revisit conversation??

[8mia8]

Seeing someone for 3months (a couple times each week), but known for a year, and was told that he could not commit to a serious relationship which left me confused since I never asked for that. Also, am not sleeping with him (just making out) and there's no one else. I was a bit shocked and didn't say much of anything except something along then lines of, as long as you're happy. Since he always initiated contact previously and I didn't really know what happened or why that was said, we ended up in NC for a month.

 

After a month, he contacted me saying he missed me and eventually we ended up seeing each other and things were like before with no mention of what happened. He seems to be treating me nicer and seemed to open up a bit more.

 

Personally, I'm not ready, don't think I know him well enough, to be having a conversation about commitment. Should the conversation be revisited though? I'm confused what's going on.

[basil67]

He said he could not commit to a serious relationship. Given that you know this about him, I would say that a discussion about commitment should be off the table. If you wanted eventual commitment, this should have been discussed before you got back together.

 

That said, if you want commitment and he doesn't, then you're wasting a whole lot of time being with him.

[8mia8]

I'm still in the -getting to know you- phase. If he had told me the opposite, that he wanted commitment, I would have ran (too soon for me to even think about it). That said, I never said any of this since I was too confused at the time and afterward, it never came up.

 

Since people mean different things, I'm not even sure what committed serious relationship means since we're not seeing anyone else, this isn't a fwb thing, and I never asked for anything to change. Revisiting the convo would not be asking for commitment but what he means? Or, I don't know... I'm confused why he came back and is being closer than before.

Edited October 20, 2017 by 8mia8

[266696687]

I'm still in the -getting to know you- phase. If he had told me the opposite, that he wanted commitment, I would have ran (too soon for me to even think about it). That said, I never said any of this since I was too confused at the time and afterward, it never came up.

 

Since people mean different things, I'm not even sure what committed serious relationship means since we're not seeing anyone else, this isn't a fwb thing, and I never asked for anything to change. Revisiting the convo would not be asking for commitment but what he means? Or, I don't know... I'm confused why he came back and is being closer than before.

 

It means he has already decided you are not the woman for him. Anything you do with this guy post the 'no commitment' comment is no strings, he doesn't want you as a girlfriend. He will continue to see you and maybe hope eventually you'll sleep with him no strings attached of course but he will not commit to you. By seeing him again after the conversation you had (regardless of it being a month later) you have effectively agreed to that as you have continued to see him knowing he doesn't want to pursue a relationship with you This guy is looking for a no strings sexual relationship with you. You haven't given it up but the fact that he is being nicer to you shows you he is working on it currently.

 

if you continue to see him you are setting yourself up to get hurt. He will later (once you've slept with him) throw back at you the fact he told you from the very beginning that he didn't want to have a relationship with you. It doesn't matter if you've seen him for 3 months or 6 months once he has fulfilled what he is looking for or a girlfriend comes along he will drop you. He has clearly told you he doesn't want you as a girlfriend believe him. He means it. Nothing he says or does from that point onwards means anything, he can tell you how much he likes you, how good you are together, how much fun you are, how well you get along. None of it matters because he told you he doesn't want a relationship with you so it's never gonna happen. He has however decided he would like to sleep with you anyway which is why he told you this early on, let you cool down and then got back in touch. Any sweet talk is purely for the purpose of getting you into bed!

 

This guy will use you if you let him. He is already using you for a make out buddy!

 

Do you really want to date a guy who has told you he doesn't want you?

 

I would broach the topic with him one last time and ask him if he came back because he wants to pursue a relationship or if he still feels the same as previously which is that he wants no commitment? You'll get your answer! If he says anything less than yes then he is simply hoping for no string sex.

 

If he says I just want to see where it goes = no strings

I want us to be 'good friends' = no strings

I'm not saying no but maybe I'll want a relationship in the future = no strings this is used to make you hope for more while he still doesn't commit.

I don't know = no strings

 

Just some examples above!

Edited October 20, 2017 by 266696687

[8mia8]

If there's anything I know about this, it's that NSA not his intention; he knows that will not happen, not my beliefs/I'm not that kind of person. It's also not his background. Even making out is not his intention. And no, he does want me to be his girlfriend.

 

When we were seeing each other, it was under the intention of continuing our friendship since our previous circumstance changed and we would not have a chance to see each other any more but after a couple months, feelings developed and it became more serious for the last month. I literally want a - lets see where things go - even though I agree with him that anything serious would be difficult but his thought is, too difficult so better not try.

[266696687]

If there's anything I know about this, it's that NSA not his intention; he knows that will not happen, not my beliefs/I'm not that kind of person. It's also not his background. Even making out is not his intention. And no, he does want me to be his girlfriend.

 

When we were seeing each other, it was under the intention of continuing our friendship since our previous circumstance changed and we would not have a chance to see each other any more but after a couple months, feelings developed and it became more serious for the last month. I literally want a - lets see where things go - even though I agree with him that anything serious would be difficult but his thought is, too difficult so better not try.

 

Okay well this totally contradicts your first post.

 

You said he told you he didn't want a commitment, and here you say he wants you to be his girlfriend? He is either committed or he isn't. If he told you he doesn't want to be committed then I'm afraid he doesn't want you as a girlfriend.

 

You also say that making out isn't his 'intention' well I'm afraid to burst your bubble here but clearly it is his intention otherwise he wouldn't be making out with you at all. What you have with him is not a friendship, you don't make out with friends. You crossed the friends line already.

 

You seem very confused and I'm not sure what advice you are seeking here?

[8mia8]

Yes, I am very confused! I was told within the same conversation that he wants me to remain his girlfriend, everything is fine, but that he isn't looking for a committed serious relationship (all without me asking). Yet, somehow there was NC for a month afterwards, during which I thought that must have been some weird way of breaking up, and now he's back.

 

As far as the intention... maybe that's not the right way to describe but there's apologies and hesitations - Sorry, I shouldn't do this. Sorry, I can't help myself. Pulling back completely in the middle of things. These actions and words align, and he isn't pressing for more.

[stillafool]

If you too are not looking for a serious relationship then tell him this so he can relax and stop worrying about it. Your problem is you won't tell him what you want.

[dumbass2]

Tell him what you are looking for. If it's boyfriend girlfriend then that's a committed relationship. If you're not sure then you are casually dating and both able to date others. Those are your choices after knowing him this long. Since you have confusion and its problematic enough that you are on here, then have a good talk with him. Poor communication is the biggest issue with relationships fizzling out early on.