Broke off engagement after 3 years

[movingonx]

We met in the summer of 2013. He was tall, had the most beautiful brown eyes, smile, was studying for a degree in engineering, and seemed like the perfect man to me. The beginning of the relationship was a dream come true. He showed me so much love and expressed to me how I was the only one for him. How he wanted to marry me because he was extremely religious and felt that the only way we could be truly happy is if we sealed the deal with a wedding. He was everything I could have hoped for in a guy. I was the perfect girlfriend. Big blue eyes, long black hair, graduated in the top of my class. Everyone told me that they felt he was no good for me. But I didn't listen.

 

So I bought my wedding dress, started looking at venues, and began to plan my dream life with what I thought was my "dream man." After about a year of us being together, I could sense that something was beginning to go downhill. He knew how much I loved him. I would've done anything for that man. Little did I know that he was just waiting for the perfect time, to see that I was so attached, that I wasn't going to leave his side no matter what the circumstances were.

 

After the most perfect year of my life, he started to play games with me. He would start to break up with me over little things just so that I could call him, beg for him, and so that he could hear me cry. He felt reassured when he would hear me ball my eyes out over the phone in fear of me losing him. He loved how weak I was when it came to him. He loved the fact that I was willing to do anything just so that he could be in my life. When he saw that I was ready to do anything for him, he began to tell me that I couldn't wear makeup, couldn't let my hair down, that I couldn't go to the beach with my mom, or buy heels, or have social media, or talk to other guys, not even in class. I was so in love with him that I agreed to everything even though I would look into the mirror everyday and not even be able to recognize who I was. I would ask myself: "Who cares if he is controlling you this much? You have a wedding to plan. Suck it up. You'll never find someone who loves you this much."

 

A couple of days after our three year anniversary, I found a picture of him with his ex girlfriend at a bar. I was shocked. How could someone who had proposed to me, who had said he loved me, who I had given my all to, lie to me? Why was I not able to do anything, leave the house, put makeup on, get ready, but he was able to lie to me and sneak out to hang out with this girl whom he knew I didn't like? It was as if God/the Universe, whatever you want to believe in, was showing me concrete evidence of who this man was. With my own thoughts, I could somehow twist them around and reassure myself that he was a good man, a man of God, but with a tangible piece of evidence, a picture, there was no way that I could do that. This was the last straw. It was at that time that all of my doubts about this man came true.

 

I know some of you are thinking: "why would you ever stay in that relationship with him?" But you never really understand why toxic relationships are so addictive until you actually go through them. These people are charming, attractive, they promise you the world and more through manipulative tactics. You create a trauma bond with them, to the point where your brain is so addicted to this person that the thought of you losing them makes you want to end your life. It's the same kind of situation as to being addicted to a very, very dangerous drug. You know it's no good for you, but you stay because of the high that it gives you.

 

I showed him the picture the following day and told him that we were done. For him to never contact me again. He agreed and proceeded to tell me that he doesn't want anything to do with me either and blocked me on everything. He didn't apologize or call me or beg me for back. He didnt try to save OUR relationship. See, that's how narcissists are. They only love you for what YOU do for them and they present themselves as charming, religious, and sweet talk you until you finally figure out who they are. Once they realize that you know that they are liars and manipulators, they discard you like nothing ever happened. I guess what hurts the most is knowing that he could care less; all of those kisses, hugs, and presents meant nothing to him. Naming all of our kids and planning our dream home was just a lie. Three years and an engagement that he doesn't think twice about. I really hope he regrets what he did to me for the rest of his life, but people like him have no empathy or remorse for others.

 

 

It's been 14 days and I am no longer crying, shivering, not being able to sleep or eat. I'm getting so much better. I'm starting to realize that I was in love with a stranger. Someone who just manipulated me and used me.

 

Narcissists don't feel remorse or regret. They don't truly love. They just use you and drain you until there is no longer a use for you.

 

I am now letting my hair down, putting my makeup on, and I'm doing great in school. I'm so proud of myself for moving on. Im so proud of myself for finally realizing my worth and opening my eyes. For letting go of an emotional abusive person I swore I could never ever live without. For finally becoming the woman I've always wanted to be.

[ExpatInItaly]

Good for you for starting your path towards healing, OP.

 

I have been in an emotionally abusive, toxic relationship before. I know what it is to feel like you can't leave. I only stayed a year (on-off) but that certainly took its toll.

 

But after I finally walked away, I also realized I had my own issues to address. You do, too. It is so important that you do a in-depth inventory of yourself now. Given that you are still so fresh off the break-up, you are very likely to hit some lows in which you miss him and want to go back. And now more than ever you need the tools to avoid doing so. It would be a good idea to seek some counseling so you can figure out exactly why you stayed as long as you did, and why it took finding this photo of him and his ex for you to leave. Had that not happened, you'd probably still be with this loser. I don't mean that as a criticism, either. I mean that his control and emotional abuse was accepted, and it's imperative to work out why you didn't consider it a deal-breaker. I had to do the same, too.

 

Now is also the time to over-haul your definition of love, so that you seek out healthier partners and relationships in the future. Giving everything of yourself isn't loving. It's unhealthy attachment, and often a function of deep insecurity, meant to show the other person you will do anything for them in the hopes they will recognize your value and not leave you. As you can see, that doesn't work.

 

Stay strong and keep this joker blocked. He was never The One for you, girl.

[movingonx]

Thank you so much. Yes, it is really sad that I decided to stay that long. I think a big part of it is that I am still young (21) and that it was my first relationship. I had nothing else to base it off of. I thought because he was older, intelligent, college-educated, and attractive, that I could never find someone better. I thought that he was my everything and I would never be able to love again after him. Do you think I will move on and never look back?

[Goodguy05]

Do you think I will move on and never look back?

 

Ye i think u definatly will we always do at some stage might take some time because he was pretty cruel.

 

Will he reach out? I suspect he might. Why? Because for him it's all about control and u leaving him and finishing it and not contacting him has made him relinquish that control. I believe his final attempt at agreeing to finish it and even blocking u etc was to try to regain his loss of control over u. His reach out will have undertones of control I suspect it's all about regaining that control over u. Ur challenge will be to hold firm and keep moving forward.

[Captivating]

Hi,

You are absolutely right about identifying him as a narcissist.

 

These people are empty, they are not capable of love,( nor compassion nor remorse !! ) they consider their partner as their own extension. Image is everything for them so they try to compensate for the lack of their own self -esteem.

Love bombing first to wrap you around their finger and to manipulate and control you.

They want emotional feedback that they feed off of. It can be both admiration or pain.

 

It is awesome that you broke up with him !!! He might try to get you back so that he would break up with you, just for the image.

 

NO CONTACT ! Do not let him to contact you in any way.

 

No, he will not be happy with any other girls ... it's always an illusion that he will try to convey. I honestly think that you dodged the bullet.

Do not worry about what he thinks ... he is a controlling manipulator, who uses people as a leech for his purposes ... so who gives a crap what he thinks ... he is barely a human if you think about it.

Do not ever reach out to him (that's what he wants) , or make fun of him on social media or react in any way ...

Stay away and avoid him !

Edited September 23, 2017 by Captivating

[Sweetfish]

and people wounder why I reject when women on this site push and stomp their feet to forcing someone within 1 or 2 years to marry them.. its Russian roulette. It can take 3 years to really know someone.

 

Glad you saw this person was manipulating you at the end.

 

Narcissistic abuse is no walk in the park... it will alter how you process individuals who become close to you.