Jump to content

He could have fought for me, but he just let me go. ***Updated***


Recommended Posts

Nothingtolose

I know a lot of people on this forum have been dumped by their significant other and thus have a very negative view of the dumper. I can understand that, and agree, if the dumping happened out of the blue and the dumpee was blindsided by it.

 

It wasn't the case for me. We'd been having problems for a very long time, mostly due to me wanting him to make certain changes to his lifestyle, him promising me he would and then not doing it. He smoked a lot of weed, drank beers pretty much daily, didn't exercise at all, and had very low energy...which resulted in him getting fired from quite a few jobs throughout his life (from being a low performer), not helping me much around the house when we lived together, and being generally apathetic towards a lot of things that most people would be excited/ surprised by/ concerned by etc. His addictions were a way for him to numb feelings and not deal with some unresolved issues/pain, and he agreed he'd probably have to go to counselling to address them, but never went.

 

We moved out of our place together and went to live separately for a while to try and work on our relationship problems (while still together, but taking a bit of space by living apart). I waited 5 months, hardly ever brought up these things, even though I made it clear when we moved out that this was important if he wanted us to work out - I wanted to see if he'd go and do it on his own, without me "nagging" him. Five months, and not a single counselling session booked, no reduction on the weed and alcohol, still making a lot of irresponsible decisions (including financially). I got tired and walked away - it's been exactly a month.

 

While a big part of me knew we were done, there was still a small part of me that hoped this would be a wake up call for him. That he'd turn around after a week or two and say that he booked a session, that he wanted to work on himself, that he wasn't willing to give up on us. He didn't. The very few times we've talked since the breakup, he has refused to take any accountability for anything and shifts the blame to me, that I couldn't just "accept him as he is" (as if those things are a part of who he is as a human being, and not a damn lifestyle choice).

 

He acts very coldly towards all of it, like our 3 years together (plus another year and a half as friends/ a little more than friends) meant nothing. He could have done something, anything, yet he literally chose weed and booze over the person he claimed to love.

 

I know this only further validates my decision, that breaking up was the right thing to do. But it still ****ing hurts, knowing that letting me go was just so easy for him to do. I heard a counsellor once say that an addict's primary relationship is with the addiction, and I didn't want to believe it, but now I'm feeling the harsh realization of this fact.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Oh sweetie, you've got it all backwards. Yes, he's right that you wouldn't accept him as he is. You were friends for a year and half before the relationship started, surely you knew what you were getting into.

 

Thing is, we can't and shouldn't expect people to change for us. Instead, it's best to look at who they are and decide if they are the right person *as they are*.

 

You were right to walk away, but wrong to try and change him.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Cookiesandough

It's a force dump. That's why it's hurting you. You're really the dumpee... I was in a similar situation although different circumstances (my ex was lazy and smoked all the time, was very controlling, got irritated when I went out without him, list goes on) I don't think it would matter if he fought for you anyway. His behavior would have gone back to the same. Basil is right. Don't try to change people. They need to want to change themselves.

Link to post
Share on other sites
He could have done something, anything, yet he literally chose weed and booze over the person he claimed to love.

 

Potent lover/mistress. Hard to compete with that. Seen marriages end and people die over that. IMO, him letting you go was a gift. Yeah, it hurts but that means you can feel sincere and honest joy and love too. That's healthy.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Nothingtolose
Oh sweetie, you've got it all backwards. Yes, he's right that you wouldn't accept him as he is. You were friends for a year and half before the relationship started, surely you knew what you were getting into.

 

Thing is, we can't and shouldn't expect people to change for us. Instead, it's best to look at who they are and decide if they are the right person *as they are*.

 

You were right to walk away, but wrong to try and change him.

 

You're right, and I can see that now. The truth is, I never realized how bad it really was until we moved in together (a year after we officially started the relationship), especially with the drinking. I knew he smoked every night, didn't know he also drank pretty much every single night. I also didn't know how much the smoking was actually affecting his life - that is until he lost two jobs in the period of 1.5 years and ended up unemployed for 8 months, then 5 months, because he was too unmotivated to look for work.

 

By the time I realized how deep his issues were, I was already too in love to just walk away without trying, and he never said he was unwilling to change...he kept saying he knew he should reduce, that he should smoke only on weekends, drink less...but never followed through with it. It would have been so much easier if he could have just said "I can't give you what you need, can't/don't want to change my lifestyle, so we should end things". I wasted so much time because he couldn't be honest with me or with himself.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Nothingtolose
Potent lover/mistress. Hard to compete with that. Seen marriages end and people die over that. IMO, him letting you go was a gift. Yeah, it hurts but that means you can feel sincere and honest joy and love too. That's healthy.

 

Yeah, I know deep down it's probably a blessing in disguise that he let me go. I know now that I won't be getting into another relationship with someone who has addictions, as it's just not something I'm willing to deal with.

  • Like 6
Link to post
Share on other sites

He has no motivation to do anything . . . How could you possibly think he had the wherewithal to become motivated to make wholesale lifestyle changes to keep you?

 

It's not that he didn't care. It's that the drugs, the booze, & the general apathy prevent him from doing anything.

 

You are better off without him & intellectually you know that.

  • Like 5
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Nothingtolose
He has no motivation to do anything . . . How could you possibly think he had the wherewithal to become motivated to make wholesale lifestyle changes to keep you?

 

It's not that he didn't care. It's that the drugs, the booze, & the general apathy prevent him from doing anything.

 

You are better off without him & intellectually you know that.

 

You have a good point. He's had 3 long term relationships (I am the 3rd) and every single girlfriend left him because he couldn't get his **** together. I naively thought that maybe I meant more to him, that he would have been like "whoa, I lost 2 women I loved before her, I'm not going to lose her too, it's time to do something" - but I guess some people are just too far gone or stuck in their ways to ever wake up.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

Many people also self medicate their anxiety/depression or other emotional issues or psychological pain with drugs and alcohol, so he probably knows he just cannot do without them.

He would probably need a lot of professional support in order to get well again.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

If you dumped him he has the right to move on. He is who he is and while I would not want to live his life it his life. I am similar to him though in the sense that once a woman dumps it is over for good. I will never beg a woman to love me.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
You have a good point. He's had 3 long term relationships (I am the 3rd) and every single girlfriend left him because he couldn't get his **** together. I naively thought that maybe I meant more to him, that he would have been like "whoa, I lost 2 women I loved before her, I'm not going to lose her too, it's time to do something" - but I guess some people are just too far gone or stuck in their ways to ever wake up.

 

Never underestimate the power of addictions. Most of the guys I knew who had similar behaviors to his in their 20's are either dead or doing extremely poorly, in health and every facet of life.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I've been on both sides of this addiction thing. Alcoholic, 12 years without drinking, and also got addicted to Xanax 2 years clean.

 

Just a little background.

 

Addiction sucks, I lived with someone for a decade who was an alcoholic I got sober early on, she did not. I also recently got dumped for "weed" and not being "motivated". In my case, it was an excuse given to me to move on with someone else. I had my two best months ever moneywise since the breakup.

 

I'm an artist and marketing type, I smoke when I know I can.

 

I decided to get as clean as I could and when the last woman told me I had so much potential but smoked too much I had to inform her she was the one who wanted to get high whenever we were together and she drank every time she was with me. I also found out she had an Adderall problem towards the end.

 

Now as for your issue, you did the right thing. He has slipped into the dark abyss and most likely has to hit rock bottom and help himself. He has to get the attitude that no one believes in him including himself and then let it work in his advantage....I was very angry when I decided to get sober, me against the world and that would not happen if I was not single.

 

Losing someone you love and a relationship due to substance abuse is one of the most frustrating things. As I said my one ex continued to drink and it destroyed our relationship and every one she had afterward. It was hard to walk but I did. I had to move on.

 

You do you, and remember you can't help this man, only he can...

 

Sorry to hear you are going through this but I think you will find you made the right decision. The less enabled and comfortable an addict is the more they tend to work through their addictions.

 

LOL some of us weed smokers are driven folks. But this guy needs to get sober, and as I said you need to move on and now you know what to avoid in the future. But you may have helped this guy if he decides to get sober. Not sure how much better that makes you feel, but you truly are doing him a favor now he has to do the rest.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Nothingtolose
I've been on both sides of this addiction thing. Alcoholic, 12 years without drinking, and also got addicted to Xanax 2 years clean.

 

Just a little background.

 

Addiction sucks, I lived with someone for a decade who was an alcoholic I got sober early on, she did not. I also recently got dumped for "weed" and not being "motivated". In my case, it was an excuse given to me to move on with someone else. I had my two best months ever moneywise since the breakup.

 

I'm an artist and marketing type, I smoke when I know I can.

 

I decided to get as clean as I could and when the last woman told me I had so much potential but smoked too much I had to inform her she was the one who wanted to get high whenever we were together and she drank every time she was with me. I also found out she had an Adderall problem towards the end.

 

Now as for your issue, you did the right thing. He has slipped into the dark abyss and most likely has to hit rock bottom and help himself. He has to get the attitude that no one believes in him including himself and then let it work in his advantage....I was very angry when I decided to get sober, me against the world and that would not happen if I was not single.

 

Losing someone you love and a relationship due to substance abuse is one of the most frustrating things. As I said my one ex continued to drink and it destroyed our relationship and every one she had afterward. It was hard to walk but I did. I had to move on.

 

You do you, and remember you can't help this man, only he can...

 

Sorry to hear you are going through this but I think you will find you made the right decision. The less enabled and comfortable an addict is the more they tend to work through their addictions.

 

LOL some of us weed smokers are driven folks. But this guy needs to get sober, and as I said you need to move on and now you know what to avoid in the future. But you may have helped this guy if he decides to get sober. Not sure how much better that makes you feel, but you truly are doing him a favor now he has to do the rest.

 

Thank you. It's really helpful to hear stories from people who have been on both sides. I just wrote his parents an email to basically thank them for welcoming me into their family and always being so kind to me etc...I had not had any contact with them since the breakup and I felt like I should at least write one last email, because they were really great. They know what their son is like and had a ton of issues with him when he was growing up, because of his addictions (he did even worse drugs when he was younger).

 

He's always identified himself as an addict, and seemed to embrace it as if it was part of who he is and nothing could be done about it. He said he knew he was an addict but that he had a job and "could be doing a lot worse" (compared to some of the people he knew/was friends with who literally lived on the streets). Every now and then he'd have a lightbulb moment and realize something had to change (this usually happened when he got fired from another job yet again due to poor performance and low motivation). Those lightbulb moments unfortunately never lasted very long.

 

Addiction really is a sad thing. I never thought it was an issue if someone smoked weed on occasion and drank socially, but now I've seen first hand what regular day to day pot and booze can do to someone's health, energy and motivation, and am scared to even go near a guy who partakes.

 

I guess this will either motivate him to get clean (although I doubt it), or he'll just have to try and find a woman who doesn't mind a 36 year old guy who's living with his parents, smokes weed every day, drinks most day, plays video games all night after coming home from work, is in debt and has no real goals or ambitions (I know this sounds horrible and cruel, but it's 100% his life).

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

I have an addiction to food so I'm no different than your ex. Does the prospect of not being able to get laid motivate me to eat healthier? Not really. Probably because I never have gotten any real satisfaction when I had sex in the past. The only thing that satisfies me sexually is masturbation and watching free lesbian porn videos. So no I'm not really motivated to change my eating habits for any woman. I'm 37 years old and don't want children and I don't care if I drop dead tomorrow of a heart attack.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I am so sorry you’re going thru this. From your posts you seem thoughtful and compassionate.

 

One of my exes smoked a lot of weed. I mean a ton of weed, and when we broke up, he basically had very little emotions. As one poster said above, weed pushes down their emotions.... so that’s why they can seem cold.

 

It’s such a tough situation to be in. I agree, next time be aware of these types of addictions from the beginning. So you don’t fall in love... but then become aware of all these problems.

 

So sorry. Hugs my friend.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

//I guess this will either motivate him to get clean (although I doubt it), or he'll just have to try and find a woman who doesn't mind a 36 year old guy who's living with his parents, smokes weed every day, drinks most day, plays video games all night after coming home from work, is in debt and has no real goals or ambitions (I know this sounds horrible and cruel, but it's 100% his life).//

 

The ex I lived with for a decade is still drinking all the time. She met someone just like her and they are getting married soon. There is someone for everyone.

 

Losing jobs etc. is a real problem. As I said I got axed for wasting my potential, weed, and living with my father, he's 78 and I am going through a transitional phase. The girl I lived with for a decade kept the house when I left and the rent with my father is a no brainer. I got dumped by someone who drank, wanted to smoke weed when we hung out, in fact she bought $300 worth for us one week before dumping me out of nowhere. She also was hooked on adderall and living rent free with her sister after her divorce.

 

I was pissed she used that excuse, but as I said she was lying and met someone else. But until I knew that I experienced a different frustration, hypocrisy.

 

I smoke because I enjoy it I do have periods where I do it daily, as I said I am an artist and at times I truly believe it helps me. I also need something to keep me from drinking, or going back to Xanax lol. It sounds like this guy was masking some issues and doing the old double whammy daily.

 

If he does get sober down the line, and it might be a decade or more he will remember what happened between you too. When I quit drinking 12 years ago all the people I hurt and all the regrets I had were something I had to face. I think some of my exes were a bit shocked to hear from me a decade later apologizing for stuff they forgot lol.

 

LOL I've also been rejected/dumped when women find out I do not drink, which is frustrating also. I can still have fun, booze is not required.

 

There is a tough balance with some, addictions abusing substances is bad and to some so is not drinking. it equals no fun to them.

 

You did what you had to and I wish you luck moving forward. Onward and upward.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
I have an addiction to food so I'm no different than your ex. Does the prospect of not being able to get laid motivate me to eat healthier? Not really. Probably because I never have gotten any real satisfaction when I had sex in the past. The only thing that satisfies me sexually is masturbation and watching free lesbian porn videos. So no I'm not really motivated to change my eating habits for any woman. I'm 37 years old and don't want children and I don't care if I drop dead tomorrow of a heart attack.

 

 

enough said :)

Link to post
Share on other sites

I've been smoking weed for 5 years or so now. But it has never affected my work or relationship with others.. I enjoy smoking it, I set up rules for myself for example I will not smoke during work or any important events. Only after work, however my exs sister smoked weed like there's no tomorrow..

 

I remember her mother texting me if she could come by and pick up some weed from me.. She has terrible mood swings and she's addicted to weed beyond her control.. She will make everyone's world hell if she doesn't smoke.. Where as me if I don't have it I can go on without it..

 

I appreciate what weed has done for me. It really opened up my point of view how I see things and how I think stuff.. If it wasn't for that I wouldn't be the person I am today.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Nothingtolose
I've been smoking weed for 5 years or so now. But it has never affected my work or relationship with others.. I enjoy smoking it, I set up rules for myself for example I will not smoke during work or any important events. Only after work, however my exs sister smoked weed like there's no tomorrow..

 

I remember her mother texting me if she could come by and pick up some weed from me.. She has terrible mood swings and she's addicted to weed beyond her control.. She will make everyone's world hell if she doesn't smoke.. Where as me if I don't have it I can go on without it..

 

I appreciate what weed has done for me. It really opened up my point of view how I see things and how I think stuff.. If it wasn't for that I wouldn't be the person I am today.

 

Unfortunately not everyone has the self-control and discipline you do. My ex, for example, would bring his vaporizer everywhere we went...sometimes we'd be at a friend's house gathering and he'd be the only person taking regular breaks to go outside in the freezing cold to vape. He couldn't even wait till we got home to do it. When we went out to dinner/drinks, he'd do the same thing. I used to think it was harmless until I saw how unmotivated and apathetic it made him, to the point that he's been fired or laid off from pretty much every job he's had in the last 6-7 years.

 

The sad thing is, he's a very smart and intelligent guy, so I knew if he quit the weed and the booze and started exercising and taking better care of himself, that he could accomplish amazing things in life. Unfortunately he did not want those things for himself, and I became the villain who wanted to change him.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

I used to be like your ex, always high always had to be high etc.

 

He's got some serious issues if he can't go without it for periods of time.

 

Like buriall I set rules, just like folks do when they drink....not during work, unless doing work that is creative and after hours. Like when making paintings for sale and not when I have to actually think and work for others.

 

I used to worry about taking vacations because I would have no weed. Those days are long gone.

 

You did the right thing.

 

LOL I should also mention I am in the industry, I do design and marketing for legal cannabis businesses. Half my clients are stoned and it's frustrating.

 

Substance ABUSE is a legit issue to break up over IMO.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

There’s a difference between getting lit a couple times a day; and being blazed 24/7. My ex was the latter, and he was in the industry as well. As a grower and distribution.

 

Again so sorry my friend...... hugs.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 4 weeks later...
  • Author
Nothingtolose

I broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years, 2 months ago. It was a "forced dump". I initiated the break up due to numerous issues we had in our relationship and him not addressing things he had promised he'd work on (like booking counselling to work on his addictions to weed/booze, amongst some other things).

 

I thought the break up might be a "wake up call" for him, and that he was at least going to try to do something to save us, as I made it very clear why I was breaking up. He took no accountability, acted angry, blamed me for everything, and just accepted the break up, put up no fight.

 

We communicated a few times since, to sort out some things (getting my keys back, closing shared accounts etc - which is all sorted now), but i have not seen him since 10 days post break up.

 

However, 2 weeks ago he reached out to check in on me and tell me he was going for his medical scans (for an issue he's had with his arm for a while), then messaged again to tell me the results, and now, 2 weeks later has reached out again to tell me he got a promotion at work (funny how his lack of ambition/drive/constantly getting laid off was a huge issue in our relationship, and now he gets a promotion...well, good for him).

 

I'm very confused. He has never apologized for making promises he couldnt keep, or tried anything to save us. He was angry when the break up first happened, but then agreed to be friends (I later said I realized I couldn't be friends cause I still loved him, and needed space to forget him first).

 

I didnt think much of him reaching out about the medical tests, but unsure why he's reaching out to tell me about a promotion. Is he trying to be friends? Trying to keep the doors open? Why not go tell one of his friends instead of me? It literally sounded like he had just been offered it, because he said "So, I just got offered blah blah".

 

What do you guys think?

Link to post
Share on other sites
Michelle ma Belle

It seems pretty simple to me, he's looking to reconnect with you. Does he just want friendship or hoping for something more? Too early to tell.

 

The bigger question is how do YOU feel about him popping back up after 3 years? Are you ready to friends with him now? What about getting back together, is that something you'd be open to?

 

I think you need to get straight about YOUR feelings and then proceed accordingly. Like I said, it's too early to tell what or if he has an agenda.

 

Also, I would try and suspend any expectations if you can including an apology that's 3 years too late.

 

Good luck.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...