I broke NC, received silence from ex boyfriend

[eyesofblue]

Hey everyone. So I dated a man for about 10 months, and we were in love. I'm in my 30's, but a really late bloomer and this man was my first real love and my first lover. As we went along, I discovered some things about him and about us that made me think we would have an unhappy marriage. I minimized some and ignored others until it was obvious. (Different cultural backgrounds with wildly different ideas as to how involved parents should be in their adult children's decisions, different preferences about how to spend free time, differing financial priorities (his: casinos and horse racing)). Also, I felt like he never really heard me if I communicated an idea or opinion that was differed from his own.

 

Anyway. Not small things, and he didn't think that anything needed to change. We were arguing more and more, the same old story. It was a heart-wrenching decision, but I broke up with him and subsequently broke both of our hearts. I initiated no contact after a few days, and he texted me a week later, which I ignored. I just broke NC two days ago, after 2.5 months. I said hi, which he saw it did not reply to. I stupidly just sent another, more in depth message saying that I very much hoped he was well, and he could feel free to keep in touch, or if not I completely understood. Again, he saw it but didn't reply.

 

He had a crush on me for months and months (I had no idea) before we got together, and for most of our relationship he had stronger feelings than I did. I still care for him a great deal, and part of me will always love him. But I think I would lose myself and become really unhappy if we married, which is where we were heading.

 

I know my next move is nothing, NC on my end until he reaches out, which may never happen. I'm just so lonely, and it tears me up to know I crushed his heart to the point where he isn't even saying hello.

 

Any advice? I'm so sad and uncomfortable here.

[preraph]

Well you don't want to disrupt his life just because you have Guilt Over The Break-Up. You know you don't want him long-term so the Humane thing to do is leave him alone.

[georgiagirlie]

I discovered some things about him and about us that made me think we would have an unhappy marriage. I minimized some and ignored others until it was obvious.

 

As hard as it is right now, I would try to move on from this relationship as it doesn't sound like you were overly compatible. Much easier said that done, but I think you should try and find someone new. Especially if you were a late bloomer. You should experiment and see who else is out there.

[7675]

You did the best thing for both your sakes. I know how painful such a scenario can be, especially for him, but I salute him for ignoring your attempts to reach out. Perhaps there'll be a time where the two of you can talk again, but for now it is what it is. Maybe he's still licking his wounds or maybe he's moved on. Regardless, he doesn't owe you contact right now and you should also do your best to move forward

[eyesofblue]

Thank you for taking the time to reply. It's been a really painful couple of months. I just miss him so much, despite our troubles. But you guys are right, he owes me nothing. No one in my life has said that, just to maintain no contact.

 

I appreciate it.

[PegNosePete]

he could feel free to keep in touch, or if not I completely understood.

But you don't completely understand...?

 

He is in pain and doesn't want to chat with you about the weather or how your day is going. He is trying to move on with his life, without you in it.

 

You need to let him, for his own good. And yours.

[Cookiesandough]

I did this to my ex like a month to the same end. He's over it. Time to start building your bridge. I'm sorry

[act00]

This being your first in so many ways, it is even more painful. It always hurts to break up, and then tremendous guilt when you're the "breaker" on top of it. You will always have your fond memories...the ones that suck you straight back into the nightmare you extracted yourself from. You hope they changed or you simply downplay or forget the bad parts. Let sleeping dogs lie. Everyone has been through this. It hurts, sometimes more than others. You extended yourself. You want forgiveness somehow? Do you want to remain friends? Why?? He's not good for you! No more contact. There is no solution to alleviate your guilt or pain other than this is a normal part of relationships and it's time to move on and enjoy dating.

[elaine567]

This is called breadcrumbs.

YOU as the dumper reach out, but you know you do not want to rekindle anything, you just want to make yourself feel better and find out if he is seeing someone else and to boost your ego if he is still pining for you.

It can assuage your guilt.

"See I cannot be that bad a person if he is still talking to me and we are friends..."

 

The dumpee may or may not respond to the breadcrumb, but if they do, it is usually with hope in their hearts, only for the dumper to say "Oh sorry, I just wanted to know how you were and see if we could be friends..."

For the dumpee they often go back to stage one again, it hurts that bad.

 

YOU do not want to get back together with him, so leave him alone.

[umirano]

You could be my ex. I've never reached out, thankfully I learned my lesson when I came to LS originally. NC is a silver bullet for any break up, initiated by one self or the other side. I just think everyone is better off with NC at least until all romantic feelings have died down completely on both sides.

 

Some times it feels weird. She was here one moment and we'd be doing anything and everything together and the next moment she's gone, everything that she's ever brought into my life is gone and will stay gone forever. The contact and intimacy just cut off, to never return, with a person that still exists somewhere. Really weird. But I know (also from experience) that going back even the slightest is going to end in more confusion, misunderstandings and eventually disgust, anger and maybe hate.

 

There's another ex with whom I am in contact again, the one that brought me here originally. Contact was reestablished about two years after BU. It's now a somewhat non-committal, very lose relation. We exchange a few messages every few months on family, work, etc. So you might be able to reestablish some contact somewhere down the road. Don't count on it, don't force it. My life wouldn't be any worse without it. It's hard to imagine, but you really do not need that particular person as badly in your life as you think you do.

[eyesofblue]

Thank you everyone. Your answers have helped me understand that we are done, really done. i hate that I hurt him so badly and that I cannot do one thing to fix it, and any contact from me at all makes it worse. I appreciated the bluntness, even though it choked me up, because it made me think about his pain instead of mine. And I very much appreciated the kindnesses, and those who understood that even though my actions caused his enormous pain, I'm not skipping off into the sunset. I'm in a lot of pain too.

 

Your words helped me and I am so grateful. </3

[Goodguy05]

U r not being fair to him reaching out all that does is resets his healing u r in two minds. My ex wife did this to me and it reset my healing for yrs I wish I'd been as strong as ur ex and resisted. Leave him be deal wth ur guilt ur own way but not thru him that is not fair on him