quest4more Posted October 8, 2017 Share Posted October 8, 2017 Hello everyone, First post for me and, I'd assume like many who've found themselves on this board, I have a dilemma that I'd like to see if y'all could help me out with. It's been a little over a month since a break-up via text from my ex-GF. Very cold and detached on her part. Multiple trips were cancelled as a result - one of which included a trip across the country to watch a musical. I bought the tickets for her birthday $750 each and she payed for the flights. Post break-up she canceled the flights, and offered to pay me for the tickets. I declined and insisted that I would use the tickets no matter what. My intention truly was to take a friend with me to watch the play - however time slipped away from me and I didn't plan appropriately. With the play being less than a week away - and them not selling on popular vendor websites - the tickets will either be given away or go to waste. Would you break No Contact and offer her the tickets? At this point, I don't even know if she kept the flight or not. And quite honestly, it doesn't even matter if she were to take another guy with her. For all that reply - thank you for your valued input. - Quest Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted October 8, 2017 Share Posted October 8, 2017 Hmmm, no, I would not. You're gonna lose the money anyway, right? Link to post Share on other sites
Author quest4more Posted October 8, 2017 Author Share Posted October 8, 2017 As fate would have it... the tickets sold as soon as submitted this thread... WoW:D Link to post Share on other sites
Author quest4more Posted October 8, 2017 Author Share Posted October 8, 2017 Hmmm, no, I would not. You're gonna lose the money anyway, right? Thank you for your feedback Cautiously.... can you tell me a little more about why you would not have offered the tickets to your ex if you were in my situation? Sometimes, I miss the obvious. Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted October 8, 2017 Share Posted October 8, 2017 Thank you for your feedback Cautiously.... can you tell me a little more about why you would not have offered the tickets to your ex if you were in my situation? Sometimes, I miss the obvious. Wow, that's great the tickets sold! I wouldn't have done it because you've purposefully gone no contact for a reason. Sounds like she wasn't kind in the break-up, so why give her a reward that might very well end up with your feelings being hurt all over again (if the contact makes you miss her more, have hope, etc. ) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
angel.eyes Posted October 8, 2017 Share Posted October 8, 2017 (edited) I'm glad the tickets sold! As for your question: According to you she broke up with you in a "cold" and "detached" manner. Unless you're trying to win Doormat of the Year award, you don't turn around and reward her with a $750 gift for hurting you. (In the days immediately post-breakup she felt guilty and would have bought the tickets. This week...a month after the fact when she's gotten on with her life...she ain't paying you for those tickets. You would be gifting those babies to her.) Think hard about what your true motivation was for wanting to give $750 to a woman who broke your heart. There were dozens of other options for those tickets. You could have given them to your mother or your parents. Given them to your best buddy and his girlfriend. Your assistant at work. Your barber and his wife. Your mailperson. Donated them to charity. Instead, the only option you considered was a woman who is no longer in your life who has made it crystal clear that she doesn't want you as her partner? Why is that? Subconsciously, I suspect you were hoping she would see what a nice person you are for gifting her the tickets, regret her "silly" decision to break up with you, and consider getting back with you. Pure fantasy! Reality will be very different. You would get a relatively curt thanks (or ignored if she has no interest in them). Then despite you claiming you don't care if she takes another guy, you would be further rewarded with photos and gushing comments on social media of her and your replacement enjoying themselves on your dime--that $750 gift. I highly doubt you'll feel quite as magnanimous about the gift when you're reeling from the pain of a self-inflicted emotional setback. You need to cut all ties with her and focus forward. Stop defaulting to her when you don't have a +1. She's not the only special snowflake in the universe. Use the rest of your social circle now that she's taken herself out of your picture. Edited October 8, 2017 by angel.eyes 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author quest4more Posted October 8, 2017 Author Share Posted October 8, 2017 I'm glad the tickets sold! As for your question: According to you she broke up with you in a "cold" and "detached" manner. Unless you're trying to win Doormat of the Year award, you don't turn around and reward her with a $750 gift for hurting you. (In the days immediately post-breakup she felt guilty and would have bought the tickets. This week...a month after the fact when she's gotten on with her life...she ain't paying you for those tickets. You would be gifting those babies to her.) Think hard about what your true motivation was for wanting to give $750 to a woman who broke your heart. There were dozens of other options for those tickets. You could have given them to your mother or your parents. Given them to your best buddy and his girlfriend. Your assistant at work. Your barber and his wife. Your mailperson. Donated them to charity. Instead, the only option you considered was a woman who is no longer in your life who has made it crystal clear that she doesn't want you as her partner? Why is that? Subconsciously, I suspect you were hoping she would see what a nice person you are for gifting her the tickets, regret her "silly" decision to break up with you, and consider getting back with you. Pure fantasy! Reality will be very different. You would get a relatively curt thanks (or ignored if she has no interest in them). Then despite you claiming you don't care if she takes another guy, you would be further rewarded with photos and gushing comments on social media of her and your replacement enjoying themselves on your dime--that $750 gift. I highly doubt you'll feel quite as magnanimous about the gift when you're reeling from the pain of a self-inflicted emotional setback. You need to cut all ties with her and focus forward. Stop defaulting to her when you don't have a +1. She's not the only special snowflake in the universe. Use the rest of your social circle now that she's taken herself out of your picture. That is the cold, hard truth my friend. However, I did try the 2 friends I knew that lived in the area before re-resorting to considering her as an option. Rather than allowing the tickets to go to waste, it is true, I subconsciously thought there were some points to be earned through giving her these tickets. Hard for me to think badly of this woman. People will only treat you how you allow yourself to be treated... and I gave her all the reason in the world to under-value my time and affection. The positive side is that the amount of growth to come from this will be immense - I’m already making huge strides as I’ve used my extra time constructively. I should thank her for so definitively putting a conclusion to this now (when I didn’t have the strength to) rather than to have learned a month, year, or even decade that she was unable to attach. My greatest fear is that this will change me in future relationships and that I won’t be able to give as much of myself again. No one really deserves to through this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author quest4more Posted October 8, 2017 Author Share Posted October 8, 2017 Wow, that's great the tickets sold! I wouldn't have done it because you've purposefully gone no contact for a reason. Sounds like she wasn't kind in the break-up, so why give her a reward that might very well end up with your feelings being hurt all over again (if the contact makes you miss her more, have hope, etc. ) Thank you.... you’ve made a solid point! Link to post Share on other sites
staggerlee71 Posted October 8, 2017 Share Posted October 8, 2017 Hard for me to think badly of this woman. People will only treat you how you allow yourself to be treated... and I gave her all the reason in the world to under-value my time and affection. My greatest fear is that this will change me in future relationships and that I won’t be able to give as much of myself again. No one really deserves to through this. First off, you need to think badly of her. She may have hurt you but you admit you gave her reason. You should fear that you cant give yourself again. Because if you don't give yourself, you've learned nothing and will repeat this event. what you should be learning is whatever you came up short on, wasn't good enough and that pushing yourself to be honest, genuine and vulnerable, as hard as it will be, will only find you a girl who respects and love you. you get what you give Link to post Share on other sites
staggerlee71 Posted October 8, 2017 Share Posted October 8, 2017 check that , you DONT need to think badly of her Link to post Share on other sites
Author quest4more Posted October 9, 2017 Author Share Posted October 9, 2017 (edited) check that , you DONT need to think badly of her I agree.... and I stated this clearly. She’s an amazing woman but we had irreconcilable differences when it came to values. I’ll miss her presence in my life. On the other side of the coin, she may never get to see the transformed man I’m growing into. I feel sad and frustrated by that. As twisted as it sounds, I feel like I owe this growth to her and am so thankful to have been released to do this much needed work on myself. It’s been so hard... but I’ve already come so far in just a month! Edited October 9, 2017 by quest4more Link to post Share on other sites
angel.eyes Posted October 9, 2017 Share Posted October 9, 2017 Good for you! Break-ups are painful, terrible experiences generally. Unfortunately, they are a central part of the process of getting to the one you were ultimately meant to meet. Every relationship helps us learn to be a better partner, and to appreciate the person we date next. You'll get through this, and meet someone even more amazing than your ex down the road. You sound like a great guy--thoughtful, insightful, open to learning and growing from your life experiences. Best of luck in your journey forward! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author quest4more Posted October 9, 2017 Author Share Posted October 9, 2017 You'll get through this, and meet someone even more amazing than your ex down the road. Thank you for your support Angel. Unfortunately, this is my greatest source of anxiety - the fear that I won’t find another like her again. She had such freedom to explore the world and such an amazing social circle and had such an alluring body and style and we had such intense attraction to each other until the end... The dark side is that her avoidant behavior made her appear to lack loyalty (not fidelity as far as I know) in my eyes and those of my friend’s. I didn’t have the confidence to deal with that ... and I let it get way outta hand. Point is ... on paper, this woman is hard to beat. I’ve dated since, and none of the women compare - an unfair circumstance with unreasonable expectations to hold them to, but it is unavoidable at this point. An opportunity exists for me to bring what my ex brought to the table in my future relationships... but I’m late to the ballgame in that regard because, although I’m evolving emotionally and spiritually, it took her a decade and more to build that lifestyle. You just don’t encounter a woman like that everyday... but I’m open to perspective changing suggestions if you have any! - Quest Link to post Share on other sites
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