Ex not respecting initial request for NC

[Fewch]

Like most posters here I'm sure, my story is long and complicated.

 

I'm 36, she's 21. Despite this ridiculous age gap, I loved and still love her deeply. We were a couple for a year, until the usual pressures of such an age difference(her going out to the bars every weekend, LOTS of drinking, spending time/facebooksnapchatinstagramming with guys who she thinks are her "friends") took their toll and, in a moment of frustration, I broke up with her. It didn't take me long to regret my decision, as despite all this I was head over heels for this girl and knew deep down her feelings for me were solid. I really broke her heart when I left her house that night, and essentially spent the next 10(TEN!) months following her around trying to get her to take me back as her partner. We were intimate a whole lot over these 10 months, and hung out all the time, but she wouldn't commit to a relationship as I guess for her the damage was done. She was pretty clearly wanting to keep her options open, but also not to lose me from her life. As you can imagine, this was the source of a lot of frustration for me, and resulted in a lot of fights where I would tell her variations of "I can't do this anymore" and exit in a huff, and then two days/a week later I'd be calling her and we'd resume the cycle. This happened so many times that I'm absolutely ashamed now looking back on it. I've never been more torn up about a romantic situation and I was acting uncharacteristically I'd prefer not to focus too much on this in the replies as that behaivour really is in the past.

 

This brings us to the beginning of August where she decided out of the blue to slow down physical contact, wouldn't kiss me on the lips, would bristle when I tried to touch her, etc. Painful stuff. I assumed another guy was in the picture, but whatever the case this was as far as I could go with this situation. I told her I didn't want this to be a platonic thing and asked her to please not contact me for a while and that was that. My exit was a bit more dramatic than I would have liked, but I figured I had communicated my point well enough. Of course, being the softie I am, I actually start to feel bad about deserting her BUT I refrain from reaching out. She calls me at the start of Sept to "see if I hate her." I tell her it's really nice to hear from her, that I don't hate her by any stretch, but just explain more calmly why I can't really be in contact. Since then she has been reaching out once or twice a week, either through text or phone, I have not initiated one time, although I do respond. I keep my replies brief(I'm a pretty verbose guy so I figure this alone has to be a pretty big hint), but she keeps coming back. Just last night she texted me before bed and I spent the night literally dreaming of her and it's just ruining me.

 

My question is: is it better I ignore her next round of text/calls? Or send her a short message asking her to leave me alone yet again? I would prefer not to ignore her as it's really not in my nature, but I also would prefer not to go through the whole spiel of asking her to leave me alone again. I don't want to be the source of anymore drama in this girls life. I don't want her to remember me like this, as my actual nature is very chill and calm. I would never say this to her, but I still have hope for us being together after she gets through this phase of drinking/going out/partying. I would prefer to leave a good impression in her mind in case circumstances did change one day. So yeah, ignore or another lecture?

[Fewch]

Like, as of this exact moment, I'd prefer to not do anything and hope she gets the hint. The problem is, she doesn't appear to be getting the hint. And if I do nothing there's a good chance next week I'll be right back at square one - she texts me and I end up tossing and turning all night while I dream about sitting next to her and ****ing holding her hand or something equally embarrassing.

Edited October 19, 2017 by Fewch

[dumbass2]

When you set a boundary you have to enforce it or she will not respect it. You've told her not to contact you and she continues because you reply. She knows that you're still in love with here and would probably do anything to have her back in a relationship. She doesn't respect you because you always give in and she's in control. Doesn't matter how you reply it's the fact you give her the attention. If you are serious about getting out of this unhealthy cycle, then you must block her out of your life. At this point you really need to go NC so you can heal and move on. I really don't see any other way.

[Fewch]

So, as pathetic as this question is, you think it's more likely she'd ultimately respect me more if I just started ignoring her calls/texts as opposed to launching into another spiel? I think if I texted/emailed her a tersely worded paragraph on why she needs to stop as it's hurting me, it could also be effective. But I'm going on 3 months now of sending no emotional texts/emails, so I'm kind of hesitant to break that streak

 

I'm no angel when it comes to how I've treated women in my life, however, I've NEVER been one to just ignore anybody's attempts to reach out. I don't know if it stems from psychological issues of my own, but I just don't know if I can do that. I read about guys online doing this and legitimately envy their ability to just shut down like that. I guess the idea is she would ultimately understand why I stopped responding?

[Fewch]

I know very well that her anxiety is probably down to the fact that she assumes I have met another girl. Me responding in the casual way that I am for the past month, when she's SO used to me wearing my heart on my sleeve, is throwing her for a huge loop.

[dumbass2]

First off you need to come to the realization that you two will not be in a romantic committed relationship again. This is not the woman that you will marry. You're in denial and hoping not to piss her off just in case she wants you as an option. I think the main issue going forward is the age gap and her being only 21. She still has a lot to learn and explore during her early 20's. You're at different stages in your life. I suggest looking for someone who has a little more of life experiences under their belt and is not so much into partying any more.

 

I suggest just ignoring, but if you must, text her simply that you two should no longer be in contact and if she contacts you, you will not be responding and just end it with take care. Again, if you set a boundary you must enforce it. She will more than likely test it and each time you respond in any way, you are losing your self respect. This isn't about her respecting you its about you respecting yourself. Again, I would just ignore at this point because you've told her already.

[BC1980]

Like, as of this exact moment, I'd prefer to not do anything and hope she gets the hint. The problem is, she doesn't appear to be getting the hint. And if I do nothing there's a good chance next week I'll be right back at square one - she texts me and I end up tossing and turning all night while I dream about sitting next to her and ****ing holding her hand or something equally embarrassing.

 

She will eventually stop if you don't answer. Right now, she's testing your boundary to see how serious you are about keeping NC. That's really just normal human behavior. It's like a child when you tell them they can't have something. The child is going to test your boundary until they finally figure out you are serious, and it's no longer worth the effort.

 

I would strongly suggest that you block her because you can't manage talking with her right now (which you already figured out after 10 months of torture), but you also can't manage her texting you even if you don't respond. Like you said, her texts are causing you to toss and turn all night and imagine being with her, which is obviously counterproductive to healing and also just being able to live your life.

 

You have to be serious about moving on if you want to implement NC, and it's got to come from you. No one can make you do it. You have to go further than simply not responding to texts. You have to take protective measures and block her, and unfollow her on social media if you are doing that. If you want to revisit contact with her at a later date, you can, but right now is not the time.

[Highndry]

I think you're afraid to lose her. All of your behavior leans towards that. Deep down you fear that ignoring her will push her off for good, so you're responding to keep that last glimmer of hope alive. It's actually doing nothing for your cause if you really did want her back. When you show her through your actions that you no longer want or need her, she'd be more inclined to push for something.

 

That being said, I think this relationship has run its course. I agree with the above commenter your efforts are better spent with somebody in a similar stage in life. Good luck.

[Beachead]

Hey OP,

 

My response may not be something you want to hear but none the less I urge you to consider the perspective as you go through this.

 

She may come back but it may only be for a temporary time..something like using you as a rebound, back-up, or for attention and such.

 

From experience of dating girls around this age, you may be asking to wait a very long time. I'm talking about years. And it's one of those things where if you are constantly around, she will never know what it's like to live without you. Furthermore, being she is a 21 year old girl, you are competing with a lot. She is still developing her taste in men, figuring out who she is, what she wants. She's going to have to live life a little more, make mistakes, date a few of the wrong guys, finish school or not finish school or change jobs multiple times. Any of these endeavors may take her to another country, state, or someplace else in the world. This is what the 20's are in this day and age; an unstable, uncertain period of time where things can change in a blink of an eye. The physical is all there but emotionally, she has some ways to go before she can be ready for you. Although you have gone through all this and may be ready for a long-term relationship, she is just beginning. You two are in different stages in life.

 

I am willing to wager that this is the main reason for her gradually becoming distant. It is something that is far bigger than you.

Edited October 19, 2017 by Beachead

[Fewch]

I think you're afraid to lose her. All of your behavior leans towards that. Deep down you fear that ignoring her will push her off for good, so you're responding to keep that last glimmer of hope alive. It's actually doing nothing for your cause if you really did want her back. When you show her through your actions that you no longer want or need her, she'd be more inclined to push for something.

 

All of these posts have been money, but this parts hits very close to home. As proud as I am of myself for not once initiating any contact for the past 3 months(which as I've established, is definitely unfamiliar territory for her to be in as she has gotten so used to me giving in), I know deep down I'm hoping that next text from her is gonna be her saying some variation of, "I want to give us another chance." If I'm honest with myself I know I've been waiting to hear that for more than a year now. And yeah, by ignoring her when she reaches out, and shutting that door for good, I know that I won't be able to fool myself into potentially ever getting to hear her say that.

[elaine567]

YOU don't want to lose contact with her, this farcical situation has developed because you want her to change her mind and date you again.

 

YOU want her to go "OMG Fewch I love you so much let's get back together, move in together and live happily ever after", but I guess that is not going to happen.

She is 21, she has years of partying, drinking, flirting and getting with other guys to get out of her system before she would even consider being your gf again, and even then, maybe not... sorry to say.

 

Like many other men your age, you tried to make a gf/wife/LT partner out of a woman in her teens early twenties. Sounds great, young hot "wife", you would be the envy of all your mates, BUT these girls do NOT make wife material. They may play at it for a while but they grow up, they get bored, they want different things.

They have their own life to lead first, they do not want to get tied down with older guys like you, as you do not speak her "language". You could almost be her father, who really wants to date their father at 21?

She is now looking around at younger guys, who are looking hotter by the minute too...

She likes the attention you give her, that is all.

 

Time for you to grieve, heal and move on.

[Fewch]

For anybody still reading this, I do want to underline that I am definitely not waiting for her. Nor do I plan to wait. I have been on a bunch of dates with different women, and am keeping my options wide open. I was just saying, I'd prefer not to burn this bridge by blocking her out, as life is long and things can change. I'm aware it would likely be years until this could possibly happen.

 

I think I might just try and really focus on ignoring her next call. It's funny, but a surefire way to make her go silent would be for me to pick up my phone right now and call her! Or start texting her asking her how her day was. Guarantee I wouldn't hear anything then until Christmas.

[Fewch]

YOU don't want to lose contact with her, this farcical situation has developed because you want her to change her mind and date you again.

 

YOU want her to go "OMG Fewch I love you so much let's get back together, move in together and live happily ever after", but I guess that is not going to happen.

She is 21, she has years of partying, drinking, flirting and getting with other guys to get out of her system before she would even consider being your gf again, and even then, maybe not... sorry to say.

 

Like many other men your age, you tried to make a gf/wife/LT partner out of a woman in her teens early twenties. Sounds great, young hot "wife", you would be the envy of all your mates, BUT these girls do NOT make wife material. They may play at it for a while but they grow up, they get bored, they want different things.

They have their own life to lead first, they do not want to get tied down with older guys like you, as you do not speak her "language". You could almost be her father, who really wants to date their father at 21?

She is now looking around at younger guys, who are looking hotter by the minute too...

She likes the attention you give her, that is all.

 

Time for you to grieve, heal and move on.

 

I know for a fact she has no interest in younger guys, and trust me I wish she did! That would be easy for me to rationalize. She has a very strong thing for older guys and it's killing me right now that she is probably snapchatting with some 54 year old at the moment. An older guy will absolutely be the one to snatch her up. I'm sure he'll probably end up going through the same troubles with her, but still, you're assuming a lot here.

 

You're definitely right, however, in calling it a farcical situation at the moment.

[Highndry]

Nevermind.

Edited October 19, 2017 by Highndry

[Fewch]

It's a weird tone that elaine post yeah. The older guy dating a younger girl thing pushes some buttons, though. I'm used to that. I do really appreciate her lending her perspective.

Edited October 19, 2017 by Fewch

[Highndry]

It's a weird tone that elaine post yeah. The older guy dating a younger girl thing pushes some buttons, though. I'm used to that.

 

Yeah, I edited my post because I don't want to get into any sort of conflict, but I have noticed that some women get wadded up when a guy is dating a much younger gal. I personally see no issue at all as long as both parties are happy. If it works for them, great. If it's an older woman and younger man, that's great too.

[elaine567]

It's a weird tone that elaine post yeah. The older guy dating a younger girl thing pushes some buttons, though. I'm used to that.

Its not about buttons or age for that matter, it is about life stages and you got it totally wrong here and no matter how much you wish to deny, you would take her back in a heart beat if she was interested... but she ain't...

It is very easy to get rid of someone and not have them continually try to contact you, but you have to want to get rid of them first...

I was just saying, I'd prefer not to burn this bridge by blocking her out, as life is long and things can change.

Are you really prepared for her to mess up your life for that long?

Move on for your own good.

[Fewch]

Its not about buttons or age for that matter, it is about life stages and you got it totally wrong here and no matter how much you wish to deny, you would take her back in a heart beat if she was interested... but she ain't...

It is very easy to get rid of someone and not have them continually try to contact you, but you have to want to get rid of them first...

 

Are you really prepared for her to mess up your life for that long?

Move on for your own good.

 

Yeah you're back to being very aggressive here for no reason. I have admitted in this thread that I would take her back in a heart beat if she were interested, which I know she isn't? So I don't see why you're throwing that back at me like you figured something out. I chased her around for 10 months like a lost dog, of course I want her to want me back. I'm reading back over my posts and I don't see my denying any of that.

 

"Very easy to get rid of someone"? Wtf???? The whole point of this thread is that I'm not finding it easy to get rid of this person as she keeps contacting me? I have not picked up my phone once these past three months to initiate ANYTHING with her. I am fully confident if she stopped contacting me today I could go another year or however long without hearing or seeing anything of her. It's kind of the whole premise of this thread. I don't know what to tell you.

 

As far as me messing up my life, I am seeing other women and plan on seeing more. I don't plan on waiting for this person, I was merely saying I would prefer to end this on a warm note so in 5 years time..who knows? There's no harm in not setting gasoline to everything. I know it's unlikely, but stranger things have happened than people reconnecting later in life. Maybe I'm making too much of a big deal about ignoring her, and it's possible she'd understand and forgive me for that. And yeah, I'm aware I have to put me first. I'm going to try that starting next time she reaches out. Thanks everybody for your posts.

[dumbass2]

You never get what you really want in this world be continuously accepting less. You've accepted less by essentially agreeing to be her FWB. I did the same to a degree with my ex when she came back. I agreed by actions to her terms. The last talk I had with her over 2 years ago was that if she was not willing fully to try again right now, then we should no longer be in contact. I actually felt great relief after that call. No more stringing me along with a glimmer of hope. I had finally taken control of my life back and I'm in a very healthy relationship now.

[Fewch]

You never get what you really want in this world be continuously accepting less. You've accepted less by essentially agreeing to be her FWB. I did the same to a degree with my ex when she came back. I agreed by actions to her terms. The last talk I had with her over 2 years ago was that if she was not willing fully to try again right now, then we should no longer be in contact. I actually felt great relief after that call. No more stringing me along with a glimmer of hope. I had finally taken control of my life back and I'm in a very healthy relationship now.

 

 

Thanks a lot for your posts in here. I've decided that I will definitely be ignoring her next call or text or email. It will be really out of the blue to her, as up until now I've been replying, but I think if she gives it a minute she'll be able to connect the dots. I just don't think I have it in me to give her the ultimatum again. Besides, I've said it so much before it's probably lost all meaning. Time to put my words into action.