I caught my girlfriend of 6 years lying and concealing texting an ex FWB

[gbox]

Hi all,

 

[NOW] I (had) a girlfriend of 6 years. We have had what I would consider an incredible relationship up until now, but nothing that has hit me as traumatically as this. I broke it off with her last week and want to make sure I am not being crazy with my reasoning especially since we have spent so much time together, literally all of her 20s have been spent with me.

 

[5 Years ago] when the relationship had solidified into a serious LTR 3-6 months in - meeting family - exchanging words of love etc. (became 'official'), there was a guy who continuously popped up on her phone with borderline / inappropriate texts - I was not intentionally checking her phone, but they would come up at weird times i.e. sitting on the nightstand while we were in bed together and a notification pops up with the full text. Here are a few examples (these are texts from Him to Her):

 

• "Hey you should come over" at 1am on a Saturday night...
  
• "Haven't seen you in a while when can we find a time to see each other"
  
• "Where have you been I miss that face of yours"
  

 

* It is worth noting I never saw HER saying or responding these things to him. Only him to her.

 

 

I brought up that I was uncomfortable witnessing that someone was texting romantic messages to her and she strong insisted "There is absolutely nothing for you to worry about." and "Nothing happened with him." I specifically stated that I am uncomfortable with her interacting with partners from her past from sexual relationships, which she again said "No nothing like that, it's really nothing. Nothing happened." I made it clear that I would NOT be okay with it and we agreed together with that reasoning. I brushed it off at the time that I was being insecure and it didn't come up again. She explained they were just college buddies and in the same college group of friends, so it would be super weird to just stop talking to him. (Especially since "I have nothing to worry about.")

 

[YEAR 1] Until.. a few months later where he popped up again... I noticed there was a LOG of texts back and forth this time because I saw her texting him repeatedly. I brought it up and she spit out the signature line "Nothing Happened! There is nothing to worry about." I pushed, asking what that meant, and she said things like "I never did anything with him, don't worry about it." I then found out they used to work together and they happen to be in the same industry/field. So she positioned it as me being weird - She said things like "What if I asked you to ignore a FRIEND you used to work with.. that would be so awkward"

 

[YEAR 2-5] Fast forward through year 2,3,4,5 it had become apparent that a continued exchange was happening between the two of them, albeit "Friendly" in nature from what I saw and I did not suspect anything sexual (the relationship is otherwise swimming along well, we are growing personally, professionally, and together). But I still never CHECKED her messages for anything (In hindsight, I wish I did back then.) I have no idea what the frequency of these texts was. We were living together during these years, so I didn't suspect any cheating or foul play. The relationship was going very well - happy and healthy.

 

[YEAR 6] Last week, it finally happened. I caught her DELETING the message thread from the guy in front of my eyes - I was working on my laptop next to her in bed while she was not paying attention and after texting back and forth with him she DELETED the thread. I immediately confronted her - with my 5 years of suspicious and angst towards the issue - that there is NO WAY IN HELL she doesn't have something to hide or some history with this person if she is actively deleting the threads. She again PROMISED ME that there is "Nothing to worry about" and "Nothing ever happened with him." She says "I delete threads all the time to save space" (this was what ultimately did her in)

 

[LAST WEEK] I let it slide for a few days. But I woke up in a panic one day last week. I knew something wasn't right. I couldn't do this for another day. I couldn't handle being lied to. I always had a weird feeling about it. I had to really know the truth. I needed to stand up for myself and RESPECT myself and my gut feelings. I sat down with her that night and said we need to put this behind us TODAY. I need to know everything that happened. I can't stop thinking about this. I feel like you misled me. And I need to know. Now. Same line - "Nothing to worry about I promise - it was nothing. We never did anything together." I called her out. I said that is bull****. There is no reason you would delete the thread if you didn't want to hide something from me. You are doing something you KNOW would hurt me.

 

And that was it. She admitted to it. They fooled around in college. They were **** buddies. Friends with benefits. Whatever you call it. She had been lying to me for years, a half a decade of bull****, deceit, and concealment. I knew it. I couldn't look at her. I couldn't make any eye contact. That was it. She packed her things and I asked her to leave. I haven't seen her since.

 

 

[TODAY] She is begging me to respond, I can't find it in me to reply to her. All of my friends who I have explained this to said I need to remove her from my existence and that this is only the beginning of a MAJOR respect/trust flaw that will never be repairable. And I cannot respond under any circumstance. She doesn't have anything at my place, so there is no reason for her to be here or to see her. I never want to see her again. Am I justified? Please help me understand I did the right thing.

 

 

----------

 

 

tl;dr: Girlfriend of 6 years was texting a guy that she told me to "not worry about." I had suspicions they had been FWB in the past, and I made it clear I am uncomfortable with her staying in contact with old f-buddies. Finally caught her in the act of deleting messages from him. When confronted, she said "I delete threads all the time to save space", I called bull**** and she admitted she had fooled around with him in the past. Broke up with her immediately and I want to make sure I am justified in my response.

[d0nnivain]

6 years ago your GF had a FWB before she met you. They were still in contact over the years but she always told you that nothing ever happened between them. That was the lie. Upon learning that 6 years ago she had sex with this guy, you broke up with her.

 

 

If you feel you can't trust her then you are right to break up with her.

 

 

But since you asked if you are justified, I think you are over reacting. Granted she should have told you all the while that they previously had sex but if she was otherwise faithful to you the whole time & hasn't been having sex with him since you got together, I think you are overreacting. Yes you can be upset about the lying & concealment. I'd need a partner who was more transparent & willing to earn my trust my trust back but 6 years including 3 living together is a substantial commitment deserving of some effort to preserve it, IMO. You don't feel the same. You did what you think is best for you. So stick to your guns & move forward.

[Zahara]

I think she was trying to downplay their relationship from the beginning so that she could maintain her connection with him without having you breathing down her neck.

 

If I loved someone and was truly dedicated to my relationship, I would do nothing to jeopardize it -- and that would mean prioritizing my partner's position and feelings rather than a past FWB. It seems she didn't care about how you felt and dismissed your feelings and chose to carry on with this guy. There was blatant disregard. Along with the continuous need to lie.

 

You noted that for the past 5 years it's been irking you. If there is no trust, there is no relationship. You did the right thing.

[gbox]

6 years ago your GF had a FWB before she met you. They were still in contact over the years but she always told you that nothing ever happened between them. That was the lie. Upon learning that 6 years ago she had sex with this guy, you broke up with her.

 

What about carrying on the communication for so long into our existing relationship with the hidden agenda that if (when) I found out she was breaking a major relationship boundary it would be a devastating blow to our trust? How can that be justified?

[dumbass2]

Let's say nothing did happen physically between them while you two were together, the fact that she knew the communication between her and him bothered you a lot, she did nothing about it and allowed it to continue. I guess you could at least call it emotional cheating depending on the contents of the texts, which you said were inappropriate at least on his end. You absolutely did the right thing for yourself. Trust was broken and because this continued on for so long, I don't see you being able to get that part back, so that relationship is over. You will never be able to trust her again.

[d0nnivain]

You felt strongly about this & you broke up with her because you think that was the best thing for you. As I said stick by it.

 

 

In your shoes I would have chosen to try to work it out IF she wasn't physical but only talking to the guy during the relationship. That was not the path you chose.

 

 

I'm a middle aged woman. The contractor who recently remodeled our bathroom is some guy who I dated for about 2 months when I was 19. I certainly don't have feelings for the contractor but I trusted him not to rip me off. DH was fine with it.

[cocoa342]

If she lies once she will do it again.

[enddeck]

She has been lying to you for six years.That's over two thousand days she has been lying to you.And if you think she didn't meet him during those two thousand days then you are naive.

[Been]

No. Why would she delete messages from him if nothing was going on?

She allowed him to orbit around her and be inappropriate. She had NO reason to remain in contact with him at all much less allow him to flirt with her.

She lied because what she was doing was wrong-wasnt like they were real friends talking about work and life. She was getting her ego stroked by his texts.

And if they were just friends why did her SO never meet him?

[Been]

I once dated a woman for about a year. She had a similar male friend but the difference is she told me about it. And I was OK with it....at first.

So one day my SO tells me he's coming to our town and she would like me to meet him and all of us hang out. I said OK. It was Tuesday and he was suppose to be getting into town on Friday and that's when we were going to meet him.

It was a Thursday night and I was suppose to go to work but I stayed home because I didn't feel good. Me and my SO were watching a movie and her phone starts blowing up. After the 8th time I ask who keeps texting you? She replies that her male friend has gotten to our town a day early and wants to hang out. I say OK let's go meet him. My SO says she doesn't want to- we will meet Friday like we planned to. Her phone just kept blowing up the whole night. I didn't put two and two together.

When Friday came she all of the sudden didn't want to meet up with him and wouldn't give me a reason why. I finally figured it out on my own:she had expected me to go to work that Thursday night and she was going to meet up with him and I would have never known.

The point I'm making is their are reasons why people let ex lovers orbit around them and they aren't good reasons.

[ExpatInItaly]

I think you did the right thing, OP.

 

She lied about this for a long time, knowing how you felt. Now she is deleting their messages - why is that? What are they talking about now that she doesn't want you to see?

[TwinFlameGone]

Other than text messages has there been anything else. It doesn't sound like it. When you go through someone's phone or peek at a text message it's not the whole story. My ex-GF broke into my phone and saw all types of messages from girls. They were flirty, but nothing to indicate sex. I don't block every old fling that I had once its over. I respond to them, make a joke or two - there's no scheming to meet up. When my ex saw those messages it appeared to be more than what it was.

 

I had the same feelings as you when glimpsing at my ex-GF's phone. I questioned her about this guys name that kept coming up. The message's were all coded and talking of meeting up, being outside etc. It was her and her friends low-level campus weed dealer. lol

 

I've had one girl send me custom videos of her masturbating for the last two relationships I've had. I'd never have sex with her, but it's cool that she masturbates and references me in her vids. Why would I give that up?

 

The point I'm making is you guys are two people that do and say things that are likely to be interpreted the wrong way..

[lolablue17]

Yes, you did the right thing. This is not a single mistake she made. It's a lifestyle! She lied to you so many times, and this whole relationship was based on lies.

 

Logic says she had cheated on you. If she can look into your eyes and lie many times without a blink, why should you believe that they didn't **** many times during your 6 years R?

 

In fact, why should you believe anything she says from now on? She is a pathological liar. You don't want her in your life.

[Chi townD]

At first, I thought you may have been over-reacting. But then I was constantly drawn to those texts from him. " Why don't you come over" "where have you been? I haven't seen you in a while." So, how long has awhile been?

 

Seems to me that she just couldn't let go of her FWB. She's still emotionally attached to him. So, in the 5-6 years you've been with her; if she's been texting him, she's been meeting up with him. No guy is going to constantly text a girl for over the course of 5-6 years without a response or even meeting up. She's been keeping him on the hook. Now, HOW she's been keeping him on that hook? Well, you'll have to decide that one. Personally, I think she's been giving him a little taste here and there to keep him interested and coming back.

 

Yeah dude. Move on. You don't have a relationship when you discover that the two of you is actually three.

[BluesPower]

She has been screwing him... ever since you guys have been together.

 

You should have broken up with her when you first found out about the texts.

 

That was your mistake early on.

 

You stayed too long. She has been lying to you for 6 years. 6 years wasted.

 

Learn your lesson now. No ex lovers allowed, ever. Not obiters, ever.

 

You will save yourself a lot of heart ache of you adhere to these rules...

[Blanco]

I've had one girl send me custom videos of her masturbating for the last two relationships I've had. I'd never have sex with her, but it's cool that she masturbates and references me in her vids. Why would I give that up?

 

Hold on. You've had a woman sending you sexual explicit videos while you were in an exclusive relationship with someone else?

[TwinFlameGone]

Hold on. You've had a woman sending you sexual explicit videos while you were in an exclusive relationship with someone else?

 

Well yeah. She was a good friend. We had a FWB relationship several years ago. We kept in contact over the years. We didn't have sex during my LTR. If I was feeling lonely or depressed she'd make videos and send them over on demand. I found it quite healing. It was better than watching p0rn.

[Buriall]

Well yeah. She was a good friend. We had a FWB relationship several years ago. We kept in contact over the years. We didn't have sex during my LTR. If I was feeling lonely or depressed she'd make videos and send them over on demand. I found it quite healing. It was better than watching p0rn.

 

 

Dunno if I should cry or laugh

[Blanco]

Well yeah. She was a good friend. We had a FWB relationship several years ago. We kept in contact over the years. We didn't have sex during my LTR. If I was feeling lonely or depressed she'd make videos and send them over on demand. I found it quite healing. It was better than watching p0rn.

 

Well then I'll respectfully advise the OP to take whatever you have to say about healthy monogamous relationship behavior with a grain of salt.

[HarmonyDriven]

 

[TODAY] She is begging me to respond, I can't find it in me to reply to her. All of my friends who I have explained this to said I need to remove her from my existence and that this is only the beginning of a MAJOR respect/trust flaw that will never be repairable. And I cannot respond under any circumstance. She doesn't have anything at my place, so there is no reason for her to be here or to see her. I never want to see her again. Am I justified? Please help me understand I did the right thing.

 

 

IMO, you are justified. You did the right thing and deep down you know it.

She destroyed all trust. She might not have been physical with the FWB while with you, but it sure does sound like she texted quite a bit, and who knows what the texting content was.....doesn't matter now.

 

You did the right thing. She is not the right person for you. Her loss big time!

[TwinFlameGone]

Well then I'll respectfully advise the OP to take whatever you have to say about healthy monogamous relationship behavior with a grain of salt.

 

Guys! IMO this is no different than watching pr0n. The girl was into making vids and maybe I was just another person on her mailing-list. The point of me making the post is that viewing someone's text messages can be misinformation. Again, my ex-GF went through my phone before. She found several old text messages and pics... She saw girls texting me about meeting up, etc.. but I never did and there was no "gotcha's" when she snuck and read all my messages. Likewise, I read her phone and confronted her about stuff that was meaningless too.

 

If you're in a relationship and you both a fairly decent and attractive people there are going to be ppl still contacting them or ppl persuading you to leave your SO. Me and I my ex-GF used to get hit on all the time if we were out shopping or even in our apt building. It doesn't pay to have insecurities - that's all I'm saying.

[Been]

If your in a serious relationship and people contact you to hook up then that person should be blocked or told that your with someone and then be blocked.

Its really that simple.

[Buriall]

If your in a serious relationship and people contact you to hook up then that person should be blocked or told that your with someone and then be blocked.

Its really that simple.

 

My ex used to do this. Why don't they set boundaries with the opposite sex? Perp as they like the attention? Or being desired by them? Why would you put someone through all of this? It seems to me that these type of people like to work the angle of jealousy.. Would like to hear your input on this..

[Been]

Because your ex is leaving possible doors open in case they need to go back. Simple as that.

[Buriall]

Because your ex is leaving possible doors open in case they need to go back. Simple as that.

 

Yeah, in her diary she confessed about how she has feelings towards this one guy but she's scared to go forward with him blah blah. Yet before I found out all that she just kept saying I have trust issues and that he's just a friend. Lol

 

So glad to be done with that mind fu*kery