Just broke it off with my commitment phobe boyfriend...seconding guessing myself!

[Boymomma]

I am 34, my boyfriend of 2 months is 45. He pursued me, said he wanted a long term relationship, I wasn't sure I was ready. He continued to pursue me and once I started to feel "ready" he literally flipped a switch (couple weeks into dating) and said that he wanted to take things slow and didn't want to put any pressure on us, etc. He then begin saying he would call me at certain times then would never call.

 

Then it started happening with plans we'd make. His reasoning was that he "fell asleep." I started to doubt his interest, think he was cheating, etc. When we would be together it was great though. Intense, romantic, perfect. My therapist suggested he may have commitment issues and to try to talk to him so I did. He admitted to being "gunshy" and that it has nothing to do with me and e he was scared of his own thoughts. He asked me to be patient while he tries to work things out. The he once again disappeared for 3 days, then called me like he didn't just do a disappearing act.

 

He mentioned the "talk" the other day and said I was making demands on him and his thoughts (not at all what I did!) That sort of spiked my anxiety and I basically said we needed to take some time to bpth heal because I have some issues to work out too. He didn't take it well, got upset, kept saying he wanted to be with me and I needed to calm down. He then used the excuse he had to go shower to get off the phone.

 

I am so upset and heartbroken. I know guys like this don't change without therapy (or at all in some cases) but its taking everything I have not to contact him. He tried texting me today but I ignored him. Ugh. I hope I did the right thing!

Edited September 14, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Spelling, punctuation, paragraphs, move to BBU

[Zahara]

Yes, you are doing the right thing. Stay away from emotionally unavailable men. It doesn't change.

 

You're going to struggle for awhile but in time you will get over this. It's good that you spent a relatively short time with him because any longer would have been much tougher for you.

[Boymomma]

Yes, you are doing the right thing. Stay away from emotionally unavailable men. It doesn't change.

 

You're going to struggle for awhile but in time you will get over this. It's good that you spent a relatively short time with him because any longer would have been much tougher for you.

 

Thanks. That is why I decided to do it early. Keep thinking guys are going to change is a practice I am trying to get myself out of. Its just so hard. I think I find a good one, then poof..some kind of emotional issue.

[uncorked]

Ugh, this is so classic. It's happened to me before. Like another poster said, he's emotionally unavailable. He likes the push/pull dance but he can't stay for the entire song. And once you call it off he'll be on you like butter on a biscuit. Say adios, though I'm sure it's hard.

[Pumpkin008]

Wait, 2 months? This guy has too much drama to even consider further. "Forgotten" dates and jerking you around is his game. You have so little time invested in this. Go on a few dates with someone else and delete his number.

[d0nnivain]

You have known this man for 60 days. It's supposed to be the honeymoon phase . . . when people want to spend time together & everyone is on their best behavior. You are already dealing with a liar who breaks promises.

 

 

Stop second guessing yourself.

[Boymomma]

You have known this man for 60 days. It's supposed to be the honeymoon phase . . . when people want to spend time together & everyone is on their best behavior. You are already dealing with a liar who breaks promises.

 

 

Stop second guessing yourself.

 

I have actually known him for around 8 months. We were aquaintenances before we got together and I know his mother (she was my old next door neighbor) and his stepdad. So I basically know his family and where he comes from and that makes me think he is not a deliverate lying or wasnt trying to play games. That maybe he is just scared. But I agree its a lot of drama for a new relationship and he is acting shady. Thats what I do know. But my emotions are kind if clouding my good judgement.

[coolheadal]

Take things slow not a good way to word a new relationship. He's not ready to commit to you and he's not ready to just settle for you. He wants more woman than you. Not hearing from him for days end not good either. Means he's way to busy with other women and you the last one he's contacting.. Excuses are not good either that means he's clowning around you with lies. Listen why even bother with this sort of man. Do the same thing back and why even bother to do that much just close the book on this one. You learn something from him never trust a guy who starts pulling this crap on you. Move on and stop wasting your life/time with his useless butt!

Edited September 14, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Redact full quote of starting post

[The Urbanyst]

He is too old to be acting that way. Is this high school? lol

 

You are too old for him. He needs to date an 18 year old.

[smackie9]

Hot/cold people have security/anxiety issues that, yes, need to be addressed by a therapist. He's 45, it too late for him to be changing his ways, but it's not too late for you to move on and meet Mr. Right. You made a good/healthy choice for yourself.

[preraph]

Two months is barely even a relationship and certainly too soon to be making future plans but that's not the problem I have with him. The problem I have with him is he says he's going to do something and doesn't. Who wants to live with that the rest of their life? Remember at the beginning of dating is when they're on their best behavior so imagine what his Worst Behavior is.

[Boymomma]

Two months is barely even a relationship and certainly too soon to be making future plans but that's not the problem I have with him. The problem I have with him is he says he's going to do something and doesn't. Who wants to live with that the rest of their life? Remember at the beginning of dating is when they're on their best behavior so imagine what his Worst Behavior is.

 

That's the issue I had also, hence why I suspect he has committment issues. I have a history of dating emotionally unavailable/non-committal/avoidant men, actually am divorced from one! So basically my issue is that I am scared too, hence why I am attracted to these types. I disagree its too late for him to change, because anyone can change if they want. But he is going to need to do it through therapy, as will I, if I ever want to change my patterns.

[spiderowl]

If a guys starts disappearing for days without any contact, cut him off. Why bother with someone who is so erratic? He is obviously not as interested as you are. He wants you to be there for him even though he is not there for you. Forget that and find someone more consistent and respectful.

 

Having said the above, talking to someone about commitment is a waste of time. If you need to have that talk, then there is already an issue. If there is an issue, then talking about it is likely to make him feel trapped and put you in the 'begging' position. You don't want to make him feel trapped or have to beg, so relegate him to occasional friend and give him less of your time and attention too. Don't invest in someone who does not invest in you.

[Redhead14]

I am 34, my boyfriend of 2 months is 45. He pursued me, said he wanted a long term relationship, I wasn't sure I was ready. He continued to pursue me and once I started to feel "ready" he literally flipped a switch (couple weeks into dating) and said that he wanted to take things slow and didn't want to put any pressure on us, etc. He then begin saying he would call me at certain times then would never call.

 

Then it started happening with plans we'd make. His reasoning was that he "fell asleep." I started to doubt his interest, think he was cheating, etc. When we would be together it was great though. Intense, romantic, perfect. My therapist suggested he may have commitment issues and to try to talk to him so I did. He admitted to being "gunshy" and that it has nothing to do with me and e he was scared of his own thoughts. He asked me to be patient while he tries to work things out. The he once again disappeared for 3 days, then called me like he didn't just do a disappearing act.

 

He mentioned the "talk" the other day and said I was making demands on him and his thoughts (not at all what I did!) That sort of spiked my anxiety and I basically said we needed to take some time to bpth heal because I have some issues to work out too. He didn't take it well, got upset, kept saying he wanted to be with me and I needed to calm down. He then used the excuse he had to go shower to get off the phone.

 

I am so upset and heartbroken. I know guys like this don't change without therapy (or at all in some cases) but its taking everything I have not to contact him. He tried texting me today but I ignored him. Ugh. I hope I did the right thing!

 

2 months, huh?

 

My therapist suggested he may have commitment issues -- I don't think a guy who doesn't want to commit after only two months can be clearly identified as a commitment-phobe. Two months is kinda quick to be jumping into that boat. Exclusivity at least, yeah, if you've been intimate. This guy's behavior is more like a guy who knows how to string women along or finds women who will do that for him -- string themselves along.

 

This guy is throwing words at you and none of them have been backed up by actions that demonstrate clear interest.

 

Had you two been intimate yet? If so, when?

[Boymomma]

2 months, huh?

 

My therapist suggested he may have commitment issues -- I don't think a guy who doesn't want to commit after only two months can be clearly identified as a commitment-phobe. Two months is kinda quick to be jumping into that boat. Exclusivity at least, yeah, if you've been intimate. This guy's behavior is more like a guy who knows how to string women along or finds women who will do that for him -- string themselves along.

 

This guy is throwing words at you and none of them have been backed up by actions that demonstrate clear interest.

 

Had you two been intimate yet? If so, when?

 

Yes, about 3 weeks in. As I said before, its not some random guy I net, so from the first date he basically made it clear he only wanted to be with me and wanted an exclusive relationship. It was his idea, not mine. He pursued me then disappeared when expectations started to appear. I can probably pinpoint it to when he started calling me his girlfriend. Then I remember the first time I called myself his girlfriend and he said we didnt need to label our relationship. Its okay when he says it, but not when I do. He started distancing himself from me after that.

 

Why I was putting up with it? Well like I said, I have issues too.

 

Its possible he is stringing me along, however his mother is my good friend and I know his whole family so chances are there is more to it. Although I dont know for sure. I mean basically having committment issues IS essentially stringing someone along. Its just the reason behind it. What I need to do is resplve my own fears so that I can avoid men like this in the future.

[Methodical]

Sounds like he gets an adrenaline rush from the thrill of the chase :/.

[Redhead14]

Yes, about 3 weeks in. As I said before, its not some random guy I net, so from the first date he basically made it clear he only wanted to be with me and wanted an exclusive relationship. It was his idea, not mine. He pursued me then disappeared when expectations started to appear. I can probably pinpoint it to when he started calling me his girlfriend. Then I remember the first time I called myself his girlfriend and he said we didnt need to label our relationship. Its okay when he says it, but not when I do. He started distancing himself from me after that.

 

Why I was putting up with it? Well like I said, I have issues too.

 

Its possible he is stringing me along, however his mother is my good friend and I know his whole family so chances are there is more to it. Although I dont know for sure. I mean basically having committment issues IS essentially stringing someone along. Its just the reason behind it. What I need to do is resplve my own fears so that I can avoid men like this in the future.

 

having committment issues IS essentially stringing someone along -- No it isn't. You cannot call this commitment-phobic because it's only been two months. I don't care how long you've known him. It's just more likely that he doesn't really want a relationship with YOU for whatever reason there is. At two months, it's more likely at least, he's just not ready to take that leap with you. And, I get that. Two months is maybe a little too soon. Him calling you his girlfriend is just using the word loosely to him. Actions tell you if you're his girlfriend, not the word. Knowing someone for a while and dating them for the possibility of a relationship is another path of exploration entirely.

 

And, he may say he doesn't want to end it, because he doesn't. He doesn't want to be the bad guy and he's probably kinda OK with having regular sex and the relationship the way it was -- no expectations and/or pressure. So, if you're unhappy, you need to do the dirty work. He'll leave it to you to string yourself along.

 

You cannot necessarily "avoid" these situations. It's a process of observation, plain and simple. If a guy isn't meeting your needs and doesn't want what you want, you move on. That's all there is to it. You don't try to pull them in or change for them or whatever. What you can do in this case, is stop pressuring and set a mental time limit for yourself, say another month, to observe whether he is upping things a little. If not, you just need to accept reality.

 

however his mother is my good friend and I know his whole family so chances are there is more to it. -- I kinda don't get what this has to do with it.

 

George Clooney had been referred to as a commitment-phobe from time to time. He wasn't a commitment-phobe, he just didn't find the right woman for him to inspire him to be committed to them. He did, and he has twins now. George was not a commitment-phobe -- he was committed to lots of things -- i.e. charities, his immediately family, etc. True commitment-phobes have trouble committing to much of anything really. And, it's kind of a individual thing. But, they have a history of poor relationships all around them including family and are often loners, although they do want and need the company of a woman and will sometimes try that, but they know they can't maintain a relationship. If your guys fits this mold, then maybe, you do have one on your hands. And, if you do, you need to move on because he's not gonna change for anyone. He can't do it for himself either.

 

I forgot that you already broke up with him. I think maybe you jumped the guy a little bit, but the decision is made and you should stick with it. Trust your gut and keep moving.

Edited September 16, 2017 by Redhead14

[Boymomma]

He does like the thrill of the chase...just not the capture. Did he ever really want to be with me? I dont know. But I know I cant change him, only myself which is why I ended it. I like the thrill of the chase too it seems, otherwise I wouldnt go out with these guys who pursue me then pull away. And it flips back and forth to be honest. Anytime I go out with someone and start pulling away or dont seem so "available" they basically start chasing me. Its not really "me" they want, its the adreneline rush. If I am being honest, its not really them I want either, I get a rush from trying to "reel them back in." Anyone who legitmately wants to be with me though, I have zero interest in.

 

But obviously that stems from some kind of fear. I just need to figure out how to change it.

[Boymomma]

having committment issues IS essentially stringing someone along -- No it isn't. You cannot call this commitment-phobic because it's only been two months. I don't care how long you've known him. It's just more likely that he doesn't really want a relationship with YOU for whatever reason there is. At two months, it's more likely at least, he's just not ready to take that leap with you. And, I get that. Two months is maybe a little too soon. Him calling you his girlfriend is just using the word loosely to him. Actions tell you if you're his girlfriend, not the word. Knowing someone for a while and dating them for the possibility of a relationship is another path of exploration entirely.

 

And, he may say he doesn't want to end it, because he doesn't. He doesn't want to be the bad guy and he's probably kinda OK with having regular sex and the relationship the way it was -- no expectations and/or pressure. So, if you're unhappy, you need to do the dirty work. He'll leave it to you to string yourself along.

 

You cannot necessarily "avoid" these situations. It's a process of observation, plain and simple. If a guy isn't meeting your needs and doesn't want what you want, you move on. That's all there is to it. You don't try to pull them in or change for them or whatever. What you can do in this case, is stop pressuring and set a mental time limit for yourself, say another month, to observe whether he is upping things a little. If not, you just need to accept reality.

 

however his mother is my good friend and I know his whole family so chances are there is more to it. -- I kinda don't get what this has to do with it.

 

George Clooney had been referred to as a commitment-phobe from time to time. He wasn't a commitment-phobe, he just didn't find the right woman for him to inspire him to be committed to them. He did, and he has twins now. George was not a commitment-phobe -- he was committed to lots of things -- i.e. charities, his immediately family, etc. True commitment-phobes have trouble committing to much of anything really. And, it's kind of a individual thing. But, they have a history of poor relationships all around them including family and are often loners, although they do want and need the company of a woman and will sometimes try that, but they know they can't maintain a relationship. If your guys fits this mold, then maybe, you do have one on your hands. And, if you do, you need to move on because he's not gonna change for anyone. He can't do it for himself either.

 

I forgot that you already broke up with him. I think maybe you jumped the guy a little bit, but the decision is made and you should stick with it. Trust your gut and keep moving.

 

This does fit him, but at the same time he is very dedicated to his job, going to the gym, going to his mom's house (although he never stays long, he has issues with her) so it could be that he just wasnt into me. Who knows? My main issue was that he kept blowing me off and disappearing, then would contact me again like he didnt just vanish for 5 days. So thats more what the problem was.

[Redhead14]

This does fit him, but at the same time he is very dedicated to his job, going to the gym, going to his mom's house (although he never stays long, he has issues with her) so it could be that he just wasnt into me. Who knows? My main issue was that he kept blowing me off and disappearing, then would contact me again like he didnt just vanish for 5 days. So thats more what the problem was.

 

My main issue was that he kept blowing me off and disappearing, then would contact me again like he didnt just vanish for 5 days. -- He was managing you down. He understood you were more hooked on him than he wanted you to be so creates a little distance to get you to tone it down. That's pretty much it in a nutshell. Either that, or he was dating another woman too. Nonetheless, he just didn't want what you wanted. Whether or not he's a commitment-phobe, we can't know for sure and it really doesn't matter because you were not happy with how he was dating you. He wasn't making you a priority. I would not have stayed with a guy I was dating if he disappeared for 5 days on me ONCE, let alone a few times.

 

And, I will say, that that is a typical behavior of some commitment-phobes. Either way, a guy who just hasn't found the woman he wants to commit to or a commitment-phobe, it's just a guy who doesn't want to commit.

[SpecialJ]

Have you talked with your therapist about attachment theory? There's something called the anxious-avoident trap, which kind of sounds like it might be the dynamic you're into. It produces a lot of drama, which can get toxic/addictive but it's ultimately unfulfilling. Just a suggestion if you're unfamiliar with it!

[Boymomma]

Have you talked with your therapist about attachment theory? There's something called the anxious-avoident trap, which kind of sounds like it might be the dynamic you're into. It produces a lot of drama, which can get toxic/addictive but it's ultimately unfulfilling. Just a suggestion if you're unfamiliar with it!

 

Yes, I have! Basically this is my whole dating history, including the man I married and divorced. I have identified that basically anyone with "secure" attachment who does try to date me I basically have no interest in because I like the drama that the avoidant guys create.

[irishlassie]

That's so hard. It's okay for you to think about you and taking care of yourself in this situation. If it is giving you anxiety and causing lots of doubts about yourself and his commitment, think about how it could affect you long-term were you to continue the relationship. What do you think will be best and most healthy for you in the long run?