Heartbreak

[Useless46]

Hi everyone I'm a newby to this site, I met a man in December and we started sleeping together pretty much straight away, (don't judge) anyway as time went on I told him I had feelings for him but he said he wasn't interested in a relationship. I know walk away right, no I kept with it for 8 months we never went out once we just had sex and spent hours texting, a few weeks ago he let me down very badly so I told him I'd had enough. I found out yesterday he was at a hotel with someone posting pictures on Facebook etc I'm devastated. 8 months and not even a drink and he has someone new within weeks and is treating her like a princess. It's killing me and I don't understand what is wrong with me that he couldn't love me. I don't know how much more I can go through. Please someone help me to move on xxxx

[stockyoldfrump]

I think this needs to be a moment of reflection on who you are, what you want and what you're worth.

 

The harsh truth of this situation is that this man never thought of you as someone he could date. He never loved you and never saw you as anything more than a sexual partner.

 

That much is obvious from the way he treated you.

 

But that should not be taken to mean that you CAN'T be loved or that you don't deserve it. It means that you need to be more clear about what you expect and want rather than entering into relationships that are woefully unsatisfying, continuing them despite not getting what you want, and hoping they'll magically transform into something that'll meet your expectations.

 

Whether we like it or not, every relationship we will ever have - be it with friends, business associates, or romantic partners - is rooted into some sort of open or subtle negotiation process. Both sides want things and both sides will attempt to gain leverage in order to have the relationship reflect their needs as fully as possible. The healthy relationships are ones in which some compromise is reached, in which both sides are getting enough of what they want to be happy but giving enough to extend genuine consideration to the other side. The unhealthy ones, like the one you described, are relationships in which one party is dictating conditions and terms to an unfair or unsatisfactory degree.

 

It's a truism and it's trite, but one of the most valuable things to remind yourself of is this: We teach people how to treat us. If we do not advocate for ourselves or establish a standard for how others must treat us, they WILL take what they want and not give back. Because, ultimately, you're telling them it's okay to do so by not standing up for yourself.

 

You began your post by asking us not to judge you for sleeping with this man early on, but there's nothing inherently wrong with that...assuming you understand that the precedent you're setting is for a relationship in which the physical outweighs everything else. If, however, you want a genuine emotional and intellectual connection, you can not allow physicality to become the only aspect of your relationship that receives attention. You must be clear about your expectations early and force the other party to prove they can be emotionally and intellectually attentive BEFORE you take too many steps in the direction of physicality.

 

The most empowering thing to accept in situations like this one is ultimately the hardest thing to hear. That being, you allowed this to happen to yourself.

 

You allowed yourself to become "only" a sexual partner rather than a true romantic partner by not advocating for your own needs when they were not being met.

 

Short anecdotal story: In my last relationship I was dating a woman I loved dearly. Like, head over heels in love to the point of irrationality. Couldn't think straight type of love. We had known each other as close friends for years and I was so excited when we started dating. Very quickly, though, I saw that she was different within the relationship. She actually REFUSED to talk on the phone. I would call her to talk about important things or hoping to vent about my day at work and she would ignore my call and text me back making some excuse. She canceled dates constantly. I'm talking twice or three times a week. Every time a new excuse, but at some point you understand that they're not ALL legitimate.

 

From the second week of the relationship I recognized that I would never feel fully fulfilled being in a relationship in which I couldn't talk to my partner on the phone and couldn't count on seeing them, even when we had plans. But, did I tell her this, let her know that I needed some compromise or else the relationship wasn't workable, and advocate for myself? Of course not. I was in love and so I just went along with it, happy to be with her because I loved her, but always feeling a deep dissatisfaction with how I was actually interacting with the object of my love.

 

Not surprisingly, eventually we had massive communication issues. When we did have disagreements, she'd avoid me entirely. Nothing could be solved. I hadn't forced her to respect my needs, so she pushed it farther and things got worse.

 

By the time she broke up with me, I had felt totally dissatisfied with the level of communication in the relationship for the entirety of our time together but had never truly advocated for myself. We had issues lingering because of that communication vacuum. When she broke up with me, in a final cruel twist, she told me that she felt I didn't stand up for myself enough or give her a clear enough idea of what I wanted.

 

I was devastated. Still am. But, you know what, at the end of the day, it was MY fault. I let her walk all over me. I knew from almost day one that what I was getting in the relationship would never be satisfactory to me and foresaw the problems it would create, but I allowed my love to overshadow my self-respect. And, predictably, that decision resulted in my losing both things.

 

The same can be said in your situation. The moment you realized that your relationship had become all physical and that you weren't happy with that, you needed to stop, have a conversation about it, and be willing to walk away if you weren't extended the respect of compromise.

 

I don't blame you for not doing so. We've all done this. I did it very recently. But please don't walk away from this without learning a lesson....or, more specifically, without learning the RIGHT lesson.

 

The right lesson is not that you are incapable of being loved. You are deserving of it. In much the same way that I was deserving of having a girlfriend who talked to me on the phone. More pointedly, you were probably capable of actually getting THIS guy to treat you more reasonably if you had forced him to take note of your needs rather than giving in all the time. Just as my girlfriend might've respected me more or stayed with me if I had stood up for myself.

 

The lesson to learn is that you need to advocate for what you want in a relationship. Actively and immediately upon observing its absence. Otherwise you are teaching your partner that it's okay to dismiss your needs.

 

Remember also that, as human beings, we love PEOPLE not accessories. Think of any man you've ever loved. When you think of what you loved about them, you will immediately think of active, not passive qualities. You loved their interests, or their behaviors. You loved how they did things or how they made you laugh or think or feel. I guarantee that you never fell in love with someone who folded constantly or never voiced an opinion or did everything you wanted immediately whenever you asked.

 

It's easy to become accommodating to the point of self negation when we love someone so much that they become our entire world. The hard thing to do is to maintain our own identity and advocate on behalf of our own needs in spite of that love. Because the minute we begin sacrificing who we are or what we want for the person we love, we encourage that person to view as as progressively less of a person and more of an accessory.

 

And, remember, people love people, not accessories. That's the lesson.

 

It sucks you learned it in a hard way, but if you remember it forever and put it into practice moving forward, you will at least make something positive of a really horrible situation.

Edited September 17, 2017 by stockyoldfrump

[ExpatInItaly]

You need to not ask yourself why you're not worthy of him - but why you compromised your own needs and desires by hanging around someone who'd been clear he didn't want the same thing.

 

Sleeping with someone early or often is fine, as long as you're not doing so as a means of trying to get them to like you enough to commit. It sounds like that may have been what you were hoping for?

 

I am sorry you're feeling so down. Next time, please do believe someone when they say they don't want a relationship. Don't string yourself along for months thereafter.

[Useless46]

Thankyou so much stockyoldfrump for your words of wisdom, I know you are right with everything you say. I know the reason I allowed this to happen to me is because every relationship I have ever had has ended. I'm 46 yrs old my husband turned out to be gay, which I have no problem with except I wish I'd known before I married him, my ex partner was a narcissist and mentally abused me and this last one used me for sex, the thing is I'm so desperate to be loved and cared for I grab and hold on for dear life to anyone that shows me attention. I have very low self esteem and honestly hate myself the majority of the time, but after all I've been through I think that's understandable. I am just like my user name useless. It's so hurtful when you just keep getting used, and treated badly. I have so much love to give but have decided that after the last 4 yrs I'm giving up. I would rather be lonely for the rest of my life than go through this again. People make me sick when they say you'll meet someone one day. I know I won't and that's the first thing I need to accept, I'm sorry you got hurt as well it really is an awful feeling and one that never seems to end. I hope you find true love one day, you deserve it.

[Useless46]

To expatinitaly thankyou for commenting on my post. I've explained most things in my reply to another comment. I'm giving up now it's not worth the pain and heartache.

[ExpatInItaly]

You have certainly been through a lot, OP.

 

Have you had any counseling? I don't say that to be unkind, by the way. After the upset and shock that naturally came with the way your marriage ended, I imagine any of us would benefit from professional guidance. You were dealt quite a surprise, and being okay with your ex's sexuality doesn't mean it hurt any less to discover his true desires and the implications on your life.

 

Don't make this time about meeting someone new. Make it about healing yourself and learning to see your own value again.

[Boymomma]

There is nothing wrong with you. To be honest you sound like me and this guy sounds like every guy I have ever dated or slept with. He saw you as "available" and maybe this new girlfriend of his is being avoidant and playing hard to get. I was kind of in a similar situation in which the guy I had starting seeing told me he didnt want a relationship, but had been previously dating a girl (and was really into her) but she would act like she wanted him one week, the. The next she would ignore him. That told me he only likes girls who are "unavailable" and likes the thrill of the chase. I was there and available to him so he had no interest in me. There are so many avoidant men out there and combined with someone who is anxious (like me) it just doesnt work.

[spiderowl]

The way to get a guy to respect you and treat you well is to dump him if he does not treat you well. If he is disrespectful, ill-mannered, thoughtless or just messes you about, then dump him - fast. Believe me, he will notice that you do not suffer fools and will either give up and move on or revise and improve his behaviour. Hanging around and waiting for him to offer you the respect and consideration you deserve just gives him more time to mistreat you. Once you start treating yourself with respect and dumping guys who are clearly not valuing you, the sooner guys will start to see you in a new light and you will find the kind of relationship you really want.