Jump to content

Ex Wants to be friends after no contact


Recommended Posts

Here is the backstory to my problems if you have the patience to read it:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/632252-flew-half-way-around-world-failed-bit-lengthy#post7389534

 

After about a month and a half of no contact with my ex who is the dumper, she reached out to me via email with this:

 

"I hope all is going well after graduation and after this Summer. Adult life surely seems to have its downsides. I am writing to you with the motivation that we can be friends and hopefully share with other each other life updates. I know this Summer was difficult for me, and I'm sorry.

 

I am interested in knowing how you are doing, how work is , and just overall how life is going for you. Let me know if you're ok with remaining in touch or if this is out of line. I hope to hear back from you, as you were truly my best friend in college. "

 

And I was moving on well, and now I feel obsessed again. I am upset because 1) in our last conversation she wished me to be miserable.

2) If she wants to be friends it means she has moved on 100% and is comfortable.

3) She didn't want me in her life as a lover, but now as a friend. Does that mean I wasn't good enough?

4) She basically blamed the whole failure of the relationship on me, and now wants to be friends? Seems like to me she just wants another man in her life.

 

I haven't responded yet and don't know what to say. Being friends means talking about things going on in her life, and I don't know if I want to know. Do I want to know when she finds another person and how much fun shes having in the single life? But its an opportunity to show how great I am by readding her to all social media, she has sent me friend requests. I also want to say no and insult her and throw her friendship in her face in the hopes she would feel the pain I did.

 

Do I take her message at face value, or does it mean something else like reconciliation? And do I respond even at all? It's like shes bi polar, leaves my life, says hurtful things, then keeps wanting to re enter.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Here is the backstory to my problems if you have the patience to read it:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/632252-flew-half-way-around-world-failed-bit-lengthy#post7389534

 

After about a month and a half of no contact with my ex who is the dumper, she reached out to me via email with this:

 

"I hope all is going well after graduation and after this Summer. Adult life surely seems to have its downsides. I am writing to you with the motivation that we can be friends and hopefully share with other each other life updates. I know this Summer was difficult for me, and I'm sorry.

 

I am interested in knowing how you are doing, how work is , and just overall how life is going for you. Let me know if you're ok with remaining in touch or if this is out of line. I hope to hear back from you, as you were truly my best friend in college. "

 

And I was moving on well, and now I feel obsessed again. I am upset because 1) in our last conversation she wished me to be miserable.

2) If she wants to be friends it means she has moved on 100% and is comfortable.

3) She didn't want me in her life as a lover, but now as a friend. Does that mean I wasn't good enough?

4) She basically blamed the whole failure of the relationship on me, and now wants to be friends? Seems like to me she just wants another man in her life.

 

I haven't responded yet and don't know what to say. Being friends means talking about things going on in her life, and I don't know if I want to know. Do I want to know when she finds another person and how much fun shes having in the single life? But its an opportunity to show how great I am by readding her to all social media, she has sent me friend requests. I also want to say no and insult her and throw her friendship in her face in the hopes she would feel the pain I did.

 

Do I take her message at face value, or does it mean something else like reconciliation? And do I respond even at all? It's like shes bi polar, leaves my life, says hurtful things, then keeps wanting to re enter.

 

 

 

Sounds to me she wants you on the back burner and you know this too. Id say dont respond to her b.s cut all contact and move on with your life.

Link to post
Share on other sites

This is about your ex relieving herself of guilt. She doesn't want to reconcile. She wants to be free from guilt.

I would block her without a response. Time to heal and find someone better for you.

  • Like 5
Link to post
Share on other sites
Do I take her message at face value

No you take her message and press "delete" and then "empty trash". And then you BLOCK her email address, or make a message rule to automatically delete any mail from her.

 

Read the No Contact guide, you don't seem to have implemented it very well.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

She's just trying to soothe her guilty conscience.

 

Unfortunately, this is not an invitation to reconcile. I would not reply to that.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

You guys are too busy trying to control this situation and not letting the other live their life freely with each other in it. This isn't about backburner, or any other BS.

Stop the power struggle. Figure out what you need, talk to her and find out what she needs.

 

it will be a hard thing to do at 22 because its about the give, not the take

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 4 weeks later...
  • Author

I've been following no contact to the tee. I didn't block because I always found myself just unblocking. It's been a month since my ex last reached out to being friends. She just reached out again a few days ago. And its absolutely funny because I just had the best week of my life and met a few girls that I genuinely enjoyed.

 

She wrote, "Hi [me] , I am just wondering how you are doing. I hope everything is going as planned. I miss you and it would be great if we could be in touch again." - Ex

 

I would've expected the breadcrumbs to come a bit soon after her first reach out within the span of a few weeks to a day, but not a complete month later.

 

I am familiar that the reasons for ex's reaching out are to soothe their guilt, keep tabs, etc. But what is confusing is why a month later? And is it 100% true that reconciliation is all full blown out, "I want you back." Or do ex's ever use breadcrumbs to gauge how comfortable you are with them?

 

I am afraid to respond because I'm doing great as of now , but the "what if" still lingers....

Link to post
Share on other sites
CeciliaCylara
I've been following no contact to the tee. I didn't block because I always found myself just unblocking. It's been a month since my ex last reached out to being friends. She just reached out again a few days ago. And its absolutely funny because I just had the best week of my life and met a few girls that I genuinely enjoyed.

 

She wrote, "Hi [me] , I am just wondering how you are doing. I hope everything is going as planned. I miss you and it would be great if we could be in touch again." - Ex

 

I would've expected the breadcrumbs to come a bit soon after her first reach out within the span of a few weeks to a day, but not a complete month later.

 

I am familiar that the reasons for ex's reaching out are to soothe their guilt, keep tabs, etc. But what is confusing is why a month later? And is it 100% true that reconciliation is all full blown out, "I want you back." Or do ex's ever use breadcrumbs to gauge how comfortable you are with them?

 

I am afraid to respond because I'm doing great as of now , but the "what if" still lingers....

 

I wouldn't respond or just give a short, indifference reply, like, "I've been good." Don't give her any details. Leave it as that and if she continues the conversation but shows no sign of directly wanting another change, don't continue. If she really wanted you back, she wouldn't settle for a quiet response either.

Link to post
Share on other sites

She is curious to see what you are doing.

Funny how they all of a sudden want to be your "friend" but I bet when you were going through the break up friendship was never mentioned.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I've been following no contact to the tee. I didn't block

Then you have not been following no contact to a tee.

 

You're Doing It Wrong.

 

The kind of "what if" that you're asking, is exactly the reason you need NC in the first place! If you hadn't got all these messages then you would be feeling a lot better right now.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Her request for life updates is unreasonable. As you are aware you really don't want to know what's going on in her life, that she's great, that she has a new SO etc.

 

 

You can simply ignore. You should block because you are not strong enough to ignore & when she writes this garbage to you she stirs up old wounds all over again.

 

 

Personally, I'd write back to drive home the point that I don't want these updates:

 

 

I got your message asking for us to be friends & update each other about our lives. I don't want that. At present I don't wish you any ill will but I don't need you to rub it in my face about how you are doing without me. I also don't care to share details about my life with an EX. You dumped me & it hurt. When you did that you forfeited any entitlement to know how I'
m
doing. Assume I'
m
great & move on with your life.

 

 

If we see each other I intend to be cordial but if you truly care about me, leave me alone. If you continue to pester me, I will re-evaluate my offer to be cordial because I can't have you continuing to re-open
old
wounds; that is just mean on your part. You're better than that. You need to get over the fact that I'
m
getting over you. Please respect my wishes & don't contact me again.

 

Otherwise silence is your best bet. You can't really be "friends" because it will be too painful for you.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

Hey OP,

 

I read your backstory and this thread. My answer is this.

 

No to friendship. When it comes to friendship after a breakup...the answer will always be no. Atleast right now. Remember that.

 

She broke your heart man. You're hurting. You're not thinking right. You analyze her messages. You are probably in shock. All of which is normal after a break up.

 

I've been in 3 relationships and was on the receiving end of the break up. All 3 exes wanted to be friends with me afterwards. I gave them my friendship and it was a mistake. Not one failure, not 2..but 3. I went through the pain 3 times. As the others said, I realized they did this for self-serving reasons; guilt, to keep you on the side just incase, or because quitting you cold turkey is too hard. Our friendships were never really friendships. Everything was on their terms. They would always maintain a frustrating distance because they were trying not to lead me on. As a result, our friendships became stagnant. Whenever I wanted to hang out or talk, they were busy but when they were free and available, they would message. And the dead give away that I couldn't be friends with them was that I wasn't okay with seeing any of them end up with someone else. The thought of it hurt. A real friendship wouldn't be like this. Eventually, they moved on.

 

 

 

What I advise is this:

 

If she doesn't want a relationship with you anymore, that's fine. She did what she had to do. Now you have to do what you have to do and needs to deal with the reality of her decision.

 

It is possible to be friends in the future AFTER you have completely healed. But to get to that point, you will need a LOT of time to heal. Block her off of everything. Phone, email, social media. You do not want to see her having a great time, or in a pic with a guy. It'll be an extremely painful process for you.

 

Tell her that right now a friendship is not possible because you are hurting and you need a lot of time to heal and get over the break up. But should she respect this, perhaps down the line, a friendship may be possible and that you will contact her.

 

If she wants you in her life, she will respect that and be there in the future.

 

In this way, you end things your way, leave the door open and keep your self-respect. By the time you do heal, the irony will be you wouldn't care to contact her again.

 

Goodluck.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

As others have said, the best thing to do is block and delete.

 

If you want her to feel the pain you did, let her eat silence.

 

Don't respond with anything. It will drive her crazy and make her feel like you did. You owe her nothing and she needs to experience what life is without you. Don't give her anything, don't respond.

 

If you do it will only delay your healing. Think about yourself first.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

BTW she doesn't really want to be friends. She is only going to talk to you when she's lonely. As soon as she gets another guy your "friendship" will be toast to & you will feel dumped all over again.

 

 

At best being "friends" after a break up means being cordial & making polite small talk when you accidently bump into each other. It doesn't mean staying in touch, catching up or having planned interactions. You are better off disconnecting from all social media.

 

 

Let me explain what post break up "friendship" looks like. I have 2 EXs in my same field. Every so often maybe every other year or so, I will bump into one or both at a work / industry event. We politely say hello, how are you, ask about family members etc. After my parents died, both gave me quick hugs of condolence when they next saw me, which for 1 was a year after the fact. (think the hug equivalent of an air kiss with several inches of space between use even as we embraced, not sexual at all). We don't call. We don't text. We don't e-mail about social stuff. Over the years we have all reach out to say we referred somebody to the others for business reasons. 1 EX & I were involved in a project together for a brief time & around the holidays I think I ended an e-mail with the words "Merry Christmas" which was not something I would have done had we not dated. That is about as far as our post break up "friendship" goes even 2 decades later.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

I think asking for friendship after a break up can be their way of checking whether you are cool with them. They don't really want to be your friend but if you agree it just tells them they you don't hate them so that they don't have to feel like a bad person.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

I think she is just trying to sooth her guilty conscience but just remember you don't owe her anything and she opted out of your life.

 

There was a guy several years ago and I was the guilty party in our break-up...but I gave him the space to move on. He told me not to talk to him but I wouldn't have done that anyway because I didn't want to make that harder for him. So her coming back in contact with you, I am suspicious about what her motive is - perhaps wants you on the back burner as someone was saying. It's nothing you have to make a big fuss/song and dance over - just ignore any friend requests from her without saying a word.

 

I could only be friends with an ex if I knew that I wouldn't have an ulterior motive somewhere or hope that we would get back together. I would only be friends if I could wholeheartedly know that I wouldn't mind seeing them with another person, and I wouldn't have secret romantic thoughts about them. So far I haven't got to that point with an ex. Have a think about what's best for you in your situation.

Link to post
Share on other sites
BTW she doesn't really want to be friends. She is only going to talk to you when she's lonely. As soon as she gets another guy your "friendship" will be toast to & you will feel dumped all over again.

 

 

At best being "friends" after a break up means being cordial & making polite small talk when you accidently bump into each other. It doesn't mean staying in touch, catching up or having planned interactions. You are better off disconnecting from all social media.

 

 

Let me explain what post break up "friendship" looks like. I have 2 EXs in my same field. Every so often maybe every other year or so, I will bump into one or both at a work / industry event. We politely say hello, how are you, ask about family members etc. After my parents died, both gave me quick hugs of condolence when they next saw me, which for 1 was a year after the fact. (think the hug equivalent of an air kiss with several inches of space between use even as we embraced, not sexual at all). We don't call. We don't text. We don't e-mail about social stuff. Over the years we have all reach out to say we referred somebody to the others for business reasons. 1 EX & I were involved in a project together for a brief time & around the holidays I think I ended an e-mail with the words "Merry Christmas" which was not something I would have done had we not dated. That is about as far as our post break up "friendship" goes even 2 decades later.

 

Exactly.

 

It won't really be a friendship. It'll be more of a stagnant aquaintance-ship that won't grow because she won't let it. She'll always keep you at bay because of the history. While she gets to soothe her guilt, have your love, ween herself off of you and keep you as a backup, you get a raw deal that'll end up leaving you broken. And when she meets someone else, that's when this phony "Lets be friends" charade will reveal itself for what it is. Why? Because the new guy will ever be cool with an ex talking to her. He'll tell her to stop and she will because she's devoting herself to him now. So in the end, you're not a male friend and you're not one of the girls. You don't fit anywhere in her life. That's a friendship with an ex in a nutshell. That's what you'll sign up for. You don't want to learn this the hard way. Every ex has their own way of going about it but the result is always the same and it'll be at the expense of your well-being.

Edited by Beachead
  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Exactly.

 

It won't really be a friendship. It'll be more of a stagnant aquaintance-ship that won't grow because she won't let it. She'll always keep you at bay because of the history. While she gets to soothe her guilt, have your love, ween herself off of you and keep you as a backup, you get a raw deal that'll end up leaving you broken. And when she meets someone else, that's when this phony "Lets be friends" charade will reveal itself for what it is. Why? Because the new guy will ever be cool with an ex talking to her. He'll tell her to stop and she will because she's devoting herself to him now. So in the end, you're not a male friend and you're not one of the girls. You don't fit anywhere in her life. That's a friendship with an ex in a nutshell. That's what you'll sign up for. You don't want to learn this the hard way. Every ex has their own way of going about it but the result is always the same and it'll be at the expense of your well-being.

 

BTW she doesn't really want to be friends. She is only going to talk to you when she's lonely. As soon as she gets another guy your "friendship" will be toast to & you will feel dumped all over again.

 

 

At best being "friends" after a break up means being cordial & making polite small talk when you accidently bump into each other. It doesn't mean staying in touch, catching up or having planned interactions. You are better off disconnecting from all social media.

 

 

Let me explain what post break up "friendship" looks like. I have 2 EXs in my same field. Every so often maybe every other year or so, I will bump into one or both at a work / industry event. We politely say hello, how are you, ask about family members etc. After my parents died, both gave me quick hugs of condolence when they next saw me, which for 1 was a year after the fact. (think the hug equivalent of an air kiss with several inches of space between use even as we embraced, not sexual at all). We don't call. We don't text. We don't e-mail about social stuff. Over the years we have all reach out to say we referred somebody to the others for business reasons. 1 EX & I were involved in a project together for a brief time & around the holidays I think I ended an e-mail with the words "Merry Christmas" which was not something I would have done had we not dated. That is about as far as our post break up "friendship" goes even 2 decades later.

 

I think she is just trying to sooth her guilty conscience but just remember you don't owe her anything and she opted out of your life.

 

There was a guy several years ago and I was the guilty party in our break-up...but I gave him the space to move on. He told me not to talk to him but I wouldn't have done that anyway because I didn't want to make that harder for him. So her coming back in contact with you, I am suspicious about what her motive is - perhaps wants you on the back burner as someone was saying. It's nothing you have to make a big fuss/song and dance over - just ignore any friend requests from her without saying a word.

 

I could only be friends with an ex if I knew that I wouldn't have an ulterior motive somewhere or hope that we would get back together. I would only be friends if I could wholeheartedly know that I wouldn't mind seeing them with another person, and I wouldn't have secret romantic thoughts about them. So far I haven't got to that point with an ex. Have a think about what's best for you in your situation.

 

 

 

I agree with all of you; likewise, if I start dating someone new, out of respect for my new relationship, my ex would be out of my life. I don't see how a friendship could work.

 

She is really persistent though; she sent me an email yesterday from a new email:

 

"Dear [me],

 

Lately I have been thinking of you a lot. I don’t know if it was Coldplay or mutemath that really made it impossible to stop thinking of you. It hurts to have lost you and your friendship. You were my best friend these past 3 years but I guess that’s over. I envy those who can keep a friendship with their past partners. I wish we could talk or a least message once in a while to see how we are doing. Anyways, this message had zero organization...I really hope you reply but of course it’s up to you. I wish you the best. "

 

I know pain will come with friendship along with replying. But why is she so persistent on being friends? And why does write to me in a romantic way, but ask for friendship? She doesn't make any sense. This is her second attempt this week. And her third in the last two months....

 

I've been moving on. I have not broken no contact. But this stuff is just mind boggling...

Link to post
Share on other sites
I agree with all of you; likewise, if I start dating someone new, out of respect for my new relationship, my ex would be out of my life. I don't see how a friendship could work.

 

She is really persistent though; she sent me an email yesterday from a new email:

 

"Dear [me],

 

Lately I have been thinking of you a lot. I don’t know if it was Coldplay or mutemath that really made it impossible to stop thinking of you. It hurts to have lost you and your friendship. You were my best friend these past 3 years but I guess that’s over. I envy those who can keep a friendship with their past partners. I wish we could talk or a least message once in a while to see how we are doing. Anyways, this message had zero organization...I really hope you reply but of course it’s up to you. I wish you the best. "

 

I know pain will come with friendship along with replying. But why is she so persistent on being friends? And why does write to me in a romantic way, but ask for friendship? She doesn't make any sense. This is her second attempt this week. And her third in the last two months....

 

I've been moving on. I have not broken no contact. But this stuff is just mind boggling...

 

Because the reality of the breakup is affecting her now. Because of the reasons everyone on here has mentioned. Guilt, loneliness, possibly wanting to keep you on the side, wanting you around until she is able to get over the remainder of her attachment to you. It has nothing to do with her wanting a relationship with you again. It has to do with her feeling the withdrawal of the addiction to your presence in her life. She was used to you being there daily and now you're not. There is a void. If you come back and soothe her pain, she'll use it to get over you.

 

She has to understand she doesn't get to choose which parts of you she wants to keep. If she ended it with you, she loses you completely.

 

And as many of us said, a friendship is not possible. Atleast not right now. Both of you need to move on and learn to live life without one another. Only then, can a friendship be possible.

 

But ultimately, it's your decision OP. I know how hard it is. Sometimes you need to just go back and talk and see for yourself.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

I took the time to read your other post to see what the breakup was like. It's a no-brainer to me: IGNORE HER FOREVER. You can do much better.

 

She's looking for an ego boost and to find some sort of supply from you, and none of it has to do with your best interests at all.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Zero response and you should have already blocked her.

 

Never be a doormat to anyone and you'll starve on breadcrumbs.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I have not broken no contact.

YES YOU HAVE.

 

Don't you understand? Reading her emails and pondering the meaning is breaking no contact!

 

You need to read the no contact guide and follow the steps. It explains not only what you should be doing, but also why.

 

At the moment you're doing it wrong.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
YES YOU HAVE.

 

Don't you understand? Reading her emails and pondering the meaning is breaking no contact!

 

You need to read the no contact guide and follow the steps. It explains not only what you should be doing, but also why.

 

At the moment you're doing it wrong.

 

PegNosePete. There is no need to get frustrated with the OP. We all come on here because we are lost and hurting. We either seek advice, comfort or both. Sometimes, this is our last resort. Take care to be aware of this.

 

As for No Contact, not everyone understands the socially engineered meaning of it. To people have not read too much on online about it, it simply means, not talking. Also there is a lot of variations to the idea online that attempt to beguile, misguide and cause confusion.

 

OP, No contact means cutting off all contact from your ex. Blocking their number, email, social media. It means not checking their pictures or reading their messages or listening to their voicemails. It's a full cut.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Most people can't follow strict NC. And when you did it kinda shocked her. She underestimated you in a way.

My take on this whole thing is she wants to keep you around for her ego and also for the possibility if she ever has to fall back she has you to lean on or possibly keep her company UNTIL someone she deems worthy enough surfaces.

She states how it hurts to have lost you even though she is the one who dumped you- does that make any sense? She simply wants her cake and eat it too.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...