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Should I pursue her or is it over?


Breaks and Breaking Up It happens to most everyone at some point in life! Share your experiences!

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Old 20th October 2017, 7:55 PM   #1
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Should I pursue her or is it over?

Hi all, I really need some advice about this girl here and I'd love every piece I can get - I've just realised this is quite a long post, but I have a lot things to explain.
Stick with me here!

*****

So in June a new girl starts at work and we hit it off instantly. From day one we're flirting, and things move pretty quickly after that: we're texting by the end of her first week, I went to meet her and her friends at a festival a week later and we ended up having our first kiss and staying long after everyone else, then a week after that we go on our first official date and end up sleeping together.
As I say, things moved pretty quickly and from that point onwards it was established that we were seeing eachother.

The thing is, at that time I wasn't sure if I wanted to be in a relationship, so I didn't commit to anything. I was happy to keep seeing her on a casual basis, and she said that she was ok with how things were going too, so that's how they stayed. During this time we saw a fair bit of eachother and my feelings really developed to the point where I was serious about being official with her.
The problem is that at about the time I was ready to commit (I was literally planning the conversation for a night we had coming up together), she had decided enough was enough and she didn't want to see me anymore. She gave a BS reason about having just got out of a long relationship that ended badly and not being ready for another one, which I accepted at the time and respected her decision to just be friends moving forwards.

After that, I was shocked at how fast her mannerisms towards me changed. The Whatsapp conversations stopped, she started avoided me in the office and when we were together there was no hint of flirting or attraction at all. Don't get me wrong, I know we'd called it quits and I didn't expect things to just stay the same, but at this point I was desperately trying to get over her and couldn't get her out of my head, whilst it looked like she'd just snapped her fingers and instantly stopped caring about me altogether. We were very affectionate with each other all the time before this, holding hands down the street, stealing kisses when no-one was looking at work, messaging all the time etc... so it really hit hard when everything stopped very suddenly.

After a bit of digging and a conversation or two about our relationship, it finally transpired that she broke up with me because she didn't feel like I cared enough about her and she wanted to be whisked away by someone who did. Fair enough, I held my hands up as I can totally see where she's coming from and that's my fault for dragging my heels with her in the first place. I didn't beg for her back at this point, but I did apologise for being such a bad partner in the first place and making her feel unwanted. At this point she said she feels like we're at different points in our 'relationship development' as I wasn't getting her signals that she wanted more, but she said she still really likes me and under different circumstances she'd love to be with me, but taking everything into consideration she really just wants to be friends. She also hinted that there's still an attraction and who knows what will happen if we're drunk together e.g. work Christmas party...

Now, at the time we broke up, we'd literally both just got back from seperate holidays (coincidentally booked for the same week before we knew each other), and after some digging I found out that she'd met a guy on the last night of her holiday (whilst we were still seeing each other and claiming to be exclusive, but whatever...), spent a wild night in the city together (supposedly they didn't sleep together and I do believe her), swapped phone numbers and had been sending flirty texts ever since. Now her sudden lack of attraction made sense: she was getting it from somewhere else. Important note: this guy doesn't live in the same country as us. She claims that after breaking from her ex, she was single for a few months until meeting me, and my lack of committment knocked her back and really broke her confidence. She had no such problem with this other guy who was very into her from the start and made her feel wanted.

The situation now is that this guy has booked a flight to London (our location) for the week, she has booked a week off work and they are spending it in an airbnb together. Her birthday falls during this week too so its a pretty significant date for her. This is literally happening right now - as I type he is literally flying here and they will be meeting tomorrow in person for the first time since their wild night.

Up until the point that I discovered this would be happening (last week), I'd been doing my best to be nice to her at all times. We'd been chatting at work fairly regularly, occasionally she had a bad day and I bought her favourite snacks to put a smile on her face when I was getting my lunch etc... Since I found out about the guy, I told myself that there was no point and to start NC as best as I could. For the last week I've been avoiding her at work and any time we have been forced to talk, I've responded to all non-work related questions with one-word answers to kill the conversation.

This week she commented a few times on how I'm always grumpy with her these days and I don't talk to her anymore despite us saying we'd be friends etc... and she seemed genuinely sad about the situation. Then things got really confusing for me. A couple of days ago she started being affectionate towards me again: staying in the kitchen at work to try and make conversation whilst I prepared food, flirting with little pokes and grabs whenever we happened to be near eachother, and on a couple of occasions she came up and hugged me "just to be nice". She also suggested that we go out for pizza one day next week as it's her birthday (note: we used to eat pizza together for like EVERY meal when we dated) and directly referenced our first date. I didn't comment on the pizza thing initially, but then a day later I did say I've thought of somewhere we could go, and she said she'd message me when she'd worked out a day/time next week.

So in a nutshell:
  • Girl "breaks up" with me
  • Girl basically starts seeing another guy
  • I basically break contact with girl
  • Girl becomes flirty again and suggests meal together



I know all of this has only taken place over a few months and a lot of you will say just get over it, but it's been so intense and we clicked so well that I've genuinely developed strong feelings for her. So my question is, do I continue to pursue this and try to get things back on track with her, or is it a lost cause?

Despite her holiday romance currently taking place, the guy doesn't live here and I can't honestly see it being more than a fling that will fizzle out due to her need for a bit of male attention as mentioned above. What are the thoughts on this?

Assuming we do meet for food in the week, I think it's also a great chance to try and light the spark between us again and see what happens - if it happened before, and she supposedly still likes me, why not again? I'm not saying I'm going to turn up with roses or anything, but if we can just have a really good laugh on the night and enjoy each others company again, surely that's a positive thing?

At the same time, is it all just talk from her? Should I just walk away and forget it? Compared to a couple of weeks ago, the lack of talking between us this week has helped me to get over her so much already - I do still feel sad and a bit jealous when I hear her talking about dating and other guys, but I'm not as depressed as I used to be and I can finally sleep without waking up in the middle of the night which is a plus. Saying that, If there's even a small chance left to get back together, I don't want to turn my back on it because I really would love to be with her. At the same time I don't want to look desperate or push her away more because she has me wrapped around her little finger. I already don't like the idea that the ball is totally in her court for dinner, and I've already decided that if there's not significant notice of a couple of days, I'll make up an excuse as I don't want her to think that she can snap her fingers and I'll come running. But is that the right attitude to have? I have so many questions!

I don't think we'd have a problem if we did give it another go as the only problem in the first place was that I wasn't committed enough, which I obviously would be now. Our "break up" was never particularly bad and we never fell out or argued about anything during the process either.

I just can't work out if I should really push for this dinner together and try to light the spark again, or if I should tell her to forget it and continue NC as best as possible until I really don't care anymore?

If anyone has read this far, any advice, please?
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Old 20th October 2017, 8:45 PM   #2
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Lets see. She dumps you and claims she just got out of a relationship and then proceeds to date someone else.
Then she ignores you and then all of a sudden wants to go to dinner.

Can you say OPTION B which is YOU.

Want to take the ball out of her court? STOP giving her the ball.
She's going to be up and down with you. All into you till she meets someone she deems worthy of replacing you.
TELL her yr not an option for her and she can go somewhere else. That is unless being someone's backup plain suits you.
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Old 20th October 2017, 10:19 PM   #3
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Lets see. She dumps you and claims she just got out of a relationship and then proceeds to date someone else.
Then she ignores you and then all of a sudden wants to go to dinner.

Can you say OPTION B which is YOU.

Want to take the ball out of her court? STOP giving her the ball.
She's going to be up and down with you. All into you till she meets someone she deems worthy of replacing you.
TELL her yr not an option for her and she can go somewhere else. That is unless being someone's backup plain suits you.

Totally agree with Been. It's bs excuse about not being serious that s what people do when they're getting to know one another it goes thru stages until eventually u marry she's full of bs and is so low in her opinion of herself she needs to find it in someone else that s not love that s a desperate need for attention. If i was u I know the connection was strong but it's much work to keep her happy it shouldn't be...she should have self love she doesn't
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Old 20th October 2017, 11:04 PM   #4
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Run away as fast as you can. From experience, this sounds like she is using you as plan B. It also sounds like she used you as a rebound, sometimes this happens to fill a void knowingly (just got out of a LTR that ended badly). Sounds like she also wants to keep you on the backburner. Don't always believe people are telling you the "real" reason they want out of the relationship. Moving way too fast is not good....it will most likely end fast and really messy.

This will play out one of two ways...
1) You get a little hurt now
2) You get very hurt further down the line.

I am going through 2 now. Ex girlfriend from 24 years ago contacts me out of blue, she's getting divorced. She basically asks me to have sex with her, I agree. That same night she tells me she always loved me, she wants to be exclusive. I ignore red flags, rebound, moving way too fast. 6 months later she leaves me suddenly for another old boyfriend, rinse and repeat.

Don't force anything she doesn't want and don't fall for her "let's go to dinner" game plan.

It's hard to accept but she is using you and maybe more to come to fill a void, and she is being honest about it. RUN or get really ****ed up months later.

Then again if you do not really feel love for her and can deal you might end up with a FWB relationship. But if you're posting on these forums I doubt you can handle just being FWB. You like this woman, hate to see you get hurt worse down the line.

Last edited by Trust666; 20th October 2017 at 11:09 PM..
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Old 21st October 2017, 4:12 AM   #5
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I'll make it easier for you to see.
You can pretty much SAY anything to anyone and rather they believe you or not it doesnt matter if the ACTIONS don't back up the words.
For instance she tells you she just got out of a relationship as the grounds to break up with you. And at the time you believe her because you have no reason not to UNTIL her ACTIONS show you she's lying. See her actions differ from what she says.
She's going to be one of those hot and cold I want you now I don't women. You don't want that.
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Old 21st October 2017, 6:18 AM   #6
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Well that's some pretty unanimous feedback - I guess pizza is off the cards then haha

Thanks for the advice guys, if anyone has anything else to add I'd still love to hear it!
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Old 21st October 2017, 7:10 AM   #7
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For you to try to win her back now, after she has a new BF, looks like sour grapes rather than genuine interest.

If the new guy wasn't in the picture & you apologized, stepped up your game * committed in action more so then words this might have been repairable.

Now it just looks like you're jealous because somebody else wants her. She's not going to believe the interest is genuine.

Something similar happened to my husband. He took his then GF out to a fancy dinner, with the intent to propose; he had a ring in his pocket & everything. At the dinner before he could ask she dumped him because she didn't think he was serious enough about the relationship & she wanted somebody who was willing to commit. He was crushed but he never told her about the ring because he felt if she couldn't see how much he cared on the day he planned to propose, there was nothing he was going to be able to do throughout their life together that would ever be good enough for her.

Worked out for me, because I got a great guy.
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Old 21st October 2017, 9:05 AM   #8
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Originally Posted by d0nnivain View Post
For you to try to win her back now, after she has a new BF, looks like sour grapes rather than genuine interest.

If the new guy wasn't in the picture & you apologized, stepped up your game * committed in action more so then words this might have been repairable.

Now it just looks like you're jealous because somebody else wants her. She's not going to believe the interest is genuine.
To be fair to me here I did try this - not that you were to know as I didn't post above.

I gave as much space as possible for about a week after we broke up then sent a message asking her out over the weekend because I wanted to go back to the way we were. She turned me down.

I didn't let that deter me too much and carried on being very nice at work throughout the day, I also bought her lots of little gifts during the week after to show I cared, and asked her out again on a more casual basis a week later (she'd been quite ill and bed-bound for a few days so I suggested we could do something fun if she felt like getting out of the house on the Sunday- no expectations, just knew she was bored and had nothing to do.)
She turned me down again.

A few days later she sent me a message saying she was really grateful for everything and appreciated me making her feel special and being so nice, but she still wanted to be friends.

That's around the time it transpired that she was seeing someone else and I gave up talking to her altogether. I didn't know before then and she knows that.

Looking back now that it's written down, that's all very cliche and probably wasn't the best way to go about things from my side, but I don't think there's any chance she thinks I was just trying to get her back out of jealousy of another guy.

Reading what I've written above though, it seems pretty clear that she did lose interest in me as I gave her the things she supposedly wanted and she still said no, but then my confusion now is the fact that she pretty much initiated the thing between us in the first place, still claims to like me and is now the one suggesting dinner. I haven't made any special efforts with her for a couple of weeks.

She never ignored me and has always tried to stay on a friendly basis when we've been around each other, it's been me that has tried to break contact.

I've decided I won't go to this dinner or anything now, but I am still just confused
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Old 21st October 2017, 9:11 AM   #9
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Even with all the nice things you did for her, you didn't give her what she really wanted.

What she wanted wasn't stuff, or you being nice to her at work.

She wanted you to show up with flowers saying that you had been wrong, that she was everything & you wanted to date her & only her & build toward a real future together Then she wanted you to romance the heck out of her over the weekend -- candlelight, dancing, murmuring sweet nothings, etc.

Asking her out on a "casual basis" is what sent her running into the arms of the other man. Do you not understand that?
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Old 21st October 2017, 9:52 AM   #10
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Even with all the nice things you did for her, you didn't give her what she really wanted.

What she wanted wasn't stuff, or you being nice to her at work.

She wanted you to show up with flowers saying that you had been wrong, that she was everything & you wanted to date her & only her & build toward a real future together Then she wanted you to romance the heck out of her over the weekend -- candlelight, dancing, murmuring sweet nothings, etc.

Asking her out on a "casual basis" is what sent her running into the arms of the other man. Do you not understand that?

I don't think it's that simple when she said her initial reason for breaking up was because she wasn't ready for a relationship having just gotten out of one. Of course I wasn't going to show up and ram flowers in her face armed with that knowledge.

I tried to keep things good between us and show that I did care without trying to shove a relationship she supposedly didn't want in her face as I thought this would drive her away. I thought that after a little break maybe we could give things another go, but this is all before I knew that she was seeing someone else already.

She met this other person before we'd even technically broken up, so again, me asking her out on a casual basis a few weeks later wasn't what caused her to go to him. She was already there, just not admitting it.

Finally, I did ask her out with the intent of romancing her over the weekend before the casual basis, but she turned me down. Makes it a bit difficult to romance someone when they don't give you the chance.
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Old 21st October 2017, 10:07 AM   #11
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You started hot & heavy in June. The you learned this:
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Originally Posted by TurntSloth1 View Post
she broke up with me because she didn't feel like I cared enough about her and she wanted to be whisked away by someone who did.
For her to say she broke up with you because she wasn't ready for a relationship having just gotten out of one is a face saving falsehood. She doesn't want to let you know how deeply your failure to commit hurt.

She broke up with you because she met this other guy on holiday. He was giving her the romance that you were denying her.

When you gave her this break, she interpreted it as you didn't care enough to fight for her & the relationship. Instead of pulling back, that is when you should have showed up with roses. Now that he exists, I don't think dinner is a good idea. If he's still around it would be behind his back. She presumably had enough integrity to break up with you before dating him so why would she sneak around on him with you, other than given the distance, odds are she'll never see him again.

IMO you either need to love bomb her -- have flowers delivered; send a romantic hand written love letter & fully commit or walk away. . . She doesn't want trepid & non-committal. Go all in or get out.
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Old 21st October 2017, 1:48 PM   #12
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You started hot & heavy in June. The you learned this:


For her to say she broke up with you because she wasn't ready for a relationship having just gotten out of one is a face saving falsehood. She doesn't want to let you know how deeply your failure to commit hurt.

She broke up with you because she met this other guy on holiday. He was giving her the romance that you were denying her.

When you gave her this break, she interpreted it as you didn't care enough to fight for her & the relationship. Instead of pulling back, that is when you should have showed up with roses. Now that he exists, I don't think dinner is a good idea. If he's still around it would be behind his back. She presumably had enough integrity to break up with you before dating him so why would she sneak around on him with you, other than given the distance, odds are she'll never see him again.

IMO you either need to love bomb her -- have flowers delivered; send a romantic hand written love letter & fully commit or walk away. . . She doesn't want trepid & non-committal. Go all in or get out.
It's odd how we can have a totally different perspective on the situation. From everything I've read he didn't do anything wrong, they were on the same page and then she just ended it when she thought the grass was greener having met somebody else.

The whole let's get pizza thing seems like she's trying to assuage her guilt while also keeping him on the back burner, in case things go south with the new fling. She's stringing him along.
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Old 21st October 2017, 6:26 PM   #13
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I think I tend to agree with HighnDry here, she was using him as a rebound then got "bored" and or met someone else. She's chasing the feels to fill a void and her actions do not match her words.

I went through s similar thing, however I could tell the women I knew for 25 years was lying....the real reason was simple, I filled a void until she could find someone else to fill a void while she recovers from a bad ending to her last LTR. Her husband cheated on her and kicked her out of the house, then she turned around and cheated on me when something new came along....

Her actions do not match her words. This is why I said run away or stay and get hurt much more down the line. Men and women in this stage tend to do nothing but create chaos and hurt people, and do they ever really fill that void? If you get back together will you be able to trust them or will it be eggshells until she decides she needs another void filler.
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Old 24th October 2017, 6:13 AM   #14
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It's true, I don't want to be strung along on the sidelines, but supposing this guy she spending time with doesn't work out as he lives so far away, there could be a chance that I could be at the front of her affections again, right? Thinking about things, it looks like she liked me, got no commitment but stayed with me until a better offer came along i.e. someone who actually committed to her, or something happened between us - whatever came first.

I can't really blame her for this as it is my fault things got that far and I never should've dragged my heels, but if that doesn't work out then surely I'll have a chance to make things right and try again? She told me that just before we went on our holidays (the last time we were really 'a couple') she wanted to ask me about us and have the talk about what we were, but she couldn't find the words. Based on that, I can't blame her for wanting my attention and wanting me to chase her, although it is pretty cruel given that she's seeing someone else and supposedly only wants to be friends.

As cruel as it is, the fact that she's still trying to hang onto my attention must mean that at some point she wants the option of us to be on the table again, right? Or is this literally something people will do just for kicks? It's not like she needs me to stay friends to fill the void until her next man as he's already in the picture - albiet maybe not for long due to distance?

God I don't know what I'm doing. I'm trying so hard to just ignore everything that's going on at the moment and just let her go, and I know I shouldn't devalue myself, but she's on my mind all the time and I just want us to be back together again. I've woken up in the middle of the night every day for the last week upset because of her and it's driving me crazy. We haven't been seeing eachother for over a month now and I'm still crazy about her. I've thrown myself into my social life, been going out with friends and keeping myself busy every weekend/some weekday evenings but nothing compares or takes my mind off her for long.

Yesterday was her birthday and I made the mistake of looking at her Instagram story (she never used this feature when we were together either) and saw a picture of two plates of food with the guy's hand in the background. That really knocked me for six and I spent the whole evening depressed all over again. I knew that she'd be with him this week but seeing it just made it all too real. Love songs in the office this morning have added to my despair even more and I'm just not in a great place

I didn't wish her happy birthday either as I didn't want to break NC, but I'm not sure if this was the right thing to do in the long run... does it look bitter/petty on my part?

How do I react when she's in the office again later this week? I don't know whether to just ignore her, kill any potential conversations and keep to NC as much as possible or to put a brave face on it and come across happy like I don't have a care in the world?

She started with the other guy so quickly after me that she hasn't been able to give me another chance as it would've kinda been cheating, and I strongly believe that if she'd never bumped into him this situation never would've happened between us. After seeing the way I treated her these last few weeks she did say she was surprised by how much I clearly liked her as this never came across before. So what if she's been holding out to see what happens this week seeing as the holiday with him was already booked, and then, realistically if the long distance thing or something else doesn't work for her maybe she's not completely ready to rule me out?

I know I should just chalk this up as a loss and a learning experience and try to move on, and I honestly am trying to and I appreciate all of the advice so much, but at the same time I really believe that the issue that caused her to turn to someone else in the first place is so easily fixable, so why should I not try after the dust of this week has settled?

I just don't know anymore and I can't work out where her head is on the whole subject.

Last edited by TurntSloth1; 24th October 2017 at 6:28 AM..
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Old 24th October 2017, 1:25 PM   #15
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So you would be OK with her dumping you like that, getting with a new guy that quickly, then coming back to you when things don't work out with him? You want a second chance that bad with her coming back not because she regrets breaking up and truly misses what she had with you, but because things didn't work with the new guy?
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