1 year later and I still miss my ex

[HiCrunchy]

Hey guys.

 

I have been separated from my ex for about 1 year now. He and I were together for 6 months.

 

I still think about him and miss him everyday. I no longer talk to him or look at photos or social media. I only mention him when my friends bring him up on occasion (I guess they think I don't love him anymore).

 

I love him now just if not as strongly as I did before. Too bad I did everything wrong with breakups that I could have done. Cried, begged, over texted, drunk texted, sent a letter, drunk cried, "bumped into him", blocked then unblocked then blocked etc....So I know that he is long gone.

 

I am not sure what to do. I want to start dating as I know he isn't coming back to me and even if he were to pop up that is not something I should be waiting for. I know I can't up my life on hold for him.

 

There are days when I am okay and then there are days when I just cry.

Like a year to the breakup date, I cried while masterbating. I hated what I was doing, because I thought about being with him instead, his hands, his kisses, not this lonely act. I hated myself right then because I know he is not doing this right now. He is out, and about, achieving his goals, meeting women and I alone, crying...

 

I am not attracted to many men so whenever I try to date I just can't get myself to. My ex unexpectedly ended up being the first person I was ever sexaually and emotionally attracted to. Sometimes I compare them to what I used to have and I get bored (which is even harder when I am not attracted to them. I've tried to be more open minded in dating people that I am not attracted to, so far it hasn't worked)

 

How do people just move on or meet someone new in a few days, weeks or months??

It makes me think there are different levels of love and I just fell into the deepest one of all.

Edited September 20, 2017 by HiCrunchy

[Goodguy05]

Let me just start by saying first there's nothing wrong wth howbur feeling or where ur at. It's normal for dumpees like me and u to still be at this stage. Why? Because we deal wth a lot more and the dumper has usually already grieved and let go where as wen they break up we are shocked our grieving has just started plus on top we deal wth a thing called rejection which breeds obsession.

 

The reason ur not meeting anyone u connect wth is because u still have feelings for ur ex. Ur not present enough to be in another relationship nor ready. We are still licking our wounds.

 

It'll happen again it has wth me love that is and that connection once uve let go. I wanted to add I been also 1 yr broken up of a 6 yr relationship I did all the right things from lets call it experience when she finished it i went complete nc however even though we work together i don't talk to her and it actually has been very painful having to work wth her as she goes from one work colleague to another she's pretty messed up long story.

She's never contacted me once or regretted her decision only one time in August I saw she may have looked to reconcile but nothing came of it. So u chasing crying believe me in the scheme of things means nothing I wouldn't think like that if I'd done this or that they would of come back. If someone wants u they wouldn't have broken up in the 1st place well not for this amount of time.

[umirano]

Tough one. Keep doing what you are doing. It takes time, but it's really the only way to go.

[HiCrunchy]

Let me just start by saying first there's nothing wrong wth howbur feeling or where ur at. It's normal for dumpees like me and u to still be at this stage. Why? Because we deal wth a lot more and the dumper has usually already grieved and let go where as wen they break up we are shocked our grieving has just started plus on top we deal wth a thing called rejection which breeds obsession.

 

The reason ur not meeting anyone u connect wth is because u still have feelings for ur ex. Ur not present enough to be in another relationship nor ready. We are still licking our wounds.

 

It'll happen again it has wth me love that is and that connection once uve let go. I wanted to add I been also 1 yr broken up of a 6 yr relationship I did all the right things from lets call it experience when she finished it i went complete nc however even though we work together i don't talk to her and it actually has been very painful having to work wth her as she goes from one work colleague to another she's pretty messed up long story.

She's never contacted me once or regretted her decision only one time in August I saw she may have looked to reconcile but nothing came of it. So u chasing crying believe me in the scheme of things means nothing I wouldn't think like that if I'd done this or that they would of come back. If someone wants u they wouldn't have broken up in the 1st place well not for this amount of time.

 

At least for you it makes sense. You had a longer relationship than mine.

I thought I'd be over this by now and a year later I still wish he was here with me.

[Goodguy05]

At least for you it makes sense. You had a longer relationship than mine.

I thought I'd be over this by now and a year later I still wish he was here with me.

 

I had a very intense 6 nth relationship yrs ago fell in love took me 3 yrs to get over her I had no closure on it till the very end so yes I've also had a short intense one that took a long time to heal

[galamoosh]

Time doesn't heal, it only passes. If you do nothing to move on then the 365th day will be as emotionally traumatic as the first day. Stop making him your life and you be the person that makes you happy.

[HiCrunchy]

Time doesn't heal, it only passes. If you do nothing to move on then the 365th day will be as emotionally traumatic as the first day. Stop making him your life and you be the person that makes you happy.

 

So what am I supposed to do really??

I have already taken all the advice there is on NC, no looking a photos or social media. I honestly have not idea what it means when someone tells me "just move on"

 

I'd love to but just how the hell do I do that???

[hgriffin17]

I know how you feel. I've been broken up with my ex for 4 months now and it hit me hard today for some reason. One of my friends asked what happened and when I explained the whole story to him, I almost started crying. Then once I came back home, I layed in bed, listened to dreaming with a broken heart by John Mayer and cried till my eyes were dehydrated lol. What I'm trying to say is that I don't think we ever completely move on from the people we love. She was my first love and I'm sure the guy you're talking about was someone special too.

 

But you need to change your mindset. You should be sick and tired of being sad. You deserve to be happy goddammit!! And you will love, you will. You need to remind yourself as to why it didn't work out. The guy your talking about isn't perfect. No one is. Take it as a learning experience, cry when you need to, but laugh as much as you can. Life is short, So don't spend it morning over someone who isn't doing the same for you.

[whatnot]

So what am I supposed to do really??

I have already taken all the advice there is on NC, no looking a photos or social media. I honestly have not idea what it means when someone tells me "just move on"

 

I'd love to but just how the hell do I do that???

What helps me is *knowing* the bridge is burned. There's no going back. Period. I think we can have in our heads....fantasies....and those fantasies....unreality....can keep us stuck.

 

12 year relationship with my ex wife. She left with another man. after a year and a half of wondering on my part....(I figured their relationship wouldn't last....and figured right).....I called her up. That opened the door of reality up against the ghost/imaginings/unreality of what was going on in my head. The ghost of living with her in my head vs. the reality of not ... was too much. Reality changes in a year and a half. Speaking to her....it was clear to me in a 20 minute phone call....."I have *nothing* in common with this person. What in the heck have I been thinking all of this time??" She's remarried. wishing her the best. No love loss....

 

The last relationship (which brought me here) lasted 7 years. It's now been a year and a half we broke it off. N/C all the way. Sooo....in *my* head....I'm living in unreality....which is....the reality of a year and a half ago. what my head is doing is reliving....everyday....as if we are still together....or....someday...may be....as before.

 

That's just not the case. Time *IS* changing you. The perspective of reality hasn't had a chance to "butt-up" against what's going on in our heads. I'm giving it more time before I go hunting this one down. (the relationship still feels too important to me...IE....I've yet to move on enough). But...some day....I *do* plan on seeing this woman again. It's worked in the past.

 

For *me*....I have to face the ghost. I have to face myself.

 

You may just find that you don't like the guy as much as your heart is telling you that you do.

 

Good luck. give it some more time before taking my advice lol

[whatnot]

I wasn't able to date after my divorce until I *knew* it was behind me.

 

Same this time. No desire to date at all. That'll change when there's no relationship going on with her in my head. *This* time....my expectation is that she'll not want to be with *me*. Which...is all to the good. Or....the reverse. Either is fine by me.

 

 

..........One other thing that helps *me*.

 

I miss my ex. Of course I do. She was my bestie. We had *great* times together. That said....I also remember the relationship itself. (which is different from missing *her*) I DO NOT miss that relationship. Wouldn't go back to it for a million bucks. BUT...I miss her. (or....at least....I tell myself I do)

 

there's a difference. (my bet is....there is with you as well?) Do you *really* want back what made you miserable? (Not the person....the relationship itself..)

Edited September 22, 2017 by whatnot

[umirano]

Get a life. It's that simple. Moving on from a relationship isn't all just about going NC and getting that person out of your life, it is about forging ahead and making a life for yourself.

 

This. And dating is a numbers game. Up the frequency of dates, if no one interests you. I'm rather selective myself, so I understand that it can be hard to find a good match (one that I think is one, anyway). But then just go meet more people. Go to parties and throw parties yourself. Join a club or group. Talk to people at work or in the street. In no time you will have other people on your mind, even if a relationship takes a little more time.

Edited September 22, 2017 by umirano
Orthography

[HiCrunchy]

Get a life. It's that simple. Moving on from a relationship isn't all just about going NC and getting that person out of your life, it is about forging ahead and making a life for yourself.

Well its not like I sit at home and think about him all the time and I do have my own life. I recently got a new job, I am making plans to go the nursing grad school, and I am thinking about becoming an alumni leader for the scholarship network (I won this 4 year scholarship when I first applied to college, funny enough my ex did too, He is a smart dude, but anyways).

I had joined a danced group (before I graduated to try and get my mind off him and I actually got really good).

But even when I have all those things to worry about, I still have him in the back of my mind.

I'll see a guy with the same hair style or a place we spent time together or a couple that looks super happy and I remember how good I felt then. How much love I had and I think still have for this man.

I am not curled up in my bed crying or wishing he would text me like I was the first few months.

 

Sometimes I honestly just want to talk to him and see how he is doing. I miss him all the time.

Edited September 22, 2017 by HiCrunchy

[HiCrunchy]

What helps me is *knowing* the bridge is burned. There's no going back. Period. I think we can have in our heads....fantasies....and those fantasies....unreality....can keep us stuck.

 

12 year relationship with my ex wife. She left with another man. after a year and a half of wondering on my part....(I figured their relationship wouldn't last....and figured right).....I called her up. That opened the door of reality up against the ghost/imaginings/unreality of what was going on in my head. The ghost of living with her in my head vs. the reality of not ... was too much. Reality changes in a year and a half. Speaking to her....it was clear to me in a 20 minute phone call....."I have *nothing* in common with this person. What in the heck have I been thinking all of this time??" She's remarried. wishing her the best. No love loss....

 

The last relationship (which brought me here) lasted 7 years. It's now been a year and a half we broke it off. N/C all the way. Sooo....in *my* head....I'm living in unreality....which is....the reality of a year and a half ago. what my head is doing is reliving....everyday....as if we are still together....or....someday...may be....as before.

 

That's just not the case. Time *IS* changing you. The perspective of reality hasn't had a chance to "butt-up" against what's going on in our heads. I'm giving it more time before I go hunting this one down. (the relationship still feels too important to me...IE....I've yet to move on enough). But...some day....I *do* plan on seeing this woman again. It's worked in the past.

 

For *me*....I have to face the ghost. I have to face myself.

 

You may just find that you don't like the guy as much as your heart is telling you that you do.

 

Good luck. give it some more time before taking my advice lol

 

I actually did something like that. I had no contact with him for a while and then I happened to approach him and made conversation. He was polite and sweet. His personality was exactly as I had remembered. We laughed and it was great. But the dynamic was different. My heart was craving the more sensitive conversations we used to have, when he was vulnerable with me, when he would share his opinions, would cry in front of me. The convo felt empty and the relationship I had with him before was confirmed dead in my eyes.

 

I craved for the emotional intimacy, the closeness, the looks and smiles he gave me. Not the chit chat. He didn't say mean things, he didn't have to. His indifference to my presence hurt. Though, I do not think he hates me. Maybe a little annoyed, he might think I am nuts but he does't hate me. At least not to my face.

 

In a sense, contacting him did remove that ghost of the relationship but it replaced it with a different ghost if that makes any sense.

Edited September 22, 2017 by HiCrunchy

[whatnot]

I actually did something like that. I had no contact with him for a while and then I happened to approach him and made conversation. He was polite and sweet. His personality was exactly as I had remembered. We laughed and it was great. But the dynamic was different. My heart was craving the more sensitive conversations we used to have, when he was vulnerable with me, when he would share his opinions, would cry in front of me. The convo felt empty and the relationship I had with him before was confirmed dead in my eyes.

 

I craved for the emotional intimacy, the closeness, the looks and smiles he gave me. Not the chit chat. He didn't say mean things, he didn't have to. His indifference to my presence hurt. Though, I do not think he hates me. Maybe a little annoyed, he might think I am nuts but he does't hate me. At least not to my face.

 

In a sense, contacting him did remove that ghost of the relationship but it replaced it with a different ghost if that makes any sense.

Thanks. You've described what I believe would happen if I contacted my ex just yet. The last convo we had...it was over the phone....and she sounded just like how you're describing your ex's persona toward you. Quite civil and very polite. It felt to me as if I were just anyone else on planet earth in her eyes.

 

I don't need that again. Not just yet anyway lol

 

good luck Crunchy

[whatnot]

And here I've been licking my wounds for a year and a half. Oh well.

 

I guess that guy that said..."There's a season for everything under the sun..." wasn't just blowin' smoke.

 

take care of yourself.

 

David

 

EDIT: I was trying to think of something to make you feel better Crunchy. And realized I could not. Therefore....I'll just tell you what I believe to be the truth....

 

You'll move on. My first love....in college....she was the most sensitive, transparent, talented and caring person I'd ever met. I loved her....but never told her that. (Terrified to would be understatement). I've never met another woman who cared for me....just for me...with no agendas...since. Now...that might sound like a sad story....(and it is somewhat...I guess...maybe...)...but.... I'll tell ya what Crunchy....I'm 59...and was once sick to the point of facing my own mortality. And you know what I think it taught me? It taught me that our lives (at least mine)....has had good and bad. And that's what's makes up any life. And it's what will make up *your* life as well. And *that's* not sad. That's what's known as a miracle. (smile)

 

You've got a lot of living to do yet....

 

take care

Edited September 23, 2017 by whatnot

[Bromeo]

Crunch,

 

It's a weird experience. The pain fades, and you are left with the ghost of person.

 

I'm right there with you. Begged, pleaded, gave gifts, wrote emails, the works. For several months I had hot/cold games played with me. She treated me atrociously, and I allowed it. Best of all, she made fun of me when I went to her work to tell her I loved, missed, and wanted to marry her.

 

Seriously, read my thread.

 

I've come to realize that because that time in my life was so emotionally intense, that it simply will take much longer to drain those emotions out. I'm about 13 months post breakup, and 7 hardcore nc, and I still remember vividly some of the more painful times. It also didn't help that she went on my wall and liked a bunch of my stuff, but that was my lesson to learn.

 

Most of all, be patient with yourself. Don't fight the feelings or memories. They are a part of you, and you just need extra time to process it all.

 

I also don't care to date anyone at the moment, but I think I'm just bitter at the moment. Lol

 

Be safe.

[guest569]

My relationship was 6 months too and ended over a year ago and I am still in a lot of pain and miss him and love him. I think that you are moving on even if it doesn't feel like it, as you have demonstrated by what you've achieved in the past year. But as for letting go of the relationship, that is another matter. For me, I'm not sure if I will ever really let go of it, but hopefully I get better at dealing with it and the pain will continue to fade. Heck, I still miss and love my ex from 4 years ago too, but it is not as bad as this one.

[HiCrunchy]

Hey guys,

 

A part of me wonders if there are some people that just never stop loving while others do. Maybe I will move on and still love him to an extent in my heart. If I accept that I will always love him, then I can make peace with it in my heart like I have in my head. I don't know but if its been 1 year, I wonder if my heart will ever stop and I should just learn to live with it.

[CeciliaCylara]

Hey guys,

 

A part of me wonders if there are some people that just never stop loving while others do. Maybe I will move on and still love him to an extent in my heart. If I accept that I will always love him, then I can make peace with it in my heart like I have in my head. I don't know but if its been 1 year, I wonder if my heart will ever stop and I should just learn to live with it.

 

HiCrunchy, there's a specific song that you may relate to as I do. It's specifically for people like us who will always love their ex while moving on too

[HiCrunchy]

His birthday is coming up in two days and I am debating if I should wish him a happy birthday. I did last year because I was hoping it would get my foot in the door (that was a month after the break up and I was hopeful I guess).

 

The last time we had contact was in May and it was after being a bit emotional in person on my part.

 

I have thought about it a lot and I am leaning more to not doing it. I am not angry or anything, Its just that has been soon long, a part of me thinks it maybe strange for me to reach out to him. Or at least, he might think it is strange for me to be thinking about him for so long.

 

I think I'll just keep loving him in silence. Nothing more I can do.

I'm just tired I guess. I hope that my memory of him fades soon....I want to go back to a time when I didn't think about him everyday...

Edited October 1, 2017 by HiCrunchy

[HiCrunchy]

HiCrunchy, there's a specific song that you may relate to as I do. It's specifically for people like us who will always love their ex while moving on too

 

I'm not really into anime anymore, kinda outgrew it. But since we are sharing song recommendations about this feeling, here is one I just found that explains everything so clearly. I hope you like it.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u-AKZe1HWAc

[toomanyquestions123]

Well its not like I sit at home and think about him all the time and I do have my own life. I recently got a new job, I am making plans to go the nursing grad school, and I am thinking about becoming an alumni leader for the scholarship network (I won this 4 year scholarship when I first applied to college, funny enough my ex did too, He is a smart dude, but anyways).

I had joined a danced group (before I graduated to try and get my mind off him and I actually got really good).

But even when I have all those things to worry about, I still have him in the back of my mind.

I'll see a guy with the same hair style or a place we spent time together or a couple that looks super happy and I remember how good I felt then. How much love I had and I think still have for this man.

I am not curled up in my bed crying or wishing he would text me like I was the first few months.

 

Sometimes I honestly just want to talk to him and see how he is doing. I miss him all the time.

 

That is exactly what's happening to me !!

[d0nnivain]

His birthday is coming up in two days and I am debating if I should wish him a happy birthday. I did last year because I was hoping it would get my foot in the door (that was a month after the break up and I was hopeful I guess)....

 

Do not contact him for his birthday. He doesn't want to hear from you. You are part of his past & he wants you to stay there. Did your last encounter with him -- the emotionally empty one -- teach you nothing?

 

I feel badly for you because you are heartbroken but some how, some way, you have to pull yourself together.

 

Continuing to pine after him for twice as long as the relationship lasted is not healthy.

 

Throw yourself into your new job. Get a head start on grad school (read a text or something). Get crackin' on the alumni leader thing. Get more physical -- join a gym, go for a walk, clean your house.

 

When you find yourself thinking about him, you need to stop what you are doing, acknowledge the thought & banish it. I'm thinking about him. I need to stop. We broke up for a reason. He's my past. I need to concentrate on my future. Then mentally run through a to-do list even if it's the 1st 10 things you will do upon waking up -- get out of bed, shower, brush your teeth, eat breakfast etc.

[AT15]

Let the energy out. You're keeping it locked up in your mind. Imagine opening that memory door and allowing the "memories and love" out of your head and back into the universe with the other memories of life events. It needs to be let out. Remembering that it's just a moment in time, of many and numerous moments of this life. Just like the moments b fore him. It's the only way to enjoy life's experiences. Some will be super joyful and some will be so painful. But they all just pass and new experiences come.

[HiCrunchy]

Do not contact him for his birthday. He doesn't want to hear from you. You are part of his past & he wants you to stay there. Did your last encounter with him -- the emotionally empty one -- teach you nothing?

 

I feel badly for you because you are heartbroken but some how, some way, you have to pull yourself together.

 

Continuing to pine after him for twice as long as the relationship lasted is not healthy.

 

Throw yourself into your new job. Get a head start on grad school (read a text or something). Get crackin' on the alumni leader thing. Get more physical -- join a gym, go for a walk, clean your house.

 

When you find yourself thinking about him, you need to stop what you are doing, acknowledge the thought & banish it. I'm thinking about him. I need to stop. We broke up for a reason. He's my past. I need to concentrate on my future. Then mentally run through a to-do list even if it's the 1st 10 things you will do upon waking up -- get out of bed, shower, brush your teeth, eat breakfast etc.

 

I didn't text him for his birthday. I didn't see how I could without coming off as crazy.

 

sigh maybe I am crazy.

 

I know its not normal. That's why I'm on this forum. My friends were sympathetic the first few months, so was my sister. But now they think I should be over it because most people would be. But I am not.

 

I think I either love more deeply than most people or I am ****ing insane.

Either way it doesn't help me.

 

I have been starting to think that it is silly we believe that everyone is meant to find someone. Maybe the faster I learn to accept that relationships and love aren't something that exists in my world, I can let go.

It will be sad, but I won't have hope anymore. In anyone or anything, I mean it worked for my mom.