Getting back with ex? Fail :( Should I have done something differently?

[MikeLeno]

Hello,

 

So last night I had dinner with my ex after a few months of breakup. I told her initially that I wasn't going to force her to get back together, which i didn't throughout the meal. However, once we got back to her place and I dropped her off, I asked for a bit more time. I then asked and pushed her and gave her all the reasons I could give in getting back together. She became annoyed, angry, and emotional, and said I promised not to do this to her. I felt so bad afterwards, since she felt that way. She told me she is slowly starting to live happily and comfortably as a single girl.

 

Should i have done something differently? I definitely regret pushing her to get back now. I asked to be friends after on text, but she's just ignoring me and gave me the "Seen" message.

[Beachead]

Hey OP,

 

Let me translate. She wants a relationship but she doesn't want one with you for whatever reason it may be. She feels trapped and constrained by the thought of being with you. She was hoping you would show her you were capable of being single and happy without her which is why she went out to dinner with you (She was evaluating you) but as soon as you broke your promise and started talking about a relationship again, she realized what you really wanted deep down inside. Nothing wrong with what you want but just make sure you stick by it and not try to change it for her. Otherwise you look weak.

 

In any case, if she's happy being single, she shouldn't be leading you on by going to dinner with you.

 

Anyway, no point in apologizing and going back and forth now, she already knows what you really want. If you push more, she'll become more distant. This battle is lost but conditions may change in the future.

 

My advice, step back. Block her number, email, and everything off of social media and begin the process of healing, grieving and moving forward. This will be strictly for you. Don't do it to win her back. Trust me, you will not want to see her updating her statuses and pictures on social media and you will not want meaningless texts or calls from her if she does decide to contact you, because it will only mess you up more. Focus on yourself for now and who knows what the future will bring.

 

Goodluck

Edited October 15, 2017 by Beachead

[Trust666]

Biggest mistake:

 

Not moving on. When someone breaks up with you they are done with you, at least for the time being but plan on forever.

 

It's hard to hear and many of us are going through it. Go NC heal and move on, don't waste your time or energy or hers.

[Alamo657]

Hello,

 

So last night I had dinner with my ex after a few months of breakup. I told her initially that I wasn't going to force her to get back together, which i didn't throughout the meal. However, once we got back to her place and I dropped her off, I asked for a bit more time. I then asked and pushed her and gave her all the reasons I could give in getting back together. She became annoyed, angry, and emotional, and said I promised not to do this to her. I felt so bad afterwards, since she felt that way. She told me she is slowly starting to live happily and comfortably as a single girl.

 

Should i have done something differently? I definitely regret pushing her to get back now. I asked to be friends after on text, but she's just ignoring me and gave me the "Seen" message.

 

You learn by your mistake.

 

Relationships develop naturally from mutual attraction, anything else involves being crepy, stalkerish and annoying, which you were.

 

What you should have done differently (and you will the next time), is block your ex and move on.

 

As for that girl, the best thing you can do is apologize for being annoying and pressuring her into something she LEFT, then tell her you'll leave her alone starting now. And then block her so she doesn't invite you into ambiguous situations, like a date which is not a date...

[dumbass2]

What you should have done differently is to not go to dinner with an ex after a few months post break up.

[Highndry]

This is why it's so important to never be friends, and always state your intentions and ask what hers are.

 

Why did you end up at dinner with her? What was the goal?

 

If I ever wanted my ex back, I would only see her at my place where the intention was to romance her and have her stay the night, and I would be upfront about that.

[MikeLeno]

This is why it's so important to never be friends, and always state your intentions and ask what hers are.

 

Why did you end up at dinner with her? What was the goal?

 

If I ever wanted my ex back, I would only see her at my place where the intention was to romance her and have her stay the night, and I would be upfront about that.

 

 

I ended up getting dinner with her, since I just completed my MCAT and drove 4 hours to celebrate the end of it with friends still in town. Knowing that she was here too, I asked if she wanted to grab dinner, since I was only staying for a night, which she accepted. My goal was to catchup, since we haven't seen each other since the breakup, and possibly talk about the chance of getting back.

[Highndry]

I ended up getting dinner with her, since I just completed my MCAT and drove 4 hours to celebrate the end of it with friends still in town. Knowing that she was here too, I asked if she wanted to grab dinner, since I was only staying for a night, which she accepted. My goal was to catchup, since we haven't seen each other since the breakup, and possibly talk about the chance of getting back.

 

This is just my opinion, so take it with a grain of salt.

 

If I were ever trying to win back one of my exes, I wouldn't even mention getting back together. That is heavy and puts pressure on her.

 

I would invite her over and charm her, like I was dating her again, but I would have the advantage over any new guy having already been intimate with her hundreds of times. I would use what I know works, regain her trust through genuine affection, show her a great time, and have something to build off of.

 

The "getting back together" talk would not come until much later in the future, and I'd honestly want to hear her say it first.

[Sweetfish]

Hello,

 

So last night I had dinner with my ex after a few months of breakup. I told her initially that I wasn't going to force her to get back together, which i didn't throughout the meal. However, once we got back to her place and I dropped her off, I asked for a bit more time. I then asked and pushed her and gave her all the reasons I could give in getting back together. She became annoyed, angry, and emotional, and said I promised not to do this to her. I felt so bad afterwards, since she felt that way. She told me she is slowly starting to live happily and comfortably as a single girl.

 

Should i have done something differently? I definitely regret pushing her to get back now. I asked to be friends after on text, but she's just ignoring me and gave me the "Seen" message.

 

reading your other post... you did everything wrong in the book.

[elaine567]

I ended up getting dinner with her, since I just completed my MCAT and drove 4 hours to celebrate the end of it with friends still in town. Knowing that she was here too, I asked if she wanted to grab dinner, since I was only staying for a night, which she accepted. My goal was to catchup, since we haven't seen each other since the breakup, and possibly talk about the chance of getting back.

 

She accepted the invitation on the grounds of "catching up".

Your mistake is thinking she thinks in the same way you do.

She broke up with you, she will have no intention of getting back with you. She will be happy "catching up", the odd text, the friendly chat when you meet up, but that is it.

Dumpers may miss you, they may like talking to you, they may even still love you, but dumpers tend NOT to regret breaking up with you and dumpers usually NEVER want to get back with you.

Here she had a very valid reason for the split.

 

She is only 21, she has a whole lot of life to live before she will want to settle down. You want to lock her into a long distance committed relationship, she didn't want that, so broke up with you.

By still hankering after her and trying to push her into seeing you again, you are in effect disrespecting her and the decision she made, hence why she is annoyed.

She is done with you, respect that and start living your own life.

[A_New_Earth]

We've all done it (I know I have). You tricked yourself into thinking it was a 'date'. You tricked yourself into thinking that 'hey, she wouldn't have come out for dinner if she didn't feel the same way...'

 

Thing is...women (and people) are highly intuitive. I would guess that she knew exactly where your heart was 'at'...she just didn't want to hear it or be lumbered with that 'responsibility'. She'd probably like to have you in her life as a male orbiter...ready and willing whenever she wants/needs some attention from someone that she knows (deep down) would still do anything for her. But you being honest broke the illusion and forced her into a corner.

 

Don't be anyone's back-up or second option. Let her taste life without you in it and focus on yourself. If she's going to come back, it won't be until you're healed...and by that point, you probably won't see the point.

 

Hello,

 

So last night I had dinner with my ex after a few months of breakup. I told her initially that I wasn't going to force her to get back together, which i didn't throughout the meal. However, once we got back to her place and I dropped her off, I asked for a bit more time. I then asked and pushed her and gave her all the reasons I could give in getting back together. She became annoyed, angry, and emotional, and said I promised not to do this to her. I felt so bad afterwards, since she felt that way. She told me she is slowly starting to live happily and comfortably as a single girl.

 

Should i have done something differently? I definitely regret pushing her to get back now. I asked to be friends after on text, but she's just ignoring me and gave me the "Seen" message.

[MikeLeno]

This is just my opinion, so take it with a grain of salt.

 

If I were ever trying to win back one of my exes, I wouldn't even mention getting back together. That is heavy and puts pressure on her.

 

I would invite her over and charm her, like I was dating her again, but I would have the advantage over any new guy having already been intimate with her hundreds of times. I would use what I know works, regain her trust through genuine affection, show her a great time, and have something to build off of.

 

The "getting back together" talk would not come until much later in the future, and I'd honestly want to hear her say it first.

 

I definitely agree on this. Tbh, I didn't really have a plan going into dinner, which I should have though. It would have allowed me to contemplate whether to try getting back or just back off and just be casual. Every relationship starts off as friends, and that's how we did, so maybe being low-pressure friends would be a good start. Thank you for your response though!!

[Trust666]

The problem is you are planning, do you really just want to be LC friends? If so go NC for a while, until healed at least and then perhaps try.

 

Then ask yourself do you really just want to be LC friends when you are healed.

 

If that is what you want, NC heal up now and then see if you feel the same once healed.

 

If you want to be friends because you are hoping to get back with her, abandon all hope at least for now and often being friends negates that.

 

If you want to be with her, go NC and if one day she wants the same she will let you know.

 

I recently broke up with someone I dated 25 years prior, when she dumped me she did the whole "we'll reconnect later, that is what friends do". I told her I had no desire to be friends because I knew I never could be. LOL it has since devolved into a dumpster fire, BUT I never have to worry about her contacting me again. It's what I want, I want to be with her, we were never friends prior, we were always romantic. I have no desire to be rejected by her in the future, and can never be intimate with her again so I made sure to voice that.

 

I have no desire to try a 3rd time or have a participation trophy.

 

Be honest with yourself, why do you want to be LC friends right now?

[MikeLeno]

Hey OP,

 

Let me translate. She wants a relationship but she doesn't want one with you for whatever reason it may be. She feels trapped and constrained by the thought of being with you. She was hoping you would show her you were capable of being single and happy without her which is why she went out to dinner with you (She was evaluating you) but as soon as you broke your promise and started talking about a relationship again, she realized what you really wanted deep down inside. Nothing wrong with what you want but just make sure you stick by it and not try to change it for her. Otherwise you look weak.

 

In any case, if she's happy being single, she shouldn't be leading you on by going to dinner with you.

 

Anyway, no point in apologizing and going back and forth now, she already knows what you really want. If you push more, she'll become more distant. This battle is lost but conditions may change in the future.

 

My advice, step back. Block her number, email, and everything off of social media and begin the process of healing, grieving and moving forward. This will be strictly for you. Don't do it to win her back. Trust me, you will not want to see her updating her statuses and pictures on social media and you will not want meaningless texts or calls from her if she does decide to contact you, because it will only mess you up more. Focus on yourself for now and who knows what the future will bring.

 

Goodluck

 

Thank you for your response! Idk why, but reading responses like yours, whether it is something I want to hear or not, makes my day. I need responses like this to help me stay positive on the breakup/mistakes/and myself.

[MikeLeno]

She accepted the invitation on the grounds of "catching up".

Your mistake is thinking she thinks in the same way you do.

She broke up with you, she will have no intention of getting back with you. She will be happy "catching up", the odd text, the friendly chat when you meet up, but that is it.

Dumpers may miss you, they may like talking to you, they may even still love you, but dumpers tend NOT to regret breaking up with you and dumpers usually NEVER want to get back with you.

Here she had a very valid reason for the split.

 

She is only 21, she has a whole lot of life to live before she will want to settle down. You want to lock her into a long distance committed relationship, she didn't want that, so broke up with you.

By still hankering after her and trying to push her into seeing you again, you are in effect disrespecting her and the decision she made, hence why she is annoyed.

She is done with you, respect that and start living your own life.

 

It took me about 2-3 months before finally realizing that she just isn't ready for a long term/long distance and committed relationship. I know I made my fair share of mistakes during the relationship, but Idt my mistakes were the reason for the breakup. And sadly, I agree that me pushing is only making her annoyed.

[MikeLeno]

We've all done it (I know I have). You tricked yourself into thinking it was a 'date'. You tricked yourself into thinking that 'hey, she wouldn't have come out for dinner if she didn't feel the same way...'

 

Thing is...women (and people) are highly intuitive. I would guess that she knew exactly where your heart was 'at'...she just didn't want to hear it or be lumbered with that 'responsibility'. She'd probably like to have you in her life as a male orbiter...ready and willing whenever she wants/needs some attention from someone that she knows (deep down) would still do anything for her. But you being honest broke the illusion and forced her into a corner.

 

Don't be anyone's back-up or second option. Let her taste life without you in it and focus on yourself. If she's going to come back, it won't be until you're healed...and by that point, you probably won't see the point.

 

I agree I kind of tricked myself into thinking this was an actual "date", but I think she just wanted to see me too, since we haven't seen each other since the breakup. Maybe she wanted to see where I'm at and how I've been doing, but nothing more. I know she wants to be friends, but probably nothing romantic at this moment of her life, since she's getting used and satisfied with it. It's been a few months, and being in college, with friends, and with many different things to do to keep her mind off of me is helping her move forward. Yet, for me, I graduated and have lots of time to think of her even after my MCAT/internship this semester.

[MikeLeno]

The problem is you are planning, do you really just want to be LC friends? If so go NC for a while, until healed at least and then perhaps try.

 

Then ask yourself do you really just want to be LC friends when you are healed.

 

If that is what you want, NC heal up now and then see if you feel the same once healed.

 

If you want to be friends because you are hoping to get back with her, abandon all hope at least for now and often being friends negates that.

 

If you want to be with her, go NC and if one day she wants the same she will let you know.

 

I recently broke up with someone I dated 25 years prior, when she dumped me she did the whole "we'll reconnect later, that is what friends do". I told her I had no desire to be friends because I knew I never could be. LOL it has since devolved into a dumpster fire, BUT I never have to worry about her contacting me again. It's what I want, I want to be with her, we were never friends prior, we were always romantic. I have no desire to be rejected by her in the future, and can never be intimate with her again so I made sure to voice that.

 

I have no desire to try a 3rd time or have a participation trophy.

 

Be honest with yourself, why do you want to be LC friends right now?

 

If you have read my other posts, since I've been posting about my confusion, it's a roller coaster.. mainly from me psyching my own self out with every little contact and experience. I do believe that maybe LC for now will help, or at least it would have a few weeks ago when she claimed to have missed me, but I said no, since I might want more. Yet, I am an avid believer that when you start as friends and become something more, it will happen again in the future even after a breakup. (i might just be a hopeless romantic).

 

I've only been friends with girls I've had a thing with years after closing off contact and intimacy. But like you, Idk how or if I'll ever be able to with this girl, since I still have the strongest feelings for her. Thus, being "friends'' might not work, but if not trying, I'm sure I'll regret it more

[Trust666]

//And sadly, I agree that me pushing is only making her annoyed.//

 

It happens. I've been on both ends and time usually works these out in my experience. I had a woman when I was much younger insert herself into my life and not go away. I got a new girlfriend, she became good friends with her and we all hung out, she bothered my friends 24/7 just in hopes of seeing me etc. I forgave her decades later when we talked again, I understood she was upset and she was a good person. But it was creepy and clingy.

 

The same girl is who I now dislike very much, she really screwed me over in the end 24 years later lol. So not only did I annoy her, and push her away I did it on purpose...so she would never contact me again nor would I feel tempted to myself. Burnt that bridge...I might regret it one day, but I can never be around her again because of the feels I get and how dangerous she would be to me moving on.

 

If you truly do want her and you to be friendly back off now and 9 times out of 10 time and distance work these into being LC friendly.

 

Are you feeling you lost some dignity or your ego is a bit bruised because of your dinner "date"?

Edited October 17, 2017 by Trust666

[MikeLeno]

//And sadly, I agree that me pushing is only making her annoyed.//

 

It happens. I've been on both ends and time usually works these out in my experience. I had a woman when I was much younger insert herself into my life and not go away. I got a new girlfriend, she became good friends with her and we all hung out, she bothered my friends 24/7 just in hopes of seeing me etc. I forgave her decades later when we talked again, I understood she was upset and she was a good person. But it was creepy and clingy.

 

The same girl is who I now dislike very much, she really screwed me over in the end 24 years later lol. So not only did I annoy her, and push her away I did it on purpose...so she would never contact me again nor would I feel tempted to myself. Burnt that bridge...I might regret it one day, but I can never be around her again because of the feels I get and how dangerous she would be to me moving on.

 

If you truly do want her and you to be friendly back off now and 9 times out of 10 time and distance work these into being LC friendly.

 

Are you feeling you lost some dignity or your ego is a bit bruised because of your dinner "date"?

 

Do you think LC can lead to something more?

 

I've lost lots of dignity and ego, since the breakup. Before we dated, I was actually a bit overconfident and even cocky to some people - I did and spoke my mind. Yet, since the first break, I've felt like I've been walking on eggshells, and now that we're broken up, I just hit rock bottom when it comes to ego/dignity. I'm sure she dislikes it and is also turned off by it too. As for the dinner date, Idk how I feel. I just wish everything could go back to normal, and I just feel really bad for messing it up at the end, since the date was going decent and even the waitress said we looked cute together, which doesn't mean much in actuality, since we're not together anymore. I even told myself to take it slow with her and have no pressure friendship weeks before I asked her to hangout this past weekend dinner. Yet, I blew it, since I didn't run it through in my head and tried defining the relationship and pushing for more right before dropping her off.

[Trust666]

Tough advice and situation. We're all going through something and I think LC right now might be a bit much. Especially if you feel you lost some dignity/ego. The going back to normal is something I think we all feel in breakups.

 

I think the only choice you really have is to just go NC for now and realize it can't go back to normal. The best advice I could give, and I learned from not following it time and gain lol is to not try and fix anything right now.

 

Going NC will help you heal and as time passes it will allow you to make decisions based more on logic than emotions.

 

I don't think LC will lead to anything but lots of pain, and a delay in moving on at this juncture. Maybe then offer an apology much later down the road....when you no longer want to be with her. That may never happen it might. You can't dwell or wait for that, get to healing and moving on. It'll help you and perhaps even make her more open to LC friendship later.

 

We want to scheme and plan everything, if we got back together we would do the same. It can't return to normal. Once your head is clearer you will know what to do and why you are doing it.

[A_New_Earth]

Before we dated, I was actually a bit overconfident and even cocky to some people - I did and spoke my mind. Yet, since the first break, I've felt like I've been walking on eggshells, and now that we're broken up, I just hit rock bottom when it comes to ego/dignity. I'm sure she dislikes it and is also turned off by it too.

 

BINGO! This is 'it' in a nutshell. We can try all day and night to 'fake' being 'cool'...but within a few moments it's clear that it's a mask. She fell for the over confident guy that spoke his mind (and I'm guessing at that point you weren't trying to date her and were just being yourself). That 'couldn't give a f**k' attitude is what is most attractive. I've seen guys (and girls) be so 'cool' and then the second they get a sniff that someone 'likes' them, they turn into giant people-pleaser pansies. And this is 100% a 'turn-off'.

 

To get back to that stage with an ex means you are 100% over her. Try as you might, you'll struggle to fake it. And why begin a new relationship with her (because the old one is long gone) based on a falsehood?

 

By the time you regain that confidence (and you will) chances are, there will be someone new to rouse your interest. And 9 times out of 10, that's when the ex raises her level of interest. Why? Because you're 'that' guy again.

 

Work on healing and getting 'that' guy back. Then you'll have your pick of ladies (and your ex may well be one of them).

 

Peace.

Edited October 17, 2017 by A_New_Earth

[A_New_Earth]

P.s. I know the 'general advice' is to walk away and not communicate (because it usually makes things worse)...but you kind of muddied the waters with the date/non-date.

 

So if everything feels a little too 'up in the air' at the moment, you could send a message along the lines of:

 

"Hey, sorry about the other night. It wasn't my intention to deceive you. I thought I'd be cool to be 'just friends' and I didn't expect to feel that way after we spoke. I understand you're not in the same 'place'...but I was just honest. And I have to be true to myself. It's not fair on either of us if I want more. So, for the moment, I think it's best we go our separate ways completely. If you change you mind and want to go on a date and see what happens, then you know where I am. If I can get to a place where I feel okay being your friend, then I'll be in touch. If we never speak again, I wish you all the luck and happiness in the world..."

 

I might get shot down in flames for suggesting this on here, but it does give you at least a dividing line. If you do hear from her again (after her response [that you should then not respond to]) you can blindly assume she wants a date and ask her out. If she says no etc. then just repeat what you said above (obviously in a 'shortened' version).

 

You know deep down that you don't want to be just friends with her dude. Friends tell each other about dates/their sex life etc. That will rip a hole inside you. That kind of message above levels the playing field and lets her know it's all of you, or none of you. Then you can breathe, crack on and heal.

 

Peace.

Edited October 17, 2017 by A_New_Earth

[elaine567]

I think it is very difficult to mould yourself so that you will attract someone else.

People do this and end up not being the person they truly are and that usually becomes unattractive as they find it difficult to keep up the pretence of being "someone else" long term.

 

If you are cocky and arrogant, then be cocky and arrogant and hope you find someone who loves your cockiness and arrogance, but do not be cocky and arrogant if you are actually shy and sensitive as you will quickly be found out, You will then need to find a woman who appreciates shy and sensitive guys, not one who will ditch you as soon as she sees through your pretence.

Best be true to yourself.

 

Who knows what version of you this girl truly finds attractive, some girls will put up with cockiness and arrogance at first to quickly get turned off and want to see more sensitivity from a guy, others will be turned off by sensitivity and "weakness" as soon as they sense it - it is all an individual thing. There are no rigid formulas.

 

Dating is ultimately about finding people who love you for you.

 

I do not want to keep plugging a point, but you seem to think she will eventually come back. I do not see that happening, sorry.

[MikeLeno]

BINGO! This is 'it' in a nutshell. We can try all day and night to 'fake' being 'cool'...but within a few moments it's clear that it's a mask. She fell for the over confident guy that spoke his mind (and I'm guessing at that point you weren't trying to date her and were just being yourself). That 'couldn't give a f**k' attitude is what is most attractive. I've seen guys (and girls) be so 'cool' and then the second they get a sniff that someone 'likes' them, they turn into giant people-pleaser pansies. And this is 100% a 'turn-off'.

 

To get back to that stage with an ex means you are 100% over her. Try as you might, you'll struggle to fake it. And why begin a new relationship with her (because the old one is long gone) based on a falsehood?

 

By the time you regain that confidence (and you will) chances are, there will be someone new to rouse your interest. And 9 times out of 10, that's when the ex raises her level of interest. Why? Because you're 'that' guy again.

 

Work on healing and getting 'that' guy back. Then you'll have your pick of ladies (and your ex may well be one of them).

 

Peace.

 

Idt it was the true me. I was just arrogant and cocky, because I felt satisfied with everything in my life after my breakup with my previous ex - school, volleyball, internship, and etc. And I guess that translated me into being really confident and spoke my mind and did whatever when I first met this girl.

She did want me to open up and be more vulnerable, so I slowly expressed that side for her while we talked for 4-5 months and throughout the relationship. But I think I did it a bit too much, which turned her off. This is something I learned, since I probably should have kept some stuff to myself and not act too vulnerable/soft. I also wrote her too many notes and put her on a pedestal - always comforting her, always helping her through her struggles, and etc., which I thought she appreciated. Yet, it seems like it's all a waste now, since she deep down might not have wanted that side of me too much. Sigh, I wish we could have just communicated better and be opened when something put us off or something idk

[MikeLeno]

P.s. I know the 'general advice' is to walk away and not communicate (because it usually makes things worse)...but you kind of muddied the waters with the date/non-date.

 

So if everything feels a little too 'up in the air' at the moment, you could send a message along the lines of:

 

"Hey, sorry about the other night. It wasn't my intention to deceive you. I thought I'd be cool to be 'just friends' and I didn't expect to feel that way after we spoke. I understand you're not in the same 'place'...but I was just honest. And I have to be true to myself. It's not fair on either of us if I want more. So, for the moment, I think it's best we go our separate ways completely. If you change you mind and want to go on a date and see what happens, then you know where I am. If I can get to a place where I feel okay being your friend, then I'll be in touch. If we never speak again, I wish you all the luck and happiness in the world..."

 

I might get shot down in flames for suggesting this on here, but it does give you at least a dividing line. If you do hear from her again (after her response [that you should then not respond to]) you can blindly assume she wants a date and ask her out. If she says no etc. then just repeat what you said above (obviously in a 'shortened' version).

 

You know deep down that you don't want to be just friends with her dude. Friends tell each other about dates/their sex life etc. That will rip a hole inside you. That kind of message above levels the playing field and lets her know it's all of you, or none of you. Then you can breathe, crack on and heal.

 

Peace.

 

 

Great advice!

I did contact her apologizing for what I did at the end, and I even asked if we could be friends. Yet, she said there could be a chance in the future but not now - since she's probably scared I might push for more again, and she might get hurt/annoyed/angry if I bring it up to her next time after deciding on being "friends". Thus, idk how long I have to wait before contacting her again or what the next step is