this point, more information has been revealed so there is no doubt that he did indeed cheat. But it's difficult because this is the one person I know I can depend on through anything. I don't have a great family (hence, why I take care of my nephews), and he was always there for me when I needed him. But infidelity is something that he just cant master, and I believe it's because he was raised differently than I was. He saw that occur with his parents on a continual basis and I don't think he will ever change. And it's not my place to change him. I'm really just trying to vent here, but I am always open to improving my own self awareness.

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Both. I really loved the kids and that was the main reason I stayed the first time. My nephews didn't have a great home life and I loved the little family we created when we were all together. We got engaged several months ago, and were going to move in together at the end of the year. I guess I dodged a bullet because it would have been much harder to go through this if we all lived together ... But yes, after not settling down and partying for so many years, it was refreshing and brought me true joy to be with his children.

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Back the truck up a moment. You say his mother-in-law was at the bar as well. Is this guy married?

 

That aside, it sounds like your relationship has problems that extend well beyond this latest episode.

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Also, he and his ex-wife divorced several years before I met him, so I have nothing to do with that. But, they both cheated many times over the course of their marriage. I know, huge red flag but I didn't know until I was well into the relationship (about a year and a half in).

 

Basically, I was able to piece together the night. He had an ex at this bar. He had contacted her via Facebook messenger that night (we were fighting and he wouldn't tell me where he was). He asked if she was still with her husband (she's now single) and told her to holla at him. She never responded. He then somehow knew which bar she would be at that night. She ended up dancing on a table and he took a video of it. I went to his house to try and talk through our argument since he wouldn't respond and waited until 5:30am and he never showed up. When I talked to him later that day, he told me he had slept in his truck. I looked in his phone because we both have each other's passwords. It sounds invasive and it is, but it was a rule we established after the first incident. I found the message to her and the video of her, and he confessed to the rest but still claims to have passed out in his car. Obviously, no one in their right mind would believe that. I wasn't quite sure what had transpired when I first started this post, but I now feel I have undeniable proof and feel better about the decision to end things.

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Sorry, I got side tracked. Yes, the ex mother in law was in the video in the background, so I assume he went with them to the bar. Which means that not only did he cheat on me, he did it in front of his ex-wife's family. I wanted to believe that maybe he didn't do anything since she was there, but that was before I pieced together the rest of the information.

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I should also clarify that his ex-wife was not at the bar (she is estranged from her family and wouldn't be there, but my fiance' is close to them because they help him raise the kids - he has custody). The ex at the bar was an ex girlfriend and the same chick he cheated on me with a year and a half ago. Like I said, it's undeniable proof at this point.

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At first I was going to advise you to power down about jumping to conclusions -- him cheating just because he didn't come home. I thought there was some possibility that he slept in his car or crashed on the EX-MILs couch or something.

 

 

Then you said that the last time you had a bad fight, he was with another women. Then you mentioned a bunch of interactions with some other EX of his who was at the bar last night. The evidence is mounting but isn't conclusive.

 

 

It doesn't matter that it's not conclusive. Even if he didn't cheat, his behavior demonstrates that he is a poor candidate for another marriage. He flies off the handle. He doesn't communicate when he's upset. He seeks comfort from other women. He won't tell you where he was. He was texting & messaging an EX. He may have a drinking problem.

 

 

What do you get out of this relationship besides a few compliments, not being alone & having your car door opened for you? What do you want from this relationship & how sure are you that he's even willing to give it to you? I doubt he will quit drinking, suddenly become willing to talk to be transparent in his dealings with other women. What does the future with him look like? I suspect it's going to be more of this nonsense. Are you sure you want that? If not you know what you need to do.

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so he cheated on you before during a fight and he (likely) cheated on you now. and this man is husband material... why? because you can't stand to watch Netflix alone? try to get 'good' at no contact, develop some self-worth, and stick to your decision this time.

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At first I was going to advise you to power down about jumping to conclusions -- him cheating just because he didn't come home. I thought there was some possibility that he slept in his car or crashed on the EX-MILs couch or something.

 

 

Then you said that the last time you had a bad fight, he was with another women. Then you mentioned a bunch of interactions with some other EX of his who was at the bar last night. The evidence is mounting but isn't conclusive.

 

 

It doesn't matter that it's not conclusive. Even if he didn't cheat, his behavior demonstrates that he is a poor candidate for another marriage. He flies off the handle. He doesn't communicate when he's upset. He seeks comfort from other women. He won't tell you where he was. He was texting & messaging an EX. He may have a drinking problem.

 

 

What do you get out of this relationship besides a few compliments, not being alone & having your car door opened for you? What do you want from this relationship & how sure are you that he's even willing to give it to you? I doubt he will quit drinking, suddenly become willing to talk to be transparent in his dealings with other women. What does the future with him look like? I suspect it's going to be more of this nonsense. Are you sure you want that? If not you know what you need to do.

Donnavain, thank you for that. I believe that is what I need to hear. Everything summed up. For the record, they are the same ex, which is why I am 99% certain he cheated. The one he slept with while we were broken up, and the one he was at the bar with the other night. You are right in that it isn't conclusive, which is where all of my doubt comes from. It's the main reason I decided to post in this forum, actually. To get other people's take on whether I was making assumptions. To be clear though, I had absolutely no intentions of breaking up prior to that night, so I do have to base my decision on that night, not the other issues we have had. I am 99% sure he cheated that night, but as a math professor, I prefer 100%. The logical side of me is saying that I can't make assumptions, and the emotional side of me is saying that it's all too much.

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so he cheated on you before during a fight and he (likely) cheated on you now. and this man is husband material... why? because you can't stand to watch Netflix alone? try to get 'good' at no contact, develop some self-worth, and stick to your decision this time.

Newmoon, please don't be nasty as this is a support forum. I am not trying to use no contact to get over him or to get him back. I am trying to not say hurtful things and keep on and on nagging him even though the relationship has ended. I have no problem standing up for myself. The opposite is true. I've actually started talking to a therapist since yesterday and he basically says the no contact rule is bull****, especially if I want to maintain a relationship with the kids. That is something I want very much. Also, you don't know me at all to make these types of accusations about my self worth and how I am just afraid to be alone. It amazes me the "assumptions" that some people will make about a complete stranger on the internet. Making "assumptions" such as yours is the exact opposite of what I am trying to do here, and I am trying to make sure I am not jumping to conclusions by having others weigh in. Afraid to be alone and no self worth? I'm a f*cking professor who makes 6 figures. I'm attractive and funny, and very good at my job. I am a verifiable catch and I never have to worry about being alone. The problem is not that I need this man, but that I want this family.

 

I will likely never see these children again because I am not their biological parent. This is my first experience dating a man with children and no contact means me abandoning them. It is not as easy as "sticking to your guns" to simply abandon them when they have been through so much trauma and have clearly developed a maternal bond with me. I have enough self worth to be concerned about innocent children instead of selfishly not even considering the pain that they are inevitably feeling, though they are not the cause. The way I approach this break up will have a significant effect on them.

 

The decision to permanently alter the lives of not just me and him, but also these children, and my nephews who have grown to see him as a father figure, is not something I take lightly. I am not a 20 year old on a power trip. I am a grown a$$ woman with people that depend on her, and I need to sometimes make painful decisions that unfortunately affect them, too. If you are going to come onto a support forum simply to attempt to insult them, at least use proper English. How can I take your opinion seriously when my 5th grader has better punctuation than you?

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've actually started talking to a therapist since yesterday and he basically says the no contact rule is bull****, especially if I want to maintain a relationship with the kids. That is something I want very much.

 

This is bad advice. These aren't your children. Granted they have bonded to you but staying present in their lives while you maneuver an ending is damaging to you, as well as the kids. It causes confusion in their lives. I've been in your shoes before and the best thing to do is cut clean from him and his kids. Children move on fast and quickly adapt. When he starts dating again and brings someone new into their lives, how do you think you will fit into that picture? If anything it perpetuates more drama. It's not realistic.

 

The NC rule is to help you heal. Now is not the time to maintain a lifeline to anyone that relates to him.

 

I'm a f*cking professor who makes 6 figures. I'm attractive and funny, and very good at my job. I am a verifiable catch and I never have to worry about being alone. The problem is not that I need this man, but that I want this family.

 

You may be successful in other areas of your life but sometimes when it comes to the emotional aspect, we may not be as capable in terms of managing it well. We may have very high self-esteem when it comes to career, money, friends, etc. but sometimes relationships can tap into an emotional side of us that may need a little bit more help/cultivating.

 

I will likely never see these children again because I am not their biological parent. This is my first experience dating a man with children and no contact means me abandoning them. It is not as easy as "sticking to your guns" to simply abandon them when they have been through so much trauma and have clearly developed a maternal bond with me. I have enough self worth to be concerned about innocent children instead of selfishly not even considering the pain that they are inevitably feeling, though they are not the cause. The way I approach this break up will have a significant effect on them.

 

This is not your cross to bear. Yes, they will be hurt and lost for awhile but they will move on. And you will too. You aren't abandoning them. You're doing what needs to be done to self-preserve. That is your priority. I understand your selflessness but not when it is at the expense of your emotional and mental wellbeing. Being in contact with his kids means being in contact with him. That is a rabbit hole.

 

I don't think posters are trying to tear you down. Sometimes the advice may come as harsh but the intent it to help push and open your eyes.

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Newmoon, please don't be nasty as this is a support forum. I am not trying to use no contact to get over him or to get him back. I am trying to not say hurtful things and keep on and on nagging him even though the relationship has ended. I have no problem standing up for myself. The opposite is true. I've actually started talking to a therapist since yesterday and he basically says the no contact rule is bull****, especially if I want to maintain a relationship with the kids. That is something I want very much. Also, you don't know me at all to make these types of accusations about my self worth and how I am just afraid to be alone. It amazes me the "assumptions" that some people will make about a complete stranger on the internet. Making "assumptions" such as yours is the exact opposite of what I am trying to do here, and I am trying to make sure I am not jumping to conclusions by having others weigh in. Afraid to be alone and no self worth? I'm a f*cking professor who makes 6 figures. I'm attractive and funny, and very good at my job. I am a verifiable catch and I never have to worry about being alone. The problem is not that I need this man, but that I want this family.

 

I will likely never see these children again because I am not their biological parent. This is my first experience dating a man with children and no contact means me abandoning them. It is not as easy as "sticking to your guns" to simply abandon them when they have been through so much trauma and have clearly developed a maternal bond with me. I have enough self worth to be concerned about innocent children instead of selfishly not even considering the pain that they are inevitably feeling, though they are not the cause. The way I approach this break up will have a significant effect on them.

 

The decision to permanently alter the lives of not just me and him, but also these children, and my nephews who have grown to see him as a father figure, is not something I take lightly. I am not a 20 year old on a power trip. I am a grown a$$ woman with people that depend on her, and I need to sometimes make painful decisions that unfortunately affect them, too. If you are going to come onto a support forum simply to attempt to insult them, at least use proper English. How can I take your opinion seriously when my 5th grader has better punctuation than you?

sweetie, if you're a grown up woman then why are you trying to make a family with a man that cheats on you? a woman with self-respect doesn't go patching it up with a man who has already cheated on her before and that she suspects has done it again. if that's how you value yourself then so be it, but i'd like to think that a woman values more for herself - why should you be ok with that? do you think he's going to stop? if you want support then definitely continue with your therapy, but this is not a support forum and you will find people on here who have been in your place or who can see your situation far clearer than you. no one on here is under any obligation to sugar coat your situation and placate you with nice little words of encouragement. you're trying to make a family with his man and the kids aren't even yours to worry over. they'll be fine if you leave. you want to stay with this guy because your nephews see him as a father figure?? does a cheater make a good father figure? it sounds like you're full of excuses. he might be what you deserve if you don't want better for yourself.

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Newmoon, you are misunderstanding my attempts here in this forum. I don't know why you think I am trying to patch things up, when that is not the point of any of this. The POINT is to vent about all of my conflicting feelings (check), purge my house of everything that reminds me of him or the kids (check), and to reinvest in previous things/people that make me happy (check, check, check). I have already done all of these things and it has only been two days dude. I know how to move on, and wallowing is part of my process. Studies show that the more you talk about, and rehash an event, the more quickly you process a difficult situation and move on. I am going on a feeling vomiting tour to expedite the process. I have activities with long lost friends scheduled every day for the next week to keep me occupied and remind me of the joys of singlehood. I even have a sex date next weekend. It's with someone I dated briefly 15 years ago. We have a lot in common as friends and are attracted to each other, but we have no romantic feelings for each other and there is no risk of any developing since we have done this successfully for years whenever I was in a breakup. It is safe, no strings, unattached sex to boost my ego after rejection and get me back in the game. Not the dating game, as that will come much later, just trying to get back out there in terms of being social again since I've been playing housewife the past three years. Breakups are about taking control of your life and doing all the things you can't do when you are coupled. I am a firm believer that being single is just as fun as being in a relationship, but the transition between the two is always miserable. The first time he "cheated," I had actually broken up with him for weeks. He said that he was only with this person when we were broken up, but I found the text messages later when we rekindled. He admitted that he slept with her during our breakup, but that they just talked afterwards. I did not know that I was cheated on until two days ago when I realized that this same woman was the one he was with last night. I had previously had no proof that he cheated the first time, which is why I gave him the benefit of the doubt after he agreed to certain conditions and couples counseling. This time is obviously very different, and the proof I obtained occurred after my initial post. I'm not trying to get back together with this man! I am trying to process my emotions and heal. Thank you for listening and responding, as every message I type out brings me closer to a sense of understanding with what went wrong, which means I can be better for the next relationship. There is nothing wrong with accepting some of the blame for what went wrong and working to improve those skills before the next relationship. I don't understand why so many of you are against self improvement and reflection. That is what I am doing. I was very angry at your comments about me having low self worth, but knowing that so many people are in agreement that he is a bastard is pretty much exactly what I am looking for. Confirmation that I am doing the right thing, so I don't second guess myself when he comes crawling back. So, thank you for that at least.

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Zahara, thank you for the advice. However, these are not normal processing children. They suffered some pretty horrible abuse from their mother and have severe abandonment issues. This is why I am trying so hard to protect them, as they have latched on to me as a stable force in their lives. The father doesn't have a very good history with relationships. Most are very short (less than a month), and he waits only a week to introduce these people to the children. I didn't know any of this at first, as I insisted we wait at least 6 months before introducing me. It just didn't seem appropriate. The children grew close to me and confided all of this to me after I was knee deep in the relationship. He really is a good father and his children are his world, but he is dumb as a box of rocks and just doesn't get how damaging that can be for them. He is not self aware, that's for sure. They also lost two grandparents and an aunt in the past year, so they are very vulnerable. I understand completely what you are saying about this complicating the process, and I have considered it myself. Especially the part about creating unnecessary drama. It is nice to hear it from someone who has experienced this, because it is a less common situation when it comes to breakups and I would have given horrible advice back in the day before I experienced it. I just know that after being abandoned by their mother so many times, this is going to awake some very negative feelings for both of them. I want to help them, but I don't know how. He won't even let me talk to them to explain that this is not their fault. He doesn't process emotions that well and I know he won't really have the words to say to them. I want them to know that this has to do with me and their father not being able to man up and face our issues in the relationship. My fear comes from the fact that the kids have previously thought we had marital issues due to the oldest one (he's a teenage boy and me and the father have had some fights about typical teenage things - I want him to be allowed to go to parties so long as he doesn't drive, and I also think he should have chores at the house, like doing his own laundry- typical teenage stuff). The daughter had told me months ago that they thought we always fought because of her brother. I told them both that was ridiculous, but those feelings come from somewhere. I don't want him living with those feelings and assuming this has anything to do with him. It just sucks because the kids don't deserve to be tossed around from one parental figure to another, but there is nothing I can really do about it.

 

 

This is bad advice. These aren't your children. Granted they have bonded to you but staying present in their lives while you maneuver an ending is damaging to you, as well as the kids. It causes confusion in their lives. I've been in your shoes before and the best thing to do is cut clean from him and his kids. Children move on fast and quickly adapt. When he starts dating again and brings someone new into their lives, how do you think you will fit into that picture? If anything it perpetuates more drama. It's not realistic.

 

The NC rule is to help you heal. Now is not the time to maintain a lifeline to anyone that relates to him.

 

 

 

You may be successful in other areas of your life but sometimes when it comes to the emotional aspect, we may not be as capable in terms of managing it well. We may have very high self-esteem when it comes to career, money, friends, etc. but sometimes relationships can tap into an emotional side of us that may need a little bit more help/cultivating.

 

 

 

This is not your cross to bear. Yes, they will be hurt and lost for awhile but they will move on. And you will too. You aren't abandoning them. You're doing what needs to be done to self-preserve. That is your priority. I understand your selflessness but not when it is at the expense of your emotional and mental wellbeing. Being in contact with his kids means being in contact with him. That is a rabbit hole.

 

I don't think posters are trying to tear you down. Sometimes the advice may come as harsh but the intent it to help push and open your eyes.

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It isn't your responsibility to save them. I understand why you want to do it but it's not realistic.

 

Trust me, the kids that I had to let go were also abandoned by their mother and had a father that was emotionally disconnected. I seem to have brought some sense of normalcy to their lives and they became very attached to me. I felt responsible for them and tried hard to bring balance and calm into their lives. They soon became emotionally responsive to me -- far from the sullen and reserved boys that they were before. I loved them as my own.

 

Your role in their lives is over. They will adapt to change. I understand the conflict that you feel but you have no say in this anymore. The responsibility now is to save yourself.

 

They have family and a father that will do the best they can for them, whether it feels right or wrong by you, it's something you'll have to come to terms with. He is their parent. You did whatever you could for their wellbeing. And I'm sure they're grateful for it. The reality is that NC is a boundary that you need to implement for your self-preservation and that means severing all ties that bind you to him, regardless of how much it hurts you.

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