I'm at a Dilemma with Closure

[Skunk]

Guys, I need help. My gf left me Sept 1st. It was a 3.5 year relationship. I was never in so much love in my life, and now I have never felt so much pain in my life.

I knew it was coming throughout our last week together, and I spent that last week freaking out. We ended it over text/email because I was too scared and too angry at her to meet her in person.

 

She told me over text that we never had a chance to develop, and that she thought about leaving me for over a year. I was suffering from depression for the past year and a half, and there was lack of communication on my end due to my depression, but I did my best to still love her. I tried putting everything I had into her, into her family, into a future together. I spent the past year helping her with her career so that she could get a promotion. Well, she got it, and after a couple of months of barely getting to be together due to work/vacation... she left me.

 

I tried going no contact since then, but yesterday morning I broke down and emailed her telling her about the depression that I was trying to hide from her and everybody else, and I told her that I started seeing a counselor to help me. I've been wanting to tell everybody about it. Of course, she never replied to my email, despite reading it. I texted her later last night if she could drop my stuff off ($400 in value). She asked if I would like to meet with her in person on Saturday to get my stuff and to end things with closure.

 

I told her I would like that, because we ended things messy. But now I'm freaking out again. It took all of my willpower to say that I would meet with her, but I'm feeling like I do not have the strength to go through with it. She has too much power over my heart.

 

I cannot ever see it being possible to be "friends" with her. I've given her every inch of my heart. She was my best friend. I felt she was my soul mate. I had it all planned out to propose to her for marriage. I wanted to grow old with her and to die with her.

 

But now it feels like I am dead to her already, that I've been dead to her for a while, and that she is is not phased a bit by it.

 

Meeting her, seeing her face, hearing her voice, looking into her eyes, hugging her for the last time, witnessing her total lack of affection for me... these things I feel will just cause me further torment, as if I were to watch her being killed before my eyes.

 

On the one hand, I want to end things right with her and I want understanding about both of us. I feel if I don't meet with her I will regret it. We've been through so much together. But on the other hand, I feel that anything she says to me won't give me closure. I feel that it will only make me ask more questions and think about more "what-ifs".

 

I love her so much and would take her back in a second. But if she cannot be all in with me with her heart, I now feel that I have to try to erase her from my life entirely.

 

I'm scared. Courage is a virtue of mine. I'm a former Marine, and yet I've never felt so scared in my life as I am with meeting her on Saturday. I'm a broken man, and if I meet with her she is going to see how broken I am.

 

What should I do?

[Zahara]

No one can give you closure. Closure comes from you accepting that the relationship is over, accepting her reasons for why she is choosing to move on and coming to terms that your only choice is to move on as well.

 

Any more talking is just more wounding to an already painful situation. Endings are riddled with bad emotions. There is no such thing as ending things right and coming to an understanding. Dumpees usually want to meet because they can't let go. She's already told you why she wants to end -- there's nothing more or less that she can say or do that will change things.

 

I would be honest with her and let her know that you've thought about it and the best thing to do to help you self-preserve is to go no contact and that meeting up will only hurt you even more. Ask her if she can mail you back your items or if you could have friend pick it up. Wish her well and start your healing.

[Redhead14]

Guys, I need help. My gf left me Sept 1st. It was a 3.5 year relationship. I was never in so much love in my life, and now I have never felt so much pain in my life.

I knew it was coming throughout our last week together, and I spent that last week freaking out. We ended it over text/email because I was too scared and too angry at her to meet her in person.

 

She told me over text that we never had a chance to develop, and that she thought about leaving me for over a year. I was suffering from depression for the past year and a half, and there was lack of communication on my end due to my depression, but I did my best to still love her. I tried putting everything I had into her, into her family, into a future together. I spent the past year helping her with her career so that she could get a promotion. Well, she got it, and after a couple of months of barely getting to be together due to work/vacation... she left me.

 

I tried going no contact since then, but yesterday morning I broke down and emailed her telling her about the depression that I was trying to hide from her and everybody else, and I told her that I started seeing a counselor to help me. I've been wanting to tell everybody about it. Of course, she never replied to my email, despite reading it. I texted her later last night if she could drop my stuff off ($400 in value). She asked if I would like to meet with her in person on Saturday to get my stuff and to end things with closure.

 

I told her I would like that, because we ended things messy. But now I'm freaking out again. It took all of my willpower to say that I would meet with her, but I'm feeling like I do not have the strength to go through with it. She has too much power over my heart.

 

I cannot ever see it being possible to be "friends" with her. I've given her every inch of my heart. She was my best friend. I felt she was my soul mate. I had it all planned out to propose to her for marriage. I wanted to grow old with her and to die with her.

 

But now it feels like I am dead to her already, that I've been dead to her for a while, and that she is is not phased a bit by it.

 

Meeting her, seeing her face, hearing her voice, looking into her eyes, hugging her for the last time, witnessing her total lack of affection for me... these things I feel will just cause me further torment, as if I were to watch her being killed before my eyes.

 

On the one hand, I want to end things right with her and I want understanding about both of us. I feel if I don't meet with her I will regret it. We've been through so much together. But on the other hand, I feel that anything she says to me won't give me closure. I feel that it will only make me ask more questions and think about more "what-ifs".

 

I love her so much and would take her back in a second. But if she cannot be all in with me with her heart, I now feel that I have to try to erase her from my life entirely.

 

I'm scared. Courage is a virtue of mine. I'm a former Marine, and yet I've never felt so scared in my life as I am with meeting her on Saturday. I'm a broken man, and if I meet with her she is going to see how broken I am.

 

What should I do?

 

Semper Fi, my friend . . . Keep faith in yourself that you can face this like a man. You made the decision to meet with her. Collect your things, wish her well and leave. And, you are right, anything she says will not give you closure. That's comes in time and with acceptance.

 

I've never felt so scared in my life -- "Fear does not control me. I face it so as to control it".

[spiderowl]

Do you really NEED to meet her? Why? What closure would it give you? The conversation is only likely to be hurtful with her reiterating her perspective on why it won't work. I would arrange for a friend to collect your things or for her to have them delivered to you and never communicate with her again.