Heart Broken by a Single Mom

[iminaboat]

Hello.

 

Nearly a year after our breakup, I'm still in denial and just as stubborn in accepting reality. Anyway, here's my story.

 

Lisa (not her real name) and I have worked together for about 3 years. She's one of the nicest and coolest people I've met. Her attitude in life is always positive despite the drama and setbacks of daily life. I don't know how she always finds something to laugh about. A little about her: She's in her mid 30s with two kids. Beautiful on the inside and out. Her kid's father cheated on her about 4 years ago, so she ventured out and found a boyfriend, but soon broke it off because he was draining and emotionally damaged. Being a single mom, she hustled at work and cared for her kids at home. She was even shopping for a house to buy. In short, she was the definition of an independent woman.

 

I worked with her side by side and I was with her through joy and drama. I listened to her issues with her kid's father, I was a pair of listening ears to her, so to speak.

 

A little about me: I'm in my early 30s, no kids and single. My longest relationship was 9 years and it ended because she had to move away with her family (mutual break up, nothing we could've done at the time). It sucked, we were young and broke. We separated when I was 23. Since then, I've dated here and there and came out with 2 serious relationships. Both lasted less than 1.5 years with the latest one going back to her ex-boyfriend (made me feel like crap). Then I found happiness just being single while everyone all around was getting married and having kids.

 

Then I met Lisa. We got along very well and we really hit it off. The only setback was we worked together, which made me nervous and cautious around her. I was happily living the single life, but I bit the bullet and asked her out. Obviously she said yes, so we went on a few great dates! It wasn't easy to hang out with her. She has the kids everyday and every other weekend, so it was only 2 times a month or once a month we hung out on a Saturday. We connected at work and sometimes after work, so that made up for it.. It was like we dated for 3 straight years at work lol (we were close). Cutting to the chase a bit, things started to get shaky because her kid's father was starting to come around more often (she said he sensed she was going out with someone). She started to act strange and couldn't commit to any dates. I didn't think much of it, but then one night, she sends me a text saying the kid's father cried and begged her to take him back. I was disappointed to say the least. I replied the text asking if she was going to take him back.. to which she then tried calling me. I didn't pick up since I already knew the answer. In my mind I thought, not this again - Another woman deciding to go back to her ex-boyfriend. I should've stayed freakin single! We were both distraught at work the day after. I've never seen her look so sad and unhappy, ever. It was the worst feeling seeing her that way and that itself broke my heart. Of course I was still upset and I couldn't talk to her most of that day until near the end of work when I asked if she could meet somewhere so we could talk. She agreed, so we met and sat in her car for hours, talking. Her reason was she had to do it for her kids. To make a family, that's what she wanted for her kids. I was upset and angry. I tried to reason with her saying we had something good going. Asking why she would even go back to someone who treated her that way. Her only answer was for her kids.

 

It was a dagger through my heart. It felt like the world had crumbled on top of me. This was also at a time when my side business was shutting down due to a dispute with my business partner. I questioned myself, maybe I should've been there more for her, but I was there every day for her! Maybe I should've done things differently or moved things along a bit faster. I took my time with Lisa because she said she was damaged goods and didn't know what she wanted (who does?). Maybe that in itself was something I should've been wary of and not invest and wear my heart on my sleeve. I put all my eggs in once basket. That was a mistake.

 

All this ended last November. Since then, I've watched all the self-help and relationship YouTube videos out there, none which describes single moms btw. To me, this break up felt like it was my first and I didn't know what to do. I thought maybe because she's a single mom, there is something different I need to do. I guess I wanted to find closure. Through the months, she was hot and cold, which turned me on and off emotionally and gave me hope if that makes sense (maybe it was all in my mind and it was just her being nice). I still hung on to her with hope. I even told her I was going to wait (mistake for saying that?). My friends urged me to just let her go. I don't deserve this.. I complied and just did no-contact for a month or two. However it was tough as I couldn't stop thinking about her (I switched departments, so we didn't work together anymore). Sometimes I'd see her in passing and ask how she was doing and ask how her guy is treating her. We would send I miss you texts, but it would end at that.

 

She insisted we stay friends, to which I said I don't want to be friends. I want something more. As time passed, I felt the urge to sabotage our "friendship" because the more I thought about it, the more I felt betrayed. Of course it didn't help that my friends suggested that maybe she used me as a placeholder, someone to keep the seat warm. They were hoping I'd move on. There are days where I severely miss her. Honestly, if she left me because we weren't compatible and she told me she didn't like me anymore, I would be much better off. The fact she went back to her kid's father makes me feel like all the effort I put in was for nothing. Gone in one night. And the fact that she tells me he isn't treating her the way she thought he would makes me feel even worse. If she told me he's treating her like a dream, then I'd be happy for her and really move on.

 

Last month before her birthday, she said she wanted to see if she can swing by my house. Unfortunately, I was in a sh*tty mood and told her straight up that I still care for her deeply, but if she wanted to come over, I'm going to expect more and treat her as if she's single. Mind you she's mentioned before about swinging by my house whenever she has time. That's like dangling a carrot in my face! Anyway, She never replied and began to distance herself. I skipped her birthday party because i didn't want to see her. Maybe that's what also triggered her distance from me..

 

Last week, I saw her at work and I told her I missed her. In a way, I threw a tantrum by telling her I wanted her back. She told me I can't always get what I want.. Unfortunately I shed a tear during our conversation. Right meow, a part of me wants to let her go altogether. Another part of me wants to wait and hope she comes back. A 3rd part of me wants to tell her what she's done and is doing to me. Am I being stupid and selfish? Probably. I'm wasting my time. I fight myself everyday on this topic and I can't make up my mind. I'm missing some details here I'm sure. I hate that I fell for her.

 

Thank you for reading.

Edited September 18, 2017 by iminaboat

[Goodguy05]

Hey dude I went out wth a single mum for 6 yrs different circumstances we also work together sux in my case she's now dated 2 other work colleagues none who have given her any security. She destroyed anything we had anyway long story I have a thread if ur interested in reading this is more about u. We all have been split a yr. No contact accept wen I tried to work things out about ten mths ago and she made it pretty clear it was over. She's left all her kids so I saw a side of her that opened my eyes to the real her not who she claimed to be and it's made me let go not completely but anyway onto u.

 

U have done nothing wrong. She left u and went back to her ex.

 

Rejection can make us see wth rose coloured glasses. She is not this beautiful person u thought she was or what I mean is the fantasy u have of her is stemming from the rejection. Rejection breeds obsession.

She has baggage. Nothing against single mum's but what I came to learn is u are dealing wth a lot more and taking on a lot more because there's an ex hovering around in the background there's that back and forth u are limited wen u date a single mum especially if there young. I know u don't see it now but u r so much better off. Once u heal find yourself a woman who u can build ur own family wth u will be ten steps ahead they are ures no back and forth if u wanna move somewhere u can move no need to get the acceptance of the ex there is no ex that hovers in the background.

Look I'll admit my feelings are still there wth the ex but they are fading especially after I have seen how she really is. I made mistakes in my case wth her. I'm not sure if i would do it again date a single mum. I'm in my 40s so a lot of woman in my demographic have kids. In my case if i did i would be really sussibg her out first how her life schedule is etc. I would definatly take my time and not jump in like I did wth this one. U however are in ur 30's u have a better chance than me at meeting some one who's better suited wth no kids in my opinion. Look for that I know it's hard but I truly believe in ure case wth ur age u have much better choices than this single mum out there. U just have to find someone u connect again wth and have a strong connection that'll happen wen u let go of this one to let the next one in. Don't buy into this ladies tears there fake

Edited September 18, 2017 by Goodguy05

[Chilli]

l don't mean this in a harsh way , ok , but it's just how it is and what it needs .

This is someone's family your talking about, a family with children lives here , with their family and childhoods at stake.

 

You gotta man up for lack of a softer term , sorry about that but really , you've gotta get away from her and stay away from her and give her the chance to try and repair her family and for those kids to have their family back and their dad too just as importantly.

 

You've gotta move on and stay out of her life and give that family a chance ,move on.

l know it's hard because these things don't grow on trees . But remember the term single mum is usually a load of bs , they aren't usually single at all in the mum thing , there's two parents , not one , and if all is well then the dad should be in their lives just as much and as much as possible. this is on going , until they leave home.

Or if it all went to hell earlier , often in time it can be repaired .

 

It's confusing her and putting pressure on her when she has the chance to put her family back together for those kids.