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why was my ex with me for 2.5 years if there was no sexual chemistry?


Breaks and Breaking Up It happens to most everyone at some point in life! Share your experiences!

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Old 4th October 2017, 7:00 PM   #1
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why was my ex with me for 2.5 years if there was no sexual chemistry?

Ok have to ask as this one is doing my head in.....

Dated an awesome guy for 2.5 years. We were so suited for each other and ticked the box for every single thing we were both looking for in a life partner...except the bedroom.

First year was decent but then sex tapered off...we talked about it and he said that there isnt chemistry in the bedroom and that it just didnt flow. He did mostly keep an erection but probably only came 1/3 of the time. He did once say that he was physically attracted to me because he could keep the erection but that its in his head and he has had this before with a couple women.

Shortly there after he lost his business, was unemployed and then his mom died so of course the sex tapered off even more and we didnt even try to work on It (after saying we would numerous times and both agreeing that we would not break up for this).
He asked me to move in (saying that we would have more of an opportunity to work on our bedroom issues as we would be together every night), said I was someone he would have kids with and does see me as a life partner material....then a day before i was suppose to move in he breaks up with me saying that everything else was absolutely perfect and exactly what he is looking for but without the intimacy it wont work.
I get that...but seriously....wouldnt you know the lack of chemistry aftr a few months and then break up??? why drag someone through a 2.5 year relationship to only break up because of something you have known from the beginning?

After our breakup I finally admited and faced the fact that I had major sexual hang-ups and that I dont enjoy sex and I cannot get emotionally there and be 'open'. I struggled with this from my mid 20s (now I am 39 years old) due to past sexual trauma. I admited this to him (which is a HUGE step for me) and said I would seek a sex therapist on my own to work out these issues and I asked him if he would consider seeing one together and work on this issue together. Give it a time limit and if it still doesnt work then we would break up - no hard feelings. AFter a lot of humming and hawing...he basically said he doesnt think its something that we can work on as there was no chemistry from the very beginning

He admits that he has trouble with long term relationships and is picky and doesnt know what he wants. Our relationship was the longest he has ever had (he is 39 years old) and prior to that his longest relationship was 1.5 years but very on and off.
He has always had many girlfriends but most last 3-5 months where he dumps them because they were not compatible.

WHAT GIVES? How and why did a "sexually charged" man stay in a relationship for so long when he knew from the start there was no chemistry??? This has completly done my head in as I seriously saw the relationship and its foundation as so strong and that we would work on this. He showed ZERO signs of the pending break up right to the very day!!!
Now I feel like it was all just an illusion because he he was genuine in how he portrayed the relationship to be he wouldnt just dump me without at least trying.....
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Old 6th October 2017, 12:38 AM   #2
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easier to keep the boat going straight than to stop and jump off...

Quote:
Originally Posted by happygolucky12 View Post
...He did mostly keep an erection but probably only came 1/3 of the time.

...After our breakup I finally admited and faced the fact that I had major sexual hang-ups and that I dont enjoy sex and I cannot get emotionally there and be 'open'. I struggled with this from my mid 20s (now I am 39 years old) due to past sexual trauma...


WHAT GIVES? How and why did a "sexually charged" man stay in a relationship for so long when he knew from the start there was no chemistry???
He doesn't sound like a sexually charged bull and you don't sound like you were much for it either? So was it him who didn't want sex? Or you? Or both?

It sounds like he finally got his balls under himself enough to end it. He was comfortable enough without the bedroom stuff to keep it going. Also, losing a job and life trauma typically results in hunker down behavior elsewhere in life.

Total conjecture, but it's hard to keep hiding a porn addiction and odd kinks when your gf hates sex. And it's sometimes hard to give up your comfort binky when life gets tough.
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Old 6th October 2017, 3:31 AM   #3
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Quote:
Originally Posted by happygolucky12 View Post
I get that...but seriously....wouldnt you know the lack of chemistry aftr a few months and then break up??? why drag someone through a 2.5 year relationship to only break up because of something you have known from the beginning?
Well to be fair he DID know about it, and he DID discuss it with you. You said the first year was decent but after that it tapered off and you talked about it and he said there wasn't chemistry? So unless that issue was fixed, which it clearly wasn't, it shouldn't really have come as a surprise that there's still no chemistry.

You have sexual hang-ups and don't enjoy sex, this could be a major factor to explain why he wasn't able to perform. If you're lying there, not being emotionally there or "open", then that could be a major buzzkill for him. Some guys would just get on with it but for others it would be a mood killer.

I'm not trying to blame it all on you. But I don't think you can blame it all on him, either. You knew about these issues, he knew that you knew, you'd discussed it. But as you state, he decided to split up rather than working on the issue. Unfortunately the foundation of your relationship was not as strong as you thought (at least for him).
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