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I am so confused on my now ex boyfriend's behavior. He has bipolar disorder, anxiety, depression, and probably something else. He has an alcohol addiction as well. Here is the same old pattern, he goes inpatient in a hospital to be on the right meds and detoxed off of alcohol, then he never follows up with rehab, and psych doctors due to his job. Then when he comes out of the hospital, he's nice, attentive, and a very loving boyfriend sober. Then he gets moody, and doesn't want sex, blames it on the meds, then he gets even more moody where if I talk to him about a problem very calmly, he blows up and storms out of the house. He then relapses, gets vicious with me, and calls me names, cheats (I'm sorry but I do consider it cheating if you are hitting up girls the minute we break up and hook up with some of them in a matter of days). Then he will harass me with text messages and phone calls with mean words that are very hurtful and how he's going out with a woman, then he begs for me back and plays the suicide card.

 

Then he'll beg and beg and say over and over, "I can't function without you. You are my soulmate. I need you." He goes on his binges and expects me to just forgive him for all the hurtful and vicious words he says to me when I bent over backwards for him. I let him use MY car to go to work, because his schedule is so unpredictable, I couldn't get a job like I wanted to. He makes anywhere from $17 to $22 an hour depending on the job. He's a truck driver. So, it took him some time to get on his feet because of his mental illness, so for the past year I was FULLY financially supporting him and emotionally. I was like a mother to him, calling doctors and therapists, so he could live a healthy life, spending countless hours leaving messages for doctors, therapists, and outpatient rehabs, buying EVERYTHING. I took care of him in every way and tried to be the best girlfriend I could ever be.

 

Well, since he was using my car and was working towards getting his own car, the only fair option would be to take care of me in full. Since I couldn't work around his work schedule with one car, that's only fair. Plus I paid for everything so he could get his mental illness under control. So, it's time for me to be taken care of for once. He agreed to it, but then bitched if I asked for $20. He didn't like supporting me at all and paying for food.

 

So, he relapsed again. I said "I'm done with you" and he insulted the hell out of me, and said he's going out with other women, etc. So, I ignored his mean text messages and didn't contact him once. He contacted my mother and said "I can't function without her, she's my world." My mom said "when are you ever going to learn Nate? She did everything in the world for you. You brought this on your own head. You skipped doctor appointments, and relapsed. My daughter is sick of putting her all into you, and let you use her car, and she gets nothing in return from you. Not even affection. If you can't function without her then you would make an effort to not mess up, so you wouldn't be without her." He ignored that. He is begging me back and the only reason why I took him back the last time was because my grandmother died and I needed comfort.

 

This is the same old cycle. He regrets losing me, then tries to win me back, but then he says over and over everytime we break up that I am not attractive to him and I am ugly, fat, and suck in every way possible. He says that everytime so I do believe that's how he feels. Why does he keep doing this? Why doesn't he just let this go? Is this his mental illness? I am just curious as to why he brings this on his own head, but yet insults me, then tries to win me back, but does NOTHING to change, when he promises to do so.

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Your BF has a responsibility to get help and maintain his mental illness with therapy. His illness is NOT YOUR PROBLEM to fix or even to put up with. You have all the power in the world to end it and stop him from hoovering you back. Block/delete/never respond to any message/don't answer the door/walk away if you see him. If he harasses you, you call the police and report him.

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It's quite simple: He behaves this way because the demons in his life have sent him spiraling out of control. Why he doesn't stay compliant with his meds is probably very complex and best answered by his psychiatrist. But the upshot is that WHY he does it has no bearing on your decision.

 

When your mum tore strips off him, I hope she did the same to you for taking him back repeatedly. Have you started doing any work on yourself to figure out why you keep putting yourself back into this toxic situation? Why you'd use him to make yourself feel better when your grandparent died? I get that you were grieving, but by bringing him back in, you gave him false hope. He's screwed up enough as it is....

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Simply put: he does this because you allow it. It's really that plain.

 

Granted, he's got a mental illness that you are not equipped to deal with or manage for him unless you have a degree in psychiatry. However, that's him, not you---you are the one giving him your car. You are the one acting like his mother when he should be going to his own mom for this stuff or better still: acting like a man and doing this for himself. You enable him. That's why he won't stay gone.

 

So you have to look at what's in it for you. Why do you let him come back?

 

You let yourself get sucked back in time and time again only to have the same thing play out in your life time and time again. You do know what the definition of insanity is, right? It's doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results. They're not going to materialize until he commits himself to some really intensive psychiatry/medication regiment and gets a grip on his mental illness and the alcoholism, which seems to go hand in hand with this for some bi-polar people.

 

People with bi-polar illness can function in their lives if they commit themselves to doing it. I know of someone who is 29 years sober and is bi-polar and he functions well enough to maintain his technical job and his own home. Your guy just refuses to do what's required.

 

That doesn't mean that you have to be there to hold his hand. It's long time past for you to leave this relationship and get yourself on far better footing. Dealing with him is going to age you before your time. It's no way to spend your youth.

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I am so confused on my now ex boyfriend's behavior. He has bipolar disorder, anxiety, depression, and probably something else. He has an alcohol addiction as well. Here is the same old pattern, he goes inpatient in a hospital to be on the right meds and detoxed off of alcohol, then he never follows up with rehab, and psych doctors due to his job. Then when he comes out of the hospital, he's nice, attentive, and a very loving boyfriend sober. Then he gets moody, and doesn't want sex, blames it on the meds, then he gets even more moody where if I talk to him about a problem very calmly, he blows up and storms out of the house. He then relapses, gets vicious with me, and calls me names, cheats (I'm sorry but I do consider it cheating if you are hitting up girls the minute we break up and hook up with some of them in a matter of days). Then he will harass me with text messages and phone calls with mean words that are very hurtful and how he's going out with a woman, then he begs for me back and plays the suicide card.

 

Then he'll beg and beg and say over and over, "I can't function without you. You are my soulmate. I need you." He goes on his binges and expects me to just forgive him for all the hurtful and vicious words he says to me when I bent over backwards for him. I let him use MY car to go to work, because his schedule is so unpredictable, I couldn't get a job like I wanted to. He makes anywhere from $17 to $22 an hour depending on the job. He's a truck driver. So, it took him some time to get on his feet because of his mental illness, so for the past year I was FULLY financially supporting him and emotionally. I was like a mother to him, calling doctors and therapists, so he could live a healthy life, spending countless hours leaving messages for doctors, therapists, and outpatient rehabs, buying EVERYTHING. I took care of him in every way and tried to be the best girlfriend I could ever be.

 

Well, since he was using my car and was working towards getting his own car, the only fair option would be to take care of me in full. Since I couldn't work around his work schedule with one car, that's only fair. Plus I paid for everything so he could get his mental illness under control. So, it's time for me to be taken care of for once. He agreed to it, but then bitched if I asked for $20. He didn't like supporting me at all and paying for food.

 

So, he relapsed again. I said "I'm done with you" and he insulted the hell out of me, and said he's going out with other women, etc. So, I ignored his mean text messages and didn't contact him once. He contacted my mother and said "I can't function without her, she's my world." My mom said "when are you ever going to learn Nate? She did everything in the world for you. You brought this on your own head. You skipped doctor appointments, and relapsed. My daughter is sick of putting her all into you, and let you use her car, and she gets nothing in return from you. Not even affection. If you can't function without her then you would make an effort to not mess up, so you wouldn't be without her." He ignored that. He is begging me back and the only reason why I took him back the last time was because my grandmother died and I needed comfort.

 

This is the same old cycle. He regrets losing me, then tries to win me back, but then he says over and over everytime we break up that I am not attractive to him and I am ugly, fat, and suck in every way possible. He says that everytime so I do believe that's how he feels. Why does he keep doing this? Why doesn't he just let this go? Is this his mental illness? I am just curious as to why he brings this on his own head, but yet insults me, then tries to win me back, but does NOTHING to change, when he promises to do so.

 

This is the cycle of abuse... Read about it online, and it will all make sense...

 

Furthermore, he is dealing with mental health issues and addiction - you have a very unhealthy person and a very unhealthy pattern of behavior in relationships.

 

His sobriety and his mental health are his problems. He needs to get help and commit to his own healing. He comes back to you because you open the door and allow him back into your life. Best to walk away... There is nothing in this relationship for you. He is not a healthy partner and nothing good can come of this relationship....

Edited by BaileyB
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He has bipolar disorder....
Perhaps so, Olivia. Yet, if Nate has actually been exhibiting bipolar-1 behavior at some time in the past year, he likely also suffers from full-blown BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). A recent study found that 54% of the male bipolar-1 sufferers also have lifetime BPD. See Table 2 at 2008 Study in JCP.

 

I mention this strong connection between the two disorders for two reasons. First, the behaviors you describe here sound much closer to the symptoms for BPD than those for bipolar disorder. Specifically, the strong verbal abuse, suicide threats, neediness, impulsiveness, blaming all misfortunes on you, temper tantrums, and rapid flips between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (hating you) are classic warning signs for BPD.

 

A second reason this distinction is important -- if you have hopes Nate will heal himself -- is that full-blown BPD usually is far more difficult to treat than bipolar. Whereas bipolar often can be treated quite successfully by swallowing a pill, medication won't make a dent in BPD. Not one dent. Moreover, it is rare for BPDers to remain in therapy long enough to make a real difference.

 

Hence, if you're ever tempted to reconcile with Nate, I suggest that you protect yourself by learning how to spot the warning signs for both disorders. An easy place to start reading is my post at 12 BPD/Bipolar Differences, which is based on my experiences with a bipolar-1 sufferer (my foster son) and a BPDer (my exW). If that description of BPD traits rings many bells, I would suggest you also check out my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs. If those descriptions sound familiar and raise questions, I would be glad to discuss them with you.

 

Of course, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your exBF's issues. Although it is easy to spot strong BPD symptoms, only a professional can determine whether they are so severe as to constitute full-blown BPD. Yet, like learning warning signs for breast cancer and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a painful situation, e.g., taking Nate back or running into the arms of another man just like him. Take care, Olivia.

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You don't understand why he is so back and forth about your relationship with him???????

 

He's Bi-Polar!!!!!!! Read up on that . . .

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PegNosePete
He has bipolar disorder, anxiety, depression, and probably something else. He has an alcohol addiction as well.

You say he has all of these issues, then write a post asking why he behaves exactly like someone who has all of these issues?

 

Well it's because he has these issues. That is why he behaves like that.

 

The more pertinent question is: why do YOU allow the cycle to repeat itself over and over?

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Your post makes me sad, because so many fall into this back and forth life that is not beneficial to either party! Number one, you have a responsibility to your daughter...do you want to teach her to take a guy and keep letting him treat her like your BF does you..and her? She is learning from you! Teach her well. Live your life and walk AWAY from this guy. This is not love. Love protects and provides, it gives and is concerned for others...your relationship is not the picture of love. Don't confuse your helping him and his coming back to you with love from his part. He may love how you help him, but that seems to be all. You have done ALL that you could, and too much actually.

I will be praying that you have the confidence, peace and comfort to move on with your life and shut the door on this relationship.

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salparadise
I am so confused on my now ex boyfriend's behavior. He has bipolar disorder, anxiety, depression, and probably something else. He has an alcohol addiction as well. Here is the same old pattern, he goes inpatient in a hospital to be on the right meds and detoxed off of alcohol, then he never follows up with rehab, and psych doctors due to his job. Then when he comes out of the hospital, he's nice, attentive, and a very loving boyfriend sober. Then he gets moody, and doesn't want sex, blames it on the meds, then he gets even more moody where if I talk to him about a problem very calmly, he blows up and storms out of the house. He then relapses, gets vicious with me, and calls me names, cheats (I'm sorry but I do consider it cheating if you are hitting up girls the minute we break up and hook up with some of them in a matter of days). Then he will harass me with text messages and phone calls with mean words that are very hurtful and how he's going out with a woman, then he begs for me back and plays the suicide card.

 

Why are you confused? You gave the full explanation. He has several comorbid, uncontrolled, mental illnesses, substance abuse/addiction, plus anger issues that result in emotional abuse on you. What you see is what you get –– not at all confusing to me, or any other third party who has a little bit of objectivity.

 

What is confusing to me is why you keep volunteering for another round knowing full well that his behavior is cyclical and the result will be exactly the same!

 

Olivia, the questions you should be asking are about you, not him...

 

- are you addicted to emotional abuse?

- do you believe that the next time he will magically transform into a different person?

- do you not comprehend the implications of bi-polar/substance abuse?

- do you have superpowers that will fix him, or should he be so appreciative that he will fix himself for you?

- is this really what you want your life to be?

- do you not love yourself enough to believe that you deserve a healthy partner or functional relationship?

 

The only thing you have any control over is whether or not to choose this as your life.

Edited by salparadise
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  • 1 month later...
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Me and my boyfriend have been through a hellish relationship. It was due to his Bipolar Disorder and his drinking problem. I told him I wouldn't go back with him unless he took precendence on his mental health and his sobriety. Well, he did. He's been sober now for 2 months. However, he's a Trucker so he works weird long hours. He doesn't ever know when he's getting done with work, and he does local driving. So, he is always busy and can't talk on the phone at all. I had to be the one on the phone with a psychatrist for countless hours trying to set up an appointment with one as soon as possible because he has severe panic and anxiety, depression, and bipolar disorder. He could barely function.

 

So, I worked really hard and squeezed him in with an excellent psych doctor who does late evening appointments. He determined that he has Bipolar and is displaying manic symptoms of it. He put my bf on Depakote to stabilize him before working on his anxiety and what not. My bf took the meds and I didn't have to worry about it. He was fine on it and it has only been a week. Now, I caught him in a lie and I don't know if I trust him.

 

He was working yesterday and he followed the safety precautions of releasing some gate and the guy was suppose to move out of the way, but he didn't and ended up getting his pinky finger severed off from the gate. My bf felt terrible because even though the workers and even the guy said it wasn't his fault, he still felt bad because it was his truck and him pulling the lever for this gate to open. My bf kept going on and on how much he felt bad. I comforted him. I noticed though he didn't take his second dose of Depakote, so I told him as a reminder "hey I know you're going through a lot but just a reminder, take your Depakote." He said "I will. I take it around 8pm." I said "ok." So the. 8pm comes around I noticed he didn't take anything. He has his medicine usually right by him on the desk where the lamp is. The meds were still in his backpack. I said "babe did you take your meds?" He said "yeah I did." I said, but I didn't see you take it?" He said "I'm really stressed out, I don't need this. It's my medication, why do you care?" I said "because our relationship depends on your stability and sobriety so I take a lot of precendence on it. If you didn't take one that's fine. I'd rather you say you're stressed out and didn't take one than have you just flat out lie. I would understand the." He said "I took one, it was by the lamp." I said "I didn't see one by the lamp. You're lying. The bottle isn't even on the desk." He then said he took it when I got my wrap out of the fridge which is also a lie because that was only a couple of seconds, and he would have to shuffle through his backpack and everything and that was around 6pm when I grabbed my wrap, when he told me he takes the med at 8 or so. I then said "let me count your meds then." He seemed hesitant but he allowed me and it didn't add up that he took one that night. He got angry and kept pleading his case that he took one and I said "there's no way because I counted it three times. You only took one today. I don't care, just tell the truth. I don't like liars." He treated me like.garbage and said "you only care about yourself. I said I'm going. Through a lot and you care about is meds? It's my medication, you shouldn't worry. No wonder people treat you like crap." I started crying and he didn't care. He is caught red handed but he won't admit to it. He hasn't spoken to me and I drove him to work. He didn't say one word and was very angry looking the whole car ride to work. This is taking a toll on me. I don't know if I should forgive him or not? He's clearly lying and won't own up to it. He is acting very callous towards me when I'm just trying to help and he knows he wrecked this relationship. I held up my end of the bargain by helping him and providing for him financially until he could get on his feet. So, it hits me hard that he made false promises to me. And is turning it around on me too. Like I'm the bad guy? All I wanted was honesty. What do you think I should do about this?

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He can't get sober or mentally healthy for you. He has to do it for himself. You are his GF, not his jailor. It's unfortunate that he lied but he probably did so to get you off his back.

 

If you don't trust him you don't have a relationship but in this instance about one dosage of medication after a traumatic day, try to let it go. If you see more lies about other issues then you can revisit the relationship

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Go home, pack your stuff, and leave.

 

This is not a way to live.

 

Your boyfriend is an alcoholic and probably mixing meds and alcohol and suffers from various mental illnesses he doesn't care to keep under wrap. This time a man lost his finger, next time he may kill someone.

 

Now you find yourself watching over him like your home is a hospital ward and you need to make sure he medicates himself.

 

Like you said in your post, your relationship has been hellish,you have nothing good to go back to. You cannot fix him and make him the bf you wished he was.

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Have you ever considered the concept of "live and let live?" Try it.

 

Also.. everyone lies. Welcome to the real world.

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Instead of focusing on his emotional and mental health, it would be best to start looking at your own dysfunction.

 

You're co-dependent. You're staying in a bad relationship, trying to repair a broken man because you're a fixer. Focusing on his issues allows you to avoid your own.

 

Your past three threads in the past few months:

 

- My ex always begs for me back but he causes the breakup

- I feel lonely in the relationship

- My boyfriend seems uncaring

 

Time to stop being his mother. Time to end it and work on yourself. There is a reason why you keep clinging to this man. And it isn't love.

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Lying isn't what you should be focusing on. The bigger picture is that he has two issues to deal with that are way bigger than both of you. You are not his mother nor his wife. He needs to be able to manage himself.

 

You don't stay in a relationship that isn't working for YOU and try to change the person you are with. Either they are what you need or they aren't.

 

You are wasting your life with this guy. No one is saying he is a bad person, he just doesn't have the ability to be a good partner to anyone. He isn't even good to/for himself.

 

Move on. Let him manage himself and do the work he needs to do. It will take years before he can realize/accept that he needs to quit drinking and keep up with his meds, if he does at all -- Plain and simple. He will have to hit rock bottom. You don't want to be on that ride. He can't hit rock bottom while he is with someone who is constantly holding his hand. What you are doing actually is enabling him by doing all the real work in the relationship.

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And is turning it around on me too. Like I'm the bad guy? All I wanted was honesty.

 

Well, you're not going to get that with him, so what else have you got planned?

 

What do you think I should do about this?

 

Stop being his mother/jailer/wife/enabler

 

What's the worst that will happen if he skips a dose? He reverts into someone you know you can't live with, but he's had years of getting comfortable being. So, yeah, he's going to not take his medication because it's not as important to him as it is to you. What he's done for years has worked for him, long before you came along. He's not going to change just because you're mad or that he will lose you.

 

You've taught him that while you may complain, you're not going anywhere, so why should he arse himself to change? He'll change when he sees there's something in it for him to change. Right now, he doesn't see that. Further, he doesn't see that with you, and that is your starting point right here.

 

His path out of his alcoholism and mental illness is his to take, not yours. You can spend all your youth paving the road for him, but if he chooses, instead, to walk through the weeds and brush to areas where you will never go, then he's grown and can do that. It's not your job to re-raise him. It's your job to recognize a lost cause for what it is, and to quit focusing on your dreams for that man's potential. They're not going to happen as long as he's fine with how he is. That's just the plain simple truth.

 

Bi-polar and alcoholism seem to go hand in hand and it's probably a self-medicating thing.

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I'm shocked that he is allowed to operate a truck if his illness is as bad as you say it is.. His work should have provided him with counseling for this incident with this guy losing a finger. It's pretty obvious this has taken a toll on him.

 

 

I know he has a long long way to go. Just taking a pill a few times a day isn't a cure all. There is a lot more he needs, and that's counseling and time off work to get more therapy. You need counseling too so you can sort your feelings and not take it out on him. You can go to AA meetings, that is available anytime and it's free. It's not just for alcoholics, it's also for people who live with an alcoholic. And I'm pretty sure there is free group therapy for people who deal with mental illness or have family members who are sufferers, funded by the government. Knowledge is power, start searching on the net, and you can probably get more info at a clinic. There is help out there for people who have very little money, or need help right away.

 

My mom is bi-pola/manic/ocd, I know what you are going through. You are frustrated at his behavior, but it's the illness that controls him. The illness robs them of coping skills, that why the majority of alcoholics/drug addicts have some connection to mental illness. They can't cope so they turn to things like drugs/alcohol/sex/gambling/shoplifting, as their way of coping, or escape.

 

So instead of pressuring him, when you talk to him, let it make sense to him that not properly taking his medication is going to have more of a negative impact on his well being. Then proceed to go over with him why he is so impacted by his coworkers injury. Instead of saying "Oh it's no big deal" and brush it off...his brain can't do that, and by saying things like that makes it worse. He doesn't have an off switch, it will play in his mind over and over, making the anxiety grow. Talking it out, being understanding of how it makes him feel, and being sympathetic will help him work through it. Right now he is feeling like a failure, and I'm guessing he's giving up on getting better. In some way his brain is telling him none of this is working.

 

If it gets really bad, dump the responsibility onto his family and let them take care of it....and leave.

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Taking medication can come with side effects. If he is experiencing side effects then he may not want to take the drug.

He may even prefer how he felt before...

 

Common side effects of Depakote include: abdominal pain, asthenia (lack of energy), dizziness, drowsiness, nausea, and anorexia.

Other side effects include: abnormality in thinking, alopecia, ataxia, nystagmus, tremor, weight loss, fever, and skin rash. See below for a comprehensive list of adverse effects.

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Taking medication can come with side effects. If he is experiencing side effects then he may not want to take the drug.

He may even prefer how he felt before...

 

With the list of side effects you are providing (thank you) sounds like this guy should not be driving or handling heavy equipment.

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He has to want to get better and if he really wanted to get better, he would be making his own psych appointments and taking his medication on his own. Stop doing things for him. You are his girlfriend (hopefully ex girlfriend soon) not his mother.

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OP this guy is not only NOT a boyfriend material for you or anyone else, he's legitimately dangerous, mentally unstable alcoholic.

 

DO not walk, run. I would never give this advice if it was anything remotely fixable but this situation is NOT. 2 months sober is laughable - he needs to be 5+years sober to even joke about trying to be in a relationship. He SEVERELY injured a human, next time he may KILL someone. If you don't want to be you - run. Run and never turn back.

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Taking medication can come with side effects. If he is experiencing side effects then he may not want to take the drug.

He may even prefer how he felt before...

 

If those are the side effects and he drives for a living, then I can see why he wouldn't want to take them. He's already dangerous enough without medication exacerbating his problems. I mean, it's not an aspirin he's being asked to take.

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All I wanted was honesty . . . So, it hits me hard that he made false promises to me -- Alcoholics are masters at manipulation, passive-aggressiveness and denial. Anger is their "go to" when they are questioned or have expectations placed upon them. They are very skilled at "blame shifting" and not taking responsibility for themselves. Drinking is their No. 1 priority. Everything and everyone else is second.

 

Honesty requires emotion/feeling/connection. How can he be honest when he is drinking to mask every emotion that may come up and when he does have any emotion is comes out as anger?

 

If you're not focused on the big picture here and it's the lying the causes you to end this relationship, being myopic, in your case, has been a good thing . . .

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He has two major mental health problems here his alcoholism and his bipolar disorder. Neither are quick fixes and neither are "curable".

 

YOU are not qualified to deal with this alone, and I suggest you do not even try.

 

(What are hypomania and mania? - for anyone who is unsure - if he is manic as the op says, this is not just some trivial "mood swing" type problem here, this is serious stuff.)

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