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Am I right to be upset?


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I'm in a fairly new relationship, I met my bf online a couple months ago and we hit it off from the start. We became really close, always very sweet about each other and I really felt like he was always there for me and making me smile every damn day just as he said I made him really happy. He was always the one pushing for the relationship, just fyi.

 

We met up a few weeks after talking and we've officially been a couple ever since, but I feel like I'm no longer so much a priority to him. It's really hard to keep up a conversation over messages because he seems very blunt and I feel like it's always me asking about him and things he's doing all the time, I don't get much back. I opened up to him a lot before we became a couple and he was incredibly supportive, but now I just get ignored. In fact once he got angry with me when I messaged him about how I was feeling because he was too tired to talk about it. I ended up apologising a lot for that.

 

In person he's generally fine, we're both a little quiet sometimes but we have a laugh. He doesn't come across as being overly affectionate but I get that he probably just likes his own space. Although a lot of the time our dates get cut short because he gets tired and wants to sleep which I understand, but one time he left me early because he was really tired and wanted an early night but when he got home he ended up going out clubbing the whole night with his friend instead. I didn't say anything then because I didn't want to upset him; we were in a really good place at the time.

 

Recently he invited me on a night out clubbing with his friends which his friend had organised as a leaving party. I was really apprehensive about the whole thing because clubbing isn't really my scene at all and it was going to be the first time I met all of his friends. I get really sick on alcohol as well and he wanted me to drink lots so I had a good time. I decided to go along in the end because I didn't want to let him or anybody else down, actually ended up having a lovely time.

 

And then was my birthday which I had told him a while ago I wanted to spend as much of the day with him as possible. We were going out for lunch and also dinner with my family (he has met my family before) and I was really excited about the whole thing for ages. He turned up and we went out for lunch, and then he told me after that he might not stay for dinner because he wasn't hungry. I said we could go out a little later and he might want something then, but he said he just wasn't feeling it, so we took him home early. I was nice about it because I didn't want to drag him out if he wasn't going to enjoy himself, and he reassured me that everything was okay. But it sorta ruined my day. And I'm not materialistic at all and didn't expect anything, but he didn't even get me a birthday card or say happy birthday.

 

We haven't spoken much since because I took some space to enjoy the rest of my day. Now he's seen I'm upset and he's ignoring me. I'm not sure what to do at this stage. I'm trying so hard to make this work successfully because he's the first person I've really felt something for in such a long time, and when he doesn't have his guard up we connect really well. I just feel like I'm putting in more than he is and he always puts himself first. I don't know how to talk to him about it without him getting defensive, and I don't even know if I have a right to be upset when we're still in the early stages of dating.

 

Any advice?

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I have bad news for you. I think he is NO LONGER interested in you!

 

No man who is in love or just recently in relationship would act or treat his girlfriend the way your BF treated you.

 

I think he's slowly fading out.

 

I could feel from your post that you're a soft and sweet person. You could always step back to avoid conflicts and fights. But many times, it's not how life is. You can be sweet and nice but YOU SHOULD NOT SWALLOW OR LET SOMEBODY TO TREAT YOU LIKE AN OPTION.

 

You should know when to put a stop when people bull**** you or sop loving you.

 

Good luck!

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Only a couple of months dating and already:

 

Getting ignored

  1. He's not overly affectionate
  2. He cuts your dates short
  3. Encourages you to drink a lot
  4. Cut your birthday short, no gift, card or even a simple wish.
  5. You feel you are putting more time and energy in this

You've spent enough time with him now to know you are not a match. Obviously this is not the type of man or relationship you were hoping for. Break up and move on to a man better suited to you.

 

The little bit of good time he's showing you is not worth putting up with an un-affectionate man that can't spend some real time with you. He doesn't even act like he likes you.

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First of course it's hard to keep conversations going on messenger. texting is not for deep conversations & you should never express deep feelings via text. I'm horny, hungry or tired are fine but genuine discussion of human emotion via cold words deprives everybody of all the non-verbal cues required for true intimacy.

 

 

If he's fine in person, use that to gage his interest levels.

 

 

I'm concerned about him expecting you to drink a lot in order to "have fun" when you went clubbing. Glad you had a lovely time anyway.

 

 

With respect to birthdays & holidays, I think people need to make their expectations clear. I love cards & being spoiled. I initially don't expect somebody to spoil me but I want a card & my feelings are hurt if I don't get one. I always told new guys about my penchant for cards. That way I got a card & they didn't have to read my mind.

 

 

Do talk to your guy about how you are feeling & that you were hurt when he bailed on the family dinner portion of your birthday. Seriously, even if he wasn't hungry, he could have sat there & picked at a small appetizer just to participate. Maybe it felt to intense / overwhelming / committed to him to attend. You need to ask / clarify.

 

 

Speak your piece softly but ask how he currently feels about the relationship. He could be on his way out but it also could be that nobody can maintain the initial intensity. in case I wasn't clear -- have this conversation live in person, face to face. If you are foolish enough to broach this subject via text you will end up annoying your BF who will quickly become your EX-BF. Diplomacy & tact are required here.

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sorry I forgot to mention, on the night out with friends he pulled me aside and told me he loves me, that's why I'm really confused about everything! He said his friends really like me as well, and he also says he'd tell me if there was an issue, so I don't know what to think.

 

Thanks

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So talk to him.

 

 

We can't read his mind any more than you can. Just be calm when you have the discussion.

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I asked if he left because he was uncomfortable around my family or if he was overwhelmed and he said everything was fine, he just didn't feel up to going! Sometimes it's hard to talk in person as well because he can be really quiet and I don't feel like he's willing to let me in emotionally, so I don't quite know how to approach anything!

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sorry I forgot to mention, on the night out with friends he pulled me aside and told me he loves me, that's why I'm really confused about everything! He said his friends really like me as well, and he also says he'd tell me if there was an issue, so I don't know what to think.

 

Thanks

 

You need to understand something. It's not because a man tells us he is in love what it makes him right for us. It also doesn't mean he'll love us properly.

 

A man ignoring you is not loving you properly so you should not endure bad treatment just because he said he loved you.

 

You've only been dating a couple of months, it's not enough to talk about love. He may feel chemistry but certainly not love. When you love someone you don't ignore them, you don't cut short your time with them with lies, you don't encourage them to 'drink a lot'.

 

This man is not good for you. That's too many disappointments for a 2 month relationship.

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sorry I forgot to mention, on the night out with friends he pulled me aside and told me he loves me, that's why I'm really confused about everything! He said his friends really like me as well, and he also says he'd tell me if there was an issue, so I don't know what to think.

 

Thanks

 

Let me guess, he was also drinking a lot that night he said he loved you?

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Just because he's quiet doesn't mean he is not letting you in. My husband is very quiet. He rarely talks. I'm a chatty cathy. After our 1st date I actually cried because I thought he didn't like me.

 

 

Watch your BFs actions. Stop analyzing his texts. Listen to the silences. For many quiet people the fact that you can be silent together means the world to them.

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Just because he's quiet doesn't mean he is not letting you in. My husband is very quiet. He rarely talks. I'm a chatty cathy. After our 1st date I actually cried because I thought he didn't like me.

 

 

Watch your BFs actions. Stop analyzing his texts. Listen to the silences. For many quiet people the fact that you can be silent together means the world to them.

 

Did you read the part where he ignores her when it's not going his way?

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It sounds like you continuously put your needs aside and bend over backwards for this guy.

Basically you're way too nice.

 

I would break up with this guy because he sucks.

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1. You reach out to him because you have problems and he gets mad at you.

2. He can't prioritize you on your birthday.

 

Who cares whether he's interested or not. Don't you deserve someone who will support you when you have a tough day? Don't you deserve someone who will be happy to celebrate your birthday?

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Did you read the part where he ignores her when it's not going his way?

 

 

No. I went back to look for it but still didn't see it.

 

 

What I did see was him coming on strong, then dialing it back & now her being frustrated because she wants more then he's giving. Yet, she seems to be pushing things through text & she admits that she has problems talking to him. He can be snippy when he's tired but sometimes she keeps pushing.

 

 

Not every second of every relationship is a bed of roses. I'm not saying he's great but I see her behaviors making things worse. Still he should have stuck around for the birthday dinner. I chose to be encouraged by his declaration of love at the nightclub with the friends & his assurance that everything was fine. In the face of him saying it's fine, her continuing to ask what's wrong is annoying. Asking is problematic in that setting but her stating what her concerns are is different.

 

 

She needs to sit him down & say something like

 

I know you told me things are fine but I'
m
not feeling too happy about certain things & we need to talk about it. I don't know why you dialed back on the contact. I was hurt that you didn't get me a card & you left early. I really want this to work out. What do you think?

 

it needs to be in her words but he needs to be told she's not happy. Again, that is different from her asking him what's wrong.

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Is this a personality conflict? An interest conflict? I think it's pretty sh*tty to claim bed time and then go out and party at the club after, but it almost sounds to me like your interests are not coming together very well. This is normal, and it's not a flaw. He likes the bar and party scene, and you really don't. Figure out how to manage both or find someone of similar interest.

 

He shouldn't lie about it. That's the problem.

 

I find birthday people annoying beyond all reason. Yay, it's your birthday, you survived another year...congrats...so did I...yippee...we kept breathing. You don't get a pedestal and super-extra attention as if you are some goddess. Your boyfriend could plan to do something for you, but if he's not interested in this big planned event he doesn't enjoy because IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY and it's REQUIRED, well, so be it. I would hope he would attend, at least for part of it, leave you to party for the rest, and connect later. I would expect him to do something nice for your birthday (maybe not on the day) aside from your Princess, showering-and-attention-party you have in your head, and if that's what you want, find a man who thinks the same way. I find the whole "It's my birthday, I can do what I want and you have to do what I want because it's my birthday" people to be juvenile and I have low tolerance for it, and god help me, I have to listen to "It's my birthday" diatribe for six to eight weeks pre and post birthday...oiy.

 

You are not a child. Get over it.

 

If he is visibly upset to the point you have to keep asking what's wrong, that's an issue. If you don't enjoy going out and doing the same things, this is also an issue, but can be worked and balanced around...it could be a deal-breaker.

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My main issue with the birthday is that he had committed to plans and then backed out of them. And these were plans meant to celebrate with her, her friends and her family. This, coupled with not getting her anything, makes me think this guy is minimally extremely introverted, quite possibly avoidant and, worst case, possibly self-centred.

 

I can't help but read her post and see time after time where he fails to be there for her - even when he said he would be (the birthday). Maybe some people here are okay with that. I think most people would want a partner who holds his commitments and is happy to celebrate with them.

 

Also, relationships last longer and are happier when partners celebrate each other. This is early days and I think the OP would do well to think about the kind of support she wants in this relationship. I think anyone deserves more.

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No. I went back to look for it but still didn't see it.

 

I dig it out for you

 

Second Paragraph:

I opened up to him a lot before we became a couple and he was incredibly supportive, but now I just get ignored.

 

Last paragraph:

We haven't spoken much since because I took some space to enjoy the rest of my day. Now he's seen I'm upset and he's ignoring me.

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I dig it out for you

 

Second Paragraph:

I opened up to him a lot before we became a couple and he was incredibly supportive, but now I just get ignored.

 

Last paragraph:

We haven't spoken much since because I took some space to enjoy the rest of my day. Now he's seen I'm upset and he's ignoring me.

 

There's also this:

 

In fact once he got angry with me when I messaged him about how I was feeling because he was too tired to talk about it. I ended up apologising a lot for that.
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I find birthday people annoying beyond all reason. Yay, it's your birthday, you survived another year...congrats...so did I...yippee...we kept breathing. You don't get a pedestal and super-extra attention as if you are some goddess. Your boyfriend could plan to do something for you, but if he's not interested in this big planned event he doesn't enjoy because IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY and it's REQUIRED, well, so be it. I would hope he would attend, at least for part of it, leave you to party for the rest, and connect later. I would expect him to do something nice for your birthday (maybe not on the day) aside from your Princess, showering-and-attention-party you have in your head, and if that's what you want, find a man who thinks the same way. I find the whole "It's my birthday, I can do what I want and you have to do what I want because it's my birthday" people to be juvenile and I have low tolerance for it, and god help me, I have to listen to "It's my birthday" diatribe for six to eight weeks pre and post birthday...oiy.

 

You are not a child. Get over it.

 

I find this whole birthday bashing very undeserved for the OP. She was not acting like a princess and did not demand anything, she would have liked at least a card and if not a card AT LEAST a 'happy birthday' which she didn't get. How cheap and completely uninterested and selfish and lazy do you have to be to not even tell your GF happy birthday??

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I dig it out for you

 

Second Paragraph:

I opened up to him a lot before we became a couple and he was incredibly supportive, but now I just get ignored.

 

Last paragraph:

We haven't spoken much since because I took some space to enjoy the rest of my day. Now he's seen I'm upset and he's ignoring me.

 

 

 

OK thank you. We need to know over what period of time she's being ignored. I got the sense that she was pestering him while he was trying to sleep which is very different.

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This guy is s.h.i.t. Don't ever tolerate someone who is uninvested, does everything halfheartedly, shifts blame, stonewalls etc. It won't ever get better. No matter what you do. He's immature and uninterested in you. Don't understand why some posters even try to defend him

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OK thank you. We need to know over what period of time she's being ignored. I got the sense that she was pestering him while he was trying to sleep which is very different.

 

They've been dating a big total of 2 months.

 

OP: All relationships start with a sweet man being nice and attentive and soon you see his true face. This is who he is, it's not gonna get better.

 

Dating is about finding a compatible partner, when as soon as 2 months you get ignored and lied to you abort the dating! As simple as that. If he ignores you at 2 months imagine the type of silent treatment he'll give you after a year.

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Just because he's quiet doesn't mean he is not letting you in. My husband is very quiet. He rarely talks. I'm a chatty cathy. After our 1st date I actually cried because I thought he didn't like me.

 

 

Watch your BFs actions. Stop analyzing his texts. Listen to the silences. For many quiet people the fact that you can be silent together means the world to them.

 

 

OMG i love your last sentence. No disrespect to the OP but this is pretty nice to hear. My bf's silence sometimes drives me nuts. I get tired talking too sometimes you know.

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Is this a personality conflict? An interest conflict? I think it's pretty sh*tty to claim bed time and then go out and party at the club after, but it almost sounds to me like your interests are not coming together very well. This is normal, and it's not a flaw. He likes the bar and party scene, and you really don't. Figure out how to manage both or find someone of similar interest.

 

He shouldn't lie about it. That's the problem.

 

I find birthday people annoying beyond all reason. Yay, it's your birthday, you survived another year...congrats...so did I...yippee...we kept breathing. You don't get a pedestal and super-extra attention as if you are some goddess. Your boyfriend could plan to do something for you, but if he's not interested in this big planned event he doesn't enjoy because IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY and it's REQUIRED, well, so be it. I would hope he would attend, at least for part of it, leave you to party for the rest, and connect later. I would expect him to do something nice for your birthday (maybe not on the day) aside from your Princess, showering-and-attention-party you have in your head, and if that's what you want, find a man who thinks the same way. I find the whole "It's my birthday, I can do what I want and you have to do what I want because it's my birthday" people to be juvenile and I have low tolerance for it, and god help me, I have to listen to "It's my birthday" diatribe for six to eight weeks pre and post birthday...oiy.

 

You are not a child. Get over it.

 

If he is visibly upset to the point you have to keep asking what's wrong, that's an issue. If you don't enjoy going out and doing the same things, this is also an issue, but can be worked and balanced around...it could be a deal-breaker.

 

I could kind of see what you mean here as I've seen some annoying birthday celebrants like that, but this is totally not the case in OP's situation so this is a bit much in my opinion.

 

For me personally, I don't go extravagant for my birthday either but I still celebrate it with just my family and maybe close friends too. I personally believe you should celebrate it. It's a blessing.

 

My long distance bf sent me flowers to work on my birthday and we weren't even official then and it hasn't even been two months dating at that time. He also bought me couple of small presents that he thought I would really like a month before my birthday. That's how excited he was buying me a birthday present.

 

OP never asked for anything crazy, just a little bit more care like staying for dinner as he already agreed. It's such a LAME excuse that he wasn't hungry. DUDE! Just sit there and socialize while drinking water.

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