Lost the love of my life and it's all my fault

[Arteyman]

So my girlfriend of 2 years broke up with me a month and a half ago. We had our difficulties and I'll explain them later but I grew to love her so much. I've been in a deep depression for the time broken up and I've tried contacting her so many times explaining myself just for her to get seriously annoyed. She basically doesn't want anything to do with me and any hope of a future is gone.

 

We started dating in High School. I was a senior on the soccer team and she was a junior on the girls soccer team. She was shy, but absolutely beautiful so i decided to try and talk to her. I came up to her at a Halloween party one night and we had a good conversation, I got her number and we ended up getting pressured into a small tap kiss by my friends who knew of my desire to talk to her. Anyways we talked for a few months before I asked her out. I was so happy with her but she was very shy and wouldn't tell me a lot about her life, she basically didn't open up to me as much as I had wished she had. She had her insecurities that I didn't understand because she was absolutely stunning.

 

We dated for 5 months and everything was going great but I was just never convinced I was in a deep love. I tried convincing myself I was but the deep feeling just wasn't there at the time. We still had some amazing memories and everyday we spent was amazing. We got along so well but I never felt a true connection. Anyways, this is the part where the story goes south. I was at a party and I was extremely drunk and needed a ride home. This one girl was my only way home and she offered to take me home. On the way home she parked the car and started trying to seduce me, anyways i caved in to the pressure and kissed her for a few seconds before stopping myself. I instantly felt extreme regret and the following day I contacted friends asking if i should tell her. I ended up listening to my friends and keeping it from her. She noticed I was in a picture at the party with this girl in the background (who I've gotten with before at a party) and asked me, at this point I denied it. It felt horrible to lie but i couldn't hurt her.

 

A few months later I began to feel love for her but was still unsure of things. Our summer was perfect but I was going to start University soon and i was unsure of things. I was stupid and believed that college should be a time to explore and have fun. I felt as if my experiences were worth more than the relationship (stupid right). But I also couldn't leave her because it wasn't worth throwing away something good. I debated on breaking up with her a lot and I distanced myself from her while at school. She came down once every 2 weeks but I was starting a new life and didn't show her the attention she deserved. Since this was my first relationship i didn't treat her the best, forgot to answer her on nights out sometimes, told her to stop being super clingy, anyways we fought a lot. I now acknowledge this was all my fault, by distancing myself from her she doubted my love for her and felt insecure. But she was right, deep down i wanted to end things and I did after being together for 10 months. When we broke up we both cried but i told her she deserved to be treated better as i was just unsure of things and I didn't want to hurt her.

 

I knew I made a mistake a few days later and felt extreme sadness but i needed independence and space to grow as a person. Anyways 2 weeks later i got arrested at school and called her at 4 am after getting released from the police station. I called her and told her I made a mistake and missed her, the arrest put me in a bad place emotionally and she was the one i could always count on. But I couldn't let her get back together with me without knowing what I did before because it wasn't fair to her. I told her I cheated on her in April and she was really mad. She initially didn't want to get back but choose too anyway thinking she could get over it. We dated again and were so happy together once again. Everything was going great for a while but I still didn't treat her as well as I should've, she became suspicious of everything and i don't blame her. Later on in the relationship we started fighting a lot again and she would always bring up the cheating. We ended up breaking up again mutually around 6 months later because she said she'd never get over the cheating. I wish I could've sat her down and tell her that we could work things out but I continually got aggravated and decided it was better for us to end than stay together like this.

 

The next month was hard for both of us. I still loved her and she still loved me, this break made me realize how real my feelings were for her. I now realized I wouldn't mind spending the rest of my life with her. She reached out to me and I asked her if we could talk again in person about us. She agreed and I thought we were going to get back together. Anyways she had her doubts and was reluctant to get back with me, in the end we agreed to spend the rest of the summer together but break up before she started her university (I know weird, but I was desperate to get another chance, and I also thought at the time I wouldn't mind being single at school for my sophomore year). Our summer started off great, but things started turning as it neared the end. Now I was completely in love rather than her, the tables completely switched. I acted weird a lot since I knew she would end things with me at the end of August. I wanted to keep her as a wife, I never felt like this before. I realized this is what love feels like, but she was also acting differently than before. Less time for me, less sex, but we still had an amazing time regardless. I was at all her family events and they liked me a lot. She said she still loved me so much and at this point i was deep in love. Anyways the end of the summer came and we broke up amicably on good terms, with her crying in my arms, kissing me, and saying how much she loved me but it was something she had to do.

 

After a few days I felt awful. I told her a few secrets I kept from her (not cheating), but after i told her that she said it justified her decision to break up with me. I kept messaging her and asking for her to give me one chance to make her happy. She denied and started to get annoyed by me. I waited 2 weeks and contacted her again only to get rejected again. She began getting mad and saying she doesn't love me like that anymore. I stopped contacting her for another 3 weeks and decided to give it one more try. She got very mad after I sent such long messages to her asking for closure or another chance. We talked on the phone and she said she doesn't love me anymore, I asked if she was seeing another guy and she said yes and told me the details. I broke down and my emotions took over, I was already in a major depression but that escalated it. I told her how i felt that i wouldn't mind ending my life right now (I shouldn't have said this at all) the innocent girl I dated who said she would always love me has moved on so quickly. She suddenly became so cold and heartless towards me. Anyways she said that at first she saw a future with me but after I cheated everything changed. She thought she could get over it but never did. Now she's at University and alone without restriction from her parents she's changed. She said she can't see a future with me at all.

 

I know I screwed up big time. I can only blame it on not loving her from the beginning of our relationship. This is all my fault and it's making me miserable. She thinks I'm some crazy psycho now and there's no chance of ever getting back with her. I ruined my life by not showing her the love I had for her deep down, for cheating and lying. I understand her reasoning because I was honestly a ****ty boyfriend to her at times and i know she deserves better. I wish I could show her how great I could be to her but it's over forever. I feel like i lost my future wife, the course of my life has changed forever. I don't know what to do other than feel extremely depressed at the monster manipulator and liar I was to her. I scarred her by cheating and I feel so bad. She so beautiful and could get any guy she wants. I'm being honest when i tell you she was the best I can do, amazing personality, as well as being the best looking girl in the world. I lost a dime, I lost the best person I'll ever meet because i was selfish, immature, and wasn't ready to be in relationship. I've since completely grown up, this is the lowest point of my life and it was taught me a lot about relationships and the importance of trust and love. I would be a completely different person if she gave me one last chance but i know i don't even deserve one. She loved me so much and I blew it. How do I get over this feeling? I have so much regret and this has triggered my anxiety, I don't know how I could hurt her so badly. If i never cheated things could've been different because I could've been the man she always wanted. She doesn't miss me at all, and doesn't want to be friends for a very long time. This is killing me inside. I can't go a second without thinking about how badly i screwed up. Depression sucks especially when it's all your fault

Edited October 16, 2017 by Arteyman

[JEG88]

The healing process will just take time. And if you truly feel that you have matured, ask yourself at some point in the future if you're really past your relationship with her.

 

Because if you're not and you jump back into dating, that's not fair to any other girl you might date.

 

Also, you have to reconcile the idea that there is more than just one "The One".

 

"The One" is the person you put the effort into, to make things work from the start. No sense in languishing for too long on the past when there are plenty of possibilities for growth and happiness ahead.

[Arteyman]

The healing process will just take time. And if you truly feel that you have matured, ask yourself at some point in the future if you're really past your relationship with her.

 

Because if you're not and you jump back into dating, that's not fair to any other girl you might date.

 

Also, you have to reconcile the idea that there is more than just one "The One".

 

"The One" is the person you put the effort into, to make things work from the start. No sense in languishing for too long on the past when there are plenty of possibilities for growth and happiness ahead.

 

It's hard because she was honestly the best I could do. She was everything I looked for in a girl but I never had the patience to allow her to grow. I feel like such a monster for cheating and lying but i guess the only way forward is to move on. She sees no future with me

[meeji]

It sounds like you have about 4 chances to work things out with this girl.

 

Now, you want her back because you're jealous of the guy she's seeing. Did you think she was going to wait forever for you to get your act together?

 

This is what happens when you take people for granted. Take it as a lesson learned and try not to make the same mistake in the future.

[Unearthed]

This needed to happen man don't beat yourself up too much. You said you never felt a true connection with this girl and even when you started to feel love you still had your doubts. The cheating was a direct result of you feeling that way, it was broken from the start. Your already better than most man by feeling instant regret and telling her about it allowing her to move on. In a way that's the most loving thing you did for her.

 

Now you have a choice to make you can either stay the same and let the demons you created win or destroy them and never let them win again. Make the right choice for yourself and for her.... don't let all the pain you caused be in vain. I am rooting for you.

[Woon]

Well that was quite a long read...

 

Buddy, i dont know how old you are, but trust me on this. Ive been engaged, i was dumped. Felt all those same things you are feeling now, the anxiety, the depression, that feeling of "i made a massive mistake". It sucks right now, i understand. But what you have to realise is that there are no mistakes, only lessons and believe these words from a stranger: It gets better. MUCH BETTER!

 

There is no one single person on this planet meant for us. You, just as i did, will meet and date incredible woman after this. And you will not believe that at one point in your life you thought that this girl was the absolute perfect girl for you.

 

Take your time, do you. But it does get better my friend.

[Highndry]

The best thing to do is to never, ever contact her again, and just try to move on.

 

When a woman is over you and the relationship, contacting her is just doing more damage, as you are experiencing.

 

The unfortunate thing for us guys is that we are wired to chase, and oftentimes will really pursue a woman who is pulling away, a fatal mistake.

 

I am happy that I am strong and have always resisted the urge, because there are countless stories just like yours where any future possibilities were ruined by the smothering and pleading.

 

Good luck, and don't be so hard on yourself. You're human and flawed, like we all are.

[Arteyman]

Well that was quite a long read...

 

Buddy, i dont know how old you are, but trust me on this. Ive been engaged, i was dumped. Felt all those same things you are feeling now, the anxiety, the depression, that feeling of "i made a massive mistake". It sucks right now, i understand. But what you have to realise is that there are no mistakes, only lessons and believe these words from a stranger: It gets better. MUCH BETTER!

 

There is no one single person on this planet meant for us. You, just as i did, will meet and date incredible woman after this. And you will not believe that at one point in your life you thought that this girl was the absolute perfect girl for you.

 

Take your time, do you. But it does get better my friend.

 

I started dating her when I was 17. I didn't value relationships and connections and never felt love before. I've grown and learned from my mistakes, I realized how immature my thoughts were at the time. I guess I was just scared of commitment which sucks because in the end she was the girl I wouldn't mind spending the rest of my life with. She was so accepting, down to earth, nonjudgmental, unique, and absolutely stunning. Well I guess I'll just transfer these lessons into my next relationship if I ever find one like her

[d0nnivain]

She was your first love. That is a special thing. She is NOT your last love.

 

I know you can't see or feel it now, but you have a lot of life to live. You will find somebody new. Hang in there.

[Arteyman]

She was your first love. That is a special thing. She is NOT your last love.

 

I know you can't see or feel it now, but you have a lot of life to live. You will find somebody new. Hang in there.

 

She was everything I looked for in a girl. These kind of girls are rare, doesn't help that she absolutely gorgeous and I guess she realized I don't deserve her. I'm going to take time single before i go back out and actively look for girls, I've lost my personality and Identity this past month and a half, I'm not myself anymore

[d0nnivain]

You are off kilter & you are healing. Taking some time for reflection is a good thing.

[Arteyman]

You are off kilter & you are healing. Taking some time for reflection is a good thing.

 

I want to believe that she will once day give me a chance because I would be the best boyfriend to her. But I know the odds are very slim, kills me inside

,

[PrincessWarrior1]

It's hard because she was honestly the best I could do. She was everything I looked for in a girl but I never had the patience to allow her to grow. I feel like such a monster for cheating and lying but i guess the only way forward is to move on. She sees no future with me

 

I'm glad you feel that way, it shows you have some remorse. I'm coming from a point of emotion right now because that's exactly what my bf did to me and I'm hurt. I just want closure and to not hurt and have some dignity, self-respect, and energy. Do you have idea how much that kind of emotional pain drains you? Well now you probably do.

 

I'm not yelling at you, I'm sorry. I read in here to not feel alone, many of us do. Things will get better in time. T.I.M.E is also THINGS I MUST EARN in recovery from drugs and alcohol etc etc.

 

It's nice to hear a man realize how much he hurt a woman he supposedly loved, now ask why, try to fix it and please never do that again. Some get lucky and they can make it up to the person. But don't get your hopes up.

[Avenue87]

You sound a little like me at the moment.

 

When a woman has changed her mind/lost attraction etc, it is virtually impossible to change it back again. You'll just end up begging and getting clingy, further pushing her away. It's not worth it.

 

Knowing that you messed up is a tough pill to swallow. Knowing that you messed up with a gorgeous rare looking girl who is now seeing someone else is an even tougher pill to swallow. I'm going through that now, I know what it feels like. It's an emotional roller coaster and really hard to deal with.

 

Don't do what I did and check her social media. You'll go straight back into the pain and be back at square one.

[Arteyman]

You sound a little like me at the moment.

 

When a woman has changed her mind/lost attraction etc, it is virtually impossible to change it back again. You'll just end up begging and getting clingy, further pushing her away. It's not worth it.

 

Knowing that you messed up is a tough pill to swallow. Knowing that you messed up with a gorgeous rare looking girl who is now seeing someone else is an even tougher pill to swallow. I'm going through that now, I know what it feels like. It's an emotional roller coaster and really hard to deal with.

 

Don't do what I did and check her social media. You'll go straight back into the pain and be back at square one.

 

I blocked her on everything because I can't stand looking at what I lost. I don't think I'll ever find a girl like her and I have to accept that. It just sucks because I was so young and stupid, I don't know what I was thinking in those years. And even if I showed her i have changed, she'll never go back. Makes it worse that she was the one who was always in love with me more than I was with her. Just have to accept it as much as I want her back.

[Arteyman]

I'm glad you feel that way, it shows you have some remorse. I'm coming from a point of emotion right now because that's exactly what my bf did to me and I'm hurt. I just want closure and to not hurt and have some dignity, self-respect, and energy. Do you have idea how much that kind of emotional pain drains you? Well now you probably do.

 

I'm not yelling at you, I'm sorry. I read in here to not feel alone, many of us do. Things will get better in time. T.I.M.E is also THINGS I MUST EARN in recovery from drugs and alcohol etc etc.

 

It's nice to hear a man realize how much he hurt a woman he supposedly loved, now ask why, try to fix it and please never do that again. Some get lucky and they can make it up to the person. But don't get your hopes up.

 

I understand how much I made her hurt and I feel so bad. I don't know what was in me, I've always been the nice guy but I guess I took advantage of her love for me. This is the worst pain I've ever felt but what makes me feel better is knowing that this is karma from what I did. And I'll learn from it and have another chance to find happiness, even if it's not with the girl I love right now. She's completely done with me as well, there's no chance other than years into the future and even then she will probably still hate me. But I accept it's all my fault, I self reflected and went over everything I did wrong and vowed to never make those mistakes again.

Edited October 17, 2017 by Arteyman

[PrincessWarrior1]

@Arteyman & Avenue87

 

I wish things were different. As even I go over and over things reliving when he used to look at me with adoration in his eyes. What went so wrong that he had to become cruel? Blocks? You can always get around those, but I just need to accept things as they are now and keep pushing forward. It's a very heartbreaking thing to get to the end of your rope and realize that (I, we, he, she) has been selfish and the relationship is no more. All we can do is learn and keep hope alive.

[PrincessWarrior1]

I understand how much I made her hurt and I feel so bad. I don't know what was in me, I've always been the nice guy but I guess I took advantage of her love for me. This is the worst pain I've ever felt but what makes me feel better is knowing that this is karma from what I did. And I'll learn from it and have another chance to find happiness, even if it's not with the girl I love right now. She's completely done with me as well, there's no chance other than years into the future and even then she will probably still hate me. But I accept it's all my fault, I self reflected and went over everything I did wrong and vowed to never make those mistakes again.

 

 

I'm no perfect saint neither and I'm glad I can be hear for you like this. We are making progress and that is good! You're figuring out why such as: "I've always been the nice guy." And maybe you've been taken advantage of. As far as the karma thing. When I was 22 I stole my husband off his really fat girlfriend. It wasn't just that, I mean, I knew I was a better women for him at the time and I was so ready to be married. So when I was pregnant and his ex just snapped her finger and took him off me. I consoled myself with just that, that hey I deserve this bite from the karma bug.

 

How long have you two been separated? It's not unheard of for people to break up for 2 years and get back together. Days will turn into weeks and yes will start to enjoy the comfort of not hurting. It will feel so nice. You can actually take some ibuprophen or tylenol. Emotional pain is no joke, I know how it feels, believe me. If you have to have a couple of drinks to take the anxiety down, just please be careful as alcohol is a depressant.

 

Most importantly, please try to read. I'll check on you in the early stages of your recovery and try to find you articles to read that will help. You can start that yourself. Just google questions, ok?

 

Either way I'm going to say we because nobody is perfect, we need to do the self improvement work so that our next relationship will be better. Every one makes mistakes. Please keep hope alive that's what I want you to focus on right now. I'm here for you. And I'm going to include a link of a song that might pick ya up

 

[ayoung73]

If it has triggered your anxiety, what did you do to cope prior to this relationship? If it was to see a therapist, don’t delay, and you can also work through some of the issues you’ve discussed. Just make sure you apologize, make it know you are sorry, and move on by indulging in a hobby, occupying yourself with school, working out, and hanging out with friends. We all make mistakes, it happens, obviously you’re not as bad as you think, you were dating a woman and cheated on her with another.

 

Don’t repeat your mistakes, learn and move on. Who knows, it may not be over completely, but it sounds like the both of you need to work through some personal issues as well.

[Arteyman]

I'm no perfect saint neither and I'm glad I can be hear for you like this. We are making progress and that is good! You're figuring out why such as: "I've always been the nice guy." And maybe you've been taken advantage of. As far as the karma thing. When I was 22 I stole my husband off his really fat girlfriend. It wasn't just that, I mean, I knew I was a better women for him at the time and I was so ready to be married. So when I was pregnant and his ex just snapped her finger and took him off me. I consoled myself with just that, that hey I deserve this bite from the karma bug.

 

How long have you two been separated? It's not unheard of for people to break up for 2 years and get back together. Days will turn into weeks and yes will start to enjoy the comfort of not hurting. It will feel so nice. You can actually take some ibuprophen or tylenol. Emotional pain is no joke, I know how it feels, believe me. If you have to have a couple of drinks to take the anxiety down, just please be careful as alcohol is a depressant.

 

Most importantly, please try to read. I'll check on you in the early stages of your recovery and try to find you articles to read that will help. You can start that yourself. Just google questions, ok?

 

Either way I'm going to say we because nobody is perfect, we need to do the self improvement work so that our next relationship will be better. Every one makes mistakes. Please keep hope alive that's what I want you to focus on right now. I'm here for you. And I'm going to include a link of a song that might pick ya up

 

 

I still feel so much pain and I think i will for the rest of my life. I loved this girl so much and I blew it. I've learned and i hope she can one day give me another chance but she's already with another guy and has said she sees no future with me. I'm struggling to move on because I love her unconditonally

[Arteyman]

If it has triggered your anxiety, what did you do to cope prior to this relationship? If it was to see a therapist, don’t delay, and you can also work through some of the issues you’ve discussed. Just make sure you apologize, make it know you are sorry, and move on by indulging in a hobby, occupying yourself with school, working out, and hanging out with friends. We all make mistakes, it happens, obviously you’re not as bad as you think, you were dating a woman and cheated on her with another.

 

Don’t repeat your mistakes, learn and move on. Who knows, it may not be over completely, but it sounds like the both of you need to work through some personal issues as well.

 

I'm seeing a therapist but it doesnt really help. I'm actually going to talk to her in person in a month and apologize and hopefully she sees I've changed. But she's with another guy now so chances are very slim she ever comes back. She has told me to not beg for her because her decision is set. Life could've been so amazing right now had I not screwed up so badly, but in my defense i was young and stupid and I've learned from my mistakes

[Arteyman]

So I asked my ex if we could talk in person around a month ago. She said she'd text me over our thanksgiving break and she did. We're going to talk tomorrow in person about what went wrong for closure. I don't even know what to say to her at this point

[springy]

Are you still hoping this will lead to reconciliation?

Edited November 26, 2017 by springy

[Arteyman]

Are you still hoping this will lead to reconciliation?

 

In some way I hope the feelings come back so maybe she can give me a shot again in the future but most likely nothing will come about

[HumanMachine]

In some way I hope the feelings come back so maybe she can give me a shot again in the future but most likely nothing will come about

 

So you’re setting yourself to be disappointed.. why?