No Contact is getting so hard

[girl2017]

Hi all,

 

I am almost suffocated. I am in day 19 of NC. My ex dumped me after 10 years of being together. High-school sweethearts. We were talking of marriage next year. He used to tell me that I am the best thing that ever happened to him. Long story short, he is currently reeling under a lot of career and family issues. We have been in a long-distance relationship for the past 5 years but either him or me would always make the effort to see each other every weekend. Anyways, he is at the most crucial stage of his career and says he needs no distraction and also, that I distract him. A lot, apparently. He's currently out of a job.

 

So, well, he blindsided me and dumped me last month. Over the phone. We had been having issues for the past few months and the LDR added to the misunderstandings. I had landed up at his doorstep just 3 months ago to talk. That was before the actual BU. We had had a major fight. We always work things out when we talk. Now, after he dumped me, he simply asked me to move on and not to come visit him or contact him. Just like that. He said we had become very incompatible. I responded the normal way. Pleaded, cried and begged. He sent me a lot of angry and nasty mails after that. He said he's blocking me off. Mail, phone, WhatsApp, everything. Yet, he would respond to my mails and texts. Almost instantly and at length.

 

So, I went NC after a week of BU. He again mailed and texted me not to come visit him on the 3rd Day of NC. I thought of not replying but I did telling him that 'I am not dropping by, after the way he treated me'. He asked me to call him because I had blocked his number by then. I did not. I just wished him the very best. He texted goodbye and being finally free and all that. Again, I went NC. He mails me again 4 days later saying that he will take my above mail as my final declaration of a break-up (I got confused. I thought he'd dumped me two weeks back). I did not respond. I made a fatal error 3 days later. I felt sorry for him. I texted him that he can move on, that I am okay and I'd like to be silent. God, he bombarded me with 2 page mails after that. The anger built up inside for the past one week. A nasty hateful angry outburst. I just replied 'It's okay'. He calmed himself down and send me another long one that he will find somebody else, that he will marry but just not to me. He sent me 2 long mails within a span of 15 minutes as an instant response to me text with the mails ending with 'I leave you in peace' (Yeah, he thinks he's a very peaceful guy). He sent 2 other to my sis advising her to get me to move on.

 

Sorry, my post is getting long but please bear with me. So, this last contact was on 30th August. That would be 20 days ago. He then again mailed my sis the next day to ask me not to come visit him. Because due to professional engagements, I had to be in his town for a week the next day. He knew the old me would definitely make the effort to talk things out. Well, I did not go visit him the entire week I was there and we are now in strict NC. Today is my 19th Day. I am proud of myself for not reaching out but also incredibly hurt that he has not tried to reach out. The things he said when we broke up reminds me to maintain NC but after 10 years, how can somebody just dump you and ask you to move on. I'm hurting badly. Some days I am strong and chirpy but today and yesterday has been bad. I am in the pits again. I am going to maintain NC for 60 days though. Will see if he reaches out. Otherwise, I don't know. I'm thinking of picking up my things from his place and moving on with my life.

 

I am so hurt. But I am trying to pull myself through. I miss him. We were so good together. God, we were supposed to get married. That's all. I just needed a space to let it out. Your responses would be so welcome.

[Zahara]

We were so good together.

 

I have a hard time believing the above when you mention that during the ending he was essentially dismissive, rude and cold towards you. Unless there were other issues that you're not revealing, I find it hard to believe 10 years of good together suddenly turns into angry and nasty.

 

I would advise you to keep going past 60 days NC. This man is all over the place and sounds manipulative and controlling.

[girl2017]

Dear Zahara,

 

You are in a way, right. The problem he had at the end was that I hung out too much with my male colleagues, which was basically an overstatement. He said he suddenly had 'trust issues' with me. He was always insecure about me. I got to know that this past few weeks only when I reflected back. My family helped. I think he always thought that I'd leave him for a better man. But I've loved him unconditionally. Have told and showed him many times that I'd always be there for him. And I have stood by him through his worst. Career and family wise. I have a good career and I am in a profession where there are very few female colleagues. Why I say we had a good 10 years was because he'd always loved me and cared for me, at all times, or so I thought. He'd cook my favorite dishes or catch up on our favorite shows and many things which made him seem considerate and lovable. He is my first love, by the way. And like I said, we'd text and mail but we'd catch up only in the weekends which was an unwinding good time for both of us. This past 5 years. He helped me when I started off with my career. Had always been there for me. But I do agree that he has controlling issues. We had major arguments regarding that. I just don't know. I guess I was too blinded by love. My family made me see that I might have been in a very unhealthy relationship. But still, I want to believe in him. Give him the benefit of the doubt. That's why I am still conflicted. The problem is, I love him. Still, I'm doing 60 days or more. I have a gut feeling that he thinks I'd wait up for him, like I always did. Each passing day is however convincing me to move on.

[Zahara]

My family made me see that I might have been in a very unhealthy relationship. But still, I want to believe in him. Give him the benefit of the doubt. That's why I am still conflicted. The problem is, I love him. Still, I'm doing 60 days or more. I have a gut feeling that he thinks I'd wait up for him, like I always did. Each passing day is however convincing me to move on.

 

Your family sees with clarity because they're not fogged by emotions. They know what you deserve and probably have very good reason to try and make you see that you aren't in a good relationship.

 

You want to believe him and you want to give him the benefit of the doubt. Ten years together should be enough time, actually more than enough time to see things for what they are.

 

You may love him but sometimes love just isn't enough. It takes more than just love to sustain a relationship.

[girl2017]

Your family sees with clarity because they're not fogged by emotions. They know what you deserve and probably have very good reason to try and make you see that you aren't in a good relationship.

 

You may love him but sometimes love just isn't enough. It takes more than just love to sustain a relationship.

 

These are the very things that I am trying to convince myself of. It's hard coming out of a relationship for 10 years and to think that it might have been unhealthy, makes it harder because I realised that I am now starting to question a lot of things. Everything. Thank you though. A part of me tells me that it happened for the best, that I got out at the right time. I will need a lot of time to heal. It's really hard but I will stick to my guns. I need to. Not breaking any NC.

[clist8511]

Hi,

 

I'm not very good at giving advice and perspective on others' relationships but I will say this... try as hard as you can to do things for yourself, now. Don't 'time' your NC, either. Just take it a day at a time.

[BC1980]

NC often gets harder before it gets easier. You go through a honeymoon period in the beginning, but, as time goes on, you realize the reality that the relationship is over. Confronting the fact that the relationship is over is usually very difficult, so the gut reaction is to reach out and speak to your ex. Breaking NC gives you temporary relief because it's familiar and feeds your denial. For a bit, you can avoid feeling all of those messy feelings that go along with endings.

 

You've done well to keep NC for 19 days. Even 19 days can be a challenge when you are embroiled in a toxic situation, so pat yourself on the back. But you definitely need to keep staying NC. Your ex sounds all over the place, which is normal for a breakup. People do a lot of weird stuff after a breakup and go through a lot of clumsy attempts to reach out. But it's all chaotic and unhelpful for you.

 

If you want to get married, ten years is way too long to date someone. I doubt he was ever going to marry you if he's been dating you that long.

[girl2017]

So, well, the most unimaginable thing happened a couple of hours back. My ex mailed my sis with a copy to me (I wonder what's up with that!). Anyways, he said that he's found a new girl and that I should no longer come knocking at his door. I cannot imagine why he would take the trouble of telling me that lest he wants to provoke some sort of a response from me. So, well, I did not completely read it. I just deleted it so as not to break my NC. Because in my weak moments, I know I may be tempted to reply. Anyways, it made me relieved. I felt so much better after pouring out here yesterday and well, the contact happened. And I was surprisingly not so affected as before. That means NC must be working. I'm still sticking to my NC and thank you so much for your response and support.

Edited September 20, 2017 by girl2017

[greenleaves54]

So, well, the most unimaginable thing happened a couple of hours back. My ex mailed my sis with a copy to me (I wonder what's up with that!). Anyways, he said that he's found a new girl and that I should no longer come knocking at his door. I cannot imagine why he would take the trouble of telling me that lest he wants to provoke some sort of a response from me. So, well, I did not completely read it. I just deleted it so as not to break my NC. Because in my weak moments, I know I may be tempted to reply. Anyways, it made me relieved. I felt so much better after pouring out here yesterday and well, the contact happened. And I was surprisingly not so affected as before. That means NC must be working. I'm still sticking to my NC and thank you so much for your response and support.

 

He seems really unsecure. And desperate that he should resort to such a shameful tactic. This will probably not be the last e-mail he sends either. In the next one he will probably excuse himself and try to get your attention yet again.

 

You seem to be doing great though, keep it up and ignore him. And enjoy becoming a stronger, smarter and better you by being for yourself for a while!

[girl2017]

He seems really unsecure. And desperate that he should resort to such a shameful tactic. This will probably not be the last e-mail he sends either. In the next one he will probably excuse himself and try to get your attention yet again.

!

 

I am feeling the same. And it is helping me gain some sort of a closure. I mean, I am starting to seriously question myself as to why I should 'cry and think' over such an emotionally immature guy. I am feeling better too. Thank you!

[BC1980]

So, well, the most unimaginable thing happened a couple of hours back. My ex mailed my sis with a copy to me (I wonder what's up with that!). Anyways, he said that he's found a new girl and that I should no longer come knocking at his door. I cannot imagine why he would take the trouble of telling me that lest he wants to provoke some sort of a response from me. So, well, I did not completely read it. I just deleted it so as not to break my NC. Because in my weak moments, I know I may be tempted to reply. Anyways, it made me relieved. I felt so much better after pouring out here yesterday and well, the contact happened. And I was surprisingly not so affected as before. That means NC must be working. I'm still sticking to my NC and thank you so much for your response and support.

 

When I was reading your first post, I immediately thought it sounded like he found someone else. Good choice to delete the email. If you read it, you'll want to respond.