Grass Is Greener Syndrome - A phase or a lifetime decision? What can I do?

[determineddumpee]

Hi all,

 

TL;DR: I have a question about the 'grass is greener syndrome'. Basically: should you go No Contact when you know there is a risk your ex might find the grass really is greener? Is there something I can do now to change things, or should I disappear for a while?

 

IMPORTANT DETAILS BELOW!

 

My ex and I broke up with a little over a month ago. We were strong together for two years - I had a great relationship with her family and traveled overseas with her for a time. But recently, since we got back, she broke it off with me, completely out of nowhere, explaining that she has 'never known what its like to be single', 'doesn't want to have spent her entire twenties in a relationship', and is 'worried she will come to resent me if we stay together'.

 

She is 25, I am 23. She was in a relationship with someone else for four years before me (aka: 2 seamless relationships from ages 19-25) but was very bored, stuck, and not attracted. In retrospect, she should have taken a break between relationships to do some important soul searching, but she left that relationship to be with me (we were good friends for two years before we got together), and we were so deeply in love it was an impossible decision to make at the time.

 

We have had such a strong and healthy relationship since getting together. Until this relationship, I had been single for most of my life (with a few short exceptions and flings here and there), and I feel like I have gained a lot from being alone and flying solo for a bit. I have some perspective and know that being single is not all it's cracked up to be - I was ready to commit to this girl as a lifelong partner.

 

She agrees our relationship is 'flawless' and 'absolutely perfect' - she admitted she felt like she was ready to move in together. But around her 25th birthday she had somewhat of a 'quarter life crisis' - at the same time she wanted to be with me, she worries that she has never known what its like to live life outside of a relationship. This was apparently 'completely at odds with how she felt' about me because she is 'deeply in love', and for a long time she protected herself from making the decision to break it off - but it eventually had to happen.

 

I'm in a lot of pain right now, with no real explanation to fall back on - the problem exists outside our relationship. After a week of No Contact I told her I was angry and upset with being treated like a 'drawn-out rebound', which really upset her - she came to my house and looked like she was not handling things well, but we have not spoken even once since then. In most cases I know the best thing to do is to go No Contact. I hope to give her space, let her learn for herself that the single life isn't as great as it seems, focus on myself, and maybe get in contact further down the line.... It's been 3 weeks since we last spoke.

 

The trouble is, I get this horrible feeling that she is going to find someone else, someone better than me... She has been going out with her friends and looks like shes having a great time - our mutual friends tell me she feels like she did the right things. She has a successful career and has recently made some massive gains with her work, new opportunities and people to meet. I am, however, am a bit younger than her, and feeling a little unstable about my future. Our relationship felt like something I could count on, and having it ripped out from beneath me has been debilitating.

 

I'm painfully aware that every day that goes by that we don't speak, is another day that we grow apart. I know she might not forget me, but I also know her feelings are surely fading, and it will take a lot to rebuild if we ever do get back together. Do people going through this 'GIGS' phenomenon eventually come back? Is there any sense in waiting to see how this plays out, or should I just move on right now? She quit her job, moved house, is hanging out with new friends, and I see her commenting on another guy's photo on Instagram. It doesn't bother me so much because I want her to 'get it out of her system' so to speak, but it's only been a month! At the same time I worry that perhaps there's something I can do that I'm not doing. Am I letting her go too easily? Can I do something to keep her from forgetting me? I don't want to hang around in her life and just be her 'friend', but I don't want to miss my window of opportunity while she still misses me a lot. I think about her a little less every day, but it terrifies me that the same thing is probably happening with her.

 

Any advice is much appreciated. I feel totally wrecked by this. I have been focusing on myself and hanging out with friends a lot, but she is still the first thing I think of when I wake up every day. We have all the same friends and work in the same circles, so it's getting increasingly difficult to avoid her. She is hosting a big event soon, but I don't know if I could handle it if I attend. I really want to find a way to get this girl back, but I also want her to experience this single life for real. When she's ready for a relationship, how can I make sure it's me she comes back to? Will she always be just out of reach if she knows I'm always here?

 

Thanks! )

[dumbass2]

What you have to understand is that she's been in a few relationships now and if she felt the same as you, she would never risk losing you. Could she come back in the future? Sure, but highly highly unlikely. She just doesn't feel the same as you and she's throwing some words out there to try and ease the break up. Sounds like she felt the same with you at the end that she felt in her last relationship. Maybe she does need a few years to be single and see what's out there, but you should not be waiting or hoping that someday she'll be back for a relationship again with you. She may contact you again, but probably only seeking attention.

[Been]

If everything is perfect you don't throw it away.

Everyday you don't contact her you also get stronger AND you show her your not an option and you won't be treated as such.

Everyday you DO contact her your saying hey I'm still here begging for you to comeback and when things don't workout you have me to fallback to.

Your both young and you could get back togeather. But DONT be an option for someone. And DONT wait for her.

But youngster I'm going to leave you with one final thought from someone whose been around the block- and I want you to really give it some thought.

 

If you got back togeather are you really comfortable with the fact that someone can up and leave you when everything is going perfectly?

Do you really think it would be the same as it first was or would you end up walking on eggshells worried about her repeating leaving again?

And finally what I always tell everyone: ACTIONS speak louder then WORDS. If her actions don't matchup with her words then her words mean NOTHING.

[determineddumpee]

If you got back togeather are you really comfortable with the fact that someone can up and leave you when everything is going perfectly?

 

I have thought about this a lot. Sometimes I think it would be worrying, but sometimes I think there is some security in knowing that she was given a chance to know what its like being single, and made an informed decision to come back to our relationship based on that experience. She'd be making a larger commitment to a relationship - but maybe that's wishful thinking.

 

The difficult thing is bowing out of her life completely. We haven't spoken in almost a month and its torturing me knowing she is probably moving on while I'm still feeling awful about it. As someone who's been around the block, what do you think - do ex's back together after a long period of No Contact? Is that even possible or will the spark go out? I think the worst thing for me is this anxiety about not knowing whether I'm doing the right thing.

[determineddumpee]

What you have to understand is that she's been in a few relationships now and if she felt the same as you, she would never risk losing you. Could she come back in the future? Sure, but highly highly unlikely. She just doesn't feel the same as you and she's throwing some words out there to try and ease the break up.

 

It might be this, you're right - and if it is I'd be super angry about it, because she is not being honest. But part of me feels like her last relationship ended because she was bored and saw me as someone fun and worth leaving for. To end this relationship however, she's not leaving for someone else, she's leaving for a life as a single woman.

Sure, if she felt the same about me as I do about her, she would never risk losing me - but I think the prospect of living her entire twenties without knowing what it's like to be single must be eating away at her. That's where our age difference comes in, maybe. Suddenly what was a pretty-easy going relationship for me, became a lifetime decision for her.

 

It seems like she needs to know what it's like to be single, in order to even think about being in a relationship again, and that's why it becomes a question of how long she needs..... I know I shouldn't wait, but we live in the same city and have all the same friends, live a suburb away from each other. It's so painful but a bit impossible not to see it as an option.

 

Any tips on how to disappear entirely?

[RecentChange]

Ugh, I am sorry, that must be gut wrenching.

 

But honestly, I don't think you can just walk away from the love of your life. I don't think most people could easily throw away a "perfect" relationship.

 

I think you are going to have to lick your wounds and move on. No contact if you can - and take it one day at a time. Time really does heal.

[Been]

You got it all wrong. If she was to comeback it was only because her experiment at being single didn't workout and she KNEW that you would take her back.

You don't throw away something that is flawless.

To me its a lifetime decision. It would be another thing if you were fighting and not getting along but you were not. Everything seemed fine.

And it would be another thing if school or work was causing problems.

But it wasn't. She just up and QUIT on you. To me that would be too much to forgive. What happens when you both are togeather and you encounter difficult times?

[Goodguy05]

When someone shows u what there like, believe them...

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm sorry, OP. I know this is very painful.

 

Some exes come back, but in my experience, the majority do not. Not for good, anyhow. The same problems tend to creep up again. And no relationship is flawless and perfect. Couples who claim everything is perfect are usually not being honest with themselves that there are issues, even minor one - we are human and imperfect by nature.

 

GIGS, in my opinion, is a construct tinkered together by dumpees to try to make sense of their ex's seemingly sudden departure. But generally it's a lot simpler than that - one person has lost interest in the relationship and wants out. Putting a label on it makes it somehow easier to digest, but it's not as though it's a real illness that can be caught, treated and cured.

 

It's clear she loves you and cares about you, but she just doesn't feel the same anymore. You can love someone in the sense that you want the best for them, but not be invested in a future together anymore. That is what's happening here, from my point of view.

 

I know you are very sad, and I completely understand why. It's not impossible that she will come back, but I would not hedge any bets on it.

[Southern Sun]

I am very sorry for what you are going through.

 

It is hard enough to break up with someone when you feel ambivalence, much less when you claim it is a perfect relationship. She obviously had her reasons. I'm sure it was difficult for her too, but she indeed *wanted* the breakup.

 

Do not try to stay present in her life. She asked to breakup, so she needs to get what she claims to have wanted. If you try to stick around in any capacity, she will perceive it as weakness and that is NOT what you want. She'll see that she can end the relationship and yet you are STILL there.

 

Be strong and move forward without her. You say you are uncertain in your career. That may have been something that was bothering her and she felt bad to say it, especially since she was finding her own success. Focus on that. Grow yourself there. Become a man that any woman in their right mind would fall all over. Learn from this and become someone you are proud of. Eventually she won't be your main focus, whether or not she suddenly realizes what she lost.

[determineddumpee]

It's clear she loves you and cares about you, but she just doesn't feel the same anymore. You can love someone in the sense that you want the best for them, but not be invested in a future together anymore. That is what's happening here, from my point of view.

 

This resonates with me for some reason. When we broke up she told me she was expecting on 'buying furniture and moving in together' and felt that it was 'the next step in our relationship'. But at a certain point she realized that if it kept going, we were beginning to make a larger commitment to each other at a time in her life where she isn't quite ready to do it. And she felt if she wasn't honest about that she would feel resentful or bitter.

 

I just wish it had come up sooner. I gave this girl so many opportunities to tell me, and we talked about our futures a lot. In fact at the beginning of the relationship I was very apprehensive but she put a lot of pressure on me to commit - to tell my family quite early on, hang out every day. I eventually eased into it but it took a lot of getting used to. Now I have to unlearn all of it!

I can't help but feel like she was protecting her emotions at the expense of mine by pretending everything was all good for so long. Maybe she wasn't pretending, in which case she made this decision in a matter of days and it seems completely rash and impulsive. I feel super upset about that. But at the same time, I understand where she's coming from.

 

I have continued to be completely out of contact with her and have been focusing on myself, but it's difficult knowing we will be at the same parties and events in the near future - one of which is hosted by her and contains content about our break-up....I don't know if I could handle the emotions.

I don't want to pull any grand gestures and push her away, so I feel like I've accepted I need to 'let go'. If we were to get back together, I would hope we had both changed - let go and come back together organically. But if we're in the same city, have all the same friends, work in the same industry - its hard not to feel like the option is always there? Not like I'm waiting necessarily, but knowing she is only a short distance away - socially and geographically - its very uncomfortable. Even if I'm not waiting for her, how might I get rid of this feeling that reconciliation is always a possibility just over the horizon?

[Marc878]

You don't have to worry about pushing her away. She already left.

 

You don't get it yet but hopefully you will at some point.