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-   -   The confusion of being blindsided (http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/636753-confusion-being-blindsided)

Trust666 6th October 2017 12:27 AM

The confusion of being blindsided
 
Bit long, but don't we all say that. Bit of a rant and trying to get some clarity.

Approximately 25 years ago I met a wonderful young woman and dated her for 9 months. I was a 19-year-old kid, she was 18/19. She was the 2nd woman I ever had sex with, we had a lot of it, 2 young kids madly "in love". She broke up with me as I was drifting away after 9 months. I was immature and could not tell her she smothered me, and was a lot to handle. Very hyper and can talk way too much. She overwhelmed me in minutes. She latched on to me for the next 6 months, called constantly, bothered our common friends etc. Finally, we went our separate ways. I went to her house one day when I was about 23 to apologize for how I treated her. I had a lot of regrets and felt terrible. I was informed by her mother she lived in DC and was moving to Australia after she got married.

22 years later I moved to my father's hometown after a bad breakup involving an alcoholic and a lost house. Facebook was now a thing and this woman was on my Friend's list. As fate would have it she lived in the same town, but she was married and moving to Virginia in a couple days.

February of this year I got a PM, she was back in the area, she moved home alone and was getting a divorce. Turns out she moved to Virginia with her husband to start fresh, he had cheated. Of course, he didn't change his ways and she came home. She was very depressed and seemed to feel she had failed. Very self-conscious about how people viewed her two divorces. Both due to infidelity. The chat went great and lasted over an hour. Then the next night I get a PM, we should catch up in person. 2 days later another PM session, and sex came up. Nothing direct between the 2 of us just a general conversation. I apologized for the way I treated her 25 years prior, and a great weight was lifted. 2 days later I got a text "you are hard to read....will you have sympathy sex with me?". I said it wouldn't be sympathy sex and it might be fun but might not be too smart.

2 weeks later I see her in person again for the 1st time in 25 years, she was more beautiful than ever. I was smitten in seconds. She still talked a lot, was very insecure even more so now. 15 minutes later we were making out and had the best sex I ever had, it lasted for 2 days. The 1st night she told me she always loved me (red flag) and I figured that was OK as we had a history. I was an idiot in hindsight. She also told me she wanted to start a life with me (red flag) again I idealized knowing her previously. One day after we got back together she sent me a text...."everything good ends bad, I don't think I can do this." I told her I understood and offered her my friendship, she said she didn't want to be friends, then asked "is that what you want?", I said no. Another red flag, I ignored it. So we continued our relationship for 6 more months.

About month 2 I realized I was in love with her, and I was in big trouble. She was still clingy, overwhelming, talks too much etc but this time around I loved that about her. I loved her flaws. Things were going really fast (red flag), I ignored it again. Everything was great, my business hit a snag the last 3 months. I am self-employed so I made adjustments and realized it could take months. During this time she left money without me knowing. I had gifts and hate accepting money. Especially when I am poor.

Fast forward to our last weekend together, at this point everything seemed fine. Looking back the last Thursday we were together her texts were odd but not enough to make me worry. Anyway, we had plans to go to the beach but it was raining and she had work to do at home. However, she still planned to drop her son off at her parents and we went down the shore. We had sex, she said she loved me as always, she made future plans with me. I fell asleep with her head on my chest. The next day we went home, she told me she would see me the following weekend, I never saw her again. Hours later I called her and she dumped me.

I was shocked, blindsided. She was screaming about me wasting my potential, me saying I was poor, told me I needed a weekly paycheck, etc. Telling me I was not longterm. Two days later my business planning/adjustments kicked in, a month later I have over 13k in my bank account. 4 days after she broke up with me she called me and we talked for 2 hours. Suddenly she dumped me for other reasons. She told me the most absurd story about legal trouble and drugs, apparently, this had something to do with dumping me. I knew she was lying. The last hour of the conversation was her telling me I was her white whale...just mean, the false hope she spewed was just cruel. A week later I got a text "forget about me for the time being, we will reconnect later, we can be friends someday." Of course, I asked "what's his name?". She blew a gasket. I told her we could not be friends and said this was it, goodbye. I went NC.

Less than a week later she texted me on a Sunday and asked if I sent her a book. I said "I did not, maybe it's the new guy you spent the weekend with, mail doesn't come on Sundays." Again she blew a gasket.

I now know she left me for another man, she admitted they talked a couple time while we were together. She told me she also waited a WHOLE week before being physical with him. LOL like this was some sort of thing to say to calm me down. I knew his name, and lots about him. Turns out my sister knows him and asked me if I was still seeing my ex. I asked why and was told "I heard she is going out with one of my friends and was confused because I thought she was with you".

I immediately burnt ever bridge to protect myself. I also not only went NC I blocked her and insisted she delete all my info and never talk to me again. I did not want to reconnect or be friends, it would never work. I also sent her all the money I owed her, I also sent her a screenshot of my account just so she knew business had turned around. I am embarrassed I did that now, it was rubbing it in her face. Then again she left me for another man not being poor as she originally said.

I had trust issues to begin with, as did she. We swore if things did not work out we would be honest and gentle with one another. I never knew this woman to lie, I trusted her with my life. I was patient with her. I thought we were both in love, I saw no signs. She was just as clingy, and the sex did not drop off it just got more and more intense. Now she is with some guy she went to highschool with...and he is nothing like me. Physically it shocks me she is dating him. Not to bash looks but he's nothing like anyone she dated or married, he's not remotely attractive. My sister even said he is nothing like me at all. The blow to the ego is just immense.

I have since found out she lied to me about when she left her husband, it was 2 months and not 7. She lied to me about the year they got married. She lied to me when we broke up. I have no idea what way is up, what she ever told me that was real. The person I trusted most in life is now the shadiest person. My trust is totally gone, it was bad when we met but now it's a trainwreck.

From the sweetest clingiest all over me woman to cold, distant, and dishonest. I don;t recognize who she is when she talks to me.

Logically I know it's my ego, she's not worth it, etc. But my emotions as usual get in the way. I am a mess, so bad I am moving halfway across the country and I made sure to burn every bridge with her. She is dangerous to me, as much as I try to hate her and I do often I still love her. Someone that never truly existed. I don't even trust my self.

A 24-year journey that ended in a nightmare I could have never imagined. The universe is weird like that.

She used me to fill a void I think, 2 months after a failed marriage and in hindsight the red flags, which included her constantly talking about how much she hated her husband. I'm an idiot for ignoring all the red flags....lol total trainwreck.

Downtown 6th October 2017 2:38 AM

Trust, I suggest you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs to see if most sound very familiar. I suspect you will immediately recognize most of them. If so, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells and raises questions, I would be glad to discuss them with you.

Of course, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your exGF's issues. Although strong BPD symptoms are easy to spot, only a professional can determine whether they are so severe as to constitute full-blown BPD. Yet, like learning warning signs for a stroke or heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., avoid taking her back and avoid running into the arms of another woman who is just like her. Take care, Trust.

Trust666 6th October 2017 1:42 PM

Thanks, Downtown. I suspect she is more of a "serial monogamist" type. Having known her for 25 years she is rarely single and rarely dates. She seems to pick from folks she already knows. About the only characteristic, she does not meet is she is in her 40s.

Recently she went from me, her first serious boyfriend in college and now some guy she went to high school with. She's never single for long and seems to think 1 week being single is a feat. When she told me she was single for a whole week between us splitting I was hurt and offended. I am not the controlling type, and she can do as she pleases. But she most certainly monkey branched as she always does.

Many days I believe she left me due to my life, like her I am in a transitional period, she seems to want a man who is stable. This is also fine, she is allowed to have what she wants, but I found it a little hypocritical. I was willing to wait for her. She even said to me "would you wait a year for someone?". I said yes I would if I loved them....the odd thing is she said this after she broke up with me. I thought maybe she was asking me to be patient, but then I found out she had another guy already lined up. She also kept saying we would reconnect in better times, to which I replied...."I have no desire to reconnect unless it's romantic, I don't want to be friends with someone I can't be indifferent toward". I don't think I can ever be indifferent with her. For 25 years I compared every woman to her.

She also kept repeating "what I want to do and what I have to do are two different things". Of course, I analyze these things. I think she was saying I want to be with you but I have a son so I need to be with someone stable.

Then again she could have just been out of love with me, which quite frankly I could not see as things were just getting more and more intense. BUT I realize I may have been fed lines to assuage her guilt/stress and or she may not be who I thought she was.

She was making future plans, telling me she loved me, and having really crazy sex with me hours before the breakup.

This is why I burnt all bridges, this woman is dangerous to me, I don't know that I could resist her so I made it so she would never come back.

I've never been more confused or heartbroken, and I been with 2 other women for approximately a decade each. I walked away from both of them and never looked back. I also am friendly with them and totally indifferent about their lives. In fact, one is getting married and invited me to her wedding, I was with her for 13 years and it didn't even phase me she is getting married.

I'm usually a rock when dumped, now I'm a confused lump of jelly lol.

Downtown 6th October 2017 7:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Trust666 (Post 7432264)
I suspect she is more of a "serial monogamist" type.

Trust, her being a "serial monogamist" does not rule out BPD. On the contrary, all the BPDers I've known are serial monogamists. They hate to be alone for very long and thus usually seek out a LTR with one mate. When they have a second BF waiting in the wings, it is usually because they have such a great abandonment fear that they want the assurance of having someone to fall back on if their mate leaves them.

Quote:

Having known her for 25 years she is rarely single and rarely dates.... She's never single for long and seems to think 1 week being single is a feat.
As noted above, BPDers (i.e., those on the upper third of the BPD spectrum) HATE to be alone for very long. The main reason is that a BPDer has such a weak, unstable self identity that she lacks a strong sense of who she really is. This means that, when she is alone all by herself, she doesn't even have a sense of "self" to keep herself company.

She therefore is attracted to men having a strong personality because they can supply the missing self identity -- and can help ground her and provide a steady sense of purpose and direction. But when you do exactly that -- i.e., provide what she sorely needs and wants -- she will resent you for "controlling" her and suffocating her. Like a small child, a BPDer strongly needs parental direction and support but, at the same time, will resent it when it is provided. And she will resent it when you DON'T provide it. This occurs because a BPDer typically has the emotional development of a four year old.

Quote:

She seems to want a man who is stable.
If she is a BPDer, she is emotionally unstable and thus will seek out a stable man who can provide the grounding and direction she desires. This instability will be evident in the way a BPDer can flip, in only ten seconds, between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (devaluing you). This means, of course, that BPDer relationships are notorious for a repeating cycle of push-you-away (creating a fight over nothing) and pull-you-back (providing love bombing and intense makeup sex).

Quote:

She could have just been out of love with me, which quite frankly I could not see as things were just getting more and more intense.
Perhaps so. Yet, if she is a BPDer, she can love you but suddenly be completely out of touch with that love for weeks or months. Like a young child, a BPDer cannot handle dealing with two strong conflicting feelings at the same time. Her subconscious solves this problem by putting the conflicting feeling (e.g., love) completely out of reach of her conscious mind. Then, an hour or a month later -- when one of her fears is triggered -- she can be back in touch with that love.

If this behavior seems strange, remember that you've seen it many times a day in the behavior of a young girl. She will love and adore Daddy when he is bringing out the toys but, in a few seconds, will flip to hating Daddy when he takes one toy away. This immature way of thinking is called "black-white thinking." The result of this all-or-nothing view of other people is that -- like a young child -- a BPDer will categorize everyone close to her as "all good" (white) or "all bad" (black). And she will recategorize someone, in less than a minute, from one polar extreme to the other. There is no gray area because that would require her to deal with two strong conflicting feelings at the same time.

Quote:

She was making future plans, telling me she loved me, and having really crazy sex with me hours before the breakup.
As I noted above, a BPDer typically flips between adoring you and devaluing you in less than a minute. And a month or two later, she can flip back just as quickly.

Quote:

This woman is dangerous to me.... I've never been more confused or heartbroken.... I'm a confused lump of jelly lol.
If you really were dating a BPDer for 6 months -- one you had been desiring for 25 years -- you should consider yourself lucky that you are only feeling "confused." Because BPDers typically are convinced that the absurd allegations coming out of their mouths are absolutely true -- they generally have a greater "crazy-making" effect than can ever be achieved by narcissists or sociopaths.

This is why that, of the 157 mental disorders listed in the APA's diagnostic manual, BPD is the one most notorious for making the abused partners feel like they may be losing their minds. And this is largely why therapists typically see far more of those abused partners -- coming in to find out if they are going insane -- than they ever see of the BPDers themselves.

Nothing will drive you crazier sooner than being repeatedly abused by a partner whom you know, to a certainty, must really love you. The reason is that you will be mistakenly convinced that, if only you can figure out what YOU are doing wrong, you can restore your partner to that wonderful human being you saw at the very beginning.

Quote:

I'm an idiot for ignoring all the red flags.
Trust, did you find that most of the 18 BPD Warning Signs seem to apply strongly to your exGF's behavior? If so, and if you would like to discuss these red flags, it would be helpful if you would tell us which signs are very strong and which are very weak or nonexistent.

Trust666 6th October 2017 10:29 PM

7. Low self esteem; - although I think this had something to do with her being cheated on by her last husband, and the previous husband, and originally, with the guy she dated at 18 who never gave her closure (me lol). I did not cheat on her but I drifted away until she broke up with me. Last we talked she had more self-esteem and it was building as we dated. I knew she felt important to me and I valued her immensely. I suspect she started to get more esteem as more men told her how beautiful she was...and eventually, she gave into temptation and left me. Of course, I am not controlling so it is what it is. I am happy she was feeling better, but we definitely reversed roles at the end. I'm an artist, my esteem is affected by women who love it at first but realize it's a simple and often times frugal life. She also always looked to me for reassurance, insisted I tell her how to dress etc. I would always say you dress how you like, and you're always beautiful to me.

9. Fear of abandonment or being alone - she was terrified I would leave her or things would not work out, until she dumped me then she seemed like she couldn't be bothered. I also suffer from this, I don't trust people. Even if they are honest folks, biochemistry happens. People get tempted etc. Plus I was abandoned by my father at age 5. The roles reversed. In the beginning, she was terrified things would not work or I would get sick of her. However, I ended up being this person after she dumped me. She also suddenly was able to say things like "deal with it, we did not work out, that is life". I couldn't believe it.

13. Mirroring your personality and preferences so perfectly during the courtship period (e.g., enjoying everything and everyone you like) that you were convinced you had met your "soul mate;" - this is her, she tends to get along with everyone and at 18 and again with our past relationship she totally became what she thought I wanted.

16. Having many casual friends but not any close long-term friends - to be honest I have never ever met her friends. At 18 and most recently I know one good friend's name but have never met her. She tends to hang out with her SO's crowd and SO or her sister whom she lives with.

17. Taking on the personality of whatever person she is talking to, thereby acting quite differently around different types of people; - this is her, it used to annoy me but this time around I loved it. She can sound really cheesy trying to fit in with certain folks.

18. Always convinced that her intense feelings accurately reflect reality -- to the point that she regards her own feelings as self-evident facts, despite her inability to support them with any hard evidence. - her anxiety often times led to the old self-fulfilling prophecy and no one could convince her to take a step back and think through things.

Downtown 8th October 2017 8:00 AM

Trust, are you saying that these six behaviors are the only ones of the 18 warning signs that apply strongly to her? If so, you are not describing a strong pattern of BPD behavior because that would require at least 10 of the signs.

Trust666 8th October 2017 4:10 PM

That's what I am saying.

I've gotten a better idea now of what happened. I'm adjusting and realizing I am glad she left....I don't need friends of 24 years who become girlfriends who then break my trust.

Everything was fine until 4 days before the breakup, she talked to an old high school friend and even mentioned it. Now she is with him. She admitted they talked and admitted she would also feel trust was violated if tables were turned.

She's chasing the oxytocin because as she says "she is damaged". She never tried to work on our relationship or even mentioned problems, and frankly she used me for 6 months of sex and to fill a void while waiting for the "one". The "one" is now an extremely overweight guy who looks 20 years older than he is. I wish him luck lol.

Trust666 8th October 2017 4:12 PM

She did the same thing to me her ex did to her....the irony has not escaped me.

Freesia120 9th October 2017 12:06 AM

I agree with the poster who mentioned BPD. It has you wondering if we are the ones who have issues or the person herself. Thankfully after thinking rationally you have decided to guard your heart. I'm not sure why we always think or like to believe that somebody might change, after all the older you are the wiser you are supposed to be right?

I'm glad you are strong enough and have cut all contact with her from now on. This is better for the sake of your sanity, you have been in love with a ghost all along, you are so much better off without her.

Although I haven't known my ex for as long as you have known yours this needy behavior you describe with your ex is something I recognize all too well.

I broke NC after a week and you'll never guess it hurts so bad right now, I felt like someone sprinkled salt and rubbed it on a badly infected wound somewhere on my body. I've been so disoriented and confused after speaking to my ex a few days ago. He broke up with me and a month later asks to be friends with me.
I told him twice I can't do the buddy thing but he still insists on texts and when I don't text back he calls me. I've had to block him, I was rubbing my heart in circular motions yesterday to calm myself down.
He has a new woman but still wants to stay in touch with me and continues to act as though nothing happened between us.
Continue with the NC, protect and keep your heart from her.

This woman has lost her privileges with you and you can no longer carry her along, her baggage is too much. All the best and may you find some peace of mind soon.

Trust666 13th October 2017 4:38 PM

Freesia120, if I can offer some advice to maybe why he keeps reaching out.

Often times people want to move on to a new lifestyle or person and when things seem to not be as they expected they need a backup plan. I hope you are staying NC. I also wish you luck, I know it's not easy BUT perhaps new beginnings are what happen.

I broke NC recently also, we had some issues not related to us to attend to. Let's just say all my anger came out in the form of an email. As I said I am not one to usually burn bridges but I really needed to and will continue to do so.

When someone claims to care about you, and was your first girlfriend and 24 years later your last girlfriend you expect some respect. I got no face to face, I spent all day with her, half of it being intimate. In the end I called her that night and she seemed upset, I asked what was wrong and basically got broken up with but given no real reasons.

Some folks are very selfish and cowardly, it happens.

I've come to the realization that the girl I loved so much and seemed to be happy with me was not who she was previously or who she pretended to be. I also realized much of it is my ego. When someone seems so "obsessed" and into you to the point you become so confident they will never betray and then turns cold instantly and moves on....it's my ego hurting. I also hate the fact that someone totally opposite of me is getting some great sex while I sit at home watching Halloween movies. It's now down to egos and sex. The sex was the most intense and crazy sex I ever had and we had just begun.

The mental images of her being so vulnerable, scared, insecure, loving and sincere laying next to me night after night we spent together were not real and or people change.

So now I head halfway across the country for a new job in a land where I know no one, BUT I'm on a mission. I will pay off my debt and build the simple life I always wanted and she said she wanted. She can have her new life, I will have mine....and I am not quitting until I have what I want. Simple and secure working in a field many dream of.

The best revenge is success and happiness...time and determination are all I need.

Highndry 13th October 2017 6:20 PM

Sorry you're having to experience this. I am extremely confused by some of these behaviors in women. I'd like to thank "Downtown" for sharing that list of 18 traits of BPD. I am not one to want to try to diagnose somebody who may have a mental illness, but that list is a real eye opener for me. My ex displays almost every characteristic with the exception of maybe two. It's no wonder I became so exhausted.

Been 13th October 2017 7:21 PM

Oh wow. My ex had about 14 of those traits. And they were described accurate: she's always the victim, could flip on people on a dime, would get verbally nasty in seconds, would sulk over a minor incident for weeks,etc. Wow. No wonder I always felt like walking on eggs shells.


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