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It feels like my soul has been ripped apart


Breaks and Breaking Up It happens to most everyone at some point in life! Share your experiences!

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Old 4th November 2017, 8:03 AM   #31
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Accidentaly met his boss at a company house warming party

This morning/ early afternoon is hard. It's 13 o clock and I feel really restless and have quite a lot of anxiety. I had dreams about us reconsiling around new years again. That we would accidentaly meet and realises we belong togheter. So in the dream we held hands while walking and we both stumbled in a puddle, laughing and just being happy. So when I woke up I felt really lonely and ofc I haven't thought about anyhthing else than him. The urge of texting him really really awful, I'm trying to stay strong to not give in by thinking of the harsh words he told me during the break up.

Yesterday I went out for a company housewarming, a new company opened in the city and invited other developers to join in for a small evening celebration. I knew my ex wouldn't show up so I thought it was safe to go (reason I know that is becasue when we still were togheter he didn't receive an invite), also a good distraction. I did enjoy myself, I met some old collegues of mine and class mates from uni time, what I didn't think of was the possibility for some of my ex's co-workers, especially his boss, to show up. I avoided him as much as possible and he avoided me (I could tell as our eyes met once and we just nodded) But everyone knows everyone somehow so when their group passed by the one I stood with, ofc they started greeting each others and introducing us to one another. When they introduced me to the ex's boss group he just said "yeah I already know her, she's a friend of a friend of mine". Ouch that hurt so bad, it stung in my heart hearing that. My ex had introduced me to his boss as his girlfriends on one occasion before. And his boss had told me how my ex had been talking about me a lot and it was nice to finally meet. Hearing him say friend of a friend really hurt. I guess my ex most have told his boss that he broke up with me or whatever his story might have been. My friends and collegues continued the party later on out in the night life, I just went home. Feeling miserable and sad. I sat on skype until 3 in the morning, with some friends living aborad. Listening to them playing games, just to not be alone with my own thoughts.

It's Saturday today, my plan was to get some work done on my talk, but I'm not sure how that wil happen with my mood being so low and my thoughts filled with him... NC is really hard on days like this
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Old 4th November 2017, 8:35 AM   #32
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I know exactly how you feel. I miss my ex so much. Yesterday was his birthday so I messaged him and he did reply but is totally uninterested. I don't understand how he's moved on so quickly when my heart is still breaking
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Old 4th November 2017, 9:29 AM   #33
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I know exactly how you feel. I miss my ex so much. Yesterday was his birthday so I messaged him and he did reply but is totally uninterested. I don't understand how he's moved on so quickly when my heart is still breaking
I'm sorry to hear that! I saw that you wrote in another thread that you guys been togheter for 11 years. I just can't imagine how someone can move on so quickly after such a long time. I guess he perhaps checked out a long time ago.

It's unfair! Why do we have to feel so heartbroken and barely functioning as human beings, while they just can take all their emotions and put it in a bag and throw away. I wish I could do that as well, but I can't....
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Old 4th November 2017, 1:13 PM   #34
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I hate this day, it feels like I'm back on day one again. I'm crying, it feels like i'm about to throw up. I'm panicing, my heart rate is beyond normal, it hurts in my chest. I just want to see him...I miss him so much
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Old 5th November 2017, 4:35 PM   #35
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Here I am today again, it feels like this has become part of my regular day, I spend some hours everyday reading and posting things. It feels like it's one of the few things that help me though my days.

It's soon been 3 weeks (on tuesday!) since the break up, I must say that this weekend has almost felt worse than the days after the break up. At least when it comes to anxiety and missing him. I was so close to send him a text message, but I wrote it in one of the threads here instead. I think the reason why this weekend has been so horrible is becasue I met his boss during thursday. Since thursday I have enclosed myself in my room in my parents house. (They were also away on a trip so been quite lonely.) But I realised that the words my ex's boss said "a friend of a friend of mine" hit me really hard.

I'm struggling overcoming the fact that it's completely over. I just can't imagine that it's not us anymore. And when his boss said that, it really felt like a stab in the heart again. Like a wave of reality hit me. I still fantasize, between the crying and panic attacks, that he will contact me soon. Making up fake scenarios of how we would meet and when, before I even realise it myself and can't stop the dreamy moments.

I can't belive it's been nearly 3 weeks and I'm just not doing better. It feels like a enternity of hell has past...

I have made a small progress with my talk/lecture yesterday night (yes I finally made myself do something productive after sobbing and being depressed the whole day), the presentation day is closing in and the day for me to move to the new place for myself as well. I'm realy scared of moving and living on my own, never done that.
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Old 6th November 2017, 7:50 PM   #36
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Evening/night again. Tomorrow it's 3 weeks down the road with NC and since the seperation. I started going to gym classes, they have several diffrent ones in the gym everyday. I can't go to the gym and do my own work out rotine so I find this quite helpful, also very exhasuting. So I have been there now 2 days in a row and one rest day before the previous one.

I can't say I feel that great after the work out, I feel quite down, as I written previousy, we worked out togheter. So excersising is highly associated with my ex. I feel that I get more depressed by everyday that pass and the anxiety is almost out of control.

How do you handle anxiety? I try to do breathing excersies or call a friend. But's its present non-stop throughout the whole day and the feeling of it increases everyday. It feels worse in the evenings. I just don't know what to do soon.

I have kept NC, but the struggle. It feels like it makes me go mental! Never had this long time inbewteen we talked or texted. And being used to live with someone for such as long time, then just getting torn off in every direction... 3 weeks tomorrow and nothing feels better, it's actually worse than before.
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Old 6th November 2017, 9:00 PM   #37
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Hey OP,

Maybe scrap the workouts and take up a sport. Something completely out of the usual for you to shake up your life and your routine. This way, you get your physical activity without being reminded of him.

But going back to NC. It's not meant to be easy at all. Everyday will be hard for a long time. Especially in the beginning. And I wish I could say otherwise but the truth is it will get worse before it gets better but it will get better. You're doing well. Waking up every morning to face a new day takes a tremendous amount of strength. Give yourself the credit. You're tough. Take it one day at a time and let that pain in. You have to feel it and deal with it to overcome it and move passed it.

Stay strong
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Last edited by Beachead; 6th November 2017 at 10:23 PM..
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Old 9th November 2017, 3:36 PM   #38
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A lot have happen today. I need to write it down and just get a bit of venting and in general just share my experiences today.

So first of all I had my talk/lecture this morning. I barely slept this night, being nervous and thought I would oversleep. So every hour I woke up with diffrent nightmares and sweating. I got late to the avenue but still just in time to set up computer and such. The talk started 9 am and I was so nervous that I would screw up or forget my notes etc. But to my suprise (yes I suprised myself) I didn't even need the notes, I just went through the whole presentation and after 40 min it was over. People seems interested and had a lot of questions. I made it through and I got plenty of awsome feedback. Overall a success in this bad times.

I had the day off and so did a newfound friend of mine. We probably wouldn't have started talking unless it was becasue of the break up. She helped organise the avenue for the talk and she supported me though the whole thing as she could relate to my story of a hard break up. She ended up helping me with my move, we loaded my parents small car with some boxes and bags. The only thing that didn't fit was a desk chair and a moving box that my parents will deliver next week. So I'm in my new place writing this.

I have mixed feelings, I feel lonley, sad and terrified of spending the night here. I guess it will take some time to get use to, to live by youself, completley alone. I'm not sure how people handle the lonliness, or perhaps it's just me who feel this way? I never lived by myself, so it's a complete new experience. A lot of things has happen lately, break up and moving in with parents for 3 weeks, to move out and live by myself in a stranger's apartment I'm renting for 6 months. Suddenly being single, which I haven't been for like almost 10 years now. All my relationships has kinda overlap and hasn't been more than 2 month inbetween sometimes. The relationships has kind died by themselves a couple of months before actual break up. The break ups has always been mutual and not like this. Being heartbroken is also a new experince, not a wanted one that's for sure.

Another thing happen today, I decided that I would buy a rose and leave it at my old place, curently my ex. And before you scream stalker warning. No, I'm not a stalker, I used to live there. Today was supposed to me our 3rd anniversary, if it would have went well. It was meant to be a special day, and it has been for me at least. I decided I wanted to do something for myself, not for him but for myself. I bought a single rose, went to his place around 16, to make sure he wouldn't be home. To my suprise I heard voice when walking in the corridor that came from his apartment. It was him and a colleuge, a good friend of him working at hr in his company. I thought it was odd, I assumed he wasn't at work for th whole day then as he usually quit at 18.30. He sometimes just would call in sick becasue he didn't feel like working or something similar. I overheard a small part of the conversation, in the corridor. I heard my ex talking about his backpacker's backpack. How sturdy and strong it is and he would need it to carry his stationary computer. his colleuge would agree and my ex continued saying that it the place would be small, but he didnt mind and he would fit everything he needed in the backpack. As I didn't want to prey I left the rose at the front door and just walked away. I really wanted to know what was going on, but decided that it's none of my buisness and then left.

Ofc my mind started going like nuts. I knew that I probably referred moving abroad. He had been working in india through his company previously just for a week. But the sound of it made it sound like he is actually moving over there rather than being a buisness trip, as they would provide him with stuff like that if he spend a week there. It might be that he will move apartment somewhere near in the same city, just to lower the rent or somthing. But I doubt you need your backpack and stationary computer only for that, he have tons of stuff in the apartment that needs to be moved. The thing that stings, is that I wanted to go abroad with him. We had talked about moving aborad again as soon as he would feel that he was done. However, the last couple of months when he started to change he would also start saying that he didn't want to move abroad anymore from this current city and that he loves his job. I guess that was just a lie, probably told just to not move with me. Like everything else in the end of our relationship, lies and keeping secrets. Now I know this is just a speculation from my side. I might have missunderstood something as I only heard a small fraction while walking in the corridor.

I started feeling regret at first, but now I'm actually quite content with leaving the rose there. I didn't leave any message or that it was from me. It only had his name on it in case a neighbour would walk by.
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Old 9th November 2017, 5:27 PM   #39
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Hey OP,

I'm glad things with your speech went well. Good for you for powering through the pain and getting through it successfully. That is a personal win.

As for the other matter. I don't think it's a good idea to be going over to his place and giving him a rose. This is just your heart trying to trick you into doing something that you feel may bring connection with him again because of the pain you are feeling from being apart from him whether you think so or not. Remember that love is a drug and once we have broken up with someone, we're like a drug addict on withdrawal. We'll do anything to find a way back to that drug so that we can get our fix. Even if it means deceiving ourselves.

Having said that, you are your own person so if you feel giving the rose will help you in some way shape or form and truly believe it'll be best for you, then do it but be prepared for hurt and more material that will trigger your anxiety.
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Last edited by Beachead; 9th November 2017 at 5:35 PM..
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Old 12th November 2017, 5:58 AM   #40
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Hey OP,

I'm glad things with your speech went well. Good for you for powering through the pain and getting through it successfully. That is a personal win.

As for the other matter. I don't think it's a good idea to be going over to his place and giving him a rose. This is just your heart trying to trick you into doing something that you feel may bring connection with him again because of the pain you are feeling from being apart from him whether you think so or not. Remember that love is a drug and once we have broken up with someone, we're like a drug addict on withdrawal. We'll do anything to find a way back to that drug so that we can get our fix. Even if it means deceiving ourselves.

Having said that, you are your own person so if you feel giving the rose will help you in some way shape or form and truly believe it'll be best for you, then do it but be prepared for hurt and more material that will trigger your anxiety.
I think it was some kind of closure for me. I pondered a lot that night about it. He didn't reach out, as expected, and I don't feel regret over my gesture and haven't been sad about it at all. Which i found odd, perhaps it's some kind of acceptance? I'm not sure

Today
is Sunday, I have stopped counting the days, I still know it's going to be 4 weeks on tuseday. Weeks I will porbably keep on counting as it's not that easy to forget. This is the 3rd day in the new apartment, I have slept here two nights alone. It is very lonley, and yesterday (saturday) I stayed home all day. I kinda panic so I called some friends that I sat on skype with for almost 8 hours (a vert long time I know...) I also cooked my own meal yesterday and it felt wierd. My whole life feels upside down! Everything is completely new and scary. I'm dealing with a lot of emotions at the same time.

I had a small housewarming during friday, a spontanoues one with just some random mates that I don't know too well. It feels like I have been in more contact with friends and also perhaps started some new friendships. I have always felt that I don't have that many friends and usually I can count them on one hand. But since the break up I have realised that I do have more friends than I thought and even people I rarely spoke to have started texting me to see how I'm coping. It feels a bit odd but in a good way. I have always been a bit reserved when it comes to people and tend to not let them get too 'close'. With that said, i'm not unsoical an unfriendly I just generally only meet and speak with my closest friends.

I still have hope now and then and my brain goes on a spree with day dream of us getting back togheter in all wierd possible ways. Sometimes my brain even make up plans on how I will make sure to get us back togheter. I'm going to write down a list later and post here with things I didn't like in my relationship so I can read it and make my brain stop. Today I woke up very confused, I had a dream that we met and we started kissing and suddenly we were back togheter. When i woke up, I felt happy that we were togheter again and that kiss felt so real. after a few moments my heart sank in the chest and I realised I'm by myself in this a new rental apartment that I will only have for 6 months. These roller coster emotions are the worst.
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Old 12th November 2017, 8:44 AM   #41
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Hi OP. Just read this thread. Like others have said, this is all so completely normal. It's taken me what feels like forever to get someone out of my system. Sometimes it happens gradually - sometimes it can happen suddenly (for me, that occurred once when I became infatuated with someone else).

It sucks. It's a process. You'll do smart things and dumb things.

NC helps you so keep it up. Don't repeat going back to his house.

Good for you for getting through the lecture, for getting a new apt, and for arranging a housewarming. All of those things will help you put emotional distance between you and this relationship.

It's going to be a month. Soon it will be two, then three, then six. It will get better.

Good luck!
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Old 14th November 2017, 6:34 PM   #42
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It's going to be a month. Soon it will be two, then three, then six. It will get better.

Good luck!
Thank you! I hope that it really will just gradually get better.

So to add to my diary,A month has passed today! I can't belive I survived a month. I didn't think I would, seeing how miserable I was the first 2 weeks when time passed so slow that it felt (still does) like months passed in a single day. I still feels like s***, and the urge of contacting him spurs up a couple of times a day. The crying is less (thankfully), but the empty black hole filling me on the inside just grow larger. I have lost 3 kg due to loss in apetite and after a few spoons I don't feel like continuing eating. Trying my best to manage some food intake, avoiding everything with sugar and unhealty things, don't think that would do me any good.

I feel really lonley and empty even though I keep myself so occupied with extra work, hanging out with friends on skype or meeting up, that I barley have time to breath inbetween. Everything I do feel pointless without him and I just want to see him and know what he is up to. I want to tell him my stories, the process I'm making in my career and the new opportunities I have in front of me. I want to hear about his days, how work was and just sit down for dinner togheter, watch a movie and just cuddle. Do you miss me? are you feeling lonley without me as well? Ofc not, otherwise I wouldn't be in this situation.

I still hoping (yes stupid of me, just get a grip of youself) that he will change his mind and that today is the day he contact me! That's how it is everyday... Inbewteen I have a short period of less than a minute were I feel like, yes I can manage on my own and I will show him that I don't need him. Though as soon as I have that thought it stings in my heart and I miss him once again.

It's very different living alone, without company. No room-mates, family or partner. I sit on skype every evening just chatting and working or looking at friends play. It feels like a habit that will be bad in the long run, but atm I need it or I will give in to the urge and contact him.

Still going to pat myself on the back for surviving a month.
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Old 14th November 2017, 10:38 PM   #43
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I like how you write. I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. One thing I will say, though, I think it was a very bad choice to go to his place and listen to him talking and leave that rose. Don't do that again, for a number of reasons. Good luck to you.
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Old 15th November 2017, 7:52 PM   #44
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Going on a spontaneous trip

So I decided that I need a change of environment, the new apartment does count as one but I felt I really needed to see something new. So I leaving the country for 4 days on a trip to visit a friend. Taking the plane tomorrow and return on Sunday. I also booked another trip for next weekend to meet up another friend who lives abroad for 4 days. I figuerd it's better to create new memories with friends than sitting home and being miserable. I travelled a lot with my ex, we both love traveling and exploring. Especially backpacking. Seeing as almost all trips were with him the past few years and I think back on those moments with a heavy heart, it's time to collect some new adventures to look back on. It's probably going to be bit sad, seeing as I will miss sharing this experience with my ex, but I will make the best of it and see it as a new opportunity to try to covince myself I'm better off without him. Wish me luck!
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