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It feels like my soul has been ripped apart


Breaks and Breaking Up It happens to most everyone at some point in life! Share your experiences!

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Old 27th October 2017, 10:34 AM   #16
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You're being very hard on yourself. The emotions that you feel when a relationship ends is akin to the grief one feels when experiencing the death of a loved one. You are going through depression along with the hurt, disappointment and pain from this ending. That's a heavy burden.

This is the time you are gentle, kind and patient with yourself. There are no expectations as to how you should react or behave because you are still raw and grieving.

Don't dismiss your emotions but embrace and process them. The more you question and resist them, the longer you keep yourself in turmoil. It's normal that you can't find joy in your accomplishments. It's normal that you can't see anything but the devastation from your ending. All normal. It's going to take time and what you do with that time to slowly begin to see that light at the end of the tunnel.

As for finding your motivation to work. I say small baby steps. Maybe go for a walk. Get your favorite cup of coffee. Sit at a park bench. Get some fresh air. Take in your surroundings. Open your laptop. Tell yourself that you will spend 10 minutes writing. Start somewhere. I used to find that being outside in nature when I was in pain always helped me feel better and optimistic about life/future.

Allocate your time to grieve. I'll give myself an hour/30 minutes to stew, wallow and cry. After that I will do XYZ. Write a to do list. Once you have allowed yourself that hour, you force yourself to accomplish every thing on that list. Repeat that everyday. This pushes you to begin a routine.

Also, start exercising. It releases endorphins and helps you feel better mentally, emotionally and physically. It really helped me when I was struggling.
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Old 28th October 2017, 12:54 PM   #17
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Originally Posted by Zahara View Post
You're being very hard on yourself. The emotions that you feel when a relationship ends is akin to the grief one feels when experiencing the death of a loved one. You are going through depression along with the hurt, disappointment and pain from this ending. That's a heavy burden.

This is the time you are gentle, kind and patient with yourself. There are no expectations as to how you should react or behave because you are still raw and grieving.

Don't dismiss your emotions but embrace and process them. The more you question and resist them, the longer you keep yourself in turmoil. It's normal that you can't find joy in your accomplishments. It's normal that you can't see anything but the devastation from your ending. All normal. It's going to take time and what you do with that time to slowly begin to see that light at the end of the tunnel.

As for finding your motivation to work. I say small baby steps. Maybe go for a walk. Get your favorite cup of coffee. Sit at a park bench. Get some fresh air. Take in your surroundings. Open your laptop. Tell yourself that you will spend 10 minutes writing. Start somewhere. I used to find that being outside in nature when I was in pain always helped me feel better and optimistic about life/future.

Allocate your time to grieve. I'll give myself an hour/30 minutes to stew, wallow and cry. After that I will do XYZ. Write a to do list. Once you have allowed yourself that hour, you force yourself to accomplish every thing on that list. Repeat that everyday. This pushes you to begin a routine.

Also, start exercising. It releases endorphins and helps you feel better mentally, emotionally and physically. It really helped me when I was struggling.
Thank you for your reply! And thanks to everyone who is replying! It helpes a lot getting all of these advices or just small pepp talks. I log in everyday and read the messages over and over again.

I will try harder to get going with exercises. It hard for me to force myself to the gym as it's something that constantly reminds me of him since we did exercise a lot togheter in the beginning. So I only went a few times since the break up (3 times I think) as it don't really give me that much more than sadness.

I have a small to-do-list everyday now. I try to complete it, usually the gym parts is the one that get left out. The list still contains small tasks such as eating but I easily neglect it otherwise. I have written down to at least work 10 min a day on the lecture. It's not near enough of what I need to do in order to finish it but my hope is that it will at least get me started.

Today is also a very hard day for me. It's Halloween. Just a regular Holiday for many, but for me this is a memorable day. I did face painting on him during our first halloween in the company we both worked for. We had just started to develop feeling for one and another. I was going to be alone in the office, spooking myself out and he showed up in a silly orange shirt during halloween. It was a friday at the office. He told me to make him into a pumpkin, so I did. I was so nervous the whole time, didn't wanna make a misstake and make it ugly. Also you are quite close to each others when you do facepaint.

We have a very funny picture of this togheter and without even looking at it I can recall it excatly in my memory. I don't feel like doing anything this halloween, I'm quite sure he is out enjoying himself with his buddys. Not that it should matter or concern me. But I can't help but wonder if he is thinking back on that halloween like me or not.
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Old 30th October 2017, 4:05 PM   #18
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So I'm feeling really ****ty in general. Im really sad and have anxiety everyday. feels like it grows stronger and stronger everyday. My mind is playing with me as well. I feel like I'm still in denial. My brain creates scenarios of how he contacts me and get get togheter again or that we meet by accident somwhere in couple of month and realise we both still want each other. I don't get why i day dream of it or why I still can't fully realise that it's indeed over.

I also messaged with his sister today, we have some unfinnished buissness regarding her bike. I was suppose to help out with her bike lock. I messaged her today that couldn't help her since her brother broke up with me and that they probably already spoken about it. She replied, not saying that much more than that they spoken quite a lot (ofc expected) and that she would try to solve the bike lock issue themsleve. She also wrote that if I needed anyone to speak to she was there to listen but understood if I rather not. We have spoken on occassions, we are not close but she opened up to me once about not sure if she should follow her diseres or just continue focusing on her career her. She is now doing what makes her happy.

The text made me feel quite down, and ofc my brain starts to analyse the whole thing. What have they spoken about? Has he been throwing hate words at me or does he miss me? Is he sad or does he just want comfort? What has she told him, that we are better off without each others? Arghh! But! I stayed strong and did not ask. I replied shortly that I have anxiety and can't eat probaerly. That I miss him a lot and also still loves him even regarding everything that has happen the past few months. It was just two short scentences. Ofc she didn't reply to it, I only saw that she recevied the message. I feel stressed as **** and my heart rate is sky rocketing. I feel sad, cried when I typed it to her. I don't expect any outcome from this at all from neither him or her. I still feel that I did good in not preying into how he felt or was doing. I have a feeling she wouldn't really give me much of an answer to that anyway.
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Old 30th October 2017, 4:29 PM   #19
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The important thing here is to know that everything you are feeling is normal. The pain, the anger, the regret..whatever it is, it's all normal.

You still think and fantasize over the relationship because it meant a lot to you. Breakups are not easilly forgotten. Sometimes, they can feel far worse than a loved one dying because you're mourning the death of someone who's still alive. You know what I mean? It may take several months just to accept that things are over and may take over a year to heal. Let that pain flow through you and shape you and in time you'll discover yourself again. Do not rush it. Don't run from it. Don't bury it. The only way is to face it.

What you're going through right now is facing it.

Also do yourself a favor, and try not to contact his family. His sister will naturally be loyal to him and not to you so you will get a biased and unfullfilling perspective from her. Let your own people help you. It's important you sever your ties from him. You are going through one of the hardest challenges a human being can face. Make it easy on yourself.

Last edited by Beachead; 30th October 2017 at 4:32 PM..
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Old 31st October 2017, 3:23 AM   #20
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Originally Posted by Beachead View Post
The important thing here is to know that everything you are feeling is normal. The pain, the anger, the regret..whatever it is, it's all normal.

You still think and fantasize over the relationship because it meant a lot to you. Breakups are not easilly forgotten. Sometimes, they can feel far worse than a loved one dying because you're mourning the death of someone who's still alive. You know what I mean? It may take several months just to accept that things are over and may take over a year to heal. Let that pain flow through you and shape you and in time you'll discover yourself again. Do not rush it. Don't run from it. Don't bury it. The only way is to face it.

What you're going through right now is facing it.

Also do yourself a favor, and try not to contact his family. His sister will naturally be loyal to him and not to you so you will get a biased and unfullfilling perspective from her. Let your own people help you. It's important you sever your ties from him. You are going through one of the hardest challenges a human being can face. Make it easy on yourself.
I have never had a love one die yet (I'm so thankfull for this!) so I can't compare to it. I have heard it before though that the grief and pain is similar. Unlike from a dead person the one who broke up with you is a live and you have no idea what they are up to, what they think about, if they will or will not contact you. A dead person is dead, you won't have the other things to think of or actions to worry about. So I can imagine it being similar but not the exact same.

I won't contact er again, we settled the bike issue. Or well I told her I coudn't help and she understood. I spoke to my mom briefly about this yesterday, she thought that my ex can't have an easy time either. I was quite sure he wouldn't feel anything so I'm still sceptical about it, but the text from his sister, that they have been talking about it a lot must indicate that he think about it in some way or another.

Living at my parent's place again (even tho my age!) has some benefits. I can get some advice everyday. My mom said that he probably didn't expect me to move out the day after so suddenly when he had 'fled' the day before. Most likely not, I started to wonder if I should have stayed. But then again, he broke up with me and said those horrible things about being unhappy and not loving me for months.

I have a mixture of feeling of regret, maybe we could have worked on it, maybe I should have just stayed, but seeing how the last couple of weeks was and his unfriendly attitude and smoking. I wasn't happy, I was sad everyday, so it would have been the same. (this is me trying to reason with myself and so I don't give into my urge to contact him and make it work again). I think his sister also feed him with ideas and reasons that might not be completely true. What hey, what should it matter to me? Well it shouldn't as everyone says, but I can't help it. I don't feel more sad because of it, I do have a lot more questions since me and his sister spoke. But also It feels like he is not getting out from it completely emotionless/undisturbed, I'm perhaps not the only one suffering at least. Don't get me wrong, I don't wish anything bad upon him, but it would be nice if he feels some remorse from the whole thing.
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Old 31st October 2017, 3:23 PM   #21
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just venting....

Venting....
Today is exactly 14 days. The struggle is real. The anxiety is not better, it actually feel slightly worse. As I wrote eariler my brain continues make up false happy scenarios everyday of how we get back togheter. I went to the gym today, took a gym class for some core buildup. I thought that I would try taking some of the classes as I have struggle getting myself motivate with my own gym program. Excersising dosen't really give me any dopamine boost as I accosiate it quite alot with him. I haven't got anything done on my lecture preparations and the doom day is closing in. Need to pull myself togheter or this will end bad.

My mind has been filled with thoughts about things that happened the last two month before he broke up. As explained earlier he grew more distant and angry evryday and could get pissed of or just ignore me for whatever reasons.

But occationally he could be sweet and one moment in particular has been haunting me today. Like we live quite cramped so we have been looking into trying to rent something bigger. He found a place that was really good and seem very happy on how we would live there, talked a lot about it. Unfortunately the lanlord couldn't rent it out all of a sudden so nothing came from it. It's just that this was 2 weeks prior to break up. And this keeps bugging me, if he emotinally checked out months ago as he said when he broke up "I'm stopped loving you months ago" why even go though the effort to try finding us a bigger place. The place he have is already quite big for one person so I don't think he wanted to upgrade himself (he wouldn't be able to afford the rent alone anyway).

I have also been resisting myself on going to his place after work. It's just a few stations away...
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Old 31st October 2017, 3:35 PM   #22
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V And this keeps bugging me, if he emotinally checked out months ago as he said when he broke up "I'm stopped loving you months ago" why even go though the effort to try finding us a bigger place. The place he have is already quite big for one person so I don't think he wanted to upgrade himself (he wouldn't be able to afford the rent alone anyway).
An ex of mine was cheating on me and yet purchased a bigger home close to me with the intention that I would move in with him at some point.

Trying to make sense of what seems senseless is a wasted and futile effort.

The one most important fact, one that should outweigh everything and cease the analyzing right away would be that he broke up with you 3 times. That in itself was a very clear indicator as to his value and emotional investment in the relationship/you.

All the rest is truly irrelevant. When you start to nit pick, focus on that one factor.

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I have also been resisting myself on going to his place after work. It's just a few stations away...
Don't do it. Accept that he has ended it. Accept that there were signs that this was never going to materialize into a healthy and long term relationship. Going to his work will only cause you more pain -- it's not going to change anything.
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Old 31st October 2017, 4:09 PM   #23
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Venting....
Today is exactly 14 days. The struggle is real. The anxiety is not better, it actually feel slightly worse. As I wrote eariler my brain continues make up false happy scenarios everyday of how we get back togheter. I went to the gym today, took a gym class for some core buildup. I thought that I would try taking some of the classes as I have struggle getting myself motivate with my own gym program. Excersising dosen't really give me any dopamine boost as I accosiate it quite alot with him. I haven't got anything done on my lecture preparations and the doom day is closing in. Need to pull myself togheter or this will end bad.

My mind has been filled with thoughts about things that happened the last two month before he broke up. As explained earlier he grew more distant and angry evryday and could get pissed of or just ignore me for whatever reasons.

But occationally he could be sweet and one moment in particular has been haunting me today. Like we live quite cramped so we have been looking into trying to rent something bigger. He found a place that was really good and seem very happy on how we would live there, talked a lot about it. Unfortunately the lanlord couldn't rent it out all of a sudden so nothing came from it. It's just that this was 2 weeks prior to break up. And this keeps bugging me, if he emotinally checked out months ago as he said when he broke up "I'm stopped loving you months ago" why even go though the effort to try finding us a bigger place. The place he have is already quite big for one person so I don't think he wanted to upgrade himself (he wouldn't be able to afford the rent alone anyway).

I have also been resisting myself on going to his place after work. It's just a few stations away...
You gave it your all. Your time, love, energy, money and whatever else you gave. Your best sides. Despite that, this guy laid everything you had to give out on a table and decided.."I can do better." Decided you weren't worth fighting for or keeping. Now I don't know about you but that pisses me off. It's insulting. I think about that everytime I get weak and miss my ex. Why should we cry over and fight for these people who gave up on us OP? Give your love to the people who love you back. Choose the people who choose you.

Last edited by Beachead; 31st October 2017 at 4:16 PM..
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Old 31st October 2017, 6:58 PM   #24
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An ex of mine was cheating on me and yet purchased a bigger home close to me with the intention that I would move in with him at some point.

Trying to make sense of what seems senseless is a wasted and futile effort.

The one most important fact, one that should outweigh everything and cease the analyzing right away would be that he broke up with you 3 times. That in itself was a very clear indicator as to his value and emotional investment in the relationship/you.

All the rest is truly irrelevant. When you start to nit pick, focus on that one factor.
Thanks for your answer, it did bring me some metal quitness/relief, thinking about what happen in your situation with your ex. Also your ex seems like a complete douchebag, sorry! (which my ex most look to a lot of people...why can't i just feel that as well.)

I guess it is a wasted effort to try figure out why he would want a bigger apartment for us and then do a complete 180. I can't help it though, it's hard to redirect thoughts once you get in the loop of analysing things. I'm already quite exhausted from these days that has passed, both mentally and physically. But I guess that, as in your case with your ex, that it doesn't make sense, they probably don't know what thet are doing themselves. So even if I could somehow have asked him, I wouldn't get that much of an answer.


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You gave it your all. Your time, love, energy, money and whatever else you gave. Your best sides. Despite that, this guy laid everything you had to give out on a table and decided.."I can do better." Decided you weren't worth fighting for or keeping. Now I don't know about you but that pisses me off. It's insulting. I think about that everytime I get weak and miss my ex. Why should we cry over and fight for these people who gave up on us OP? Give your love to the people who love you back. Choose the people who choose you.
You are so right! I want to feel anger and be able to think the same way. Why should I look back at someone who dosen't want me and threw me away? I did so much for him. I went up everyday to made him breakfast so he could sleep in. I gave him flower and small presents and leave them at his desk at home as a suprise. I wrote sticky notes and left them in akward places, such as the inside the toilet ring, to cheer him up. I would cancel hanging out with friends, becasue I felt sad when he started ignoring me and though it would be better to stay home so he didn't get upset. I agreed on taking another job offer at another company than the one I initially thought about, becasue he was in need of a job more than me. He asked me to turn down the offer as he said it might damage our relationship being in the same company. I was so madly I love with him but I would still receive nothing. And I'm not lying when I say that he never gave or did a single thing for me the last year since the previous break up.

He never went up earlier to make me breakfast, he stopped doing househould chores and cook dinner (we used to take turn). He started smoking in secrecy, he continued even once I found out and did it in front of me at home, he stoped asking me about my day, or hug me or say good night. When I tried to ask for a hug he would sigh and give me a short one or make sner comments that I would be overly affectionate. He broke up with me last year same time, he broke it with me during spring, all tho just for 2-4 days. This time he broke up with me and I moved out the day after.

Despite all that! My effort and his effortless behaviour, I just can't hate him nor have negative thoughts. It just makes me sad and I ask myself if I could have done more to make him love me and not neglect me. What did I do wrong...

I just feel sad, abonded, lonley and hopeless. I hope these feelings turn to anger at somepoint... it should piss me off. Why does it not make me feel anger...
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Old 31st October 2017, 8:05 PM   #25
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I am sorry you are feeling so hurt. It is not surprising. Your boyfriend has been fairly consistent in not really showing you he loves you. I know it hurts to break up but the pain does ease after a while, especially if you accept that it's over. If you keep hoping he'll come back, you will only keep yourself in a suspended state indefinitely and it is likely he will treat you the same and leave again. You deserve so much better. You sound a very loving lady who wants the proper commitment that you deserve. Please don't throw yourself back into this uncertain situation again.

Once you have cried over this, you need to find ways to boost yourself. Spend time with people who love you - this really is the best thing. Do things you like doing that he didn't like. You can do now because you are free. Freedom means the possibility of meeting someone new and exciting, someone who does not take you for granted. You have so much potential and yet because one guy does not see that, you are limiting yourself.

It's very likely that as you recover and start to live a life of freedom and promise, he will come back and want to try again. Whatever you do, do not view that as an opportunity, send him packing! He is realising what he is missing - yes - but you do not need to be back in that miserable half-loved world. You are better being free to find the love and respect you deserve.
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Old 1st November 2017, 12:29 AM   #26
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Thanks for your answer, it did bring me some metal quitness/relief, thinking about what happen in your situation with your ex. Also your ex seems like a complete douchebag, sorry! (which my ex most look to a lot of people...why can't i just feel that as well.)

I guess it is a wasted effort to try figure out why he would want a bigger apartment for us and then do a complete 180. I can't help it though, it's hard to redirect thoughts once you get in the loop of analysing things. I'm already quite exhausted from these days that has passed, both mentally and physically. But I guess that, as in your case with your ex, that it doesn't make sense, they probably don't know what thet are doing themselves. So even if I could somehow have asked him, I wouldn't get that much of an answer.




You are so right! I want to feel anger and be able to think the same way. Why should I look back at someone who dosen't want me and threw me away? I did so much for him. I went up everyday to made him breakfast so he could sleep in. I gave him flower and small presents and leave them at his desk at home as a suprise. I wrote sticky notes and left them in akward places, such as the inside the toilet ring, to cheer him up. I would cancel hanging out with friends, becasue I felt sad when he started ignoring me and though it would be better to stay home so he didn't get upset. I agreed on taking another job offer at another company than the one I initially thought about, becasue he was in need of a job more than me. He asked me to turn down the offer as he said it might damage our relationship being in the same company. I was so madly I love with him but I would still receive nothing. And I'm not lying when I say that he never gave or did a single thing for me the last year since the previous break up.

He never went up earlier to make me breakfast, he stopped doing househould chores and cook dinner (we used to take turn). He started smoking in secrecy, he continued even once I found out and did it in front of me at home, he stoped asking me about my day, or hug me or say good night. When I tried to ask for a hug he would sigh and give me a short one or make sner comments that I would be overly affectionate. He broke up with me last year same time, he broke it with me during spring, all tho just for 2-4 days. This time he broke up with me and I moved out the day after.

Despite all that! My effort and his effortless behaviour, I just can't hate him nor have negative thoughts. It just makes me sad and I ask myself if I could have done more to make him love me and not neglect me. What did I do wrong...

I just feel sad, abonded, lonley and hopeless. I hope these feelings turn to anger at somepoint... it should piss me off. Why does it not make me feel anger...
The anger comes as reality sinks in and hope dies away. I think it's the brains way of helping us overcome this initial pain. It's quite useful because it will motivate you get on with your life.

My ex left me to return to her ex and they've reconciled and are happy now. So I assume atleast being that I have not heard from her since. All the special moments we shared rendered meaningless. The way she looked at me when said she loved me, the way we embraced. The laughs, deep conversations, promises. Meaningless. I had to accept that it was all part of a rebound. She along with others robbed me of the love I had in me and the joy I could have felt experiencing special moments like these with someone who actually cared for me.

My soul feels like it's been ripped apart as well. Everyday is hard.

Last edited by Beachead; 1st November 2017 at 1:02 AM..
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Old 2nd November 2017, 6:02 AM   #27
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I am sorry you are feeling so hurt. It is not surprising. Your boyfriend has been fairly consistent in not really showing you he loves you. I know it hurts to break up but the pain does ease after a while, especially if you accept that it's over. If you keep hoping he'll come back, you will only keep yourself in a suspended state indefinitely and it is likely he will treat you the same and leave again. You deserve so much better. You sound a very loving lady who wants the proper commitment that you deserve. Please don't throw yourself back into this uncertain situation again.

Once you have cried over this, you need to find ways to boost yourself. Spend time with people who love you - this really is the best thing. Do things you like doing that he didn't like. You can do now because you are free. Freedom means the possibility of meeting someone new and exciting, someone who does not take you for granted. You have so much potential and yet because one guy does not see that, you are limiting yourself.

It's very likely that as you recover and start to live a life of freedom and promise, he will come back and want to try again. Whatever you do, do not view that as an opportunity, send him packing! He is realising what he is missing - yes - but you do not need to be back in that miserable half-loved world. You are better being free to find the love and respect you deserve.
Thank you spiderowl! I'm trying to really make myself believe it's over, it makes me even more sad to force the thought on myself. It feels like I immediately just reject the though becasue it's just to painful bear.

I honestly don't think he will contact me ever again. He just is too proud and also the fact he lost interest in me . It's the same when we would have argues, he was never the one to apologise first. But yes, you are right, if he by small chance would contact me or inistate something like that, I will try to remember what everyone at LS has written and reject him. I hope I will be strong enough if that time comes.
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Old 2nd November 2017, 6:14 AM   #28
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The anger comes as reality sinks in and hope dies away. I think it's the brains way of helping us overcome this initial pain. It's quite useful because it will motivate you get on with your life.

My ex left me to return to her ex and they've reconciled and are happy now. So I assume atleast being that I have not heard from her since. All the special moments we shared rendered meaningless. The way she looked at me when said she loved me, the way we embraced. The laughs, deep conversations, promises. Meaningless. I had to accept that it was all part of a rebound. She along with others robbed me of the love I had in me and the joy I could have felt experiencing special moments like these with someone who actually cared for me.

My soul feels like it's been ripped apart as well. Everyday is hard.
I can't wait for that anger to come, I'm quite sick with feeling this miserable!

That must be really hard on you, having the feeling that nothing you shared was meaningful or true. I would like to think that what you experienced togheter wasn't meaningless or wasted time. I guess I have the same feeling , that 3 years of my life with memories with him are was just complete waste and didn't really mean that much for him. But hopefully we both will be able look back at the times we spend with our ex-so, that it was good memories and life experience. I hope so! Otherwise I don't know what to do with myself.. I guess we both need to hang in there even when indeed everyday is hard.
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Old 2nd November 2017, 7:58 AM   #29
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. She along with others robbed me of the love I had in me and the joy I could have felt experiencing special moments like these with someone who actually cared for me.

My soul feels like it's been ripped apart as well. Everyday is hard.


I feel the same. 11 years with my ex. Good years when I could have been with someone who loved me. I'm too old to start again now.

I'm so sick of selfish people. He and his adult daughter. Both **** on me and destroyed my ability to love again. Who does that?????
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Old 3rd November 2017, 7:23 AM   #30
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Day 17

Today it's been 17 days since it all happen. I'm sitting in my parents apartment in my old room. The good news is that it will only be for one more week. I found a rental apartment fully furnitured for 6 months. Bit on the expensive side but I think it will work. It will be my first time living on my own (I know I'm 27!) I have always had a room mate/s or a partner living with me. It's going to be scary, I'm afarid of being alone, I can't handle it very well which is why I always lived with someone else. But I need to learn to handle this sometime and now might be the best time to challenge myself. As everyone says, a break up means that you get time to work on yourself. And this is a goal of mine now, to be able to enjoy being alone with myself and feel content about it. It is going to be hard work and probably really nasty from time to time. And the days it feels horrible being alone I can always crash at my parents place.

I have not made any progress on my lecture/talk unfortunatley, it's hard to get motivation to complete it. This weekend is going to be the last time I can work on it, if I fail I won't be able to give the talk (I can't let that happen!). I'm going to have a friend keeping me company through skype during saturday, he is also going to work so hopefully it will give me some motivation to make some progress.

It's awful how much a break up affects you, I'm so exhausted by everything now that I wonder how I even can make myself stand on my own two feets. I even suffer from memory loss, or have hard time recalling just the simplest things that has happened the past days but also my memory is foggy about everything that has happened in my whole life. Probably caused by the lack of sleep and the nightmares. One good thing tho is that I have started eating regular food, like I can actually manage to get down a small sandwich or some stew instead of just soup and sallad.
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