Ghosted after 5 months of dating?

[duncebutsmart]

Here's the scoop:

 

So I was ghosted, but not 'fully ghosted', it was perplexing.

 

She and I met in spring via a dating app. She was attending another school close by (Boston), and as well going for her Phd, great chick, great personality, (great body), overall fun and nice. We hit it off and started dating, great times were had by all. On average, seeing each other 5 days a week. 2 months in and she had to go do research in the southern US during the summer, which was cool because I needed to study over the summer as well. Before she left, we had an open conversation about expectations and commitments (a subject she initiated), and we both agreed to not have any. (Initially I was stoked at the prospect of having a 'hall-pass' to our relationship, but after a few hookups over the summer, I realized I had caught some feelings for her, and was looking forward to resuming things when she returned.) Evidence suggest she was dating other people as well while in Florida.

 

She takes off and we're still continue texting/talking really intimately (for like two months, everyday, every hour. It's obvious we're super into each other, and we both can't stop discussing all the things we want to do together when she returns).... up until mid July. Our last 'sincere' conversation was us discussing intimacy and how much we like one another. Then a day went by with no text, she text the next with not much interest, another few days with no text, eventually I prod her and she replies (more half-hearted and close ended.) then a week, then 3 weeks. A few weeks before she's due back, she finally texted me with some bologna to see how studying was going. But after that it was obvious she wasn't present. I felt it and figured 'well, i'm sure she'll be forward with me and want to meet-up when she returns and at least deliver the 'coup de grace'. Nope, she comes back; radio silence. I finally run into her on campus, and she was super cheerful towards me, but it was obvious she couldn't wait to get away from the situation, she claimed to need to be somewhere and scurried off. Ran into her again a week later, same play.

 

Finally I couldn't take it anymore, the superficiality, the abhorrence towards me. It really bothered me, so I decided to broach the subject. I knew I didn't have the right to be angry because of the fair discussion we had before she left, as well I refused to lash out and get labeled an angry neurotic prick (plus I consider myself pretty even-keeled with my emotions). I wrote her with something along lines of "hey you're nice, but obviously you're not feeling this anymore, thats cool, but hopefully we can still interact as friends (which I sincerely wanted, but obviously I wasn't expecting us to suddenly turn into bff's, mainly I was hoping for friendly candor.) hope things are well". Her reply was so superficial and patronizing that it was insulting to me, she claimed she felt like an moron for not wanting to date me and that I deserve a real awesome person blah blah blah you're such a catch." She said she was willing to try and explain, but at that point, I knew it would be something along the lines of 'its not you, its me." and I wasn't willing to be spoon fed bull****, as well I wasn't going to try and force her to the discussion table. I felt crushed, insulted and confounded. Where had the candor gone? Where was our honest rapport? How could she suddenly treat me like I was a creep? Overall wtf happened while you were away that made you completely disgusted by me?

 

I really don't have any ill-will towards this person, and maybe I am being a little entitled. I'm just really confused as to how easily she turned and could behave this way towards me. I hate to be sappy, but it felt like we really did have something going. I'm trying to move forward with this. I partially think I deserve this as I've ghosted people before too, but no one that I was dating for such an extended period of time (generally i'm usually very forward about how I feel, and consider it best to let the person know rather than keep them hoping). As well, it sucks having to put up a cordial and superficial facade with this person every time we interact.

 

Advice? Am I being a baby and bit of a prick about this?

 

-disheartened in Boston

Edited September 26, 2017 by duncebutsmart

[Marc878]

It was a short relationship. Don't lose too much sleep over this. I wouldn't contact her again. You handled it great upfront you go any further it'll just make it worse.

 

You're young and still in school plenty of time to find "the right one".

 

She'd wasn't it obviously

[Chi townD]

To be honest....she was hooking up in Florida. And I feel that she has commitment issues. She probably felt that you were falling for her and that made her uncomfortable and awkward. I mean, it's not your fault, the heart wants what the heart wants. But, this girl isn't the girl for you.

 

Just leave it alone, there are plenty of girls out there. And there's one that is perfect for you. And she's waiting for you to find her. But, you're never going to if you are stuck on a girl that has no interest in settling down.

[duncebutsmart]

well i'm well aware she was probably hooking up. What bothers me is the sudden change in behavior, seemingly overnight, and that she's taken such a pretentious attitude towards me. Its brutal and confusing to a person.

[duncebutsmart]

So she's texted me out the of the blue, hoping we could talk about 'us' and maybe re-exploring our relationship. I'm not even sure how to respond to her, I want to immediately jump to her, but I also don't want to grovel..To be clear, I do want to give this another shot.

 

whats hanging over me is her behavior and the way she just tried to close the door quietly on our relationship; even though we had an agreement before.

 

I do want to try this again, but I don't want her to think she can reenter my life and this relationship with no consequences for her actions (the ghosting, her superficial attitude towards me,) but, as well, I also don't want this to be sort of game, where someones keeping score about who's wronged who. We're both intelligent adults and I believe we can discuss this reasonably. I want it to come out feeling mutual and genuine. Obviously, we need to have a discussion, but I don't want it to turn into me grilling her on every detail of why, who else, will it happen again? That would just push her away.

 

How do I reenter this, or rather, approach this without coming off jaded or bitter about her behavior? I do care for this person, but we have to talk about this in order to have a decent shot at growing.