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Unchartered waters in break-up


Breaks and Breaking Up It happens to most everyone at some point in life! Share your experiences!

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Old 3rd October 2017, 12:12 PM   #1
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Unchartered waters in break-up

The ex broke it off with me back in June. We stayed friends even hung out a few times. But I soon went into NC (with limited contact, text message maybe once every few weeks. I know NC means NC) I was doing better.

I went and spoke with someone a couple times and about two months after the break-up I was feeling pretty good. Working out, lost 30 pounds. Doing well at work, met some new friends, etc. I missed her but knew we were done, that there was no going back even though the break up was all of a sudden and a total blind side.

Well coming up on 3 1/2 months, I am down 50 pounds, hitting the gym 4-5 times a week, watching what I am eating. Went on a cruise for 5 days (had a good time though, missed her on the cruise as we had taken two during our relationship) work is good, up for a promotion. I have even kinda got back in the dating game, nothing serious. Set to attend Halloween Horror nights with some friends, making a weekend trip out of it.

About 5 days ago, I do not know why. I have started missing her. Like really bad. Havent had any real contact with her, (some limited, texts but nothing in the way of feeling type stuff) She then contacted me last night and advised she wanted to come get the rest of her stuff from the house this weekend. No problem (few minor boxes in a spare room) but I am feeling bad especially over last few days. Now I have been married, had several other relationships, some have gotten me down but none like this. I have had only really one other relationship that when it ended it bothered me. Took me about 2 months and I was good. I have never started healing and then relapsed like this, the pain right now is almost as bad as when I found out we were done. This is almost 4 months into the break up.

I am still going to the gym, doing all those things I have come to do now in the new life (life without the ex) set to have a daughter and dad date night tonight and still set to hang with friends on Friday. But I have this knot in my stomach, this feeling, I miss her and even to the point of just wanting to see her. (I know that is not the thing to do) its weird and crazy. Has anyone else healed and then relapsed? And if so what did you do? Any advice would be great.

Thanks for reading.
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Old 3rd October 2017, 12:22 PM   #2
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Grieving a break up is basically the same as grieving a death. A person will go through stages. They go through the stages differently than someone else too. And, the length of time for that grieving varies as well. How long you are in a particular stage is also different. And, sometimes, people vacillate back and forth between the stages. Everyone is different. On top of that, there are sometimes triggers that cause a person to revert. So, if you can identify something that triggered the response, try to eliminate it or just realize it was just a trigger. Everyone is different in grief. What's important is YOUR grieving process.

Some people find it useful to allow themselves a period of time each day, say 1/2 an hour, to sit with a feeling or set of feelings and cry, write, just feel. At the end of that time, they force themselves to do something else -- anything else to distract from it all. It's good to grieve but do it in little bits, like steam from a tea kettle. It lets off a little steam so that it doesn't boil over. Be good to yourself. Do something nice every day, even if it's just a little thing. Over time, you will find that you need less and less of that 1/2 hour each day.
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Old 3rd October 2017, 1:28 PM   #3
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I think its because you aren't done with her. Rather it works out or not remains to be seen but I think you might have too many "what its" concerning the relationship and you need them answered.
If the two of you still talk somewhat maybe you should tell her you would like to discuss somethings that seem to be bothering you.
Why did you break up?
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Old 4th October 2017, 1:31 PM   #4
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Originally Posted by Been View Post
I think its because you aren't done with her. Rather it works out or not remains to be seen but I think you might have too many "what its" concerning the relationship and you need them answered.
If the two of you still talk somewhat maybe you should tell her you would like to discuss somethings that seem to be bothering you.
Why did you break up?
Things were good, or rather seemed good. She had a ton on her plate. dealing with her mom's cancer (4th time) dealing with a terrible job that she hated to the very core, dealing with a step-dad who was treating her mom bad, to name just a few. But we came together during this. We had discussed maybe living together, plans of up-coming vacations, we even mentioned about down the road about marriage, she said it would have to figure in at some point because she wouldn't be someone's girlfriend forever.

Well her mom got better or was getting better. She managed to get a new career while she was away from her job assisting her mom. Soon after taking her job I could feel something was wrong. So I did as any one would do, 'Hey is everything alright, etc? I asked once, it happened on Fathers Day (Never forget it) I got told, I was not a priority, well I was just not a top priority. We talked a bit and by weeks end she called it off, we had gotten in a fight one night and she said. "I'm done with this." a week before this, she told me. "You are my world, and I do not know what I would do without you. I love you so much, I never want a life that does not include you."

Well the next couple weeks we didn't talk all that much, I mean like none. Then out of nowhere, she wanted to meet and talk. At that meeting she told me. She was concentrating on her new career, she was going to be selfish. She was always thinking of others first but not this time. To try and make this a bit shorter (sorry so long) It seemed soon after getting her job she changed.



Quote:
Originally Posted by Redhead14 View Post
Grieving a break up is basically the same as grieving a death. A person will go through stages. They go through the stages differently than someone else too. And, the length of time for that grieving varies as well. How long you are in a particular stage is also different. And, sometimes, people vacillate back and forth between the stages. Everyone is different. On top of that, there are sometimes triggers that cause a person to revert. So, if you can identify something that triggered the response, try to eliminate it or just realize it was just a trigger. Everyone is different in grief. What's important is YOUR grieving process.

Some people find it useful to allow themselves a period of time each day, say 1/2 an hour, to sit with a feeling or set of feelings and cry, write, just feel. At the end of that time, they force themselves to do something else -- anything else to distract from it all. It's good to grieve but do it in little bits, like steam from a tea kettle. It lets off a little steam so that it doesn't boil over. Be good to yourself. Do something nice every day, even if it's just a little thing. Over time, you will find that you need less and less of that 1/2 hour each day.
Thanks Red, I started out writing in a journal. Might need to think about picking it back up.
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Old 4th October 2017, 2:13 PM   #5
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It kills me when a dumper carelessly throws out those words then ends the relationship shortly there after. I don't get it as I've never done nor would ever do that. I digress.

3 months can be a tough time because reality has finally set in. Like "Wow. This isn't bs, this is for real". You weren't over her and you're still not. There is no timetable on healing but breaking all contact will speed it up. I would just mail her stuff as seeing her will set you back.

As far as the new job a similar thing happened to me. She started a new hobby that she wanted to turn into a career potentially. There was this great thing with all new people and I all of a sudden wasn't so great anymore. Nothing you can do but walk and don't look back.

Bravo on the weight loss - I dropped 40 lbs myself but it was due to lack of appetite. I like my new weight so I decided to keep it.

Sounds like you really loved her. If so, this will take longer than you think. I'm 13 months out and still affected by the breakup but it's gotten much better. It's just a matter of time before I'm over it completely and I'm taking every day as a learning experience and have grown tremendously as a result.

Don't bottle things up but don't let it run your life. You'll get through this - we all will.
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Old 5th October 2017, 9:13 AM   #6
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Originally Posted by SevenCity View Post
It kills me when a dumper carelessly throws out those words then ends the relationship shortly there after. I don't get it as I've never done nor would ever do that. I digress.

3 months can be a tough time because reality has finally set in. Like "Wow. This isn't bs, this is for real". You weren't over her and you're still not. There is no timetable on healing but breaking all contact will speed it up. I would just mail her stuff as seeing her will set you back.

As far as the new job a similar thing happened to me. She started a new hobby that she wanted to turn into a career potentially. There was this great thing with all new people and I all of a sudden wasn't so great anymore. Nothing you can do but walk and don't look back.

Bravo on the weight loss - I dropped 40 lbs myself but it was due to lack of appetite. I like my new weight so I decided to keep it.

Sounds like you really loved her. If so, this will take longer than you think. I'm 13 months out and still affected by the breakup but it's gotten much better. It's just a matter of time before I'm over it completely and I'm taking every day as a learning experience and have grown tremendously as a result.

Don't bottle things up but don't let it run your life. You'll get through this - we all will.
Many thanks for sharing. There is way to much to mail, includes a 50 inch TV, entertainment center, etc. I will just have to deal with it. But you are correct, I really love her and should realize it is going to take more then a couple months to fully be at peace with this. As I said, I really thought we were moving forward in building our lives together.

Thanks again.
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Old 5th October 2017, 1:09 PM   #7
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Originally Posted by Seth0194 View Post
Many thanks for sharing. There is way to much to mail, includes a 50 inch TV, entertainment center, etc. I will just have to deal with it. But you are correct, I really love her and should realize it is going to take more then a couple months to fully be at peace with this. As I said, I really thought we were moving forward in building our lives together.

Thanks again.
Glad I could help bro.

My ex moving out involved a moving truck and 8 hours to pack with me doing most of the work. She was crying as if I ended things (including saying how she loved me, I'm the best looking guy she's ever met, giving me a bj, maybe we'll get back together one day, etc). Strange is an understatement for that day.

Interestingly, I was relieved it was over being physically and mentally exhausted. I finally had to say goodbye as she came back after staring at me for like 2 minutes strait on my walkway.

I was surprised that I was ok with it - until a week later. It hit me like a metric ton of bricks and bought me to places of misery, depression, and loneliness I've never been before. To say it was the most difficult and painful experience of my life doesn't do it justice. The worst of it lasted about 10 months. But, as time went on, it got easier.

I've been all over the map with it where some days I'm glad and some days I'm severely depressed. You'll have your ups and downs as well.

I still think about her daily but it doesn't hurt nearly as it once did. My hope is by two years I'll be completely healed. I never thought I would get this far but now I'm confident I will reach my goal of indifference. I'm confident you will as well.

The only way out is through brother. Your only choice is to come out the other side better or worse. Choose the former.

Build a life that makes you complete without a woman and be whole alone so you never suffer this pain again. Start dating as soon as you can so you'll be ready when the next great love comes along. She'll be better because you will be better too.
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Old 15th October 2017, 10:29 AM   #8
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So move day came and went. She never showed, she had her brother text me at noon and I explained to him 200-215 pm (her brother was gonna help her) I text at 150 pm and said that I was home. 330 pm I had heard nothing, so I text her again asking if they were coming. At 420 pm she text me and said, I had told her brother 3 pm and that they got busy. She got nasty and said, I guess just throw my sh*t away. I don't know what the problem is, I just want my stuff.

How does someone get like this, I was there at the designated time, waited 2 1/2 hours for her to allow her access to the her stuff on a Saturday. Then when she doesn't show, she gets pissed saying throw my stuff away. WTF!!

Sorry venting here. I haven't spoke with her since, I spoke briefly with her mom, who told me. If she (my ex) cant be an adult and follow through, then maybe I should just throw it out.

Two friends said, we should load it up (her stuff) and take it to her, put it on her front lawn. I am tempted but again, I really don't want to be nasty, even though, I do not see this "friendship" working out.
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