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Dumped after 3 years of an amazing relationship


Breaks and Breaking Up It happens to most everyone at some point in life! Share your experiences!

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Old 3rd October 2017, 3:17 AM   #16
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Im gonna continue writing here giving updates as it seems to be helping me. I've successfully done an entire month of NC as of today, and I can say I'm pretty proud of that. Can't believe it's been that long already.

I feel like some progress is being made on the emotional side but overall its still pretty rough. My anxiety is pretty much gone and I've been left with this kind of apathy and emptiness inside. I'm exhausted, and I still cant enjoy much. Tomorrow my friend is gonna take me to his Brazilian Jiu Jitsu class so i have that to look forward too. I've been lucky to have good friends to take me out and keep me busy, but their patience is getting thin with me talking so much about my breakup. I can only say the same thing so many times before i start sounding like a broken record. I guess I should just vent here when I can, every time I talk about it i feel like a bit of weight is getting lifted off my chest.

My birthday is coming up fast and I don't know how I feel about it. Don't really feel like having a party. It's just gonna feel empty. My trip to Europe is in less than 2 weeks too. I hope I can at least enjoy that. I just miss her so much. I keep trying to just let go of hope, every morning I say to myself "it's over, she's gone" to convince myself of that reality. It's hard to accept. It's hard to not think about her, not to reminisce. I also get these thoughts of her with someone else and it makes me feel sick to think about. The intrusive thoughts are really the hardest to deal with.
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Old 4th October 2017, 9:55 AM   #17
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Im gonna continue writing here giving updates as it seems to be helping me. I've successfully done an entire month of NC as of today, and I can say I'm pretty proud of that. Can't believe it's been that long already.

I feel like some progress is being made on the emotional side but overall its still pretty rough. My anxiety is pretty much gone and I've been left with this kind of apathy and emptiness inside. I'm exhausted, and I still cant enjoy much. Tomorrow my friend is gonna take me to his Brazilian Jiu Jitsu class so i have that to look forward too. I've been lucky to have good friends to take me out and keep me busy, but their patience is getting thin with me talking so much about my breakup. I can only say the same thing so many times before i start sounding like a broken record. I guess I should just vent here when I can, every time I talk about it i feel like a bit of weight is getting lifted off my chest.

My birthday is coming up fast and I don't know how I feel about it. Don't really feel like having a party. It's just gonna feel empty. My trip to Europe is in less than 2 weeks too. I hope I can at least enjoy that. I just miss her so much. I keep trying to just let go of hope, every morning I say to myself "it's over, she's gone" to convince myself of that reality. It's hard to accept. It's hard to not think about her, not to reminisce. I also get these thoughts of her with someone else and it makes me feel sick to think about. The intrusive thoughts are really the hardest to deal with.

Hey Octavian, Keep up the good work!
it does get easier but you will realise your feelings will change the longer you go. the first month for me was unbelievably hard, i was sort of living in denial and still shocked that it all happened, then the 2nd and 3rd months i didnt feel so bad. I joined the gym and i was out with friends at every opportunity, but the 4th month (i am now 4 and a half months) onwards, i am feeling very lonely, things are starting to settle in that this is what its going to be like for a while. I have a 2 month travelling holiday in less than 2 months now and that is keeping me going. I had some weird news that was hard for me to take on the weekend that set me back a bit ( i wont bore you on here you can read my thread if you want to know) and ive been living with my parents the last couple of months and they are now on holiday for 2 weeks, i feel like i dont talk to many people.
Things get easier although different, keep up your Nc and look forward to your trip to Europe, where about are you going to ?
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Old 4th October 2017, 6:12 PM   #18
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Hey Octavian, Keep up the good work!
it does get easier but you will realise your feelings will change the longer you go. the first month for me was unbelievably hard, i was sort of living in denial and still shocked that it all happened, then the 2nd and 3rd months i didnt feel so bad. I joined the gym and i was out with friends at every opportunity, but the 4th month (i am now 4 and a half months) onwards, i am feeling very lonely, things are starting to settle in that this is what its going to be like for a while. I have a 2 month travelling holiday in less than 2 months now and that is keeping me going. I had some weird news that was hard for me to take on the weekend that set me back a bit ( i wont bore you on here you can read my thread if you want to know) and ive been living with my parents the last couple of months and they are now on holiday for 2 weeks, i feel like i dont talk to many people.
Things get easier although different, keep up your Nc and look forward to your trip to Europe, where about are you going to ?
Thanks man. Yeah the feelings definitely do change. Overall I'm not as devastated or anxious. I'm feeling different kinds of sadness all the time though, some of which I didn't even know existed. I think I'm at kind of a despair stage now because a month has passed and I haven't heard anything. I guess I had some hope she would've changed her mind by now but it doesn't seem to be happening so I have to deal with those emotions now. I think I won't say where exactly Im going publicly, theres already enough details here for whoever stumbles upon this to piece together my identity. But if you wanna know more or want to talk we can email about it if you'd like. I don't know if youd be interested but I feel like I kind of need someone who's in the same situation to talk stuff through. If you or anyone else is interested let me know.
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Old 5th October 2017, 3:39 AM   #19
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Thanks man. Yeah the feelings definitely do change. Overall I'm not as devastated or anxious. I'm feeling different kinds of sadness all the time though, some of which I didn't even know existed. I think I'm at kind of a despair stage now because a month has passed and I haven't heard anything. I guess I had some hope she would've changed her mind by now but it doesn't seem to be happening so I have to deal with those emotions now. I think I won't say where exactly Im going publicly, theres already enough details here for whoever stumbles upon this to piece together my identity. But if you wanna know more or want to talk we can email about it if you'd like. I don't know if youd be interested but I feel like I kind of need someone who's in the same situation to talk stuff through. If you or anyone else is interested let me know.
i do not have the ability to send PMs, im not too sure how it could go about...
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Old 5th October 2017, 6:10 AM   #20
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i do not have the ability to send PMs, im not too sure how it could go about...
Ah it's all good i just realized I don't have access to PMs either. Didn't realize this site limits PMs for new members. I'll just stick to posting in this thread then.
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Old 5th October 2017, 10:08 AM   #21
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Hey, Octavian.

Your story truly pulled at my heart strings because I am going through literally the same exact story as you. Was in a 3-year relationship in which 2 and a half years of it were extraordinary. Then it all came crashing down abruptly and I ended the relationship on August 6th. I ended it but I felt like he said and did things to make me want to end it because he didn't have the willpower to be as honest as your now ex of all the things he felt.

I truly thought I was going to marry this person. I was prepared to have this man be the my last and only. Making a serious commitment proved to be something he didn't want. When I flat out asked him why he didn't want to get engaged, all he could muster to say was "Look, I think you're great."

He changed his profile picture to just him. We both did. But I kept some of the past ones I had in my profile pictures album. I didn't delete them and he didn't delete his. I would check his Facebook every day to see if his were still up. Yesterday, he took all of them down, every single one.

It's crazy how you can make such great progress and then have it all come crashing down over something that used to seem so stupid.

I know you said you have had past experience with long-term relationships and so have I. And you're absolutely right. It doesn't make anything any easier. People telling me "You'll find someone else" doesn't bring any comfort. People telling me to look back on my past relationships and realize how I got over them so I can surely get over this one doesn't help me at all. Nobody should have to see love die. I've witnessed it happen like this twice.

It brings me comfort to find someone who is going through the exact same thing as me and who is going through it at the same exact time. It's tough. It's extremely tough. And I have no idea how I'm getting through it so I can't really offer you advice but at least we are getting through it.
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Old 5th October 2017, 5:46 PM   #22
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Hey, Octavian.

Your story truly pulled at my heart strings because I am going through literally the same exact story as you. Was in a 3-year relationship in which 2 and a half years of it were extraordinary. Then it all came crashing down abruptly and I ended the relationship on August 6th. I ended it but I felt like he said and did things to make me want to end it because he didn't have the willpower to be as honest as your now ex of all the things he felt.

I truly thought I was going to marry this person. I was prepared to have this man be the my last and only. Making a serious commitment proved to be something he didn't want. When I flat out asked him why he didn't want to get engaged, all he could muster to say was "Look, I think you're great."

He changed his profile picture to just him. We both did. But I kept some of the past ones I had in my profile pictures album. I didn't delete them and he didn't delete his. I would check his Facebook every day to see if his were still up. Yesterday, he took all of them down, every single one.

It's crazy how you can make such great progress and then have it all come crashing down over something that used to seem so stupid.

I know you said you have had past experience with long-term relationships and so have I. And you're absolutely right. It doesn't make anything any easier. People telling me "You'll find someone else" doesn't bring any comfort. People telling me to look back on my past relationships and realize how I got over them so I can surely get over this one doesn't help me at all. Nobody should have to see love die. I've witnessed it happen like this twice.

It brings me comfort to find someone who is going through the exact same thing as me and who is going through it at the same exact time. It's tough. It's extremely tough. And I have no idea how I'm getting through it so I can't really offer you advice but at least we are getting through it.
Hi writersblock,
I'm so sorry you're having to go through this pain as well. But it does bring comfort knowing theres others out there who are suffering just like me. I just wish we didn't have to. It truly is the worst kind of pain out there. Looking back on my situation I can't help but wonder if my ex was trying to get me to break up with her too through the distant way she was acting. It was almost like she was saying "come on just give up already". But I just fought harder cause the relationship meant so much to me. I guess I thought I could salvage it somehow.

I know what you mean about looking at what I did in the past to get over my relationships. None of those strategies really apply because that relationship sucked so it was much easier to say "good riddance" and to believe my friends when they said I would find someone better and all of those other platitudes. They actually applied. Here they don't really apply, so I have to find stuff I was dissatisfied with and concentrate on that, which proves difficult.

The one thing I can really focus on is the idea that even though it was good, she left, she didn't value our relationship or me enough to stick through it with me, through the good and the bad. So maybe that disqualifies her from being someone I'd want to marry. I don't know, I can think it, but in my heart I can't feel it. I never felt about someone else the way I felt about her. I'd do almost anything to have her back, but it doesn't look like she's coming back so I have to face the brutal reality. I know I'll get through it somehow, but I wish I didn't have to.
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Old 5th October 2017, 9:41 PM   #23
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I feel the exact same way. A couple of weeks before my ex broke up with me she wrote me "I don't want to break up but if you do then I will miss you and you should just do what you have to do" which doesnt really sound like someone who wants to be with me, it's kind of like you said where shes just expecting me to break it off without even caring about it.

I'm also thinking about how she didn't value the relationship to just end it all and never speak to me again and this is one of the things which I try to think about when I want to feel better. If there is such a thing as a soul mate then she definately was not mine.

Sometimes I find myself thinking about some good memory that I had with her but then I have to tell myself STOP STOP STOP, and I just think of something else.

At more then 3 months since my break up I still can't say I'm completely over her and now I really feel like theres not much I can do about it. I've talked about it to the point where there is nothing else to say to family and friends and no youtube video will teach me something I can learn to feel better. I can fill up my day with activities but there will still be moments when I think of her. The toughest part now is just being patient and sticking to no contact, letting time pass to feel better.
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Old 6th October 2017, 8:56 AM   #24
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Hi writersblock,
I'm so sorry you're having to go through this pain as well. But it does bring comfort knowing theres others out there who are suffering just like me. I just wish we didn't have to. It truly is the worst kind of pain out there. Looking back on my situation I can't help but wonder if my ex was trying to get me to break up with her too through the distant way she was acting. It was almost like she was saying "come on just give up already". But I just fought harder cause the relationship meant so much to me. I guess I thought I could salvage it somehow.

I know what you mean about looking at what I did in the past to get over my relationships. None of those strategies really apply because that relationship sucked so it was much easier to say "good riddance" and to believe my friends when they said I would find someone better and all of those other platitudes. They actually applied. Here they don't really apply, so I have to find stuff I was dissatisfied with and concentrate on that, which proves difficult.

The one thing I can really focus on is the idea that even though it was good, she left, she didn't value our relationship or me enough to stick through it with me, through the good and the bad. So maybe that disqualifies her from being someone I'd want to marry. I don't know, I can think it, but in my heart I can't feel it. I never felt about someone else the way I felt about her. I'd do almost anything to have her back, but it doesn't look like she's coming back so I have to face the brutal reality. I know I'll get through it somehow, but I wish I didn't have to.
That's exactly how I feel. When everyone tells me to get through it, over it, or whatever the case may be, I always say "But there should be nothing for me to get over. There should be nothing for me to make peace with because this wasn't supposed to happen."

That's the worst part. I understand that this person is clearly someone I shouldn't want in my life or a part of my life anymore but my whole question is, why did that person have to change like that? I'm very stuck on what "could have been," which I know is bad to dwell on but how can I not? And my larger question is, how could he not?

I'll never understand how someone can just throw love away all because he/she doesn't want to wonder "what if" down the line. Is your other "what if" greater than the question "What if we never get back together?" And I'm the one left completely in the dark and now with questions and guilt trying to figure if I could have done something differently while he's out there finding the answer to his "what if" and probably not giving me a second thought.

That's what I'm mostly struggling with, the pure acceptance of the fact that this indeed happened and I will never know why and there's no way to go back. I had this image of the future before me and I did everything in my power to make that vision a reality and now it's like I have nothing to even attempt to foresee.

It's one thing to get over someone, which is hard enough. Accepting this new reality is a totally different struggle. I think a lot of people view a break-up as being all encompassing. You have to "move on," essentially meaning to just get past everything. But I don't think a lot of people realize that "everything" means a lot of different things. It's getting over the person, the relationship, making peace with the past, accepting the present, and finding hope in the future.
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Old 6th October 2017, 10:01 AM   #25
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That's exactly how I feel. When everyone tells me to get through it, over it, or whatever the case may be, I always say "But there should be nothing for me to get over. There should be nothing for me to make peace with because this wasn't supposed to happen."

That's the worst part. I understand that this person is clearly someone I shouldn't want in my life or a part of my life anymore but my whole question is, why did that person have to change like that? I'm very stuck on what "could have been," which I know is bad to dwell on but how can I not? And my larger question is, how could he not?

I'll never understand how someone can just throw love away all because he/she doesn't want to wonder "what if" down the line. Is your other "what if" greater than the question "What if we never get back together?" And I'm the one left completely in the dark and now with questions and guilt trying to figure if I could have done something differently while he's out there finding the answer to his "what if" and probably not giving me a second thought.

That's what I'm mostly struggling with, the pure acceptance of the fact that this indeed happened and I will never know why and there's no way to go back. I had this image of the future before me and I did everything in my power to make that vision a reality and now it's like I have nothing to even attempt to foresee.

It's one thing to get over someone, which is hard enough. Accepting this new reality is a totally different struggle. I think a lot of people view a break-up as being all encompassing. You have to "move on," essentially meaning to just get past everything. But I don't think a lot of people realize that "everything" means a lot of different things. It's getting over the person, the relationship, making peace with the past, accepting the present, and finding hope in the future.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V4uQBKBXfJ0 This is a good video to watch if you've been the dumpee of someone who's got GIGS (Grass Is Greener Syndrome).
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Old 6th October 2017, 12:46 PM   #26
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V4uQBKBXfJ0 This is a good video to watch if you've been the dumpee of someone who's got GIGS (Grass Is Greener Syndrome).
Got it. I'll check it out. Thanks!
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Old 7th October 2017, 12:58 AM   #27
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That's exactly how I feel. When everyone tells me to get through it, over it, or whatever the case may be, I always say "But there should be nothing for me to get over. There should be nothing for me to make peace with because this wasn't supposed to happen."

That's the worst part. I understand that this person is clearly someone I shouldn't want in my life or a part of my life anymore but my whole question is, why did that person have to change like that? I'm very stuck on what "could have been," which I know is bad to dwell on but how can I not? And my larger question is, how could he not?

I'll never understand how someone can just throw love away all because he/she doesn't want to wonder "what if" down the line. Is your other "what if" greater than the question "What if we never get back together?" And I'm the one left completely in the dark and now with questions and guilt trying to figure if I could have done something differently while he's out there finding the answer to his "what if" and probably not giving me a second thought.

That's what I'm mostly struggling with, the pure acceptance of the fact that this indeed happened and I will never know why and there's no way to go back. I had this image of the future before me and I did everything in my power to make that vision a reality and now it's like I have nothing to even attempt to foresee.

It's one thing to get over someone, which is hard enough. Accepting this new reality is a totally different struggle. I think a lot of people view a break-up as being all encompassing. You have to "move on," essentially meaning to just get past everything. But I don't think a lot of people realize that "everything" means a lot of different things. It's getting over the person, the relationship, making peace with the past, accepting the present, and finding hope in the future.
writersblock,

I know exactly what you mean. Those are the questions that keep me up at night. I just cant understand what changed for her and how it changed so rapidly, despite also saying she's so lucky to have me and that I'm worth waiting for and all of this stuff. It's hard to reconcile the relationship you thought you were living through then with what is happening now and it doesn't make sense.

There are indeed a lot of stages to "get over" in a breakup. You have a different perspective of the past and the entire relationship with that person. All of your memories are now bittersweet. You have to deal with the pain in the present. And you have to rewrite the future. It's really a mammoth task. Most days I feel like I'm drowning in it all.

Personally for me it also doesn't make sense because I can't really think that way and don't change my feelings or thoughts about someone so rapidly. I recognize that I can't be 100% about someone and I can accept that as an uncertainty because every relationship has uncertainty. I also recognize that the "honeymoon stage" at some point ends and I understand that. I still value the person and can look at what Ive been through with them and still appreciate them, as well as appreciate the more mature stage of the relationship. If I really love someone (like she claims she still did when she broke up with me) then I would fight to be with that person even if it's difficult or even if there are obstacles. The relationship is only truly tested when things are difficult and there are things to overcome, not when it's smooth sailing. So from that perspective I guess she failed because she bailed at the first sign of some difficulty.

I asked her those exact questions regarding the "what ifs". I asked, "what if you change your mind and it's too late to get back together?". It's a very real question for me because that happened to me before. My previous ex before her dumped me to "explore her options" and then came begging for me back. By then it was too late because I was with this more recent ex so of course I told her no. I'm scared once I move on I won't want her anymore even if she does come back.

Anyway I guess the other "what if" is more powerful for her. I don't really know how. I'm a hunter so to me "a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush" makes a lot more sense. Why give up someone that loves you and is devoted to you for something you don't even know exists? I guess thats the power of fantasy. We can always imagine something better even if it isn't grounded in reality.
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Old 7th October 2017, 8:10 AM   #28
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I feel you man.

I've been dumped after a 6y long relationship which has been wonderful and we made a lot of sacrifices for each other.

It's really hard to accept it the first weeks. Especially when you thought she was the one. NC definitely helps getting through it, avoid breaking it.

I am now 1 month post-break up and it's still hard but it's getting better I can ensure you. I had several stages, questions about me, her or the relationship and at the end of the day this thought process is just bull****.

Dive into your relationship, see what you did wrong (don't pay attention to her), use it as lesson and improve yourself for the next one who'll deserve it. It was hard to admit that I had flaws as well and that a break-up it's a 50-50 situation. But it all happens for a reason so just stick to that reason.

My friends told me that my relationship helped them save theirs, the lesson I learnt from it, helped others overcome their difficulties. My relationship was kind of a "role model" for them. Helping others is something that helps me a lot.

Who knows what the future will bring you. Maybe you'll find someone else who'll fit you perfectly and you'll have the emotional maturity to make that relationship even better, or maybe you'll just get back with your ex, you both being more mature as well.

You never know but just live as you go. Don't look back.
Cherish the moments you two had and look forward to the new memories you'll create.
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Old 7th October 2017, 12:27 PM   #29
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Why would you be scared of not wanting her if she wants to take you back in the future? You should be looking forward to that option because right now she does not sound like the kind of person that deserves a second chance. She is bored of you and wants to see other guys, when she gets bored of them then she will come back to you. It would be worse to take her back when you are not over her yet and then have her do something similar in the future and have this whole mess start over again. It's a really good feeling to be over an ex when they want you back. Think about the girl that you were with before your ex, she wanted you back but you have moved on, did you feel bad about that? Or did you feel good that you have moved on from her?
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Old 10th October 2017, 6:23 PM   #30
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Well, thought I'd do a quick update again. My birthday came and went, it was fun and I hung out with good friends. But in some ways it has also led me to regress on my healing process by a lot. At least that's what it feels like. I didn't break no contact still and I'm at 5 weeks now, but it's not really getting any easier.

I think part of me was hoping she'd contact me for my birthday, but she didn't. I guess in some ways that's good because it doesn't hurt me as much as it would to see that text on my phone, but at the same time I was hoping she would send it. At least I would know shes thinking about me or something like that. i think I built up that day in my mind and when it didnt happen I was disappointed. I thought maybe she'd miss me. Stupid mind playing tricks on me I guess. That hope has really set me back in terms of healing now though. I feel as anxious as I was the first couple of weeks. I guess maybe its sinking in that maybe she really wont come back. I just wish the pain would stop. I just want to live life normally, but I keep thinking, and i keep feeling anxious. My sleeps suffers from it too.
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